Here I Am, There You Are

I was holding tightly onto Olive’s leash as I was being led through the building. She was what I was clutching onto as a safety blanket. I was nervous being here. Way too nervous for what it actually was. Olive was way too excited. She was sniffing all the walls and trying to pull me along. We were literally trying to do the opposite. She wanted to go further inside, see what was to come, meet people. I wanted to stall as long as possible.

I knew I shouldn’t have been so nervous, but how couldn’t I be?

It had been six months since Jack and I had broken up. I hadn’t heard from him since the day I left LA. He never tried to call me or contact me in anyway. Actually, he had decided to cut all ties with me. I watched as he deleted all the pictures he had with me up on social media. How couldn’t I watch? I kept being tagged and mentioned in things his fans were asking. He even unfollowed me on everything.

I left my pictures with him untouched. I didn’t hate him and he had been a big part of my life that I couldn’t deny. If I ever got in a serious relationship again, I would probably remove them, but I wasn’t at that point in my life. The only reason I unfollowed him was because I thought it was petty that he did it to me. We had been friends for way longer, but he obviously believed all of that disappeared after our break up.

Even other friends unfollowed me. Initially, Alex had checked up on me multiple times. He would shoot me a quick text asking how I was doing. We’d occasionally speak on the phone when things weren’t too great. But I guess Jack was his priority. He checked up on me less and less frequently until it completely died down. Soon after, he also unfollowed me on social media. The only reason I found out was because he often was one of the first people to like my posts, which suddenly stopped.

It was a different kind of betrayal. They had chosen Jack over me. Luckily, I still had Sascha, who quickly became my best friend. There was nobody else to rant to, nobody else to cry with, and nobody else to laugh with.

She had really helped me through the break up. Her initial words when we just met had already changed my view so much. She made sure I didn’t dwell on it for too long. Of course, she knew not to push anything on me, but she made me realise it was okay to get back out there. I didn’t sulk around for months. I let myself go out and meet new people. It didn’t always go great, but it did help a little. There were other people out there even though I used to think Jack and I would be together forever. I just hadn’t found somebody else yet, which was okay. I had only been in Vancouver for six months.

I knew All Time Low was doing a tour in Canada. I still followed Alex, Rian, Zack, and their band account. Their posts still showed up in my feed. I saw their digital poster. The first time I saw it, I was almost terrified. I mean, how couldn’t I be? But then again, it was a bit unreasonable. It wasn’t like running into Jack would be like running into a classic ex. I was still willing to be friends again. This boy had had a crush on me multiple times in his life and always managed to get over it and stay friends with me. There had to be a possibility for it to happen again. Also, the chance of me running into them was very low. Canada was a large country.

That was my reasoning at first. But then I got a text from Alex. He asked me to come to their Vancouver show to hang out. He didn’t mention Jack in his text at all, but it was obvious that Jack would be there. However, I knew that Alex wouldn’t just invite me to their show if Jack wasn’t okay with it. I knew Jack was a wreck when I left, but I had no idea how he had been doing since then. If he was doing just as bad as back then, he wouldn’t even have thought about asking me to come.

So, then I went to a slightly altered reasoning. If Jack was okay with me being there, then he must have been up to being friends again. I really did miss my friends, so I told Alex I would most definitely be there.

And that’s why I was so nervous walking through a hallway with Olive trying to drag me along. Alex was by my side, he had let me in after I sent him a text saying I was outside. He did greet me and everything, but I was too focused on keeping control of Olive to start a conversation with him. Also, I hadn’t spoken to him in five months, it was a bit weird.

“Right in here,” Alex told me as he pointed to the door coming up to the right and jogged to be up front.

I nodded and started recognising the voices that were talking inside the room. It made my heart beat faster knowing that Jack was there just hanging out and talking to his bandmates and crew. I would have loved to take a second a mentally prepare myself again, but Olive wouldn’t let me. She also heard the voices and noticed one she hadn’t heard in quite a while. All that was needed was a harsh tug and the leash flew out of my hands.

I instinctively ran after her. You never know what a dog gets into when it runs away. However, when I entered the room, she wasn’t doing anything bad. She had found Jack and was jumping around his feet, trying to get closer to him. He had already knelt down to give her attention. I actually felt a little bad. Olive didn’t know we had broken up, she would never know and never understand.

“I guess I don’t have to say hi anymore,” I said, actually happy the initial moment of walking in here had been made less stressful. Eyes were on Olive, they all knew I was here because of her.

“Ay, Rachel!” Rian greeted me, turning away from Olive and Jack, who he had been standing with before. “How are you?”

“I’m good, thanks,” I grinned at him and put my bag down. I was more than glad that it was going well so far.

