Here I Am, There You Are

I pulled off my t-shirt and put it down on the pile of clothes Jack had started creating himself. Water was softly rippling around us, rocking the boat back and forth gently. The sun was shining, the weather was great, it was nice and warm out. Hawaii really was an amazing place. Unfortunately, I was only there for a few days and not a full blown holiday. I was just visiting Jack while he was on tour.

Our new arrangement worked amazingly. He’d come and visit me if he was at home for a longer period of time and I tried to visit him on tour whenever I could. Of course, it wasn’t the ideal situation. It would have been so much better if we actually lived in the same place. Although he was on tour quite a lot of the time, it was still different. Then the times he’d stay at home for a week would still be spent together. Now, I wouldn’t see him when he only had that much time. But we were making it work. Long distance was working.

This time, I got to see Jack in the wonderful place that was Hawaii. Although it was at the end of their tour, they were in much further away places before. I could hardly go to Japan for two days. Economically, that wasn’t a smart idea. Hawaii was still reasonable compared to that even though I was only there for three days including the days I was flying. I didn’t have an unlimited amount of vacation days either.

I saw one show and now they had a day off. In a place like sunny Hawaii, they only had one choice for their day off, really. And that was to have a boat day. Especially with a warm day. Technically, anything was a warm day for me compared to the Vancouver summers, but this was a whole different level. It was amazing.

We were already out on the water. There were two boats to hold both the band and some crew members. Of course I was on the one Jack was on. Despite having been broken up for approximately six months, it was like nothing even happened. Everybody here treated it as such as well. The only person who had some trouble with it was Sascha. She only knew the stories of the first half of our relationship, but not what it was actually like. At first, she still didn’t really like Jack, but over time she warmed up to him. They loved to bicker, but it was just as a joke.

It was why she was here as well. Or at least, why the guys were cool with her joining us on their boat day. She didn’t come to Hawaii for the boat day, she was already there to work on a photoshoot as a hairstylist, but she had a day off as well. We were going to fly back home together the next afternoon.

“Will you put sunscreen on my back?” I asked Jack, picking up the bottle of sunscreen on top of our towels next to our clothes.

He took the bottle from my hands and made me turn around before taking his sweet time with applying the cream. My shoulders were covered pretty quickly, but he took way longer doing my back. He put some sunscreen on the tips of his fingers and gingerly put it on the skin. It was almost like he wasn’t trying to spread it out.

“Jack, stop drawing on her back,” Sascha groaned and grabbed the sunscreen bottle from him so she could use some herself.

“Jack!” I yelped and flinched away from him touching me again. “Stop it! I don’t want tan lines in the shape of dicks.”

Jack breathed out one laugh and started spreading out the sunscreen he had put on my back.

“He drew a heart on your back,” Sascha corrected me, putting a thin layer on her own skin so she wouldn’t get a white cast, “like the big fucking sap he is.”

“Hey! I’m making art over here!” Jack shot back and finally took his hands off me again, finally done with what I asked him to do.

Technically, Sascha was right. It was very sappy. But it was also very cute. I didn’t know why he did it, or why he thought it would be necessary. One thing was for sure, it was way better than him drawing dicks on my back to give me weird tan lines. That was something I couldn’t fix. Walking around with a heart wasn’t nearly as bad.

“I’ve got too much sunscreen now,” Jack complained as I turned back around to face him. He was holding out his hands covered in the white substance and scrunched up his nose. Before I could tell him to use it on himself, he was dragging his hands over my arms to deposit it there.

I actually had already put it on my arms before we even got on the boat, but an extra layer wouldn’t hurt. At least I knew I definitely wasn’t going to burn on my back. It was lathered in the cream Jack put on there. Getting a bit of a tan would have been great, but I would rather not get a sunburn.

People were already off in the water, some claiming the jet skis and others going for a swim. All the boys were more than glad to cool down and have fun. Days off like this kept them sane while out busy touring. I knew Jack would occasionally get restless when he was at home for too long, but everybody needed a break as well.

“Are you going to come in the water?” Jack asked me after applying sunscreen on himself as well (he had stolen the sunscreen back from Sascha).

“I think I’m going to stay here for a bit, but I’ll join you later,” I told him.

