Doing Better

I ran into Lisa's arms excitedly, throwing my own around her tightly. We squeezed each other so hard neither of us could breathe. It had been so long since I'd seen her in the flesh that I almost forgot what she looked like. Over the last few months she'd been doing a lot of traveling with Alex and the guys. After Europe, Alex offered to bring her on one of their mini American tours, which she happily accepted. At that point they apparently weren't ready to part ways yet, so Alex convinced the rest of the band to let her come along.

“Holy shit,” she breathed heavily, pulling away slowly. She grabbed my hands, smiling wide in my direction, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” I responded. It was true. Without Landon I had literally no friends to hang out with. Normally, when Jack was gone I had at least him and Lisa, but with her on tour and him out the picture life had become a little bit lonely. I tried befriending a couple of people at work, but honestly they weren't that great. We had nothing in common and to be frank I was a little bit awkward when it came to new people thanks to my anxiety.

I had started getting panic attacks again too. I think the guilt of leading Landon on and the fact that I was finally alone with my thoughts had gotten to me. Night after night I'd lay awake thinking about how I could have done everything differently. How I could have hurt less people, including myself. Often times I'd barely sleep at all, but when I did sleep I'd wake up from horrible nightmares that would leave me in a cold sweat and I'd cry. Work, I found, was basically my only solace, so I started diving more and more into that. For hours I would sit at my desk and focus on my work until the last person in the office would go home and there would just be me. Most times that wouldn't stop me though. I'd become obsessed with the idea of distraction. Thinking was the enemy. So, finally having Lisa home to distract was basically a blessing.

We walked threw the airport and to the parking lot where we hailed a cab. I grabbed her stuff and threw it in the trunk before jumping in the backseat next to us. We rode in silence for a couple of moments before she began blabbering. She spoke about Europe first, which took up about the majority of the ride to my place. They'd done so much in the short time they were there, it honestly blew my mind. France was her favourite. She said the food and the people there was phenomenal, but the wine was what won her over. I wasn't surprised. She was an obsessive wino. She drank it like juice.

After Europe, she spoke about the tour, which apparently was pretty awful. She hated the whole experience, other than being able to see Alex all the time. She said riding in the tour bus made her sick to her stomach. Being with a bus full of boys was apparently something she wouldn't even wish on her worst enemy.

We got to my place after about forty minutes. I paid for the cab and we grabbed her stuff and headed upstairs. Once inside we cracked open a bottle of what Lisa referred to as the best red wine ever in the history of red wines and began drinking. We sat on the couch in our pajamas as she continued her various stories.

“Honestly though, if you ever date a band boy do not go on tour with them.” She rolled her eyes. “The amount of alcohol and sweat and shit.” She gagged. “It's honesty disgusting.”

I chuckled as I took a sip. She was right. This wine was fantastic.

“And the amount of sex, ugh.”

I raised my brow. “You didn't enjoy the sex?”

“No, no, I mean from the rest of them. Rian was pretty civil, but Zack and Matt and Vinny.” She cringed at the thought of it. “I mean, none of them compare to Jack, but like...”

My heart stopped beating all together. I could feel my limbs grow numb and my breathing quicken. Everything around me spun. Did she really just say Jack? Was he really doing this to me? I swallowed hard and trying to control my breathing as I took a sip of red wine. I didn't want Lisa to suspect anything. Neither Jack or I had told anyone about us yet and I wasn't about to change that. I knew if anyone found out they'd be pissed, especially if they found out about Landon. I could tell they liked him. When Alex found out we broke up apparently he was pissed off for a whole day. I remember him messaging me, trying to find out what had happened, but I didn't say much. I think he thought Landon and I were going to end up together or something. I felt bad.

Lisa knew something was up immediately. She cocked her head and put her glass on the coffee table and leaned closer to me. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. “What's up?”

I shook my head, but said nothing as I continued to close my eyes. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about anything. So why couldn't I just stop? My eyes shot open and I downed the rest of my wine and got up to grab some more. “Uh, nothing. Just tired.” I poured the rest of the bottle into my glass and began sipping it. I leaned against the counter in my kitchen, trying not to cry. I pressed my lips together tightly as I glanced back at Lisa who looked confused as ever.

“I'm not an idiot Frankie, what's wrong?”

I sniffed as I took another sip. The tears began pouring out of my face as I sipped the last drop and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I cracked it open and walked over to the couch, wiping my face with my sleeve as I sat down. “I, uh, I haven't been feeling well, uh, mentally lately.” I didn't want to lie to her, but I also didn't want to bring up Jack. I needed to talk to him first before I blow things out of proportion.