“How’s Vancouver treating you?” he asked next. Jack slowed down the pets he was giving to Olive and started paying attention to the conversation more and more, to the point that he stood back up.

“Pretty well.” I nodded and pulled off my nice and warm orange-toned trench coat, hanging it over my arm. “It’s relatively cold, but I’m learning to deal with it.”

“You look good.” Jack had a soft smile grazing his lips. He had a red solo cup in his hands from which he took a drink when he furrowed his eyebrows at what he said. At least I knew I wasn’t the only one unsure how to act.

“Thanks,” I accepted the compliment. It would be a lot less awkward if I showed that I wasn’t going to overthink everything. Olive left Jack’s side and came back to me. “It’s all Olive’s fault.” As if on cue, Olive pushed her front paws against my upper leg. I scratched her head and pulled out a treat of my jacket’s pocket. “She really missed running around in the garden in the morning, so we go on a run every morning. It made me lose a lot of weight, which wasn’t that great, so I’ve started going to the gym.”

“You hair’s nice too,” Alex pointed out the much more drastic change. Going to the gym made me look much more athletic and healthier, but my hair was a clear visible difference.

It was no longer long and brown. What I had cut to shoulder length before was now a bob, I couldn’t even put it in a ponytail anymore. My hair had also been lightened up, but I wasn’t a blonde. Instead, I now had a dusty rose colour. It wasn’t too pink or pastel. The colour was still very natural. It was more like a dirty blonde with a pink undertone. I couldn’t exactly show up with pink hair to my job, even though I was sure I wouldn’t get fired over it.

“My best friend did it,” I told him to give her the credit. Sascha really deserved it.

“Oh, for some show right?” Zack added.

“Yeah, she’s a hairdresser and got the opportunity to show off her skills at a convention. I got the honour to be her model. How do you know?” I wondered as I finally took Olive’s leash off her collar.

“It’s on your instagram,” he shrugged.

“Huh,” I looked at him with surprise and put down my jacket and the leash, “I didn’t know you still followed me.”

“Of course I do,” he acted like it was a given. “I also know you recently went on a hiking trip in Northern California.”

“I think I’m just going to be talking to you the entire evening,” I laughed and sat next to him. You could always count on Zack not ignoring you and paying a tiny bit more attention.

“Did you go with the same friend who did you hair?” he continued the conversation. Everybody else just listened, obviously understanding the subtle shade I had just thrown in their direction.

“No,” I shook my head, keeping in a chuckle, “she hates hiking. I can rope her into a short hike, but no way she’ll go on a three day trip. No, I went with my…” I took a second to think. Who was this person to me? I wasn’t even sure. “Another friend. And then a couple of their friends.”

I decided to keep the gender to myself. Yes, it was a guy. No, he wasn’t my boyfriend. But, yes, we had been dating. It wasn’t anything serious yet, though. He was a nice guy and everything, he had obviously invited me on a trip with his friends. But he wasn’t my boyfriend. And he knew. I had told him I was unsure if I was ready for a serious relationship so I wouldn’t be leading him on. It didn’t turn him away, though, and we had been sort of seeing each other for a month. The guys here didn’t need to know about that, especially with Jack and I’s breakup still being relatively fresh. But my hesitation didn’t really help me hide it.

“Wait…” Alex stopped me with a hint of what almost seemed like worry. “Are you engaged?!”

“What?” I stared back at him, wondering where he would even get such an idea. But then I noticed the sparkle on my left ring finger. My eyes went wide. “Oh! Oh, no. I got this as a gift from Ethan for my birthday last month. I just got my right hand caught in the car door three days ago and managed to quickly pull the ring off before it started swelling.” I showed my very bruised hand as proof. I had this horrible red-ish purple colour covering the knuckles from my middle finger to my little finger.

“Oh, shit, sorry,” he quickly apologised.

“Jeez. I don’t get into relationships that quickly.”

Jack rolled his eyes at Alex and sat down on the couch adjacent to the one I was sharing with Zack. I wanted to roll my eyes as well. Sure, I got wanting to know. It was a big deal, especially with my ex-boyfriend in the room, but he didn’t have to ask like that. He could have asked about the ring instead of just suddenly butting in with a straightforward question.

“So, what have you guys been up to while I’ve been gone?” I changed the subject before things would become awkward. I desperately didn’t want things to become awkward.

“You know, the usual,” Jack replied first before anybody else could. To me, it almost seemed like he wanted to prove that he was doing fine as well. It could have just as well been a normal vague answer, but that look in his eyes said differently.

“The usual?” I played along, giving him his chance to shine. “What’s the usual?”

