Here I Am, There You Are

I left the bathroom after just having finished doing my makeup. Jack and I were at my parents’ house for a week. A very busy week. It wasn’t just for a fun little holiday like back when we celebrated Christmas with my family. This time we actually had places to be and things to do. Afterall, we were planning a wedding.

We had decided on a date, giving us just over a year to plan the whole thing. And we had chosen to have it back home in Maryland instead of out in LA. It was just easier for all of our family to come out there. While we were still very early on in the process, we did have to choose a venue, especially since we wanted to get married during the busy fall season.

So, Jack and I thought it would be useful to combine that with a trip we were going to take anyway back to Baltimore for our high school reunion. It seemed like a good plan on paper, and it wasn’t a horrible idea in execution either. It was just pretty hectic. At least we had a day to do nothing after the reunion. So, that was something.

When I pushed the door to my bedroom open and walked in, I froze and stared at Jack. “Fuck me, you look good.”

It wasn’t like he had dressed up and looked very fancy, but he had put in a little work to look a little more smart and less casual. He was still wearing his usual black jeans, but he had dropped the t-shirt or sweatshirt for a white button-up. I loved it whenever he wore a button up shirt. It just did something.

“You know I’d love to,” he grinned at me and tried to wink, but failed just as miserably as always. “But Alex and Lisa are expecting us.”

“Do you think I’m underdressed?” I asked him, looking down at my own clothes with a frown. I was wearing a beige cami top, blue jeans, and a nice pair of nude heels. To keep myself warm I was just wearing a cardigan that I could easily take off as well.

“No, you’re good,” Jack told me, fixing his hair in the mirror that was also the sliding door on the closet.

I knew that he honestly meant it, but it still didn’t feel right. “It’s not working. It’s the jeans.”

I closed the door to the bedroom and walked in further, kicking off my shoes and pulling off my jeans in frustration. It was just a high school reunion, I didn’t need to look like my best self, I wasn’t worried about that. I didn’t have anything to prove. But I didn’t want to be the only one there in blue jeans either. So, changing was the only option to make myself feel good.

I rushed over to the suitcase Jack and I were sharing and bent over to start rummaging through the clothes I had brought with me just to find another pair of bottoms that could work.

“Now you’re the one turning me on.” Jack took a sharp breath in.

I snapped my head in his direction and saw him staring at my barely-covered butt. He wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it. I threw the balled up shirt that I was holding at him. “Hey! Don’t look at my ass!”

“Kind of hard not to,” he laughed, tossing the shirt back in my direction.

“You’re gross.” I folded the shirt and put it back in its place before pulling out some pants for myself.

Jack finally broke his gaze and started smiling like an idiot before he even said anything. “I’m not gross, I’m Jack.”

“Alright, no need to start with dad jokes yet.” I shook my head and got back up. I stepped into the trouser’s legs and pulled it on.

He pouted. “But it’s fun.”

I just tucked my shirt into of my pants. The white high-waisted wide leg trousers were a much better choice. They usually were something I’d wear to work, but the vibe was slightly similar to this whole reunion thing. Formal, but not too formal. If I wore a work shirt, it would have been too formal. The cami top just toned it down a lot.

“Is this any better?” I asked and twirled around for Jack.

“There was nothing wrong with what you were wearing before,” he gestured to the jeans crumpled up on the floor. “But, yes, it does work better.”

“Good.” I nodded and sat down on the bed to put my shoes back on.

It didn’t take too long, so I acted like I didn’t notice Jack checking the time on his phone. I knew we were a little behind schedule, but I also knew Alex. He wasn’t going to be ready if we came on time. Or, he would be ready, but not completely. Like, he’d suddenly have to fix his hair because he forgot or something.

“Alright, let’s go,” I announced as I jumped back up onto my feet.

I took hold of Jack’s hand and started dragging him with me as if he was the one keeping us waiting. On the way out, I grabbed my purse, and pulled him along to the hallway. Out there, we ran into Ethan who had a lollipop in his mouth. He stared at us and I stared right back. It was his last week before he left for college and he had his own party to go to.

“Looking good,” I complimented, still holding Jack’s hand.

Ethan shrugged and pulled out the lollipop. “I’ll probably change again before I leave.”

“It runs in the family,” Jack commented, giving my hand a little squeeze.

“Okay, no need to judge,” I defended and tugged on his arm before wishing Ethan luck one last time. “Don’t get too drunk!”

Ethan scoffed and walked into his bedroom, “like I’d ever do that.”

Jack and I went downstairs after that and said goodbye to my parents. They were probably going to be asleep once we came back from this reunion. Not only would it end pretty late, we still had to bring Alex and Lisa back home afterwards. It was a clear perk for them to be friends with me. I didn’t drink, so I was the designated driver. Jack certainly seemed to enjoy not having to discuss who got to drink when.

We took my mom’s car and I forced Jack to drive to the Alex and Lisa’s and the venue. My argument was that I was going to have the drive his drunk ass home later. It worked. Usually, I’d take Ethan’s car to get around when I needed to drive while I was at home. But he was obviously going to be using it to get to his party.

Once we got to Alex and Lisa’s, they had just finished getting ready. As soon as we rang their doorbell it was already pretty clear that Lisa had claimed me for the night. We hadn’t seen each other since before the engagement. There was a lot of catching up to do. She even somehow convinced me to sit with her in the back while Alex took the passenger seat. Then, once we entered the large hall where the event was taking place, Lisa immediately pulled me along with her to a group of her friends.

