Diary Of Insanity

~♦~ Jennifer’s Point Of View ~♦~

I had left Lakeview three and a half weeks ago. I was more than happy about the fact that I’d been out of that place for so long and I’d spent the last two weeks living with my amazing brother and his equally amazing girlfriend. I hadn’t really heard anything from Gena which was fine by me. I didn’t know the girl but if you ask me she was just being childish.

When I’d first arrived here I knew I wouldn’t get along well with everyone, who does? But at the same time I didn’t think I’d make enemies so quickly or over something so stupid. To be honest I’d rather everything was sorted out that way we could both hang out with Val, Michelle, Leana and Lacey. Stacey and Alice too but I hadn’t really seen them much.

In all honesty the past two weeks have been the best of my life. There’s been no yelling, no fighting, I haven’t even thought of Lakeview or the things that went on there once. But all of that has changed now.

Last night I took the last of my pills. There are no more. Blake had told me there was enough to do me for a month but I realise now that he hadn’t told the truth. I was only into my third week and for the past few days I’d even tried cutting down to stretch it out a bit but the amount he’d gave me would never have lasted a month.

I haven’t had anything for the past twelve hours and it is definitely getting to me. I think the fact that I know there is none left is making matters a lot worse.

Everyone is downstairs but I can’t bring myself to go down. I feel like shit and I look ten times worse than I feel. I need something, anything to make me feel better.

“Hey, Jen are you okay in there?” I heard Leana’s voice call from the other side of my bedroom door.

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I’m gonna go for a sleep and I’ll be down in a few hours.” I called back as I sat on my bed, hugging my pillow to my chest.

“Alright. Shout if you need anything.” she replied. I knew everyone was getting worried. I hadn’t been out of my room for the past twelve hours which wasn’t like me at all.

Because of my lack of freedom at Lakeview I liked to wander around the house a lot, basking in the new found lack of restrictions, in a way. This was the third time someone had been up to check on me in the past fifteen minutes.

I heard her walk back downstairs and sighed. I got up and walked over to the large mirror which was next to my wardrobe. One look at myself and I was disgusted. I was short, unnaturally thin, my hair was so black it looked dirty, my face so pale I looked dead and my eyes were sunken and bloodshot.

I was the picture of a druggie without her fix.

I felt tears burn my eyes as I realised I’d become what I’d fought not to be for the past two years. I was ashamed of what I was putting my family through even if they didn’t know I was and I knew that I’d gone too far to stop. I felt useless and defenceless.

I turned around and looked at my room, at the new life I had fabricated for myself. But no matter how much I locked it away and pretended I was happy, I could still see my reflection from the mirror as it plagued my mind, reminding me of how much I hated myself. And without a second thought I turned back to face the mirror and threw my first into it, sending glass shards everywhere. The larger pieces crashed to the floor, mixing with the blood from my hand and I felt as though all of my energy was being sucked out of me as I fell to the floor crying my eyes out. A few minutes later I heard my door fly open.

“Jen! what the fuck!?” I heard the voices but I couldn’t look up. I didn’t want to see my brothers disappointed face.

“Fuck man, she’s bleeding!” I heard Jimmy shout and within seconds someone was kneeling next to me.

“Jen look at me.” I knew it was Matt, I heard the worry in his voice and it made me cry even harder. I didn’t deserve his sympathy or his concern. “Jenny, please look at me.” I felt his hand under my chin as he lifted my face up to make me look at him.

“Jen what’s wrong?” Val asked as she walked up behind Matt just as I was pulling my face away so he couldn’t make me look at him anymore, I couldn’t take it.

“I want to be alone.” I whispered as I let my gaze fall to my cut up hand which I was cradling in my lap.

“Jen your hurt, come on. We’ll clean it up.” he stood up and attempted to lift me to my feet put I pulled away and stood up myself before moving away from him.

“I want to be alone.” I repeated, hoping that this time he could take the hint. I wouldn’t let him see me like this, I couldn’t.

“Jen..” I cut him off before he could continue.

“Damn it Matt fuck off!” I screamed as I held my injured hand in my other one as I attempted to stop it from stinging. “All of you! Get the fuck out of my room! Go!”

Everyone stared wide eyed at me, they didn’t know what was going on. They didn’t know I was having a break down because I’d ran out of meds, hell they didn’t even know I was still on my meds.

“Don’t you get it? I want you all to leave!” I screamed again and this time everyone turned to leave the room.

When everyone was gone I burst into another fit of crying. Why was this happening to me? What did I do to deserve all of this? Was I so bad in a past life that this one had been made into my own personal hell?

Again I crumpled to the floor and curled myself up in a ball as I shut my eyes tight. I couldn’t stop the crying and I couldn’t stop the pain. So much pain but not in my hand it was my whole body. I felt like I was on fire.

“Charlie.” I whispered through my sobs. “ I need Charlie.”

“No, what you really need is a fucking reality check.”