He opened his mouth but needed another moment to think. “That is a good question. What is the usual? Pretty deep. I just mean playing shows, writing music. I don’t do too much at home, other than sometimes going out with friends.”

The fact that he didn’t mention anybody else was quite a relief. I thought he’d be taking this chance to tell me about another girl he was seeing or something. But there was no mention. It was quite comforting. But then again, he could have been hiding it just like me. It would have been real strange if he started bragging about a new girl to me. Actually, I didn’t want to mention any guys because I was afraid of hurting him, maybe he was doing the same. We didn’t hate each other, he wouldn’t brag.

I was about to ask if anything interesting had happened when my phone started ringing. While most people would ignore a phone call, I knew to always answer it. Nobody except my family, work, or Sascha called me. So, I pulled out my phone to see it actually was Sascha who was calling. I was a bit worried, knowing she was out by herself.

“Do you guys mind if I answer this?” I asked despite the fact that I was going to answer no matter what they said. I was more excusing myself from the conversation than anything. “My phone’s a bit broken, so it only works on loudspeaker.”

They nodded and I moved myself over to a corner of the room so they could continue doing their own thing. Olive followed me and stopped at my feet, trying to lick my hand that was at my side. I answered the phone as the guys continued their own conversation. I didn’t even get to say hello to Sascha before she started to talk to me.

“Oh my god, that was the worst date I’ve ever been on,” she groaned. I frowned and looked at the time. It was only six in the evening. She went out only just over half an hour ago. This was a new record. “I got out of there as fast as I could. This asshole seemed super nice, but he really did show another side of himself. He could have practically whipped his dick out at the table, he was that sleazy.”

I heard the conversation behind me halt as everybody in the room had heard exactly what he said. I chuckled a bit uncomfortably, she used quite graphic language to describe things. “Umm, Sasch, you know you’re on speaker, right?”

“Of course I do, your phone’s been broken for weeks,” she scoffed and raised her voice as she said, “hi, Rachel’s old friends.” The boys gave her a mumbled and confused hey back. “I’m Rachel’s new best friend. Anyway, as I was saying, I know I was wearing a low cut shirt, but you don’t have to be staring at my boobs the entire time and making disgusting comments. I’m just glad I managed to leave without any trouble. By the way, did you leave Olive at home?”

I took a second to take in her jumble of words and sentences before replying, looking down at the dog nuzzling her face into my leg. “No, I took her with me.”

“Why would you do that?!” she sighed heavily.

“Because you were supposed to be out and I didn’t want to leave her alone the entire day and evening,” I reasoned.

“Ugh, well, I’m claiming her tonight. I should have just come with you!”

“You still could,” Alex said while shrugging, still secretly listening in on my conversation. All the boys were probably still listening in, their interest had piqued when they heard the words ‘Rachel’s new best friend.’

“I appreciate the offer,” Sascha thanked him, making me wonder how she had managed to hear it from where I was standing in the room, “but that would mean getting changed again.”

“You love dressing up, it always cheers you up,” I countered, not hating the idea of her still coming here. She was initially supposed to join me, but then this date got in the way.

“Not today.”

I pouted even though she couldn’t see me. I really did feel bad for her, she was initially so excited to go on this date. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to raid your freezer for ice cream because you ate all of mine last week and I forgot to buy more,” Sascha suggested instead.

“That’s only fair,” I agreed.

“Good, because I’m unlocking your front door right now,” she stated and I could hear her closing a door. “I just don’t understand why I was so dumb to go on that date. I should have known.”

“Hey, don’t worry, we’ve both got a shit taste in men,” I told her casually.

“Oh my god, remember crazy guitar guy?” She gasped loudly, making her voice spread loudly through the room.

Right at the same time I turned around and coincidentally made eye contact with Jack. This could be interpreted the wrong way. Although Jack was a guitarist, he wasn’t the guy Sascha was talking about. I had gone on a date with another guy who also happened to play guitar, only he still had a day job. He was nothing like Jack. I didn’t want him thinking that he was the crazy guy, but I also didn’t want to quickly correct it. If I did that, then it seemed too much like I cared.

All I could think of doing was reply back to Sascha. “I still have that random broken guitar in my living room.”

Sascha laughed for the first time during that conversation, so it was an achievement. She then mocked the guys we were talking about by singing the song he had come by to sing to me one evening. “Rachel, you’re such a bitch, please just show me your tits!”

“Was your date just as bad as that?”

“No, but very close.” She seemed to be cheered up a little bit now. “I’m going to go eat your ice cream and watch Netflix now. Just remember I’m taking Olive from you when your come back.”

We said our goodbyes and I joined the guys again despite the fact that I never really left and they were totally listening the entire time. I went back to my seat next to Zack and once again Olive followed me. Something told me she was going to be doing that a lot.