She probably thought she was doing me a favour. Afterall, I knew these girls back in high school as well. But to call them my friends as well now would just be a lie. Lisa always stayed close to them throughout college and she stayed on the east coast so she always had contact with them. I found new friends during college and moved to the west coast. I only really stayed friends with the guys because they’d often be on the west coast. Seriously, the last time I saw these girls was at Lisa’s wedding and before that it was probably some party during the summer of 2006.

I didn’t feel like I really fit in despite the fact that they were trying to include me. It was just… they were Lisa’s friends, not mine. They talked about things that didn’t really interest me. Don’t get me wrong, I also enjoyed renovating a house and getting engaged, but I couldn’t talk about that type of stuff for hours. Honestly, I preferred Jack’s weird jokes just a little more.

I managed to get away from the group by saying I was going to go get a drink. The room was full of tables and there were people everywhere. Our entire class was practically here and many people had also taken plus ones. By now, there were already quite a few people who had gotten married and even had kids. It was strange seeing people I remembered as irresponsible teenagers as adults now (myself included). I had seen Alex, Jack, and Rian grow up with me, so that was just a little different.

I went over to the table where all the food and drinks were. There were many different wines and glasses already filled. Apparently somebody who helped organise our reunion now owned a winery and supplied all of the wines. It was absolutely absurd to me. But then again, high school reunions were there to show off, weren’t they?

I skipped past all the wine and just grabbed one of the glasses of water when I noticed somebody taking a glass of red wine next to me. I looked over to see none other than my high school boyfriend. He was already looking back at me with a big smile on his face.

“Rachel, hey!” He greeted now that he had caught my attention.

“Hey, Chris.” I gave him a small wave.

Although he was my ex-boyfriend, I actually preferred talking to him than going back to Lisa’s group. We didn’t really end on a bad note, but it also didn’t end all that great either. I had been the one that broke up with him after we started at our respective universities. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do long distance with him, I just felt so young and like there was still so much to come. But, mainly, when he told me about his new friends and he was talking about this one girl like she was the best person he’d ever met, I felt like I was giving him an unfair chance. So, I broke up with him. He got mad and was pretty upset. It wasn’t like I enjoyed it either, but it was the best for both of us. I just hoped he now knew that I had made the right decision.

“How’re things going?” he asked me as he followed me to one of the nearby high top tables.

“Pretty good.” I nodded, putting my drink down on the table. “I’m still out in LA. Working as an editor-in-chief at a magazine.”

“Oh, nice!” He reacted, giving me an approving look. “Didn’t you always want a job in that direction?”

“Yeah, yeah I did.” I was relatively impressed that he remembered. But then again, he had always been quite a supportive boyfriend back at school. “What about you? How are you?”

“Yeah, I’m good too!” He took a sip of his wine and put the glass back down on the table. “I actually dated that girl back in college for a bit, but we broke up eventually. And I own my own company right now.”

“Oh…?” I raised an eyebrow to get him to continue. “And that’s going…?”

“I’m not rich yet,” he confessed as if that was the only measure of success.

I laughed and shook my head at him. “Yeah, that tends to be pretty difficult to achieve.”

“I know right,” he played along, “who would have guessed?”

It was nice talking to somebody who didn’t just talk about kids or weddings or this ‘adorable’ party they went to. There was a reason I was once in love with this guy. He was the person I had lost my virginity to. Sure, I had done things with people before (for example, that blowjob I had given Alex), but he was the real deal. I didn’t have any of those feelings for him anymore, but I was always going to appreciate him.

But, unfortunately, high school reunions always have to be a little awkward.

“I just want to say, there’s no hard feelings anymore for you breaking up with me,” he told me.

“That’s good. I’m glad.” I smiled and took a drink from my water. What else was I supposed to say?

“I mean it,” he confirmed and slipped his hand onto my right hand. “No hard feelings.”

I stared at our hands and quickly retracted mine. Of course. I chuckled awkwardly. “Oh.”

“What?” he chuckled back, noticing the rejection but definitely trying to play it off.

“Please don’t just be nice to try and sleep with me.” For some reason that was my argument instead of immediately telling him I was engaged. Maybe it was because I really didn't want Chris just talking to me to get in my pants again.

“Why would I do that?’ he asked, still trying to act like he never made a move.

I gave him a look. He wasn’t just going to downplay it like that. I knew exactly what he was doing. “Well, I’m assuming you’re single, at least based on the fact that you’re doing this. If you’re not, then it’s so much worse. But you’re here thinking you can hook up with your ex-girlfriends. But you know no ex would just jump at the opportunity. Or at least, you know now because we’ve been here for an hour and a half and you’ve just started talking to me. So, you’re trying to be nice, trying to spark old feelings in me or something.”

He stared at me for a second, taking in the process I had just explained. “Okay. You’ve always known me well.”

“It’s kind of sad, really,” I told him with as much honesty as possible. We were in our thirties.

“But is it working?” He still tried his chances.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my back and body behind me. I didn’t even need to check to know that it was Jack. When he said something, it was only a confirmation to me that it wasn’t another guy trying to get with me. “Is what working?”

Chris didn’t even try to hide it. Afterall, Jack used to have a certain reputation. “Just working on my flirting to hook up at a school reunion skills.”