Everybody was eager to get in at the beginning, but I knew that Sascha would rather not get in. Instead of leaving her by herself, I was going to hang out with her. Maybe later when people started getting back onto the boat, I could get in myself. Although she didn’t know anybody here except for me and Jack, she didn’t have any trouble making new friends. If how quickly we became friends didn’t say anything, then the fact that she was just a likable and extroverted person really helped.

Jack let me stay back on the boat, but was too excited to get in the water himself. Alex was still standing at the end of the boat, looking out over everything. It was where people were jumping off and was also the perfect place to just put your feet in the water while you sat on the edge. Jack let out a battle cry and ran towards Alex. He slung an arm around Alex while he jumped in the water, taking him down with him.

“He’s such an idiot.” Sascha shook her head while I laid down with my head in her lap. “Why the fuck do you like him?”

“I don’t just like him, I love him,” I replied as if that answered everything.

“That just makes it so much worse,” she laughed.

“It just makes me see past all the weirdness,” I added. Actually, I loved everything about Jack. I loved that he could be sweet and loving but that he could also have fun and goof around.

She sighed and looked out at the beautiful water. “Damn, I need to get a boyfriend.”

“You don’t need one,” I countered back. “Don’t ever say that again.”

“Okay, well, it would be nice to have one,” she corrected herself and put on some sunglasses. “Being single used to be better when we both were. Now I don’t even get to slut it up with you.”

“I can still be your wingwoman.” I winked, using my hand to shield my eyes from the sun as I looked up at her. “Also, you always say you don’t want to rush getting into a relationship.”

“I know…”

“You just need to get some dick.”

“It’s been way too long,” she agreed.

“We’ll find you somebody.” I patted her leg a few times. Maybe we could find somebody today. If we were lucky, one of the crew members was feeling frisky or something. Although not very likely, it was definitely a possibility.

We stayed on the boat together for a bit longer, just enjoying the sun. Everybody else continued to hang around in the water. The first people who got out actually went to the other boat, which was close by but not close enough for me to leave Sascha and take a dip myself. However, eventually, people were coming back to our boat as well. Zack and a few of the crew members joined us for a few drinks. That’s when I decided it was okay for me to leave, especially when she easily had a conversation with them.

I slipped into the water, opting not to jump in like Jack did. Although I didn’t mind going underwater, I preferred to not have to. It would just leave me with wet hair for a few hours. The length of my hair wasn’t as short as it had been when the guys came to Canada. Over the past few months, I had been growing it out again and it was now a nice ombre colour, once again by Sascha.

I looked around to see where Jack was only to find him somewhere by himself, which was strange. He had been messing around at an inflatable tube with Alex and their sound guy just shortly before. I mean, I didn’t blame him. I’d also get fed up with constantly being pushed and accidentally breathing in water.

Assuming he wouldn’t mind me joining him on his little break, I swam up behind him only to greet him with, “boo!”

He yelped and spun around as quickly as he could in the water. “Fuck, you scared me!”

“You’re the one being a loner,” I teased as he wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me closer.

“I was just peeing and decided not to do that around everybody else,” he shot back, bringing me even closer.

I scrunched up my nose, regretting coming over now. “Really? And you’re hugging me now?”

“I’m done now,” he sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. With those words, I dared to wrap my legs around his waist in return. “Besides, I’ve peed before while we were in the shower together and you didn’t care!”

“It never touched me then,” I retorted, now also circling my arms around his neck.

“That’s a very insignificant factor.”

“Not in my book.”

After a few seconds of silence and just drifting around, Jack changed the subject. It was pretty quiet where we were, all the others far behind me. This was our own personal moment.

“I miss having you around all the time,” he breathed out, sounding very sad. “Or at least when I’m at home.”

“I know.” I pouted back. This conversation always came up at least once when we were together, whether it be done by me or Jack. “I miss you too when we’re apart.”

Instead of saying something back, he opted to kiss me. There wasn’t much more he could say anyway. Things were as they were, and we couldn’t change that. Despite being quite a way away from the others, the kiss was still kept very short and PG-13. It was more like a ‘I’m-upset-but-I’m-okay’ kiss.

“You can always move to Vancouver,” I suggested jokingly.

He shrugged. “I might just have to.”