“So, crazy guitar guy?” Rian raised and eyebrow, asking the question all of them were probably asking themselves.

I shrugged, not thinking it was that big of a deal, but it was a good time to clarify that it wasn’t about Jack. “A coworker tried to set me up with a friend. I didn’t want to originally, but what harm would one date do, right? Well, I didn’t pursue it in the end and he eventually showed up at my place to sing a song calling me a bitch because I wouldn’t sleep with him. It ended with him slamming his guitar on the floor when I rejected him again. People aren’t just crazy in LA.”

“You have to deal with that?” Jack commented with a hint of disgust and concern in his voice.

“Yeah, but I’m used to it by now.”

Over the next few hours before their show started, we were just hanging out. We weren’t just in their dressing room, we moved around backstage a bit. For example, I also got to mingle with their supporting acts and I also caught up with some of the friends I had made that worked as their crew. I wasn’t there to be cooped up in their dressing room the entire time and their show didn’t start until hours after I had arrived.

I was somewhere in one of the other dressing rooms which we all managed to flock to when I realised my phone was about to die. So, I excused myself and went back to All Time Low’s dressing room to get my charger and powerbank. When I entered the room, I saw Jack sitting by himself with his back facing me. His red solo cup was on the table beside him and he was focusing all his attention on his phone. He didn’t even seem to notice me walking in.

I slowly approached and took a quick glance over his shoulder to see what he was doing. Honestly, I was just expecting him to be scrolling through social media or texting somebody, but it wasn’t exactly that. He was on social media, alright, he just wasn’t scrolling. I could recognise the picture he was zooming in on as the picture I posted of my hike with that one guy I was sort of seeing and his friends. After taking a good look, he checked the tagged people and went to look at the guy’s profile.

I felt awkward watching him do this stuff right in front of me without him knowing I was there. So, I acted like I was just walking in and hadn’t seen a thing just yet.

“Hey!” I made my presence known as I walked up to my bag.

Jack jumped in his seat. He had a real fright knowing that I was just behind him. It was so bad he even dropped his phone and quickly scrambled to pick it back up to make sure I wouldn’t see what he was doing. He literally looked like a deer caught in headlights, staring at me and completely frozen.

“Are you okay?” I laughed, trying my best to act like I didn’t know he was stalking my instagram page now he knew about all the things Zack talked about. I grabbed my powerbank and cable and plugged my phone in. “Why are you here all by yourself?”

He relaxed a little, believing that I had no idea what he had been doing before. “Just taking a second to cool down.”

“To me it looks like you’re drinking by yourself,” I joked despite it obviously being the truth, and let myself drop down on the couch next to his chair so that our knees were just inches from touching.

“That as well.” He opened the bottle of whiskey on the table and poured some in his cup before raising it and taking a large gulp.

I looked at him and gave him a faint twitch of a smile. Maybe Jack wasn’t doing that great after all. Sure, he was doing well enough to be in the same room as me without bursting into tears, but he wasn’t doing good either. I had seen him constantly drinking over the course of the evening. He wasn’t going overboard, but he wasn’t exactly smart about it either. He wasn’t excessively drunk, but he wasn’t sober. Seeing me doing ‘okay’ probably didn’t help either. But to be honest, I wasn’t doing as great as I made it seem. It still didn’t feel right going out on a date despite having been on several with different people.

“Where’s Olive?” He suddenly asked after a few seconds of silence, looking around to see if the dog had followed me in again.

“Oh, she’s chilling out at Zack’s side. She seems to really have taken a liking to him,” I told him.

“You seem to have as well,” Jack pointed out.

“I’ve always liked Zack!” I argued back. It wasn’t a sudden thing because he still followed what happened in my life. “He’s a sweetheart. I just hope he’ll find somebody that will love him as much as he loves everybody close to him.”

Jack nodded and scratched the back of his head, downing the rest of his drink and going to pour some more in. The entire room was silent except for the first support act’s muffled playing from stage. I didn’t like it. This silence. We used to be so close. People are always afraid of ruining the friendship, but I never thought about it. I didn’t want that to happen to us, but we were already down that path.

I reached out for the table and grabbed a deck of cards. “Let’s play a card game.”

“A card game?” He raised his eyebrows and sipped on his new drink.

“Yes.” I nodded and started splitting the deck so we each had 20 cards and four small piles in the middle. “We’re playing speed.”

“Our old game from high school.” He grinned in approval. “Okay, I’ve got this.”

And so we started playing the game. If we didn’t have anything to talk about, how else were we going to break the ice? It worked amazingly. We were both very competitive and so played the game many many times. The first time, it was quite silent, but slowly we loosened up. We started laughing and trying to make the other lose. Eventually, accidental hand touches didn’t even matter anymore.