“You know she’s engaged, right?” Jack made clear as I held up my left hand to show off my ring. I wasn’t too worried. Jack wasn’t the overly jealous type. He didn’t like other guys flirting with me, but he did trust me.

“I should have guessed,” Chris said as he gestured towards my hand. It wasn’t like I had been hiding it from him. My hand had been on the table the entire time. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

I looked up at Jack and smiled. Just thinking about marrying him made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I patted his cheek with one hand and pressed a kiss to the other cheek.

“I did that.” Jack pointed at the ring, but it could definitely be taken in another way. I held my hand out with my palm facing upward to get a high five from him. Once he hit it, he held on for a bit longer.

“Wait.” Chris seemed confused. Not about what we were saying, but the exact details. “Was this some sort of pact? Like, if you’re not in a relationship at thirty, you’ll get married?”

“No,” I quickly corrected before rumours would start spreading, “we’ve been together for a few years.”

“Huh.” He gave a nod, but seemed like he was overthinking everything. “I’m sorry, congrats. I just wouldn’t have expected it.”

I felt like I knew where he was coming from. So, I decided to put his worries to rest while the hand Jack first had on my back slid to my side and he held me closer. “It’s a relatively new thing. Don’t worry, I didn’t have feelings for Jack when we were together.”

We were each other’s first loves. I didn’t want him to think any of that wasn’t ever true. While I didn’t exactly like that he was trying to sleep with me again now, I didn’t want to ruin that for him. If I found out Chris had been pining after somebody else while we were supposedly in love, I would have been upset myself no matter how long ago that all ended. A first love was special.

“I can’t say the same,” Jack mumbled and kissed the top of my head.

“Oh, I know,” Chris laughed, seeming like he felt more at ease now. To be honest, I would have felt very disconcerted if I found out he was now engaged to one of his best girl friends from back when we were dating.

Jack let out a deep breath. “I feel like I should beat you up for hitting on my fiancée.”

Although the word fiancée made me grin, the rest of his sentence didn’t. I turned around hin shock. “Oh my god, how much have you had to drink?”

“This will be my fifth.” He held up his glass of white wine. My eyes went wide, but he was quick to defend himself. “But these glasses are small and it’s almost been two hours. I’m still good.”

“I don’t think you want to fight me,” Chris told Jack. “Just because we’ll both be in pain and defeated. I can’t take you, but I don’t think you can take me. Neither of us are fighters.”

“Hmm… alright.” Jack nodded yet squinted his eyes. “But if I see you trying to flirt with her again…”

“Hey, I don’t mess with another man’s girl.” Chris held up his hands in defense. “... Or another girl’s girl…”

I interjected, reminding the boys that I was also an important factor here. “And I don’t flirt with anybody who isn’t the guy I’m marrying next year.”

Eventually, Chris said goodbye and probably went off to find somebody else to hook up with. Although I had been his first love and I had lost my virginity to him, I hadn’t been his first girlfriend. He had been with a few girls before me. If I knew those girls now, I would have warned him who to approach and who not to approach. Hopefully, he knew to be a bit more careful now.

I just sat with Jack and Alex and their friends. Jack was going through glasses of wine like it was some sort of life source while I continued to sip on water. He was going at quite a steady pace and was slowly getting drunk. Or, actually, not so very slowly. But everybody around him was keeping up quite well, so it wasn’t very noticable. They were all loud and getting a bit obnoxious.

When the conversation didn’t start making much sense to me anymore, I got up and went to the bathroom. After I washed my hands and fixed my hair, I left the bathroom and bumped into another person I recognised. Well, I recognised most people here, but I actually had spoken to this person before. He wasn’t an ex, nor was he really a friend. Maybe the best way to describe him was as an acquaintance. Either way, he had changed a lot.

“Tyler?” I questioned to make sure that this was the person I thought it was.

“Rachel, hi!” he exclaimed in return and gave me a hug.

“No way…” I looked at him, still not believing my eyes.

Tyler was the kid who sat next to me in Biology, the nerdy kid who got straight As and never went to a party. He was awkward and scrawny. The guy in front of me, however, was hot. He built up some muscle and ditched his plain clothes for a fitting suit. His hair was no longer a curly mess. It had been styled to make him look runway ready.

He smiled softly at me and brushed some of his hair out of his face. “I’ve been getting that reaction a lot today.”

“You look great, though!” I told him again so he wouldn’t dismiss all the comments.

“Well, I’m not the only one.” He winked and gestured to me.

I brushed it off, deciding not to go down the road of us just complimenting each other’s appearance. “You know, I searched all over for you during our graduation but couldn’t find you.”

“Really?” he looked shocked but also pleasantly surprised. “I’m sorry, I left right after the ceremony.”

“Yeah. You’re probably the only reason I graduated,” I confessed without shame. “I would have failed biology without you. I know I was a sucky lab partner and let you do most of the project all by yourself. Not many people knew, or even know now, but I was close to having a mental breakdown. My grandpa and my cousin who I was very close to passed away in the span of a week and my grades plummeted. If you hadn’t carried the project, I would have probably failed so many classes an not just Biology.”

“I didn’t know at all,” he shook his head. “People were telling me I was insane for letting you make me do most of the work, but I was wearing rose-coloured glasses. I mean, you were my partner, it was anybody’s dream. I’m glad I could help.”

I was happy that he wasn’t mad at me for being such a bitch back then. I barely did anything, all I did was contribute a tiny bit to the report, I didn’t do any of the hard work. Personally, I would have been pissed. Usually, I wouldn’t be the girl to slack, but I wasn’t doing well at all back then.