“Are your panic attacks acting up?”

I nodded my head.

“Do you need anything?”

“I, uh, I think I need to go for a walk or something.” I took another sip and slipped my phone out of my pocket. It was nearly nine at night, which seemed like an alright time to call Jack. I didn't want to bug him too much. I knew how busy he was.

Lisa let me go. I grabbed my coat from the closet near the front door and slipped on a pair of boots. As I walked down the stairs I sent Jack a text and made my way outside down the street. Hey, can I call you? I wrote. I silently made my way down the street to the coffee place where Lisa and I frequented. It was open until ten on Fridays. As I got inside I glanced down at my phone while I walked up to the counter. Jack was calling me. I quickly ordered myself a chai latte and paid before answering. “Hey.”

“Hey, what's up?” He sounded tired.

“I, uh, um,” I glanced over at the barista making my drink. Her hands moved like lightening as she poured shots and steamed various pitchers of milk. Her arms flew around her smoothly, like she was performing a dance, not having to think twice about what step came next. She'd memorized her movements.

“Hello?”

“Oh, uh, sorry.”

“Chai latte for Frankie!” The barista yelled. We made eye contact and I awkwardly smiled as I grabbed my cup and headed over to the condiment stand for a lid.

“What's up?”

“Sorry, I was just getting coffee,” I cleared my throat, “Lisa's back.”

“Yeah?”

“We talked about the tour.” I took a sip. It was warm and comforting. “She said there were lots of girls.” I didn't want to be that girl, but I knew if I wanted to figure things out I had to be. Deep down I knew what she had said was true. Neither of us had discussed if we were exclusive or not. It was my own fault for not setting boundaries. He had free reign to do whatever he wanted. He was his own person. I just thought he'd have the decency to tell me first.

Jack sighed. “Look, please don't do this. Not over the phone.”

I pushed the front door of the building outwards and walked out onto the street. I debating on walking farther down the street, but deep inside I knew this conversation was going to last that long as I began making my way back home instead.

“I just don't want you lying to me.”

“I didn't lie to you.”

“Well, you didn't tell me about it either.” I rolled my eyes. He was so predictable.

“We're not dating.”

“I get that, but if you want this to work you have to be honest with me.” I took another sip. “The way you talk sometimes makes it seem like you're leading me on.”

“How so?” I could tell he was annoyed now. Every time we had a conversation about what he was doing wrong he got defensive and moody and basically unresponsive. It was annoying to say the least.

“You always talk about how if I wait for you everything will be fine, which insinuates you're not looking for anything.” I took a deep breath. Being honest with him was hard sometimes. “I just can't help but think, is this what you say to all the girls you sleep with?”

“Fuck you.”

“You already did.” I yelled. I didn't mean to, but I was already frustrated as it was. Sometimes I couldn't handle him. I needed to be away from him, which made our current situation work so well. Whenever I needed time alone he was usually on his way to the airport anyways and when I needed him he was either a phone call or just a quick flight away.

“Why is all of a sudden you're bringing this up?”

“Because I didn't fucking know you were sleeping with other girls, Jack! Do you think I'm psychic or something? I have no fucking clue what you do when you're not around.” At this point I was at my apartment. I slipped inside and walked up the stairs silently. Neither of us spoke. Once I got to my hallway I stopped at the end and sat on the floor, hoping he'd say something else before I had to hang up. I sipped my chai, waiting patiently.

“Look, I, uh,” he breathed heavily. “I'm sorry, but when I'm away from you I just can't handle it.”

“So you need other people to fill what I can't?” I was pissed off at this point.

“I mean, yeah, I guess.”

“Fuck off.” I hung up the phone and charged into my apartment. Lisa sat lazily on the couch watching some reality show. She glanced in my direction and muted the TV, raising her eyebrow.

“How'd it go?”

I hung up my jacket and kicked off my shoes. I was too angry not to say anything. I knew it was something Jack wanted to keep on the down low, but I needed to tell Lisa. I needed advice. For someone to tell me I was being the mature one.

“I'm going to tell you something that you can't tell anyone, alright?”

Lisa nodded reluctantly.

“I cheated on Landon with Jack.”

Her eyes grew wide.

“And we've been hooking up for the last year.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

“And I had no idea he was hooking up with other girls.”

“Uh, fu- oh, my god.” She starred at me completely flabbergasted, which honestly surprised me. Most of the time Lisa knew what was happening before I did. She just had this sense of things around her. She was smart.

I swallowed hard, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out. It was a text from Jack. I sighed deeply and opened it. You can't just tell me to fuck off. That's not fair.