“What’s going on in here?” Alex smiled brightly as he entered the room and saw me and Jack playing the game together.

“Just some card games. Would you like to play something with us?” I asked and accidentally made brief eye contact with Jack, brushing hair out of my face.

“Umm…” he looked between the two of us as if in thought, “you know what, sure.”

I started dealing the cards for another game we could play with more people. It was like old times again. We were all friends just doing fun things again. I was the happiest I had been in a while, especially since Jack was sort of back in my life. I knew I was still in love with him, but I’d take a friendship over nothing.

I watched from side stage as the guys played their concert. It was something I had seen quite often when Jack and I were still together, but it had been quite a while now. They always managed to make it so familiar yet so different. It was so much fun to be able to witness it again. Jack would give occasional glances in my direction and I’d smile back at him. It wasn’t great for my heart, but I didn’t care anymore.

We were in their dressing room after the show. The boys were a mixture of sweaty and freshly showered. I was just in the middle of it all, watching and not paying attention at the same time. They were still getting over the adrenaline while I was there knowing I was going to have to leave soon.

“Hey, Rachel, are you going to join us for a few drinks in town?” Rian asked, a towel around his neck. He was one of the few that had gotten to shower.

“Oh, no I can’t. I’ve got Olive with me,” I told him. As much as I would have loved to join them, I had to say goodbye eventually. Also, drinking wasn’t my thing.

“That’s too bad,” he sighed, but didn’t try to convince me.

Suddenly, Jack seemed to have an important thought. “I have a question,” he announced and put his hand on my leg, “do you have a washing machine?”

“No, I throw out all my clothes after I wear them,” I teased.

“Hey, it’s a serious question,” he said and moved his hand away again, “not everybody has one, especially in an apartment.”

“Of course I have one.”

“Do you mind if I use it?” He daringly asked, seeming afraid of the answer. “I only have, like, one pair of underwear left.”

“Sure, of course, if you have the time for it.” I nodded, not wanting the others to have to deal with Jack smelling horrible.

“We don’t need to be back until four,” he quickly replied, “that’s enough time.”

“Okay.” I nodded and looked at the others. “Do you guys want to do some laundry as well?”

Alex looked like he was about to say yes, but he stopped himself and said the opposite. “Nah, I think I’m fine. If not, I’ll figure something out.”

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind.”

“No, no, I’d rather go out for drinks,” he insisted. The other boys agreed with Alex stupidly. They should have taken this chance to get their laundry done for free. I would have even been able to use Sascha’s machine if there was a lot to do. But no, they really wanted to go out instead.

So, that’s how Jack ended up coming to my apartment alone.

I was once again holding Olive’s leash and Jack was carrying a suitcase full of laundry. Although the car ride had been full of us talking and singing along to songs, walking through my building was done in complete silence. Maybe we didn’t have anything else to say, maybe we didn’t want to be loud at such a late hour. Either way, there was no sound other than our footsteps and the noise of me unlocking my door.

Once we got in, I saw Sascha on my couch. She had a remote in her hand and was turning off the TV.

“Ey,” she greeted us and held up her tub of ice cream, “I only managed to eat half of it before I started feeling sick.”

“That’s a shame,” I said, knowing how I had finished a whole tub by myself last time. But look, I just happened to be on my period that week and going to this show was freaking me out. I had been a mess. Sascha still seemed to be doing okay.

“Alright, let me clean up and grab Olive and I’ll be out your way.” She stood up and went to the kitchen.

“You don’t have to leave.” I watched as she put the rest of the ice cream back in the freezer. I didn’t want her to think she had to leave just because Jack was here.

“I know,” she countered and dropped her spoon in the dishwasher, “but I was really just waiting for you to give Olive. I’m seconds away from falling asleep.”

I accepted her answer and let her take the leash from me. Although we were neighbours and best friends, we didn’t spend every second together. We had the occasional movie marathon and would stay over at each other’s places, but we didn’t sleep over every night. However, whenever Sascha was having a shitty day, I’d let her take Olive for the night. There was something so comforting about sleeping with a dog on your bed.

“Hi, I’m Jack,” Jack introduced himself out of nowhere, probably feeling a little awkward.

“Oh, I know who you are,” Sascha retorted and glared at him before giving him the middle finger and leaving the apartment.

I decided to quickly move on before things got even more awkward and started down the hallway to the bathroom. “The washing machine and dryer are in the guest bathroom. I had nowhere else to put them and I don’t often have guests.”

“Okay.” Jack followed me and glanced around the living room. “This place is nice.”

