In the End

06: I Thought I Did

Pushing a hand back through his hair, Gerard glanced cautiously towards the front door which stood ahead of him, trying to work up the nerve to press the doorbell which sat beside it. He knew that Ariella was expecting him, the few brief texts that they’d exchanged the previous evening and that morning confirmed to him that she knew that he was coming, but still he couldn’t quite work up the nerve to ring the doorbell, even if he had been the one to arrange their meeting. A small part of him merely wanted to head back to his car and avoid a conversation that it was clear the two of them needed to have.

Ruffling his hair slightly, he spared the doorbell another uncertain look before he leant forwards, pressing his finger against it for a few seconds before the door swept open, revealing Ariella who greeted him with a familiar shy smile. “I thought you’d maybe changed your mind” she joked shyly.

Gerard smiled gently at her joke before he spared a brief glance over her shoulder. “Are you going to let me inside?” he asked gently.

Ariella’s cheeks flushed a soft shade of pink before she nodded, taking a pace out of the doorway. “Of course” she quipped “Can I get you anything?” she asked as she gently pushed the front door closed.

Gerard, who’d moved to pull off his jacket, spared her a brief glance over his shoulder before he shook his head, another awkward smile creeping onto his lips. “I’m alright” he mused.

Ariella offered him a dubious look, wordlessly asking if he was sure, before she nodded her head, gesturing through towards the living room. Gerard nodded his head gently and padded through towards the room, quickly making his way towards the couch. Settling him down into his seat, he spared a brief glance around the room before he settled his eyes on Ariella, something which caused his stomach to turn before he shook his head, a soft sigh tumbling out of his mouth.

Ariella, who’d sat beside him, caught the sound of his sigh before she tilted her head, a small furrow appearing between her eyebrows. “Gerard?” she murmured “Are you alright?” she asked.

Gerard looked at her for a few seconds, allowing a silence to settle over the two of them, before he shook his head, glancing down towards his hands which fiddled with his shirt. “I...I need to talk to you” he stumbled out “Well, I don’t really need to, but I want to. This...us...” he babbled, trying to conjure the words he had thought out previously.

Ariella shifted in her seat slightly before she gently reached out, placing her hand on his, something which caused Gerard to shake his head, gently pulling his hand away from her. “I don’t know that I can do this anymore, Ella” he murmured softly.

Ariella’s eyes widened. “What?” she spluttered.

“This” Gerard mumbled “Us being friends after...after the way things ended, I don’t know if I can keep doing it. It’s not working for me, Ella” he explained.

Ariella merely stared at him, not quite sure of what to say.

Gerard met her eyes hesitantly for a second before he dropped them back towards his feet, allowing a few long moments of quite to hang between the two of them before he cleared his throat. “I thought it would be easier” he murmured “I mean, we were friends for so long, I thought I would be a lot easier for us to just slip back to where we were before, but it hasn’t been. It’s been hard on me, Ella, being around you, and I think...I think that for the time being we need to just cut our losses. We need space, or at least I need space from you” he explained.

Ariella shifted a little in her seat, mulling his words over for a moment, before she gently shook her head. “I’ve never meant to make it hard” she mumbled “I mean, I knew... I knew that it wouldn’t be very easy, but I...” she trailed off, trying to find the right words.

Gerard smiled sadly. “I know you didn’t mean for it to be hard” he assured her “It’s just...you seem to be handling it all so much better than me and it sucks to see it. You’re moving on, you’re dating Adrian now and I am...I am still moping around” he added, trying to keep his voice as lighthearted as he could. He knew that she hadn’t done it on purpose, when she had decided to introduce him to Adrian, he was certain that she meant it as he way of including him in her group of friends, but it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to see her having moved on. It was something which was always going to sting him.

Ariella played with the ends of her hair for a moment before Gerard reached his hand out, gently brushing the hair off of her face. “Can I ask you something?” he mumbled, disturbing the quiet which had settled over the two of them.

Ariella nodded. “Of course” she mused.

“What happened?” Gerard asked.

Ariella frowned.

“I know I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend” Gerard mused “I know I made my mistakes, but I just... I don’t really understand what went wrong between the two of us. There was something that I missed, wasn’t there?” he asked.

Ariella blinked, surprised by his question, before she gently shook her head. “Geri...”

“I’m not going to be upset” Gerard interrupted, recognizing the tone of her voice “I just want to understand it. It’s Ok if you didn’t feel the same way about me...”

“That’s not it” Ariella interjected.

Gerard tilted his head. “What?” he asked.

“It’s not that I didn’t feel the same way about you” Ariella clarified gently “Geri, you know how I felt about you” she added.

Gerard’s expression hardened slightly. “I thought I did” he mumbled “And then you dumped me” he added.

“Gerard...”

“I just don’t get it, Ella” Gerard mumbled “I don’t understand why you were just so quick to jump to dumping me and I don’t understand why, if you felt the same way for me that I did for you, you’re perfectly fine whilst I am still miserable. It tells me that you didn’t feel the same way for me, Ella, that you weren’t interested in what I was interested in” he added bitingly.

Ariella shook her head. “That’s not true” she mumbled.

“Isn’t it?” Gerard sneered “It’s barely been six months and yet you’re all loved up with Adrian. How can you have felt what I felt?” he spat.

Ariella merely shook her head, her eyes fixed on her feet.

“Did you ever love me?” Gerard asked after a few excruciatingly long seconds.

“Of course I did” Ariella mused quietly “I just...I got scared” she spluttered out.

Gerard’s expression softened momentarily. “Scared?” he asked “Ella, what did you have to be scared of?” he added.

Ariella glanced up at him cautiously, a few tears in her eyes, before she shook her head, signaling that she wasn’t going to say more than what she had already said.

Gerard’s eyes softened slightly at her tearful expression before he shook his head, pushing himself back up to his feet. “We need to take some time” he mumbled “This...us being friends, it’s not working and we need to acknowledge that and give it up for a while, maybe permanently” he added firmly.

Ariella nodded her head weakly.

Gerard mimicked her action before he made for the door, something Ariella stopped by placed her hand gently against his wrist. “You don’t have to believe me” she muttered “In fact, from the look on your face, I am almost certain that you won’t, but I am just as hurt as you are that things between us ended the way that they did. I made a mess of things, Gerard...in fact, that’s an understatement I fucked things up between us entirely and I regret it wholeheartedly, I never wanted to hurt you, Gerard, and if don’t want to believe that, fine, but it’s true. I can’t apologise enough for everything, I can’t even get close, but I am sorry” she insisted tearfully. She knew that it didn’t mean much, her words were very little consolation for what had happened between the two of them, but she wanted to say them, even if they didn’t make any difference. She wanted him to hear them.

Gerard glanced down at her hand on his wrist, mulling her words over for a few moments, before he nodded his head sadly. “I’m sorry too” he mumbled “I thought...I thought we really had something, Ella” he added before he tugged his hand out of her grasp, making his way out of the room.

Ariella watched him go before she quietly sunk down onto the couch, crying softly in her hands. She knew that she didn’t have a right to be upset, since they’d broken up, there was no denying that she was the one who’d caused them problems, but still it hurt hearing what he had said. She knew that she had hurt him, from the moment the words telling him that she wanted to end things had slipped out of her mouth, she had seen it on his face, and she knew that there wasn’t likely to be any making it better, even if regret did gnaw at her. She knew that she wasn’t likely to be able to put it right.
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Thanks to Jayme112234 and FootieJo for the comments :)