Doing Better

The second I got home from Seattle I felt depressed. The weekend itself was amazing and consisted of lots of sex, food, and sleep, which was definitely something I needed. I was becoming worn out from the constant attention I was giving Landon that it was nice break to have. Once home though, I knew the stress would arise once again. I'd be pulled back to reality where work consumed most of my life, while Landon took the rest.

I got home at around four in the afternoon on Monday. I begged Jack to stay another night, but apparently he had a business meeting in Los Angeles that day. As much as I wanted him for just a little longer, I knew I couldn't compete with work. He was heavily involved in various business ventures alongside being in a band. He was working on a clothing line as well as thinking about purchasing a bar. Apparently playing music wasn't enough for him. He wanted to do more, which was something I could definitely respect.

We parted ways this morning. It was sad, but I knew it was for the best. If I stayed away from home too long who knows if I'd ever go back. Sometimes I wished I could just run away. Pack up my shit and just never call anyone again. Lately, the idea was growing more and more fondly in my mind. Work had become an absolute nightmare lately. Our boss was stepping down and instead of just choosing someone to be her successor she'd basically made it into some sort of competition. Half of me wanted to take over. I knew I was fully capable. The amount of drama involved however, was not enough to pull me in. People all over the office were in a tizzy, throwing each other under the bus the second they got a chance. It was fucking stupid.

Landon was also making things difficult. He was constantly at my house. Without a job of his own yet, he felt like he needed to be spending all his time with me. I could tell he was bored, but something about his unemployment made me uneasy. Sometimes it didn't feel like he was making enough effort. Every time I would leave for work I'd come home to him doing the exact same thing, like he'd never bothered to do anything at all. I never brought it up, despite wanting to.

He was laying in my bed on his phone when I arrived. He jumped up and ran to the door, pulling me close and showering me in kisses. I grumpily accepted them, feeling obligated. I wasn't really in the mood to deal with him right now.

“I missed you.” He said excitedly. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah.” I yawned.

“Did you get your interviews?”

I swallowed hard. This whole time I kind of forgot I had to lie about Jack. Normally when I left I had time to make up this huge story, but this time around I didn't have anything. I nodded my head and brushed past him. I threw my bag on the floor and flopped into bed tiredly. I just wanted to be alone.

He laid down next to me, grabbing my hip with his hand. I could tell he wanted to have sex. Whenever I left we always had it the second I came home. This time around though, I didn't want to. I closed my eyes and rolled over, hoping he'd get the message.

“You okay?”

I bit my lip. He knew something was off. “I don't feel too good.” I lied. I glanced back at him, shooting him a tired smile. “Do you mind if I just stay here alone tonight? This weekend was a lot.”

Landon raised his brow. “What happened?”

I sighed, trying to conjure up some bullshit. “I had to kiss a lot of ass this weekend.” I rolled my eyes. “Some people I have to interact with are just a lot and I could use some alone time to recoup before I have to work tomorrow.”

Landon nodded.

“You mind?”

“Oh no.” He leaned over and pecked me on the lips as he flashed me a somber smile. “I'll call you tomorrow after work and see how you are, okay?”

“Okay.”

He gave me a tight squeezed hug before leaving my apartment. Once he was gone I could feel my eyes sting. Something about being with him wasn't worth it anymore. In the beginning, things were amazing. I thought he was the perfect guy, the one for me, but now I wasn't so sure. With Jack around, I felt different about him. Like he wasn't good enough anymore. Maybe he still was and I'd just changed, either way, I wasn't sure I could do it anymore. He was nice, that was true, but that didn't make up for all the other stuff.

I was probably going to have to break up with him.

I grabbed my phone and called Lisa. I knew she was in Europe and the time differences were probably all weird, but I needed to talk to her. Even just for a second. The phone rang a couple of times before she finally answered. “Hello?” She yawned.

“Hey, I'm sorry if I woke you up or if you're busy.” I sniffed. “I just need someone to talk to.”

“You okay?”

“I don't know.”

“What's up?”

“I think I need to dump Landon.” I replied. “He's just... I don't know. Something between us is just different.”

“Okay.”

“I mean, like, he's still nice and stuff, but I keep noticing all these things he does and doesn't do that really piss me off for some reason. And like, he quit his job and it's been like two weeks and he hasn't even made the effort to find a new one and he's always here and I need time to myself, but like he doesn't give me any, and I'm seeing J-” I cut myself off. Fuck, I almost told her.

“You what?”

“I, uh, I'm seeing j-just the weirdest stuff in our relationship, like I'm noticing all the flaws.” I corrected myself quickly.

“Like what?”

I racked through my brain for an answer. There were so many things I had developed a dislike for when it came to Landon. His lack of motivation, his neediness, his ability to guilt trip me over the smallest things. The more I thought about it the more things started surfacing. Was I even happy at this point? I rambled to Lisa about everything as it passed through my head. She listened silently, making the occasional remark to prove she was paying attention. Not that I doubted her for a second. She was one of the most patient people I'd ever met. She was good at being attentive and helpful, which was one of the main things I loved about her.

“Well, Landon's a great guy, but if you feel like things aren't right you should just stick with your gut. I support you.”

“Thanks.” I sighed. “I just don't want to hurt his feelings, you know?”

“You guys have been together for a while now.” She was right. We were nearly at the two year mark, which was a big step for me. It was the longest relationship since my first boyfriend back in high school. His name was Adam. We dated for nearly four years. The only reason we broke up was because we were going to different universities and wanted to see other people. It was actually a pretty nice breakup. No one had hurt feelings. We hadn't talked to each other since.

“I guess so, yeah.”

“Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, like I said, I support you. I just don't want you rushing into this and realizing you've made a mistake or something.”

“I'm going to sit on it for a couple of days. Think it through before I do anything.” I replied. I figured giving Landon a couple more days to try and work through his issues was probably a good idea. Maybe at one point I'd mention the job thing. I didn't want to push it though.

“Okay. Keep me posted.”

“I will.” I was about to let her go when I realized I hadn't even asked her about her trip. “How's Europe?”

“Oh, my god, it's amazing!” Lisa squealed. She explained the trip in full detail. They'd only been there for a couple of days, but in the short amount of time they'd been there they'd already done so much. At the moment they were in Paris drinking loads of wine. To say I was jealous was an understatement.

“I'm happy for you. You guys deserve a nice getaway.” I smiled. I really was happy. The amount of times they'd struggled with their long distance relationship was enough to make most people quit. They stuck with it though and they were happy. I was almost proud of them in some way. I don't know.

We chatted for a couple more minutes before Alex apparently woke up and told her to come back to bed, obviously she complied and the two of us hung up. After that, I turned off my phone and rolled over. I was exhausted.