“Well, obviously it is. They made me move to Vancouver.” I rolled my eyes and flipped the light switch on before pulling two boxes out of a cabinet and putting them on the machine. “Here’s the laundry detergent, white and colours. You do you, just do whatever you usually do. I’m going to change out of these jeans, if you don’t mind.”

“That’s okay, thanks.” Jack put down his suitcase and let me leave the bathroom.

I went to my own bedroom and closed the door. It was strange, Jack being here. Just half a year ago I thought we could have been living here together, but now I was showing him where my washing machine was. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t want it all to be so strange. I wanted things to be normal.

After I had switched out my jeans for sweatpants and washed all my makeup off, I went back to my living room to find Jack already there with no shirt on. He was taking a look at pictures I had hung up. They were mainly pictures with my family, but I also had one with Sascha somewhere in there. Any trace of photos I had with him, whether from high school, our relationship, or in between, wasn’t there.

“Oh, hey,” Jack smiled when he noticed me walk in, taking his eyes off the photos. “I threw the shirt I was wearing in the laundry as well, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, that’s okay,” I excused him. I had seen him shirtless so many times over the course of our lives that I managed to separate it from anything sexual. It was like I didn’t even notice it while I walked up to him. “So, what do you want to do while we wait for your laundry to finish?”

“I dunno,” he mumbled and shrugged before sitting down on the couch Sascha had been sitting on before. “Your friend doesn’t really seem to like me.”

“She doesn’t,” I confirmed and sat next to him, staring at the blank TV.

“What, why? She doesn’t even know me!”

“She’s heard stories,” I turned my head to the left and looked at Jack. Did he really want to get into this?

He did the same to look back at me and realisation spread across his face. “Oh… but our breakup was mutual…”

“Was it, though?” So, yes, we were going to get into it. Maybe it was for the best. It could give us both closure, it might help us move on.

“Yeah, we broke up because you got a job here. Neither of us actually wanted to end things.”

Was I really going to tell Jack what Sascha helped me realise? I didn’t want to hurt him. But then again, I would rather have him hate me for what I said than have him always believe that he did nothing wrong. “Not really. I mean, yes, me getting a job here started it, but it isn’t why we broke up. I get not wanting to move here, it’s a big step. Believe me, I know, I did it. But you didn’t want to even try long distance or anything. You said the only way for us to be together was for me to stay, and that’s a shitty thing to do.”

Jack stared out in front of him, no longer facing me. He stayed quiet. It looked like he was about to burst. Like he was overthinking everything. I was waiting for tears or screaming, but it didn’t come. He just breathed out heavily. “Damn. That is shitty. I didn’t even know that I– Wow.”

“You practically begged me to stay even though you knew I’ve always wanted this job.”

“I am so sorry.” He finally looked back at me again, his eyes starting to water, but tears weren’t threatening to fall yet. “I can’t believe I did that. I was so upset – I still am – and I was being so selfish. Honestly, I am an asshole for that, and I’m not saying that to get sympathy.”

“Yeah, you are,” I agreed. It wasn’t exactly an apology, but at least he knew he was wrong. “You made me feel so guilty. And then you showed up just when I was about to leave. I met Sascha when I was bawling my eyes out as I was moving in. She luckily beat some sense into me.”

He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and rubbed his eyes. “It was my fault all along.”

“Not just yours–” I tried to console him.

“No, Rach, it was,” he interrupted and shook his head. “I have been heart broken the past six months, I haven’t been able to move past it. I let you go, I let go of the one girl I loved with all my heart. Why the fuck did I think that breaking up was better than long distance?”

“I don’t know,” I raised my shoulders, “it’s what I’ve been asking myself since we broke up. I’ve tried to get over you, I really have, but I can’t do that. Hell, I’ve even had one night stands, which I deeply regret.”

Once again, his eyes fell on me. This time, I could see that his eyes were red from tears that would have spilled if he hadn’t rubbed them away. He was smiling just a little and took hold of my hand. “You’re allowed to enjoy sex, you know that, right?”

I stared back at him. I didn’t want him to be so accepting and reassuring. I wanted him to be the asshole he was before, so that our break up was fully justified. That way I knew that I had to stop loving him, that there was no other way. But he was acting so compassionate, realising the things he had done wrong, that it was impossible not to love him.

“They weren’t you, though,” I confessed despite my wishes.

Before I knew it, Jack was inching closer and I wasn’t stopping him. If anything, I was instigating it. I was slowly leaning closer as well. Our lips met and his right hand went to my cheek. I was kissing him once again for the first time in half a year. It felt so right and trusted. No kiss I had shared with anybody since I moved had me feeling the same way. It reminded me of our first kiss, when Jack just went for it. He was drunk and I was vulnerable, but he never did it to hurt me. Back then, I was confused, but now I was afraid.

