Too Scared to Love Again

“Okay, Lynn Cornelia Evans!” Cynthia announced, just before she poured a cold glass of water over her roommate, who had been heavily asleep ever since she came stumbling into her bedroom late last night.

The cold water hit Lynn’s face, causing the brunette to groan as she jumped up from her bed, trying to locate her surroundings as well as the awful headache that was rubbing into her forehead.

“Cynthia, what the hell!” Lynn spat at the blonde woman, who was companied by Blair. Both of the women had their arms crossed over their chests.

“You have some explaining to do, young woman.” Blair stated, sounding as though she was at least twenty years older than what she was.

“And so do you. Why couldn’t you wake me up like a decent human being?” Lynn grumbled, and then threw herself back into her now soaked sheets.

“Because you lied to us!” Cynthia let out, pointing a finger at the brunette, who was now trying to fall asleep again.

“Can you please lower your fucking voice?” the tired brunette muttered under her breath.

“Okay, Lynn, what the hell is going on?” Blair asked, her eyebrows looking as though they were about to disappear into her hairline. “Did you or did you not kiss Brian?”

God help me.

Lynn lowered her teeth into her bottom lip, unsure what to say as she shifted uncomfortably in the bed. Her mind, despite how hungover she was, could perfectly recall the events from the bar, and especially how things had turned out with Brian.

The brunette could still remember how intense it had been when his lips met hers, and especially how obedient he had made her feel as the kiss deepened.

The blurry memory was soon replaced by the barging sound of Cynthia’s voice, as the woman also snapped her fingers in front of her face.

“Well?” she raised her eyebrows.

“Yes. I kissed Brian,” Lynn sighed. “But I was drunk and it didn’t mean anything!” she rushed.

Cynthia and Blair exchanged a look, the two of them looking as though they didn’t exactly now how to react. Blair soon cleared her throat and then allowed her arms to fall from their earlier stern position.

“What’s going on, L?” she voiced softly as she sat down at the end of her bed, looking genuinely worried for the first time in a long time.

“I’m hungover as hell and Cynthia threw water on me while I was asleep?” Lynn shrugged, not really understanding the question nor the worried voice.

“Lynn, that’s not what I mean.” Blair sighed.

“Okay, so what do you mean then?” Lynn narrowed her eyes at her friend, soon noticing that Cynthia was sharing the same concern in her eyes as Blair.

“Are you in love with Brian?”

Lynn’s dark eyes suddenly widened, and in one brief moment it looked like the entire woman was about to explode.

“Come on, Lynn. Don’t give us that look! You haven’t been out in the field for a really long time, and we don’t think it’s a coincidence that Brian happens to be the person you hand your heart out to!” Cynthia commented.

Her words felt like harsh arrows against the shield that Lynn rarely lowered. The shield she had gotten after Carter screwed her over in the worst possible ways, and the shield that she clung to when things became too much.

“I’m not giving my heart out to someone just because I kissed them!” Lynn raised her voice, this time really furious. “And speaking of love and that shit, what about you? You were out there with Jimmy, and none of you looked friendly!” she pointed out.

Cynthia’s eyebrows moved up on her forehead, and she soon went from surprised to defensive.

“That’s not the same! At least I’m not denying that I like the guy!” Cynthia half-sneered.

“You just confessed it! You haven’t told us before now, and that was only because you were caught!” Lynn responded with just as much anger in her voice as the blonde roomie.

“This is ridiculous, Lynn! You can’t even say that you like Brian!”

“That’s because I don’t!” Lynn argued.

“Of course you do! You’re just scared to let someone get as close to you as Carter was! We get it! We saw how fucked up you became, but not everyone’s like him! Fucking hell, Lynn! Why can’t you see that?” Cynthia’s voice had gone from loud to yelling, just as Blair grabbed a hold of her hand, noticing that her friend had clearly stepped over the line.

“C…” Blair sighed. “Lynn, she didn’t-”

Blair was soon cut off by Lynn, who got up from her bed and grabbed a hold of the two roomies. The tears were already exploding in her eyes, all of them so heavy that she couldn’t hold them back even if she tried.

“Get out!” Lynn said, not caring about Blair’s explanation or the fact that Cynthia had just realized what she had said.

“Lynn-” Cynthia started, but was soon faced by Lynn’s door that she locked with her spare key. “Come on!”

“No, get the hell away from me!” the brunette yelled, her voice choked by a follow sob that came running out of her throat, before her back slipped down the cold door, her butt soon hitting the floor.

The tears kept staggering down her cheeks, soaking up her skin, something she hadn’t experienced in a long time. The sensation of it felt utterly uncomfortable, and it was as though the feeling was taking her back to when Carter pulled his last trunk into his car and then threw one last glance at the woman he had betrayed.

In that moment, just like now, Lynn had locked herself inside her bedroom and cried until her eyes couldn’t handle it. Her knees rested against her chest, and her face was buried somewhere between the two of them. Her entire body was shaking by anger, grief and sorrow, just like she’d experienced when Carter left.

And somewhere between the pathetic crying, the immense pain in her chest and throbbing headache from yesterday’s decisions, she had to ask herself: am I in love with Brian?

♠♠♠

Brian rolled over to his stomach, feeling Pinkly’s soft fur as the Maltese had decided to curl up close to his side. The guitarist ran his long fingers through the dog’s fur, unable to think straight, as he could already sense a headache along the way.

“You should really find a new place for your spare key!” a high-pitched voice announced, as Brian’s eyes opened in utter panic.

The brunette was standing close to his curtains, his purple damask curtains being ripped open, just as the sunlight all but threw itself unto his tired face, making him groan as he all but buried his face into his pillow.

