In the End

Gently smoothing out the front of her blouse, Ariella turned her head, her blue eyes peeking out of the car window towards the house which sat a little away from her. It had been a little while, after her conversation with Lionel and Antonella, she had taken a couple of days before she had ventured to Gerard’s home, but still she couldn’t quite will herself to climb out of the car, not quite sure that talking to him was going to have the positive effect on their relationship that she hoped for. Gently messing with the material of her blouse, she spared the house another cautious glance before she dropped her eyes, fixing them on her hands for a few moments before a light tap against the window reached her ears.

Blinking, she gently lifted her head before her eyes settled on Gerard who leant against the side of her car, an amused half-smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. Ariella’s cheeks flushed a soft shade of pink, surprised to see him, before she nudged the door open, allowing him to gently offer her his hand, helping her up to her feet. “What are you doing out here?” he posed “I mean, I know things are pretty bad between us right now, but you can come and knock on the door. I promise not to slam it too hard in your face” he added impishly.

Ariella, who’d been staring down at their hands, quirked a weak smile at his joke before she shook her head. “I know” she mumbled “I just...I didn’t know if you were here and I didn’t know if I should just drop in on you. I should have texted” she added, gently slipping her hand out of his.

Gerard let out a small laugh, a little amused by how nervous she was, before he shook his head, moving to take a couple of steps up the front path. “It’s fine, Ella” he mused “I’ve just gotten back from training” he added.

Ariella offered him an uncertain glance, something which made Gerard chuckle before he stepped back towards him, grabbing her hand in his before he escorted her up the front path, guiding her into the house. “See?” he quipped “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he added, gently skimming his thumb over the back of her hand. He could see that she was nervous, the look on her face when she had spotted him stood outside of her car had quickly confided it, and he wanted to encourage her to relax a little, even if he was aware that holding her hand was likely to be a little awkward. He couldn’t quite will himself to let it go so soon.

Ariella watched the gentle movement of his thumb over the back of her hand before she shook her head, offering him a faint smile.

“You want anything?” Gerard posed “I mean, I was about to get a start on making myself some lunch. I’m sure I can fix you something” he added.

Ariella shook her head. “I’m OK” she mumbled.

Gerard quirked an eyebrow, asking if she was sure, before he dropped his hold on her hand, padding through towards the kitchen. “So?” he posed, offering her a seat beside the counter “To what do I owe the awkward pleasure?” he added, once more offering her an impish grin.

Ariella, who’d moved to take the stool that he had offered to her, admired his smile briefly before she let out a quiet sigh, something which caused Gerard to shake his head, his weight resting against the kitchen counter. “It’s that kind of conversation, is it?” he mumbled.

Ariella hesitated for a second, not missing the expression which had passed over his face, before she diverted her eyes down towards her hands, fiddling with them nervously in her lap. “I just...” she babbled “I wanted to talk to you, but the more I think about it, the more stupid I think it is. I should just...”

“Talk to me” Gerard interjected “You should just talk to me, Ella. It’s all I want from you” he added, his voice softening slightly.

Ariella blinked, surprised by his interruption, before she nodded, her fingers running over themselves nervously. “I got scared” she murmured softly “I got scared that you and I...it was going to be something permanent and I didn’t quite know what to make of it, so I panicked. I’d built it up in my head, us being together, I had an idea of what it was going to be like and then, when it wasn’t like that, I started to worry, panic, and I threw it away, thinking that we could just go back to before. That worked out, didn’t it?” she added, smiling ironically to herself.

Gerard merely stared at her, something which caused her to shake her head before she ushered herself back up to her feet. “I shouldn’t have come” she mumbled, trying to step past him towards the door.

Gerard, however, was quicker, his hand wrapping around her wrist tightly before he tugged her back, standing her in front of him.

Ariella looked up at him, trying to get a read of what he was thinking, before she gently lowered her head, staring down at their feet as a few long seconds of silence passed between them,

“Are you trying to say that I wasn’t good enough for you?” Gerard murmured, breaking the quiet around them.