I pushed him off me and quickly shook my head. “No. No, Jack. I don’t want to have sex. That’s just going to make everything so much more complicated. I’m already hurt enough as it is.”

“Rach…” He kept his hand on my cheek. “I don’t want to just have sex. I’d really like to try this long distance thing if you’re still up for it.”

I was scared. This time, the decision was mine, the fate of our relationship was in my hands. Jack knew what he wanted, and I had to choose. “I don’t know. I don’t want to go through the pain of breaking up again. You said yourself that you didn’t think it would work out.”

“That’s because I was in shock, it was so unreasonable. You can come visit me on tour, just like you used to do, and I’ll come visit you when I’m back home. In between we’ll have texts and phone calls and FaceTime calls. If we’re both one-hundred-percent in this, we can make it work.”

It was so tempting. But could I trust him after he absolutely refused before?

“Okay,” I nodded and let myself kiss him again.

We fell back into a natural rhythm. To make it more comfortable, I swung my right leg over so I was straddling him. Immediately, our kiss deepened. Jack’s hands went down to my hips, and mine traveled up his chest all the way to his shoulders. Him being shirtless was definitely sexual now. It felt amazing being able to touch him again.

Eventually, Jack hands traveled underneath my shirt and he started moving the fabric up. I broke away from him and held my arms up for him to take it off completely. He took a second to look at me and take me in.

“Damn,” he breathed out and trailed his fingers over my side. “What made you wear such sexy underwear?”

I looked down to check what I was wearing and was reminded that I was wearing a sheer baby blue bralette that was decorated with lace flowers. It barely covered anything. “I’ve gotta do my laundry as well.”

“Well, thank god for laundry.”

He went to kiss me again, but I kept my hand on his chest so he just couldn’t reach. “Wait, let’s go to my bedroom. I don’t want Sascha accidentally walking in.”

He nodded in agreement and let me lead him to my bedroom.

A while later, I was climbing off Jack and let myself collapse beside him. Those one night stands really had nothing against him. I was catching my breath and waiting for my heart rate to calm down just a little.

Jack rolled over and pressed a kiss to my shoulder, which was the one place he could easily reach without any effort. “You are literally the best I’ve ever had.”

I snorted and let my fingers run through his hair. “That’s not true.”

“Not the most adventurous, but definitely the best,” he corrected and repeated. “There’s something about love that makes it better.”

He slowly sat up and pulled off the condom before tying it off. I watched him jog to my bathroom and throw it away in the bin. By now, he knew where to get rid of it, this wasn’t our first go. After the first time, we moved his stuff to the dryer and put the next load in the washing machine. After the second, the wet laundry was put in the dryer and the dry stuff was taken out. Now, his laundry was close to being done.

He got back onto the bed next to me and I let myself roll onto my stomach. I was happy. Like, truly happy. Not just okay with life. I had my dream job, I had my best friend, and now I also had Jack.

“I don’t want you to leave,” I sighed and looked at the clock. We still had an hour and a half.

“I would stay if I could,” he whispered back and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips.

“Hmm…” I stared at his Jack Skellington tattoo since I had nowhere else to look. “Can we go somewhere?”

“Go somewhere?”

“Yeah. Like, get in my car and drive somewhere. Just for the last hour until you need to get back. As much as I love being in bed with you, I’d like to do something else.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

A few minutes later, we loaded Jack’s suitcase, two blankets, and a few pillows into my car. Jack had no idea where I was going to take him, but I knew the perfect spot. I drove us out of the city for quite a bit and went up a hill. It was dark outside and nobody else was around. Eventually, we reached a small parking area for the many hikers that would come during the day, and I stopped my car. We put down my back seat, opened up the trunk of the car and let the cover of my sunroof roll away. One blanket was draped over the flattened seat while we used the other to keep us warm.

At first we were sitting up and talking, drinking from the hot chocolate I had brought along in a thermos, but we soon lied down and looked up at the stars through the roof. The extra money I had spent on that larger sunroof back in LA seemed quite unnecessary at first, but I loved it now.

Jack was still looking up when I went to glance at him to see if he was still enjoying himself. His arm was underneath my head and the blanket was covering us both. It felt so peaceful up here.

My eyes fell onto his next and I reached out to touch something I saw. “Oh my god, I gave you a hickey. I did not mean to do that.”

“You did?” Jack laughed in response.

“It’s so visible, I’m so sorry,” I apologize profusely. He wasn’t going to be able to live this one down in a tour bus.

“I honestly don’t care,” he promised as his chest continued to rumble. “Give me another if you’d like.”

