Diary Of Insanity

~♦~ Jennifer’s Point Of View ~♦~

“Charlie.” I whispered through my sobs. “I need Charlie.”

“No, what you really need is a fucking reality check.” I looked up only to come face to face with none other than Chloe.

“Chloe?” I asked as I stood up shakily from the glass littered floor. I couldn’t be sure she was really there even though I could see her. She should be in Arizona, not Huntington.

“Yeah Jen it’s me.” she said, but she wasn’t smiling like she used to, she wasn’t smiling at all. She looked disappointed, angry even. Her expression made me look at the ground. “You know I’m angry and you know why. But I’m not here to argue with you, your getting help.”

“How did you know?” I asked in a whisper, my eyes still trained on my feet.

“A guy called Zack called me, he said you’d been taking a lot of pills for headaches. You don’t get headaches Jen, do you?” I shook my head even though I knew it was a rhetorical question. “So I went to the first place I thought of, Blake.”

“You know what he gave me?” I asked again in a whisper. To be honest I hated it when she did this, I preferred her to scream at me than give me the disappointed chat.

“I know everything Jen. I know why you didn’t want to tell anyone and on some level I understand it but it’s got to stop. Your killing yourself. You fought for two years so you wouldn’t become what you are now and I know you hate it. This isn‘t you, your too smart for this.” I knew everything she was saying was right.

“What can I do about it now? I can’t go back.” I said, becoming brave and looking up a her for the first time since I’d seen her angry expression.

“Well the first thing your gonna do, is go downstairs and apologise to your brother and everyone else because if you had spoke to me like that, I’d have smacked you one.” I nodded my head, I knew I’d been out of line earlier but I just didn’t want him to see me being so weak.

“And after that your going to tell them exactly what’s going on. Addiction and all.” shook my head at this.

“No I’m not telling, I can’t!” the tears were coming back.

“Oh don’t start crying again, it doesn’t suit you. With what they’ve just seen they know something’s wrong and if you don’t tell them they’ll either find out another way or think it’s something worse.”

She then walked over to me, took hold of my arm and began guiding me out of my room and downstairs to the living room where everyone was sitting with either a blank, upset or concerned look on their face.

“Everyone Jen has something to say.” called out Chloe as she pushed me gently into the room before leaning against the door frame. I bit my lip as I tried to summon up the courage to speak. I wasn’t really good at saying sorry.

“I’m really sorry for what happened upstairs. I don’t know why I did…” Chloe caught my eye and shook her head, signalling for me not to lying about why it happened and I sighed before continuing. “Well actually I do know why I did it. I’m addicted to antidepressants, painkillers, mood stabilizers and neuroleptics.” I was biting back the tears now.

In only a few minutes they’d be telling Chloe to take me back to Lakeview.

But it didn’t happen. Instead I felt myself being pulled into a tight hug my Matt, he was holding onto me as though if he were to let go I’d disappear forever. Oh course I didn’t really understand why he didn’t want that to happen now that he knew my secret.

“Jen I should have known. That time in the hotel room, and when you went crazy cause you’d lost your bag. I’m so sorry.” I shook my head slightly, I couldn’t really move much since he was still hugging me.

“Matt you couldn’t have known. I should never have let myself get into this mess in the first place. I’m to blame.” I’d finally let the tears fall.

“No your not. That damned place, Lakeview, is. It’s all their fault, they put your meds up, they didn’t give you a chance.” after a few minutes we finally pulled away from each other and I turned to see that everyone was now standing watching us.

“I am really sorry, none of you deserved any of this. Especially you Zacky, I lied to you countless times and I made you swear not to tell Matt about the pills and I shouldn’t have.” I think I worded this sentence wrong because Matt instantly turned around, one arm securely around me and the other pointing at Zack.

“You knew about this and you didn’t tell anybody?” I bit my lip and shook my head pushing Matt’s arm down so he wasn’t pointing at Zack anymore who was looking slightly confused and a tiny bit scared.

“No Matt. He saw me taking a few pills but I lied and told him they were for headaches. He didn’t know I was lying to him and I told him not to tell you because I didn’t want you to be worried. Don’t blame him.” I explained and Matt’s anger seemed to disappear and with it Zack’s fear.

“So why didn’t you tell anyone?” asked Val as everyone sat down in a seat. I was now wedged in between Matt and Val with Chloe sitting next to Val. Zack, Brian, Michelle and Lacey were on the other couch and Johnny was sitting on the arm of that couch next to Lacey. Leana and Jimmy were sitting on the floor.

“I didn’t want you to send me back to Lakeview. I thought that if I told you I was addicted you, mum and dad wouldn’t want me anymore and I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t leave again. I didn’t want to seem like a disappointment.” I whispered. I was shocked that they hadn’t thrown me out the minute I’d told them.

“Sweetheart, we’ve already been through this. Nothing could make us send you back there. Hell, you could do anything in the world and get away with it because your Matt’s little sis.” Val smiled.

“But if you come home pregnant I’m gonna be pissed.” stated Matt and I knew he wasn’t joking.

“Oh.. About that.” everyone’s eyes went wide and I felt Matt tense up beside me. “It’s not gonna happen anytime soon.” everyone relaxed and Matt shook his head.

“That wasn’t funny.” he stated but I could see the relief in his eyes and I heard Val snickering behind me.