Diary Of Insanity

~♦~ Jennifer’s Point Of View ~♦~

“My, my Jennifer. Look at this mess!” stated Anne as she took hold of my arm and turned it around slightly so she could examine my bandaged wrist.

“Where is Charlotte?” I asked slowly through gritted teeth. It was the day after Matt had brought his friends to meet me, Anne was back from her day off and I still had no clue where Charlie was.

“Oh Charlotte’s safe, it’s you I’m worried about, look at what you’ve done to yourself!” she smiled at me. I think it was supposed to be a sweet, caring smile but it came across as more of a condescending, ‘I-hate-you-please-die’ smile.

“Yes Anne I can see quite clearly that my wrist is fucked. Boo-hoo, I’m over it. Where is Charlotte?” I stated in a slow, matter of a fact tone which she used towards me often.

“It doesn’t concern you where the girl is, just leave it!” she huffed as she shoved my arm away from her and stood up, crossing her own arms.

“How does it not concern me!?” I shouted as I jumped up from my seat, standing directly in front of Anne. “I’m one of the only bloody people here who actually gives a damn about her, tell me where the fuck she is!” I continued to raise my voice.

“Jennifer, Charlotte is not your patient and she is not your blood. That makes her nothing to you, do you hear me? Leave the matter alone!” she screamed back.

“Fuck you, just because the only people who care about you are your doctor and your mother doesn’t mean it’s the same for everybody else.” I fumed. I know, my words were harsh but how dare she tell me that I wasn’t to care about Charlie.

“Jennifer I know why your acting like this. You haven’t taken your meds today have you? You’ll be uptight, moody. I understand how your feeling, I do.” she smiled as she began to analyse me.

“You don’t know me! Don’t know the first thing about me, and as for how I’m feeling. I’m feeling pretty pissed off is what I’m feeling right about now, do you understand that?” I laughed as I sat down on the bed again with a huff.

“So you don’t want your pills then?” she asked as she took the little tub out of her front pocket and shook it a little. I swear I saw her eyes gleam evilly as she noticed my reaction to the appearance of the meds.

“Have I ever wanted them?” I stated smugly, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning against the headboard of the bed.

“Okay, fine. I guess I’ll just go then.” she stated calmly as she turned and walked towards the door. I watched as her hand reached for the door handle and couldn’t restrain myself any longer.

“Wait!” I shouted as I jumped up off the bed. She turned around and raised an eyebrow. I stood, arms crossed, looking at the floor. “Leave them on the table.” I instructed, nodding my head towards the small bedside table.

I couldn’t bring myself to look up at her as she walked over to the table and sat the small plastic tub containing my usual five pills on the it’s surface. She had won and she knew it.

I felt as though I couldn’t live without the pills now. I was addicted.

I watched her feet move towards the door again and then disappear as the door shut behind her. As soon as I heard the click indicating it had shut and locked I instantly bolted from my spot over to the small table.

As soon as I got there I grabbed the little cup like tub and tipped the contents into my mouth, dry swallowing all five pills at once. As I brought my arm down I looked at the cup, ashamed of what I had just done.

I threw the paper cup across the room and sat on my bed, arms folded, pouting slightly.

What had I become?

I lifted my legs up onto the bed and curled up, burying my head into the pillow as the silent tears flowed down my face. Within minutes I was asleep.

”Mama look!” my four year old self giggled, pointing towards a group of brightly coloured butterflies fluttering about in the air.

“Wow Jenny look at those” smiled my adoptive mum as she picked me up, resting my weight on her hip as she pointed out all the different butterflies that were there, asking me what colours they were.

“Mama they’re pretty.” I nodded my head at my own words as I turned my gaze from the butterflies to her.

“Yes they are Jenny, and so are you!” she smiled as she began tickling my sides which only made me giggle even more.

“Okay time for lunch!” I heard my dad call from where we had set up the picnic blanket next to the river. It was the perfect moment, a loving family, a summers day picnic. It was as though it were from a story, the best story ever told.

Mum walked back over to the blanket where dad had set out loads of different food and snacks for lunch. She sat me down between dad and herself.

“Daddy did you see them?” I asked excitedly as I pointed in the direction we’d just came from.

“Butterflies” whispered my mum so that dad would know what I was talking about. He nodded his head as he swallowed the piece of sandwich he’d been eating.

“Yes Jen I saw them, but none of them were as beautiful as my two girls.” he smiled as he ruffled my hair up. Something which I hated happening except when it was him that did it.

True, I was a daddy’s girl, even if he wasn’t my real daddy.