“If there’s ever any way I can make it up to you, please do tell me.” I hoped to show my gratitude.

“Well…” He gave me a shy smile and scratched the back of his head. “If you would like to go out with me sometime…”

I sighed and held up my ring yet again that evening. “I’m sorry, I’m actually engaged.”

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry!” He quickly apologised. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“No, no, it’s okay!” I quickly said. “I’m sure that if I was single, I would have said yes. You were always nice to me.”

“I’m not sure what to think about that,” he chuckled, cocking his head to the side. “Seventeen-year-old me would be freaking out, but now it just seems like I’m too late.”

“A bit, yes,” I told him honestly. I probably wouldn’t have said yes back in high school, but if he had said something before Jack and I started dating, I would have probably gone for it.

“So, is your fiancé here?” he asked next.

“Actually, it’s Jack.”

“Jack…?” He asked, no clue who I was talking about.

“Barakat,” I clarified.

“Oh, shit!” He gasped in surprise. “Well, that put things in perspective. I totally have a chance as well. Not with you, but others, of course.”

“Hey, don’t worry about that. You’re a good looking and nice guy, you’ll find somebody. I thought I was a lost cause until Jack made a move, and then it just felt right.”

“Oh, no, I’m not worried about it,” he dismissed. “Just knowing that you would have said yes and that Jack managed to do it, gives me the confidence boost I needed.”

“Okay, alright,” I laughed. I wouldn’t have expected him to still be so self-conscious with the person he seemed to be now. “Well, I’m going to go back to Jack before he drinks so much he blacks out.”

“Does he still do that?” Taylor asked.

“Not too often. He’s just surrounded by all these old friends right now.” I didn’t want to seem like I was just making excuses for him. “Since I don’t drink, he always checks what I’m cool with. I didn’t really mind today.”

“Okay,” he nodded, looking at me like he was trying to catch me in a lie. But there was no lying on my part. “Well, if you need help carrying him home, you know where to find me.”

“Thanks, Taylor.” I gave him a supportive pat on the arm. “It was nice seeing you.”

I stayed with Jack for the rest of the night. I didn’t want to seem like I depended on him, but I really wasn’t feeling Lisa’s friends and I was starting to get the vibe that other guys were trying to get with me. It was quite a compliment, but I was in a happy relationship now. I didn’t exactly need more people talking to me just in hope that I’d go home with them.

Eventually, it started to get pretty late. Most of the people here had already left, especially the people with kids back at home. It was quite a gradual trickle of people exiting through the double doors. Jack’s group of friends, however, didn’t dwindle in size much as the night progressed. It was one in the morning when I decided I really couldn’t take much more. Everybody around me was wasted, including Jack. He was speaking complete nonsense. It got to the point that I even had to help him get to the car.

It was a little annoying, but I did sign myself up for it.

I dropped off Alex and Lisa at their house and then continued on to my parents’ house. Jack got out of the car before I could even take off my seatbelt. He made it all the way to the front door without stumbling, but then he had to wait for me to lock the car and unlock the door for him. As soon as that front door went open, he managed to run into the shoe rack.

“Hey, quiet down,” I scolded a helped himself stabilise by putting my hand on his back, “my parents are asleep.”

I was the only thing that kept him up as he kicked his shoes off. Luckily, he knew better than to go upstairs without me. So, he waited while I took off my own shoes. Then eventually, I stayed behind him as he went up the stairs and I steered him into the bathroom. If we’d go into the bedroom, he’d pass out immediately.

I turned on the light and closed the door behind us so my parents wouldn’t wake up from the water running or something. The first thing I did was lift the toilet lid.

“Alright, go pee,” I instructed Jack and pointed at the toilet.

He just groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t wanna.”

“Are you sure about that?” I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms. There was no way I was going to get to get ready for bed before Jack was asleep at this rate.

“I don’t need to,” he grumbled and pouted at me.

“Come on…” I slowly walked up to him before undoing his belt. “You can do it!”

“I don’t need to!” he whined a little louder.

But I knew better than that. First of all, Jack always used the toilet before bed. Second of all, he had had a lot to drink. And third of all, most of those drinks were alcoholic. It was a disaster waiting to happen. He’d be too drunk to get to the bathroom quietly by himself later and I’d be damned if he wet the bed. Not that he ever did, but he also hadn’t been this drunk in very long.

I popped the button and unzipped his jeans for him. “Sit.”

He huffed in annoyance, but pushed his jeans and boxers down to his thighs before sitting down on the toilet. Because he was so stubborn, he just sat there staring at the wall in front of me. I just went over to the sink and picked up his toothbrush. After putting some toothpaste on it, I ran it under the water. And that’s when Jack broke and he sighed in relief. Of course I had been right.

I just rolled my eyes and crouched down in front of him as he was peeing. I honestly didn’t care, all I needed to do was get him ready for bed. It was like he was my toddler or something.

“Open up,” I told him much like a dentist would.

This time, he did it without needing any extra convincing. I stuck the toothbrush into his mouth and held his jaw with my other hand before I started brushing his teeth for him. There was no way I was going to let him breathe out his alcohol breath all over me the entire night. I probably didn’t do it perfectly, but it was better than nothing.

