Doing Better

He barged into my house a little bit after seven. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his jacket as he ran across the room towards me. He pulled me into an aggressive hug, squeezing me tightly as he sobbed. He ran his fingers through my hair as he cried. His broken shook violently as I held him close. I rested my head against his chest, holding in tears myself. It had been so long since I'd felt him against me. Felt his heartbeat and his warm skin.

“It's okay.” I whimpered. “I'm here.”

He cried and cried for what felt like hours. He couldn't stop. I honestly thought at one point he was going to pass out due to the fact he was gripping me so hard. At one point I convinced him to move to the couch where we sat in silence. At one point he adjusted himself, he rested his head against my thigh and laid there motionless. I rubbed his shoulder at an attempt to calm him down, which eventually worked. He was exhausted, that much I could tell, but something else about him was just off.

“Do you want to talk?”

He let out a long sigh. He head was facing the television so I couldn't see his expression. I'm sure that was what he wanted. Being so vulnerable around me was probably embarrassing for him.

“I want to apologize for how I treated you.” He cleared his throat. “I wasn't honest with you and I'm sorry.”

“How so?”

He rolled over to face me. He closed his eyes as he breathed deeply a few times. I could tell he was anxious. “I didn't want anything to happen between us, but I also didn't want to lose you entirely.” He opened his eyes. They looked sad. “I wasn't ready for a relationship and I knew you were and I thought maybe if I kept you around that one day my brain would just develop feelings for you when the time was right.”

I nodded.

“But it never happened and we were already so far deep in that whole mess that I just kept pushing myself to try and make something happen out of nothing. I know it probably didn't seem that way, but after a while,” he swallowed, “I just sort of shut down.”

“Yeah.”

“I became a person I never want to experience again.” He eyes watered as he bit his bottom lip. “I started drinking a lot more and just fucking up life along with Alex's and yours. I put you guys through so much bullshit.” Tears fell down his face as he closed his eyes.

My first instinct was to hold him, so I did. I pulled him upwards and pressed him against my chest, enveloping him in all the love I could possibly offer him. He needed me and I wasn't there for him. I felt like absolute shit. After all this time he was just crying out for help and I wouldn't listen. I wouldn't dare fucking listen, because I was afraid of him hurting me, even though he was just hurting himself.

We hugged for a couple more minutes before he wiped his face and sat up. He grabbed my hand tightly and tried to smile. I could tell it was fake though, there was no way he was happy enough. “It sucks, you know?”

“What sucks?”

“How you're gone now.”

I raised my brow, but remained silent.

“You and what's his name.”

“Landon?”

“Is that his name?” I could hear the anger in his voice. Since day one he hated Landon. For obvious reasons. I didn't expect anything less, but a sliver of me wished either of them would give the other a chance. Deep down, I knew it would never happen though. They were too protective.

“Listen,” I sighed, “Landon is a good guy, but I know you don't care. You don't have to like him, but just because you need me right now doesn't 'mean I'm going to ignore his needs too. He's my boyfriend and he means the world to me. Just like you do.”

“Do you love him?”

I did. I loved him so much. Everything about him was everything I ever wanted, but I wasn't about to tell Jack that. “Yes.” I replied.

I could see the anger return to sadness. He stared at the floor for a long time before finally looking back up at me. He stared at me for a while. I returned his gaze, feeling slightly uncomfortable. I wondered what he was thinking about.

“It just sucks.” He mumbled.

“I know.”

“No, I mean-” he cut himself off with a groan. “-never mind. I should probably go.” He stood up to leave, but I gripped his hand tightly. Part of me didn't want him to leave yet. I wanted to sit with him longer.

“You didn't have any pizza.”

“I'm not hungry.” He wiggled his hand out of my own and made his way towards the door without another word. He glanced back at me and waved slightly before disappearing into the hallway.

I sighed deeply as I made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed a slice of pizza and grabbed my phone out of my pocket. I pulled up Lisa's contact info and shot her a text, explaining what had just happened in full detail. I needed to talk to someone about it, but I wasn't quite ready to let Landon know. I knew he'd just get angry about the whole thing.

Oh my god. Was the response I got. I laughed.

Yeah, so... that happened I guess.

Are you guys talking again?

I don't know. He kind of stormed out after Landon was brought up.

I mean, fair enough. He's probably jealous.

Why though? It's not like he's in love with me or anything. He treated me like shit and walked away. Simple as that.

You never know. Maybe he figured his shit out, but he's too late so he's pissed off about it.

Well, like you said he's too late.

I wanted Lisa's assumption to be wrong. Having Jack develop feelings for me was too dangerous. He was all about emotions, they were what drove him to do all the crazy things in his life. It was like his heart was driving his body; his brain merely there along for the ride, sitting in the passenger seat. Sometimes it was a good thing, but most of the time that wasn't the case. I had heard a couple of stories from both him and Alex about situations he'd end up in, because he refused to think things through before doing them. Every new story worst than the last.

My phone buzzed in my hand. Is it though?

I swallowed hard.