Well, that was a new development. It was strange to think that this was what we originally broke up over. At first, the fact that he wanted to try long distance was a pleasant surprise. Then actually doing it was another. The few months that we were back together again, Jack still insisted he didn’t want to leave LA. But now he was actually considering it. Granted, it didn’t mean it was going to happen, but the idea had swirled around in his head.

“Or I will have to move back to LA,” I added now that he was being serious. I didn’t want him to think that the only option was for him to drop everything and move.

He raised his shoulders again. “We’ll have to see.”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

Part of me just wanted to figure it out now. I wanted to be able to spend more time with him, to be there whenever he was home. Back when I was still in LA and before our break up, we had talked about moving in together. But it was different now, though. I didn’t know what would have happened if we had broken up and gotten back together in LA. Maybe we would have been living together, or maybe we wouldn’t have felt the need to do so yet. Doing long distance made everything more difficult. So, I understood not wanting to discuss this right now.

We stayed there for a few more minutes, just the two of us. Although we continued to talk to each other, the conversation from before had ended completely. We wanted to be together, but actually doing it was going to take some good thought.

While the next part of our conversation ended, I could feel Jack’s hands slowly leave my waist and travel down. They eventually rested on my ass. At first, it wasn’t too bad. He actually kept me up a little better like that. However, it didn’t stay as innocent and helpful as that. Unexpectedly, Jack squeezed. It was only for a brief second, but it was definitely hard enough for me to notice significantly.

I shrieked and kicked my legs so I could get away from him. Instead of swimming away though, I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him down. His head went underwater from it and I quickly started swimming away so he couldn’t do the same to me. Once I would get back on the boat, I would be completely safe from whatever Jack could do as revenge.

As I was trying to get away, I felt something wrap around my ankle and pull down. I could barely hold in my breath before I was completely surrounded by water. My hair was all over the place, covering my eyes and stopping me from even trying to see what was happening. It was like everything slowed down as I was underwater. Eventually, after what felt like ages but probably wasn’t, my ankle was let go.

I resurfaced and coughed loudly, having breathed in just the tiniest bit of water. There, I saw Jack right next to me with an amused grin on his face. My mouth gaped open. “Fuck you!”

He started laughing, making me glare at him. When he didn’t stop, I pounced. I pushed him again, only this time he dragged me down with him. It was a battle. Once we came back above water, I tried my best splashing him, but he had more power and drenched me with his splashes. In return, I climbed onto his back so I could still attack but he couldn’t get me back.

“Guys, stop having sex in the water!” Rian shouted from the boat, watching us.

“He wishes!” I yelled back while Jack found out he could lean back to dunk me.

“That’s where fishies do it, not people,” Alex contributed from the inflatable tube he and Jack had been fighting over before, laughing at his own joke.

I rolled my eyes and let go of Jack. Although it was fun for a bit, I was now done with being constantly splashed and pushed under the water. I had swallowed more than enough salt water, and was in need of a drink to rehydrate myself.

Jack followed me onto the boat and handed me a towel as he put his own around his shoulders. By now, many people that had taken a break while I was in the water, had found their way back in it. Sascha, however, was still hanging out with Zack. They were just talking, really. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I grabbed a bottle of water for myself and a beer for Jack and sat down next to him. He was sitting at the end of the cushioned bench that ran along the side of the inside of the boat. Sascha was opposite of him while Zack went to check his phone that had been buzzing just a few cushions over.

It was only a few minutes until I started getting really cold and my body started shaking. My wet hair only made it worse. If I had been dry, then the sun would have warmed me up, but now the wind was only making me colder. I really did try to get it under control. Sometimes just stopping with shivering would make me less cold, but I literally couldn’t stop.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked after a while.

I nodded and wrapped my towel tighter around myself. “Just cold.”

“Come here.” He beckoned me over and let me sit in his lap before wrapping his arms around me.

It helped a little bit. His body warmth did heat me up a little, but just not enough. I was still shivering, trying to suppress it, and my teeth were chattering quietly. Of course, I hoped it would die down over time as I got warmer. But that wasn’t the case. I stayed cold.

“Put on my hoodie,” Jack suggested next, almost directing me to do it.