Jack kicked off his jeans while he was still on the toilet. When we were both done, I took the toothbrush from his mouth and he got back up and put his boxers back on. While I cleaned the toothbrush, he actually flushed the toilet, which was more than expected. Right after, he came to me to spit out the toothpaste froth.

“Let’s get you to bed.” I rubbed his arm softly and pecked him on his lips.

He smiled down at me goofily. “I love you.”

“I love you,” I replied and kissed his cheek this time.

I followed him to the bedroom, not turning on the light this time. He climbed in himself, but I tucked him in. Yet again, I kissed him on the cheek to wish him goodnight. And then I slowly started to back away. But I never really got to take a proper step backwards.

“Aren’t you coming to cuddle?” he mumbled, his voice thick with sleep.

“I still have to brush my own teeth and get changed,” I whispered back, running my fingers through his messy hair.

“Hmm.” He accepted my answer and snuggled further into the pillow. But he wasn’t going to sleep just yet. He actually turned slightly to look at me. “Hey, Rach?”

“Yeah?” I sat on the edge of the bed so I didn’t have to keep bending over weirdly.

“Let’s make a baby.”

I giggled softly and shook my head. “One day.”

“No,” he sighed in annoyance, “now.”

“How about after we get married?”

He stuck out his bottom lip, but eventually gave in. “Okay, fine.”

I pressed a kiss to his forehead and stood up. Before I even left the room, I could already hear Jack’s breathing deepening, telling me he fell asleep. I sneaked out quietly and tiptoed to the bathroom, now careful not to wake up three people in this house. Although I was sure Jack wasn’t going to wake up soon with the alcohol in his system, I didn’t know whether or not my parents had been woken up by us already. Even if we had, I didn’t want to keep them awake.

However, while I was as silent as I could possibly be, there was somebody who wasn’t as good at it. As I passed the stairs, I heard the front door being clumsily but quietly closed. I stopped and looked down to make sure that it was Ethan and not some intruder. In the darkness, I saw his figure trying to creep around stealthily. He just looked like an idiot to me.

Once he got to the stairs he looked up and saw me. His movements halted completely and he just stared at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Hey.” I gave him a single nod to show that I could, indeed, see him.

“Hey,” he said back but still didn’t move an inch.

I waited for a few seconds, but he still didn’t do anything. “Are you just gonna stand there or are you going to come up?”

It was like he only realised then that he was stationary. I stayed there, feeling like I had to just in case. He started to go upstairs, but he just completely mistepped. I watched and couldn’t do anything but watch him face-plant into the steps.

“Ethan!” I exclaimed as quietly as possible and started to rush down the steps.

But he stopped me from coming down by slowly pushing himself up and giving me a sloppy thumbs up. “No, I’m good. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” I was actually worried, it looked really painful.

“All good,” he brushed it off and started up the stairs again.

The way he was having too much trouble keeping his balance just confirmed that he was drunk as well. I wasn’t sure if he was more drunk than Jack, but he definitely couldn’t play it off as well. It was pretty concerning, but also quite funny. I had never seen Ethan like this before.

He stopped right in front of me and continued to try and play it off, almost slipping down the stairs again when he leaned against the railing. “What’s up?”

“I think I should ask you that,” I laughed as he was swaying quite heavily.

He looked around to see if anybody else was here and then beckoned me to get closer, trying his best to whisper but failing. “I’m pretty drunk.”

“I can tell,” I nodded back, deciding to humor this.

“I–” he brought his fist up to his mouth as he burped. “I had quite a few–”

The poor boy didn’t even get to finish his sentence. He suddenly pushed past me and ran into the bathroom. It was much closer than the bathroom in his bedroom. He couldn’t have made that extra distance. When I entered the bathroom right after him, he was already on his knees, spewing up all the shit he had to drink into the toilet.

I did feel for him. Really. It was his own fault, but it also wasn’t fun to see my baby brother like this. So, out came my skills to take of drunk people again. I had held back Anna’s hair quite a few times back in high school, but she had done the same for me as well, especially when hangovers started becoming worse and turning into a horrible intolerance.

So, I got down beside him, and rubbed his back softly.

“Fu-uck,” he cried into the toilet bowl before he retched yet again.

“It’s okay, just get it out, it will make you feel better,” I promised him. I had been there and done that. The heavy nights that didn’t end in vomiting ended with the worst morning after instead.

“Don’t tell mom,” he begged with tears in his eyes.

“You know I’m going to have to, right?”

“Don’t tell he–” he heaved again.

I didn’t want him to worry about that. Of course I was going to tell her, I couldn’t not tell her. Not only did what was going on right now probably wake her up, it would be better for her to know before she found out herself. With Anna and I, she always found out. We’d sneak in and not make a single sound, and our mom would still know the next morning. Call it mother’s instinct. Especially when we felt bad, she would wake up. That didn’t mean she’d come out at night for us, though. The false sense of having a secret was useful for us to learn a lesson.

In the end, I also helped Ethan get to bed. He didn’t need as much assistance as Jack, but it was definitely useful for me to be there. Especially when he nearly fell over taking his jeans off. As for the bathroom, I was just out in his bedroom while the door was open to make sure he wouldn’t accidentally pass out. I tucked him in just like I did for Jack and even left a bucket beside his bed.

Only then did I get to get ready myself. Although Jack was already asleep, he pulled me closer once I got into bed and I fell asleep in seconds.

