Doing Better

The rest of the summer was uneventful. After that weekend I went into work and asked my boss if I could take a leave of absence. Since I'd worked so hard in the years that I'd been there she granted it to me without any questions asked. I knew it wouldn't be long until I got bored of being away, but for now I needed to focus on myself. I left work after our July issue went live. I had all of August off and September if I wanted it. Everyone at work was really nice about the whole thing. They had no idea what was going on, but they knew something was up. It wasn't like me to just up and leave. I was addicted to my work.

For two weeks straight I binge watched television and drank. Every so often I cook dinner, but most of the time I just ordered pizza. I could tell this was my low point, my biggest breakdown, but I didn't care. I let it happen.

Lisa constantly called me. Most of the time I never bothered to answer though. The thought of talking about everything made me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to hear about what happened after I left. I didn't want to hear about how he was pissed and wanted me back or even if that wasn't the case. I wanted to block out everything about him. I wanted to shut him out like he did to me. I wanted to make him feel like I didn't want him anymore.

Deep down, I missed him. It was obvious. I couldn't ignore my feelings, even though I wanted to.

It was half way through September that I finally started to feel a bit better. After a bit of a rough night filled with booze I woke up in the bowl of my toilet. At that moment I knew I had to stop. As much as I loved to drink the pain away, I needed to get my shit together so I could go back to work. I cleaned myself up, forced myself to have a shower and doll myself up. I put on a nice outfit and did my hair and left the house for the first time in I don't know how long. The whole time I was out I felt like absolute shit. I walked to the coffee shop and stood in line, staring at the back of the head of the person in front of me as I waited for my turn.

I ordered a chai latte and sat in the darkness corner of the cafe, rubbing my temples. I had the biggest headache in the world. I sipped my drink, pulled out my phone, and called Lisa.

“Wow, you're actually alive.”

“Hello to you, too.”

“Ew, you sound awful.”

“I feel awful.”

“Why?”

I sighed. “I've been drinking. A lot. Um, do you want to hang out?”

“Where are you?”

“Coffee place.”

“Be there soon.”

She arrived twenty minutes later holding a cloth bag filled to the brim with stuff. She handed it to me as she sat down. “I made you a care package. There's like, a bunch of candy and shit in there. Plus some gift cards and a new coffee mug. I thought you could use it.”

I flashed her a thankful smile. “You're too nice. I'm sorry I've been MIA lately.”

She shrugged. “I figured you would be.”

“Yeah.”

Lisa fiddled with her hands underneath the table as she stared at me. I could tell she wanted to tell me something, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear it. Everyday leading up to this one had been hard enough without the mention of Jack. Knowing there was something I didn't know killed me inside. I wanted to know, I needed to know, but should I? Was it good for me? Would all this avoidance be reduced to nothing the second he was mentioned again?

“What?” I ignored everything my head was telling me. If something was happening I had to know.

“Oh, uh, nothing.” She shook her head.

“I'm not an idiot.”

“I didn't say you were an idiot.”

I sighed. “I know that look, Lisa.”

“Fine, fine.” She raised her hands up in defense, biting her bottom lip. She was nervous. “That night was rough, Frankie.”

I nodded my head. I wasn't entirely sure what to say at this point.

“Jack kind of lost it. He uh, we showed up at your house, like I said, but afterwards he kind of went on a rampage.” She breathed heavily. “We got him to his house and he just lost it. He started throwing shit everywhere, like across the room. He broke the majority of stuff in his house. At that point I left. Alex told me he needed to be alone with him.” Her eyes teared up a bit and her voice quivered as she spoke. “He, uh, um, he tried to hurt himself that night.”

I looked down at the table blankly. I wanted to cry again. No amount of time in the world could have prepared me for what Lisa had to say. Jack didn't deserve to feel that way, even after all the things he did. Yes, he was a shitty person. No, he shouldn't feel that way. All I wanted for him was to scream, maybe get a little mad. Feel awful for what he did. I didn't want him to hurt himself.

“Alex took him to the hospital. He stayed there for like a week before they released him.” She swallowed hard. “He's doing okay now, but I just wanted you to know that it isn't your fault, okay?” She grabbed my hands and tightly squeezed them. “Do not blame yourself for what happened. It's his fault. He did this to you and he did that to himself.”

I let out a much needed, heavy breath. It was a lot to take in.

“He's okay?”

She nodded. “That's the other thing.”

“What?”

“He proposed to his girlfriend.”

I widen my eyes.

“So, uh, yeah.”

Un-fucking-believable. There was no way. He didn't want commitment. He wanted to fool around for a while. Be his own person until he was ready and there was no way he was already ready for that shit. Just a couple of weeks ago he was telling me to wait for him. Wait until he was ready to settle down and then we'd be together. What a load of shit.

“Fuck him.” I muttered under my breath. It was like a switch went off in my brain. I could my sadness turn to anger. He wasn't worth my time anymore. Every thought that crossed my mind involving him could burn in hell for all I cared. He didn't deserve me. I was amazing. I was nice and helpful and hardworking. I was more than a piece of ass he could throw around. I was a person.

Lisa looked both confused, but happy. She smiled slightly, pulling her hands away from mine. She clapped them together excitedly as she leaned back in her chair, cocking her head to the side. “You good?”

“No idea.” I replied. “I'm honestly just pretty pissed off right now and I think the adrenaline of it all is kicking in.”

“Fair enough.” She laughed. “I'm sorry if that was a lot of information at one time. I just figured you should probably know.”

“No, no. I get it. Thank-you.” I sighed. “I needed that.”

We talked a bit about other stuff, like how she was currently in the process of switching positions at work. She needed something a bit more flexible, since she was going to be touring with Alex a lot more. The distance had become too much for them and they decided she'd get a job that could be more on the go. The band was heading to Europe for another tour in the next coming weeks. She also talked about how they were planning on buying a new house pretty soon, which she was definitely excited about.

After a couple of hours we parted ways. I told her I'd call her again to make plans before she left and then made my way home. Once there, I started cleaning. The build up of my mental breakdown definitely showed in my house. Garbage was strewn across the room and dishes had piled up in the sink. I spent a couple of hours cleaning, blasting music as I did so. Every so often I'd sing along or dance and honestly it felt great to get organized again. I felt better than I had in a long time after everything was done.

I sat on my couch and drank a couple of glasses of water as I scrolled through Facebook on my phone. A couple of pictures of people from college popped up, including one of Martin and Emma. It'd been two years since I'd seen them and they looked happier than ever. They had their little boy who was nearly two and another one on the way. I smiled to myself and clicked on Martin's account. Apparently their second was due in January.

I scrolled through mindlessly, seeing post and post about babies and weddings and engagements. I rolled my eyes. I was jealous. All I had going for me was a job, which only made me happy sometimes. I wanted someone to share it with. Being happy, while also being alone wasn't the most amazing thing in the world.

I swallowed hard and thought about Landon. I wondered what he was up to. I looked through my contacts and found what I hope was still his number. I sighed deeply as I typed out a message. I knew it wasn't a great idea, but maybe something good would come out of it. Landon was always a great guy. He loved me. He never did anything bad to me, so why not give him a second chance if he'll let me? The chances were slim, I knew that, but honestly it never hurt to try.

Hey, sorry if this is weird, but do you want to get coffee sometimes? I understand if you say no or don't even bother answering, but I wanted to see how you were doing.

Not even ten minutes passed before he answered: Yeah sure. Want to grab a beer tomorrow?

Sounds like a plan.

I'll pick you up at 8?

Sure.

Looking forward to it. :)

Me too. :)

I bit my lip hard. I was already nervous.