I shook my head even though he was already leaning over to grab it from beside us, my body being squished a little by the movement. “No, I’ll get it wet.”

“I don’t care,” he shrugged and finally managed to take hold of it and drag it towards himself.

“But it will keep me cold,” I told him as I finally got to to sit properly again.

“Just take off your top,” Sascha suggested, knowing that that would be the main reason why I would get the hoodie wet. The top part of a bikini always took ages to dry.

She had a very good point. So, I shifted a little in Jack’s lap to let myself sit up a bit more and instructed Jack, “okay, just cover me, will you?”

Jack gave a single nod, but didn’t do what I assumed he would. I was just thinking of holding a towel in front of me, but he had a whole other plan. He slipped his hands under my bikini top and cupped my breasts. I just sat there, a bit confused. Technically he was covering me.

“Oh ho ho, what in the world in going on here?!” Alex wondered with amusement in his tone, dripping water all over the floor from just coming out of the water.

“She’s getting changed,” Jack answered for me before I could even try to get a word in. “I’m making sure nobody sees her boobs.”

Alex just laughed and I shook my head softly. Jack really was an idiot sometimes, Sascha was completely right about that. But, just like I said, I loved him. So, I just dealt with it and reached back to untie the back of the red top I was wearing. I let it drop and put it to the side, Jack’s hands still covering me like it was his life goal, and started pulling on the hoodie that I realised was actually All Time Low merch. Leave it up to Jack to wear his own merch, especially new stuff.

“Okay, you can move your hands now,” I said to Jack now that the hoodie was on. It was over his arms, so it wasn’t properly covering my stomach yet, but everything else definitely was.

“I don’t wanna,” he whined with a pout and pulled me back so I was leaning against his chest.

I looked at him, still shivering a bit. “I just really want to warm up.”

“Oh, shit, your lips are turning blue,” he pointed out in shock. That was all he needed to quickly drop his hands, take hold of the towel he had around his shoulders, and wrap it around the both of us so he was hugging me at the same time.

I snuggled further into his chest and put my head on his shoulder while wrapping my arms around his torso. Slowly but surely, I warmed back up. The teeth chattering stopped first, then the shivering died down. That didn’t mean I moved away from Jack, though. I was way too comfortable for that.

“Do you guys also want another drink?” Sascha asked as she got up to go to the coolbox.

Jack held up his own beer to show that he still had something and I just shook my head. So, she just went to get something for herself. However, before she could bend forward and grab something, Zack had picked her up and was running towards the water. She screamed at him to put her down, that she didn’t want to get her hair wet, but he didn’t listen. He jumped in while still carrying her. Somehow, though, he managed to keep her up so her hair did indeed not get wet while he was completely submerged in the water. It was pretty impressive.

I chuckled as I watched them and suddenly a plan started to form in my head. I looked up at Jack and tried to get his attention, “hey.”

“Hmm?” He looked back down at me.

“Do you want to be a good wingman?” I proposed.

He raised an eyebrow. “You want me to pimp you out?”

“No, not my wingman,” I scoffed and glanced back in Zack’s direction. “I mean Zack’s.”

“Zack’s?”

“Yeah, it looks like Sascha and Zack are hitting it off,” I explained. “Why don’t you go find out if he would like to hook up, and I’ll check with Sascha. Like, I know they won’t even dare to try anything without a push because they think it would be weird because they’re both my friends.”

“You want your best friend to date one of your friends? Isn’t it a little bit weird?” Jack agreed with the hypothetical view I suggested. “What if they end up breaking up?”

“We broke up and that ended up being fine,” I snorted. Did he really forget about the break that lasted six months?

“That’s different. We got back together and are meant to be together. We’re not going to break up again,” he said with so much confidence. It put a smile to my face.

But I didn’t want this turning into a conversation about our love. This was about Sascha and Zack. “Also, that’s not what I meant! I meant hooking up, not a full blown relationship. You’re staying at a hotel, this is Zack’s home. Why not? You know you’re going to be getting lucky tonight, why not wish the same for your best friend?”

He cocked his head in response, probably trying his best to hold back a comment about the fact that I stated we were going to have sex later. At least he was trying to keep the conversation on track now. “It’s that even worse? They’re bound to be in the same room again. That will be awkward.”