“Fuck off! It’s too early!” he growled at his ex-girlfriend, who only shook her head, arching her eyebrows a little at him.

“Do you wanna tell me what the hell happened last night?” she asked, her arms crossed over her chest.
“Nothing happened.” Brian murmured determinedly.

“That’s what I call bullshit, Haner. I’ve known you for way too long to buy that shit.” Michelle reminded him, and then threw herself unto his bed, landing on top of his soft and ridiculously expensive mattress.

“Get off!” he sighed against the pillow, knowing that she would tear off of the sheets if he didn’t obey her.

“Bri, what happened last night?” Michelle muffled, her voice as soft as velvet, meanwhile she searched for his hands. “Jimmy told me everything.”

“That drunk motherfucker...” Brian sighed.

“You know you can come to me.” she reminded him.

“Lynn happened, okay.” he muttered back.

“So I’ve been told. Wanna give me some details?” she asked, soon earning Pinkly’s attention, as the Maltese started to cuddle into her side.

“She’s a bitch.” Brian frowned, his breath heavy and thick with sleep.

“Don’t say that,” Michelle half-snapped at him. “What happened? And don’t tell me that she’s difficult or a jerk or something, because that’s not very descriptive.”

“Oh, it is very descriptive!” he hissed and then allowed another groan to leave his lips. “She’s been ignoring me for a week now, and she just won’t admit it!” he let out.

“And why is she ignoring you?” Misha cocked her eyebrows at him, rolling over and making herself comfortable next to him.

“We kissed.” Brian admitted, too tired to care about the way Michelle’s eyes all but widened out in fascination.

“Bri, that’s awesome!” she quipped. “That’s good, right?”

“I don’t know,” Brian shrugged back, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. “I thought it was good, but then she chickened out, like always.” he added bitterly.

“What do you mean?”

Brian sighed and then ran his fingers through his dark thick hair. The situation with Lynn had been literally wearing him out. He had been determined to not let anyone know – not even the guys, but it was as though he couldn’t keep it to himself any longer. It didn’t matter what he did in order to get her out of his head. He had been running like crazy, hitting the gym multiple of times, getting shitfaced, smoked lots of weed and worked on new stuff in his studio. No matter what he did, where he went or how shitfaced he got, the thought of Lynn was always waiting for him on the other side.

The sensation of Lynn’s lips seemed to visit his mind every now and then, and the idea of her didn’t disappear, no matter how much he wanted it to.

And it annoyed him.

It annoyed the living hell out of him.

“It was a good kiss,” Brian explained. “Or at least I thought so, but clearly she didn’t.” he murmured.

“Did she tell you that?” Michelle asked. “Doesn’t sound like Lynn.”

“No, but it was practically written all over her fucking face!” Brian argued.

“Okay, so you’re assuming that she didn’t like it? Did she pull away and do that look on her face when she’s unimpressed?”

The picture of Lynn cursing under her breath was already going through his mind, and it was almost as though he wondered what it would be if she had reacted differently that night.

“She kissed me back.” Brian confirmed.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“What’s the problem? She’s been ignoring me ever since! Every time we bump into a difficult topic, she locks herself in and won’t open up until I decide to not talk to her about it! That’s fucking stupid!” he pointed out.

“But what if she has a good reason to lock herself in?”

“Like what?” Brian cocked his eyebrows at the brunette.

“You know she’s been hurt before. Not even I know how, but based on what I’ve heard, it was pretty ugly, Bri.”

“And what does that have to do with me?”

“You’re a new guy. A guy who’s showing interest in her, probably in a way she hasn’t experienced before.” Michelle guessed.

“I’m not interested!” Brian argued, frowning a little at the brunette.

“Yeah, right!” she snorted. “Come on, Bri!”

“I’m serious!” he insisted.

“It’s been a month since last time you slept with someone!” Michelle pointed out. “You wouldn’t do that if you didn’t like her!”

Brian glared at the woman, looking slightly offended by her assumption. “And what makes you think that?” he cocked his eyebrow.

“Oh, please! Matt told me!” she said, rolling her eyes at him. “Jeez, you’re underestimating me!” she announced and then smacked his shoulder with her hand.

Brian groaned a little, before he ducked under his covers, only the tip of his hair facing the pillow.

“Bri, you’re both hurting,” Michelle murmured. “And I think that means you have some unfinished business.”

Brian didn’t answer. Parts of him knew that she was somewhat right – of course he was hurting. He had been trying to wrap his head around Lynn for quite some time now, and every time he tried to be supportive, she pushed him away. On the other hand, he also knew that she was hurting, and especially considering that she had been going through a lot of stuff she didn’t want to tell him about.

“I’m gonna go, I just wanted to check upon you,” she said, running her fingers over his bare shoulders as she started to push herself out of is bed. “If you need anything, give me a call, okay?” Michelle added, glancing up at him and noticing how careless he wanted to appear.

“Thanks.” Brian murmured under his breath, not hesitating as he threw himself unto his bed again and brought his beloved Maltese up to his chest.

He saw as Michelle made her way out of his bedroom, closing the door, as her footsteps died out as she reached the stairs. Brian laid in his bed for several minutes and just stared up at the ceiling. The sheets were covering his hips, and his hands had been tugged at the back of his head.

Should I call her? he thought to himself. None of the guys had given him an update since last night, and he would be lying if he said that he didn’t think about her.

Brian waited for several minutes, and his eyes resting against his Iphone screen, where he had her name lightening up his screen.

He soon placed the phone back on his nightstand and then decided to sleep for another good hour.