“No, I can’t do that!” I gasped, still feeling horrible about the one I accidentally gave.

“I dare you to.”

“Jack!”

“Come on.”

I pushed my lips against his to get him to shut up. Although I felt a little guilty, his insisting made it intriguing. I kissed the corner of his mouth, then his jaw, the spot behind his ear where the first hickey started, and then further down his neck. He let me suck softly, craning his head to the side a little to give me easier access. Just before I got to finish, he swiftly moved to hover over me. He kissed down my neck and pulled down my shirt a little. Once he reached my collarbone, he left behind a trail of kisses mixed in with some sucking.

“Jack,” I giggled and pulled him back up. He pecked my lips and lied back down beside me. It was like we were teenagers.

“Just make sure you don’t wear any low cut shirts to work the next few days,” he told me with a satisfied smirk on his face.

“You’re such an asshole,” I said but couldn’t help but grin.

“At least I didn’t put them in a very visible place. I thought about your work. Mine, however–”

“Oh my god!” I breathed in a sharp breath. “Oh, no. Oh, shit, that one’s huge.”

“What?”

“The second one you just made me give you!” I ran my hand over it, hoping his skin was just flushed, but it was definitely starting to bruise. “You can’t even hide this one with a scarf.”

“So? I don’t care, let everybody know,” he shrugged and tried to calm me down.

“What about photos and interviews?”

“I forgot about that, but I’ll be fine. They’ll just have to get over themselves.”

I was about to apologise again, but my eyes fell on the digital clock on my dashboard. It was five minutes ahead, but that didn’t help what I realised. It was quarter-past-four.

“Shit, Jack, you were supposed to be on the bus ten minutes ago!” I sat up quickly and scrambled to collect the blanket.

“Wait, really?!” Jack shot up as well and helped me clean up as quickly as we could.

Just two minutes later, we were on our way back to where the bus was parked. Once again, I felt bad that night. Jack was known to often be a few minutes late. Now he was going to be over an hour late and it was all my fault. I brought him out. If we had stayed at my apartment, we would have had service and gotten the calls from people, we would have paid more attention to the time, and we would have been so much closer to the venue.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t speeding just a little bit. We did eventually arrive. It was now quarter-to-five, but we were there. I parked my car in the parking lot across from where the bus was parked and ran to the bus with Jack. He was carrying his suitcase in one hand and holding my hand with the other. In no time, he unlocked the door and rushed inside, still pulling me along.

“I’m here!” He announced loudly.

“Sorry he’s late. It’s all my fault,” I told all the guys in the bus so Jack wouldn’t get roasted. He put down his suitcase and let go of my hand.

Alex’s eyes lingered where our fingers had been intertwined. “Something tells me that’s a lie.”

“No,” I told him and tried to fix my hair a little, “I took him to a place where service is a little spotty. We only got notifications of your calls when we were on our way back. Luckily I saw the time, otherwise he’d be here even later.”

“Okay…” his eyes flickered between me and Jack. “Well, we do really have to leave.”

“I know, I’m going before you guys kidnap me.” I started slowly shuffling back to the door to show I really was planning on leaving right then.

“Text when you’re home,” Jack pointed at me.

“I will. And you guys,” I glanced at all of them, “get in touch if you’re ever close by.”

I started my way towards the door properly after they all nodded, but something held me back. Jack grabbed my wrist and pulled me back, kissing me for the last time that night. I happily kissed him back and heard a wolf whistle from one of the others. But before he took his too far, I broke away.

“Behave,” I told him sternly and hopped off the bus.

As I was walking away and the door was still open, I could hear Rian gasp, “Jack! Your neck!”

“Stop it,” Jack whined back, severely having underestimated how easily he could downplay it.

“Jacky’s got a hickey!” Alex started in a sing-song voice.

I rolled my eyes and crossed the road to get back to my car. The whole way back, I couldn’t stop smiling at everything that happened. I was hoping to get out of there reconnected with my friends, but I came back with a boyfriend. Not even the thought of having to tell that one guy I was sort of seeing could bring me down.

As I climbed into bed with my pajamas on, I shot Jack a quick text telling him that I was safe and sound. Not even a second later, I got a phone call from him.

“What’s wrong?” I answered, thinking he maybe forgot something.

“Nothing,” he mumbled sheepishly. “I love you.”

“I love you,” I said back. We hadn’t directly told each other that again that night.

“Okay, well, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Jack.”

“I love you,” he said once again.

“Can you shut up!” A muffled angry voice came from his side.

“You shut up!” Jack snapped back.

“Goodnight, Jack, go to sleep,” I told him one last time.

“Goodnight.”

And the phone call ended.