“It doesn’t have to,” I countered.

“Well things were fucking awkard between us when we hooked up at Alex’s wedding.”

“But that was because we didn’t know each other’s intentions. If they know each other’s intentions, it will be fine. Trust me, Sascha is always very clear about what she wants, she hates unnecessary drama.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“You and Anna are fine. You guys can get along just fine without it getting awkward.” I hated bringing it up, but I had to prove my point.

The only reason I didn’t like talking about it as freely anymore as I used to was because Sascha had found out about it when Jack and I were broken up and she used it to her advantage to talk him down and make me feel better. My thoughts had changed a little about the whole affair since then, but I had been completely open about it with Jack and he knew. It didn’t change anything in our relationship. I still trusted him completely. I just didn’t need the mental image of his penis inside of her.

“But that was years ago! And she’s married and I’m in love with you,” he continued to try to prove me wrong.

“Okay. What about me and Alex then?” I started pulling out the deep cuts.

“That’s completely different. You guys dated for like a week or so. Maybe two, I don’t know. It’s not like you guys slept with each other.” He used a very matter-of-fact tone. But when I didn’t reply within a few seconds, his eyes widened. “Right?”

I opened my mouth, but saying ‘no’ would have been a lie.

“Rache!” he gasped and pushed himself up, forcing me off his lap.

“I mean… I don’t– What would you even consider sex?” I stammered, wishing I had never even brought up the fact that Alex and I dated for a brief second in high school. Part of me also expected Jack to know. Those boys shared everything back then.

“I don’t know. Penis in a fucking vagina?”

“Okay,” I nodded and shrugged, “then no.”

“What did you guys do?” He shrieked, but not loud enough for Alex, who was sitting at the end of the boat with his feet in the water, to notice.

“I gave him my first blowjob…” I mumbled and scratched my head, really just trying to hide the answer. Just because we only dated for a week didn’t mean that I hadn’t been attracted to him. There obviously had been some feelings to start that week. I just didn’t feel that way anymore in the end.

Jack shivered and shot up from his seat. He pulled a disgusting face, seemingly in a slight panic. “Your mouths been– My mouth… yours–”

“Oh, fuck off,” I breathed out loudly in annoyance and nudged him with my foot. “You don’t get to be mad about this.”

“Why did I never know about this?!”

“I thought you knew.” I was fully set on defending myself. “You don’t get to turn this into a fight. You fucked my sister on multiple occasions and that was more than just a mouth on your dick. If I could move past that, then you can move past this.”

His face softened and he took a second to think. “Okay, no, you’re right. And I’m not just saying that because I’ve done worse. I’m saying it because it was years ago and it isn’t that big of a deal now.”

“Good,” I gave him a courteous nod. I was glad he wasn’t just saying it was okay because I had managed to get past him and Anna even though I used it as an argument. Just because I could do it, didn’t mean that he had to be able to do it. Sure, it would have been a little unfair, but we were still our own people with our own opinions and ways of dealing with things.

“I am going to get annoyed at Alex for a bit though, because I feel like I have to,” he said and jerked a thumb into the direction of Alex.

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to. And then I’ll go over to Zack and be that wingman.”

“I love you,” I gushed and reached my arms out for him.

“I love you,” he returned and bent over to press a chaste kiss to my lips.

Right after, he bounced off to where Alex was. Instead of just talking to him, Jack let out a yell and pushed Alex in by pressing his foot against his back, almost like he was kicking him in. Alex fell in, sunglasses and all, with a loud splash. He started complaining, but was only left more confused when Jack said that it was for ‘fucking his girlfriend’. It probably confused the shit out of everybody.

Our relationship wasn’t this seemingly perfect thing where we never fought. We did have fights. They ranged from me not loading Jack’s dishwasher the way he liked when I was in LA to Jack not texting me back for hours because he went out with others for drinks after a show. The only problem with the whole long distance thing in this situation was that it was so easy to avoid making up. All you had to do was ignore your phone. But we made it through every single one of them so far.

Eventually, Sascha decided to come join me back on the boat. I saw that Jack had gone over the Zack, so now was my time to see what Sascha thought. Even if one of them was feeling it and the other wasn’t, then we’d at least clear that up. But if this did work out, then I was happy for Sascha, and also for Zack, of course.