Ariella’s head whipped at the sound of his voice. “Gerard...”

“I know I wasn’t perfect” Gerard interrupted “I can’t pretend that I wasn’t late a few too many times, or that I didn’t forget a couple of dates, but you knew who I was when you told me that you wanted to be with me, Ella. You said it first, you admitted liking me first, and there must have been something about me that made you do that, something I know hasn’t changed. I was the same man, Ella, I am still that same man now. So tell me, what about me didn’t live up to expectations?” he added, the tone of his voice difficult to place.

Ariella shook her head. “I didn’t mean it like that” she insisted.

“It’s what you said” Gerard countered “You said that you had an idea of what being us was going like , and that the reality didn’t match up. So what did I do wrong, Ella? I love you, I’ve showed you that time and time again, but if that wasn’t good enough for you...if it still isn’t good enough for you...”

“That’s not what I am trying to say” Ariella interrupted, her voice a little louder than she had been expecting.

Gerard blinked, surprised by the strength of her voice, before he shook his head. “Then what are you trying to say, Ella?” he posed “Because, from where I am standing, you’re trying to tell me that the reason you broke us up was because you thought I wasn’t quite good enough for you” he added, pulling back from her slightly.

Ariella hesitated for a second, trying to gather her thoughts, before she lifted her head, her blue eyes mirroring his. “I panicked” she insisted “Me. I got into my head and I blew something so tiny...something so insignificant and petty...I blew it entirely out of proportion and tore through something which...something I loved because I couldn’t quite accept that us being a couple...it was always going to be like us being friends, and that was a good thing. I thought it had to feel different, that we, as a couple, were supposed to be just like my past relationships, but I couldn’t quite see that what we had...that we were something so much better than that, and now that I can see it...it’s all too late. You were always you, the same funny, clever, thoughtful man I fell in love with, and I ruined what we had because I didn’t understand that you being you around me...that was the best thing I’d ever had. It’s not that you weren’t good enough for me, Gerard, and it’s not that what we had wasn’t either, it was that I was too stupid to realize that whatever it was we have...had...that was how it was supposed to feel” she added, her voice coming out a little firmer than she had been expecting.

Gerard stared at her, his blue eyes boring into hers, before he took a step towards her, something which caused Ariella to tilt her head upwards slightly, looking up at his taller frame. “I know this is all far too late” she muttered, shying her eyes away from his stare “I should have said this over six months ago, I should have just talked to you instead of chickening out and hurting you like a coward. I just...You seemed to be so much more at ease than I was, you seemed so confident and I...I don’t know what I was thinking. I probably wasn’t” she added, laughing awkwardly at her own words.

“You remember our first kiss?” Gerard asked simply.

Ariella lifted an eyebrow. “Our first kiss?” she posed “It was here. I was blabbering on, trying to get the words ‘I like you’ out of my mouth and you just....” her voice trailed off as Gerard swooped into her, pressing a kiss against her lips. Ariella stilled in surprise but warmed to it quickly, kissing him back for a few long seconds before he pulled away from her, gently pushing a few wayward hairs behind her ear.

“I was confident because of that” Gerard mumbled “I was confident about us because I knew what you were trying to say in that moment and I knew that because I knew you. I know that you cry at the end of films, especially rom coms because you’re such a sucker for a happy ending. I know that you have a favourite pair of socks that you still wear every match day, even despite the fact that they are more hole than sock now. I know you, Ella, and I know that what we had...it was so good because you were my friend, and if you couldn’t see that, then you should have said something, because I’d have been more than happy to point it out to you. If you’re looking for what you had with your exes, then by all means, stick with Adrian. He seems perfectly nice” he insisted, placing extra emphasis on the word ‘nice’.

Ariella stared up at him, her blue eyes wide.