The next morning, I was up before Jack, just like usual. On the weekends, I’d now usually just scroll through my phone or watch something on my iPad or laptop until he woke up. Today, however, I decided to get out of bed. It was already later than I’d usually wake up and Jack could be out for ages after a night of drinking.

I put on a pair of sweatpants before I went downstairs. My dad was outside mowing the lawn, or at least I heard the lawnmower and didn’t see him around in the living room. My mom was in the kitchen, where I also found myself. She was sitting at the kitchen island, reading a magazine with a cup of coffee next to her.

“Morning,” I greeted happily.

“Hey, good morning!” She replied, looking up from her reading. “Did you have fun last night?”

I nodded and went over to a cupboard to pull out a mug for myself. “Yeah. I saw Chris again, and he’s no longer mad at me, so that’s good. Other than that I just spent most of my time with Jack.”

“That’s good,” my mom nodded, watching me put my mug underneath the coffee machine and pressing the button. She knew all about my breakup with Chris back when it happened, just like she knew everything else. “Didn’t you want to speak to any of your other old friends?”

I shrugged and leaned against the counter as I waited for my mug to fill. “Lisa dragged me to talk to the girls. But, honestly, it was so boring. They were talking about wine tastings and restaurants to go to. Now, I know that’s adult stuff to talk about, but I don’t drink and live here anymore. I didn’t know what they were talking about.”

“I can understand that.” She nodded and drank some of her own coffee. “Is everybody doing well, though?”

“Yeah!” I grabbed my mug when the machine signalled it was done and put it down on the island across from my mom. “As far as I could tell, at least. Everybody was pretty surprised to hear that Jack and I are engaged.”

“Really? I always thought that you and Jack would have been cute together, even back in high school.”

I just sighed and laughed a bit. There was no way that was true. Jack was one of the only guys both my parents trusted me to have in my room with my door closed all the way. They weren’t strict or anything, but they always wanted it open just ajar. So, they gave privacy, but still kept an eye on me. However, thinking about it again, maybe then wanted something to happen between me and Jack. They did let me close my door after all.

I opened the fridge and pulled out some bacon and eggs. “Anyway, I’m going to make some breakfast for my two hungover boys.”

“Yeah, I heard somebody vomiting last night. Was it Jack?”

I shook my head, knowing I was totally going against what Ethan had asked me to do. But then again, I never promised him I’d keep quiet. I even told him I wouldn’t. “No, Jack doesn’t puke when he’s drunk. Ethan couldn’t keep it down when he came home. I felt pretty bad for him.”

“Oh. He’s never done that before. Was he okay?” My mom frowned and seemed more concerned than mad. It was exactly why I thought telling her was a good idea.

“I think so,” I told her and took out a pan to put on the stove. I turned on the gas and put a drop of oil in it. “I helped him go to bed and I didn’t hear him get up later.”

“I hope he doesn’t feel too bad today.”

“Oh, he will. There’s no way he doesn’t have a hangover. He already felt miserable yesterday.” I put the bacon in the pan to start cooking it.

“Who felt miserable?” Jack came and joined us out of nowhere. He had covered up with a pair of shorts and a plain white t-shirt, and he was wearing his glasses while his hair was completely flat.

“Just Ethan,” I told him, waiting for the bacon to cook. Jack reached over me and pulled out a mug from the cupboard as well. “After you went to sleep, he came home very drunk. How are you feeling?”

“Just tired as usual.” He kissed the top of my head and started making his own cup of coffee. “You know I don’t really get hangovers.”

“Yet I’m still making you breakfast,” I pointed out and flipped the bacon. “I don’t even get how you don’t have hangovers. Especially with the amount you drank last night.”

“I didn’t get that drunk, did I?”

“I mean, tell me the last thing you remember.”

Jack took a few seconds and squinted while taking a sip of his coffee. “I’m not so sure actually.”

“Well, that’s not good at all,” my mom commented, raising an eyebrow at him.

He just awkwardly chuckled back. “I’m sorry…”

My mom just shook her head at him, but it was all in good fun.

“At least I made my way into bed!” Jack thought he had found a point to defend himself with.

I snorted and flipped the bacon again. “I did that. Made sure you brushed your teeth and everything.”

“Oh yeah,” he was suddenly grinning, “I vaguely remember. I didn’t say anything stupid, did I?”

“Stupid? No. But definitely a bit random. Nothing too bad.” It was the truth.

He’s occasionally say the weirdest stuff or confess the most concerning things, but last night hadn’t been bad. Jack and I were talking about starting a family. It was a pretty normal subject for us by now. But it was out of the blue that he asked me to sleep with him right there and then to get pregnant. It was a bit impatient, but we had already discussed that that would come after we got married.

“Okay, I can deal with that.” He nodded in approval.

I pulled out three plates and divided the bacon equally on them. With the leftover bacon grease in the pan, I started cooking the eggs. While I was doing that, my mom asked Jack how the reunion was for him. His answer was just slightly better than mine. Or a bit more that slightly. He actually mentioned specific people, first asking my mom if she recognised the name, and then told her how they were doing.

Once I finished the eggs, I slipped them onto the plates as well. Somehow, Ethan entered the kitchen right at that moment. It was like the smell of bacon and eggs cooking had drawn him downstairs. He looked like he had had a very rough night. Unlike Jack’s, his hair was sticking up weirdly. He hadn’t even bothered to put on clothes and he looked tired and broken.

Jack whistled lowly as Ethan plopped himself onto a barstool at the kitchen island. My mom looked at Ethan with a mixture of disappointment and amusement.