Fuck off. I turned my phone on silent and looked up at Lisa who looked both confused and disappointment. I knew she wasn't impressed with me. There was no surprise there. After our first romantic entanglement she basically told me not to go near him after that. I wanted to listen to her. I knew she was right. For a while I did, but Jack was just apart of me now. He was constantly in my head, taking up space. He was a drug I just couldn't quit.

“I'm sorry.”

“I can't believe you'd do that to Landon.”

“I know.” I groaned. I threw my head in my hands and scrunched up my face. I still felt like absolute shit for doing that to him. He didn't deserve it. He was a nice guy. “I honestly feel the worst about him. It went on for too long and I regret it.”

“Jack should know better too. That fucking idiot.” She sighed deeply. “I can't believe him. He's so scummy.”

I nodded my head.

“Did you talk to him on your walk?”

I nodded again.

“What'd he say?”

“That when I'm not around he can't handle it, so he needs to fill his void.” I replied grumpily.

“Ew.”

“Yeah. I got mad and told him to fuck off, which he didn't like.” I pulled out my phone and checked my notifications. I had two missed calls and around four messages from him. “He's really pissed off at me.”

“He's such a douche bag.” Lisa said. “What do you even see in him?”

“I don't know!” I yelled in frustration. “He's just like, there, I don't know. I can't get rid of him. He's nice when he's not like this and he gets me and honestly the sex is a-”

Lisa threw up her hand. “I don't want to know about that. Gross.”

“We just click, I guess.” I shrugged. “I just don't think he's ready to accept it yet, though.”

“Well I say you deserve better.”

“I get that, I know I should find someone else, but I can't. I've invested so much time and he totally has the right to fuck whoever he wants. We didn't talk about exclusivity or anything.” I shrugged. “I just wish he told me.”

“You guys are so fucked up.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, “I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship either, you know? As nice as Landon was near the end he was always around everything he did drove me up the wall. So, even though I did cheat on him that wasn't the sole reasoning for it.”

“That doesn't make it okay though.”

“No, no, I know. I'm still a shit person, but I'm just saying as terrible as Jack can be, I think he's what I need right now. Someone familiar who understands me and isn't always around.”

Lisa didn't seem to like what I had to say. Every point I brought up made her eyes roll or her body tense up. I knew she wanted what she thought was good for me, but I wasn't like her. I didn't have a boyfriend who was willing to bend over backwards for me. I didn't have someone who wanted to be with me everyday. I didn't have someone who I loved everything about and vice versa. All I had was Jack and despite everything I was okay with that. At least for now.

“So you're just going to let him walk all over you?”

I shook my head. “No. I'm going to talk to him again once he's cooled down and explain to him that even though I don't like the fact that he's hooking up with other people I'm willing to look past it as long as he's honest with me.” I replied. “Oh and as long as he doesn't give me a disease or anything either.”

Lisa chuckled.

“I'm just going to check my phone. He's blowing it up.” I opened my messages and read through them.

Fuck off? No. You fuck off.

Seriously Frankie? Answer your fucking phone.

I swear to god. Please answer your phone. We're not done talking.

I'm sorry. I just want to talk. Please answer you phone.

Okay. Fine.

I could tell he was stressed out. I was too, but that didn't give him an excuse to be an asshole. Lisa and I talked for a little bit longer before I retreated to the bedroom and headed for bed. Normally she'd crash on the bed with me, but I told her I needed to sleep alone tonight, which she was fine with. I curled up under the blankets and pulled out my phone, calling Jack one last time before he could even say hello I spoke.

“I don't care that you're hooking up with other girls. I don't care if you need other people to fulfill the things I can't give you, I get it. You're needy as fuck and I'm not, so it makes sense that I can't give you what you need sometimes.” I took a deep breath. “I just want you to be honest with me. I know I didn't ask, so you didn't tell, but whatever. From now on, if I ask about anything you need to tell me. And same goes for you. If you need to ask I will be honest. I'm done lying to people.”

The phone was silent on the other end for a good thirty seconds before Jack let out of small cough and cleared his throat. “Okay.”

“I don't want to lose you over something stupid like this.”

“Same here.”

“And another thing. If I find myself needed another person you can't get mad at me, okay? Double standard.”

“Alright.”

“Okay.”

“I'm really sorry Frankie. I didn't mean to freak out at you. I just thought you were going to leave again and that really pissed me off.” He sounded sincere.

“It's fine.”

“Okay.”

“I'm going to sleep now. I'm exhausted. I'll talk to you tomorrow or something, alright?”

“Yeah, for sure. Love you.”

“Love you too.”