“All you had to do was talk to me, Ella” Gerard insisted with a shake of his head “All you had to do was say ‘Gerard, I need to talk to you’, and you know that I’d have helped you out. It was my job, as both your friend and your boyfriend, but instead you jumped to the worst place and told me that things between us were over, and then, before I even knew it, you had Adrian and you were so at ease with him” he added, a bitter smile passing over his lips.

Ariella shook her head, mumbling something incoherent beneath her breath, something which caused Gerard to sigh as he took a pace back from her, pushing his hand back through his hair. “I hate him, you know” he mumbled “Adrian. I mean, he’s so nice, and so safe for you, but I hate him. I hate that you’re with him and that you’re not with me and that’s stupid. I mean, you...you hurt me, Ella, you hurt me really badly, but still...still I am so crazy about you. I hate seeing you kiss him, I hate watching him hold your hand. I hate him, Ella” he insisted firmly.

Ariella nodded. “I know you do” she murmured, not meeting his eyes.

“And yet you’re still with him” Gerard countered, an ironic smile on his lips “Because he’s the safe option and I’m not” he added, shaking his head ruefully.

Ariella didn’t meet his eyes, something which caused Gerard to scoff before he shook his head. “I thought you were braver than this, Ella” he murmured “I mean, I still remember the night we did karaoke together just after we started to date. You didn’t blink. You walked up onto the stage, horrible singing voice and all, and owned it. I didn’t have that girl down as a coward” he sneered.

Ariella didn’t move.

“I didn’t think that you’d be like this” Gerard continued “I didn’t think you’d run away from me, from us, just because you got a little frightened. I thought you’d at least be brave enough to talk to me” he added, his voice softening slightly.

Ariella closed her eyes, allowing a couple of tears to gently slide down her cheeks, before she shook her head. “You deserve so much better than this” she murmured.

Gerard shook his head before he stepped towards her, his thumb gently swiping along her cheekbone. “I want the last six months to have not happened” he murmured “I wish we could go back to before this all happened, before the breakup, before Adrian...I want that us” he added softly.

Ariella quirked a watery smile. “Lazy Monday mornings” she mused.

Gerard arched an eyebrow. “What?” he posed.

“I miss lazy Mondays” Ariella replied “You’d usually have it off because of your matches, and I’d not start work until the afternoon. I’d cook and you’d...”

“I’d distract you from cooking” Gerard finished for her, a lopsided grin on his face.

Ariella nodded, mirroring his smile, before a silence fell between the two of them, something which caused Gerard to lightly brush his thumb along the line of her cheekbone. “I miss you” he breathed softly “God, I miss you” he added, gently resting his forehead against hers.

Ariella closed her eyes, relishing the feel of his forehead against hers and his thumb on her cheek, before she quirked a faint smile. “I...I...”

“Don’t say it” Gerard interrupted gently “I’ve already kissed you once, and if you say that to me, I’ll do it again and again and I’ll make you into something I don’t want you to be. Adrian’s your boyfriend, Ella, and he doesn’t deserve this” he breathed, his lips just about miss the corner of hers. He knew what would happen, as soon as the words fell out of her mouth, he would kiss her and he wouldn’t allow it stop there, and he didn’t want to let it happen, no matter how tempted he was. As much as he disliked Adrian, he didn’t want to see him hurt by Ariella’s cheating on him.

Ariella stared up at him for a moment, something which caused Gerard to offer her a sad smile before he shuffled out of her way. “You should go” he muttered.

Ariella blinked a couple of times before she nodded. “Gerard...”

“You’ve got Adrian” Gerard cut in, knowing what she was going to say.

Ariella nodded stiffly. “If I didn’t...”

“But you do” Gerard again cut in.

Ariella nodded before she padded out of the room, something which caused Gerard to sigh, trying to swallow the temptation which he had to follow after her. It didn’t make sense, after what she had done to him, he knew that he should have felt differently towards her, but he couldn’t help it. He loved, he had for a long time, and he didn’t know that that was something which was going to go away.