“I don’t think I need to lecture you about drinking, this hangover seems like more than enough,” she told him.

Ethan glared at me through his fingers and accused, “I asked you not to tell her.”

“Buddy,” I shook my head in sympathy, “I didn’t even need to say anything with the way you look right now.”

He groaned in response and hid his head in his hands further. I did feel bad for him. I really did. It was his own fault and I didn’t know what made him go this far, but he was my baby brother. I didn’t want him to go through all the pain of the stupid things we all do. To make him hopefully feel a little better, I grabbed some cutlery and placed the plate in front of him.

“Eat up,” I said and kissed the back of his head.

He just groaned again and pushed me away in annoyance. I couldn’t help but tease him a little bit, could I? Pissing him off, however, wasn’t in my plan for that day. So, I just took my own plate and joined Jack, Ethan, and my mom. At least Ethan was eating and not being too stubborn about that. He didn’t seem as happy about getting cooked breakfast as he usually would, but he was still carefully munching on the bacon.

“How did you get home?” my mom suddenly asked with worry in her voice. “You didn’t drive, did you?!”

“I took an Uber,” Ethan grumbled, clutching his head. “I left my car at Josh’s.”

“Okay, okay, thank god,” she sighed in relief. “I’m going to be heading in that direction later today if you want to tag along and get your car."

“‘Kay,” he nodded but just stared down at his plate.

A while later, Jack had gone up to take a shower, Ethan had gone upstairs to nurse his hangover in bed or something, and I was cleaning up the kitchen after myself. Jack had offered to help me out, but I sent him away since he didn’t smell all too great after a night of drinking. All I had to do was put everything in the dishwasher and wipe the surfaces anyway. After I was done, my mom asked me to go up to Ethan and tell him she was leaving in half an hour.

I went upstairs and knocked on his door, which was already open before I walked in. He was just laying in bed, staring at the wall across the room, facing away from me. Usually, when he was ill, he’d be playing video games, watching something, or looking through his phone. Being hungover was different than being sick, but it wasn’t that drastically different.

“Hey, Eth,” I said when he didn’t acknowledge my knocking, “mom’s leaving in half an hour if you want to pick up your car.”

He hummed back unemotionally. It wasn’t the sound people made when they were busy doing something else, this was like he was in deep thought.

“You okay?” I asked when I sensed something was off.

“Yeah…” he mumbled meekly.

It didn’t sound convincing at all. So, like the meddling sister I was, I entered his room and got in bed next to him. He didn’t move an inch and just kept staring blankly ahead. I softly stroked his hair, trying to get him to turn to me, but he never did.

“You know you can talk to me,” I whispered.

He spoke back softly, and I could swear I heard him sniff. “I did some stupid shit.”

“Everybody goes a bit too far and gets drunk sometimes.” I dropped my hand from his head to his shoulder.

He shook his head but still refused to look at me. “I did stupid shit while drunk.”

“That happens,” I shrugged, hoping I could make him feel less alienated. “I remember, one time, Alex and Jack had a few too many and they could not be convinced that playing The Floor is Lava would be a bad idea. Alex stepped onto a chair and toppled over, slamming into a table. He had quite a few bruises the next day.”

“No.” He shook his head again and finally turned so I could see his face. There were tears in his eyes. “I did proper stupid shit.”

“Tell me,” I whispered and brushed some hair from his forehead.

He hesitated and a few tears escaped, slowly trailing down his cheeks and the side of his face to his ears because of how he was lying. “I– I–”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” He stared at me with pain in his eyes. “I cheated on Lilli.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t say that everything was fine anymore, I couldn’t tell him that it was okay. Cheating wasn’t okay, but luckily he realised that. The only reason I was still here stroking his arm, was because he obviously knew how bad it was.

He started shaking and the tears started falling more frequently, but he was still holding it back. “It wasn’t… it wasn’t s–sex or any– anything like… like that.”

That wasn’t as bad. Still it wasn’t great. I wasn’t exactly sure what else he could mean with cheating, but it was leaving him in so much pain.

“I’m still listening,” I encouraged, not wanting him to shut down now that I stopped telling him that it was all okay.

“I, umm…” he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I– I made out with Josh.”

And then he just completely broke down. He hid his head in my shoulder and started bawling his eyes out. It hurt me to see him like this. Something told me he wasn’t just upset because he cheated on his girlfriend. There was no way he was crying so hard because of one kiss. If I ever found out Jack kissed another person, I would have been upset, but I would have been able to forgive it. Lilli didn’t seem like the girl to freak out over it either. It was still a sucky thing to do, but this was more about the fact that he kissed his best friend.

I just let him cry into me and hugged him tightly. When I looked towards the door, I saw Jack appear, probably just looking for me. Once he noticed what was going on, he gave me a concerned look. I looked back at him. I really didn’t know what to do this time. Usually, I’d have a story for him to relate to and help him through it, but this time I had nothing. I didn’t care if he thought he was into guys. That didn’t matter to me at all. But it seemed like he didn’t even know what he was feeling. He wouldn’t have been crying this hard if it was just a playful kiss that was supposed to be a joke.

I prayed that Jack wouldn’t leave, but I also wouldn’t dare say something. I couldn’t do this one by myself. But getting my parents involved now wasn’t the right thing either. It wasn’t because they wouldn’t be supportive. Despite being religious, they always made clear that we were to love whoever we wanted to love no matter what race or gender. But Ethan had to figure out his feelings for himself first.