Sascha wrapped a towel around herself and sat down next to me. I wanted to ask her immediately, but knew I was going to have to take a more subtle approach. Although she always stood by her opinion, I didn’t want to think I was accusing her of anything.

“So…” I started, using a tone that hinted that I was going to ask a personal question. “Have you found anybody you’d want to sleep with yet?”

“Hmm, not really. I haven’t really thought about it,” she replied with the vaguest answer. It wasn’t a yes or no.

“What about Zack?” I decided to just go for the more straightforward path. Not force her into it, but act like I thought it could possibly be a good idea.

“Zack? I don’t know… I mean… Maybe?” She looked over at him to take him in again. “Usually I don’t really go for very muscular guys. But he’s not bad.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I assured her. “You guys just seemed to really hit it off.”

“No, he’s cute,” she quickly backtracked. Maybe she was trying to play it cool. “And he seems very nice. I don’t think I’ll have a ‘you’re a bitch, show me your tits’ situation.”

“He is nice.”

“But he is your friend, and I don’t want to ruin that.”

“I don’t mind. As long as you’re clear about what you want. Like, tell him you’re just DTF. Or if it turns into something more that’s cool too. Just make sure you both want the same thing, otherwise Jack and I will be in the middle of it all.”

“No, of course.”

“So, Zack?” I asked once again so I could get a definite yes or no.

“If he’s up for it, then I’m down,” she said, which I translated to a yes.

I looked over to Jack to see that they were both already coming over here. He gave me a thumbs up, which was just a super dorky thing to do. I told Sascha I thought that Zack was also going to be up for it but kept it a secret that Jack was helping me set this in motion.

Later that day, in the evening, we had all gone out to a bar for dinner and drinks. Well, I was just there for food, but I was one of the last people to leave despite not drinking any alcohol. Over time, people had slowly left the group to go back to the hotel to get some sleep, until it was just me, Jack, Zack and Sascha. Jack was enjoying his drinks so much that he got to the point that he started documenting it all on Instagram. He had the tendency to take the weirdest videos for his story when drunk. You could think that I would be annoyed always being filmed since I was sober, but honestly I just got hyped up from Jack enjoying himself so much. It was like a secondhand drunk.

Speaking of Instagram, the internet was confused when Jack started sharing photos of us together again. There weren’t many photos on his feed just because we weren’t around each other a lot, but he found a new love of posting screenshots of facetime calls to his story. It was his way of showing all his fans that he had a girlfriend again. That fanbase was very confused. My instagram was public, so they could see I still lived in Vancouver. But Jack still lived in LA. Their minds couldn’t comprehend it until the idea of a long distance relationship got out there.

I was just glad I never deleted the photos of me and Jack when we broke up, now I still had all of our memories together. Jack, however, wasn’t as lucky. Sometimes I’d send him a cute one I found when we were apart. It always made him happy.

I was sitting with Jack in the booth, my hand on his upper leg as he was trying to tell a story loudly. Sascha and Zack were sitting very closely to each other as well. Things were definitely going to end up well for them. They were very flirty with each other. It was obvious the alcohol was giving them more confidence. Out on the water, they were still very cautious around me. Now, however, they were practically eye fucking each other in front of me.

But it was getting late and I had the feeling that none of us were going to leave. Sascha and Zack probably didn’t want to leave before us out of fear that it would be too clear that they were going to go back together. And because of that, they continued talking to us, but that kept us here as well. I still wanted my fun with Jack as well.

I kept my hand on his leg, travelling a bit inward as I leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Can we leave?”

He nodded, but pointed at his almost full beer glass. “Just let me finish my drink.”

Something told me that him finishing that wouldn’t really end well. “But we won’t see each other for another month…”

He stopped for a second. “Hmm, alright.” He then raised his voice to a normal level and told Zack and Sascha, “we’re going to go. When I pass out, I’d like it to be in a bed.”

“Okay,” Zack nodded, looking a little mischievous.

Jack started scooting out of the booth and held my hand to drag me along. I barely even got to say my own goodbyes, I only got to tell Sascha one last thing, “I’ll see you tomorrow, call me if you need anything.”

And then I was pulled all the way back to our hotel that was just a block away.