Luckily, Jack decided to join us. He sat down carefully on the end of the bed and put his hand on Ethan’s leg supportively. I knew he must have been confused, and I would have told him what had happened. But, honestly, I didn’t know what happened. I didn’t know how deep this went.

When Ethan started to quiet down just the slightest bit, I decided to ask him, “what happened?” I could have just let him cry forever, but that wouldn’t help at all.

“I do-on’t know,” he stuttered through irregular breaths. “It was supposed to be a stupid dare and then it just escalated.”

While Jack still had no idea what this was about, it told me quite a bit. This wasn’t just a random person he started to make out with, who actually happened to be his best friend. No, this started as a small joke but blew up.

“Well, do you think…” I was unsure how to formulate the words. “…you have feelings for him?” Jack looked at me with wide eyes, most likely wondering if he heard me correctly. But, yes, he did.

“No,” Ethan shook his head. “Maybe? I don’t know. He’s my best friend.”

“It’s okay not to know,” Jack took over now that he understood the main gist of the situation. I was glad, because I had no clue what to say. “You don’t have to know, it gets confusing.”

Ethan slowly rolled away from me and let his eyes fall on Jack, like he only just realised that Jack was here as well. He was silent for a second as if staring would give him all the answers. But it never did. “It makes no sense.”

“It also makes no sense that Rachel ever agreed to date me, yet here we are,” Jack used as an example, making me roll my eyes at him.

Ethan sighed in response. “That’s different.”

He was right. It was pretty different. I knew that Jack would know what to say, he just needed some more time with Ethan. So, I decided to remove myself from the conversation. “Do you want me to go with mom to pick up your car?”

“Please.” He nodded.

I could imagine he didn’t want to go back to Josh’s to pick up his car after what had happened that night. “Okay, then you stay here with Jack. I’ll go down and tell mom you’re not feeling well.”

I was hoping to hint to Jack that this was his time to talk to Ethan. He had much better advice than me for this. I had personally never questioned my own sexuality. Or at least, not this deeply. I had had the occasional thought along the lines of ‘what’s it like to be into girls?’, but I never never had the feeling of being into girls. Jack, however... I had known him for ages throughout school, and I knew he was confused, he had confessed that to me before. Only, back then I was an ignorant 13-year-old who didn’t really understand those kind of feelings.

“Where are your keys?” I asked as I got off the bed.

“At Josh’s,” he mumbled.

I told my mom that Ethan was in no state to drive his car because of his hangover. It was bending the truth, but like I said before, it wasn’t my place to tell her what actually went down. This could be a big deal and a life changing moment for Ethan. It was not my place to let other people know. I just hoped that Ethan would figure it out himself sooner or later. Not for me, but for himself.

My mom dropped me off in front of Josh’s house. I went to the front door and rang the doorbell because I needed to get the keys. Josh was the one who answered. He looked pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as Ethan. Like, he only looked like he had a hangover and skipped over the breakdown part completely. Which was probably true.

“Oh, hey, Rachel.” He smiled politely at me.

“Hi,” I replied. “I’m just here to pick up Ethan’s car.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ve got the keys here.” He went behind the door and I heard him pick something up from a wooden table. He returned and held them out for me. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” I let him drop the keys in my hand. “By the way, Ethan told me what happened last night.”

“Oh…” he scratched the back of his head.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m not here because he hates you or anything. He just needs some time to figure things out.”

“Oh, okay, yeah,” he nodded, looking down at the floor. “Do you mind not telling anyone else? I haven’t exactly told anybody about my, you know, sexuality.”

“No, of course I won’t. Only my fiancé and I know right now. We wouldn’t go around talking about it.” I put his worries to rest.

“Thanks. Can you tell Ethan I’m sorry if I made him feel uncomfortable?”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” I promised. Although I felt like Ethan didn’t exactly feel uncomfortable, I also didn’t want to put words in his mouth. “I’ll also make sure he calls you once he wraps his head around everything.”

“Okay, thanks.” Josh gave me another shy smile.

I slowly started retreating towards the car. “Bye, Josh.”

“Bye.”

When I got back home, I went straight up to Ethan’s room again. My mom wasn’t home yet and my dad was making himself some lunch. I greeted him as I passed by, but first wanted to check up on my baby brother. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Ethan was no longer crying. He was actually grinning as he and Jack played video games on his TV.

“Hey, catch!” I tossed the keys in his direction.

Ethan just let the keys hit him in the arm. He was too focused on the game to let go of the remote for one second. Just moments later, the round they were playing ended. I sat down next to Jack and pecked him on his lips as a mini greeting.

“So, everything okay?” I wondered, wanting to know if Jack had said anything influential.

Jack looked at Ethan and Ethan gave a careful nod before telling me what conclusion they had come to. “I’m going to meet Lilli tomorrow to talk. I owe it to her to break up. I need to figure myself out first.”

“Okay.” I didn’t want to say much more. It was obvious that he didn’t want to break it off, but that he felt like it was the right thing to do.

“Yeah… but for now, I’m fucking destroying Jack at Mario Kart, so…” He pressed the button to go onto the next game.

I was just happy that he was okay now. I only had Jack to thank for that. As he played the game along with Ethan, I wrapped my arms around his torso and put my head on his shoulder to watch. There was nothing more I wanted than to spend the rest of my life with that man.