Doing Better

“You look nice.” He smiled as I slipped into the passenger side of his car.

I couldn't help, but feel particularly nervous. It had only been a couple of months since I'd last seen him, but things were different. I felt like we'd both changed, even just a little bit. His hair was longer, curling just below the tips of his earlobes and the hair on his face was thick. He looked tired, but still happy, that twinkle in his eyes I loved so much had returned and I could feel my stomach flip.

I examined him. He was wearing a plaid button up with a black cardigan and dark jeans. “So do you.” I smiled back.

We drove to the bar, initiating in awkward small talk as we drove around the city. Once, at our destination we entered the building and sat at the farthest edge of the bar. We ordered a couple of beers to start, throwing them back like they were water. I could tell he was nervous too. The way he bounced his foot on the edge of his stool was a dead give away. He always did that. Every so often he'd look around the bar, biting his thumbnail, too. That was another one of his tells.

“So, did you ever get a job?” I raised my brow. The second I said it though, I realized how rude it sounded. It felt like I was nagging him almost. I took a sip of my beer and closed my eyes. I didn't want to be that person.

He cleared his throat and nodded his head. “Uh, yeah.” He took a sip. “I got a job at the university as one of their tech guys. It's not exactly what I envisioned, but it pays good and it's more stable than freelance.”

“That's awesome.”

“Yeah. A couple of friends of mine from school are working on a game. I'm helping them out on the side, so that kind of fills my gaming needs.” He laughed.

“Well, I'm proud of you.” I reached for his thigh, gripping it lightly. Immediately after I froze, glancing up at him. His face was red. I pulled back and sighed deeply.

I missed him, weirdly enough. Maybe it was the alcohol or the lack of Jack in my life, either way I wanted him. I wanted to hug him again and smell him and kiss him. He was so good to me and I let him slip away. It wasn't fair. Sure, things didn't turn out all that well in the end, but maybe we could change that? Maybe we could pick up where we left off and pretend nothing happened?

“Sorry.” I bit my bottom lip.

“It's okay.” He smiled and brushed it off like it was nothing. “Old habits are hard to break.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” I blushed.

We talked about his job a bit more, while continuing to drink. After about five beers I started to feel it. I was fuzzy and warm and everything became easier. The nervous filter I had just moments before was washing away quickly. I could tell he felt the same. Every time he spoke he got louder and louder and more excited. The conversation flowed like the last six months had never happened. Every so often we'd touch each other, whether it be his thigh or my arm. We were here together, so in sync that I felt like we were something again.

“I missed you.” He sighed, but it was happy, like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. He gripped my hand tightly and smiled wide. “Even just like talking to you. I just missed it.”

“I missed you too.” The feeling of his hand on mine gave me unbearable tingles. My whole body vibrated with excitement. I couldn't help it. Something about the way he looked at me made me melt. Like we were on our first date again. “I'm really sorry about what happened.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Honestly, as awful as it sounds I knew it was going to happen.” He paused to take a sip. “Even after the first night when he called you I knew he was going to be a problem, but I just ignored it.” He inched closer to me in his seat. His happy facial expressions turned more serious. “I should have fought for you.”

I stared at his lips as he spoke. I wanted to kiss him really badly, but I also didn't want to fuck it up.

“You shouldn't have to fight for someone.” I replied.

“I know, but I'd do it for you.”

Oh, fuck it. I leaped off my chair and grabbed either side of his face with my hands. Quickly, I pressed my lips against his for a split second before pulling away and feeling awkward again. My brain was running a mile a minute, just like my heart. Everything felt amplified. The music of the bar became louder and the alcohol swirling through my body made my head spin. I breathed heavily, still gripping Landon's temples as I stared into his eyes, praying he'd come back to me.

He wrapped his arms around my lower back and pulled me in between his legs. He pressed his forehead against mine and breathed heavily. The heat of his mouth crashed against my face. I closed my eyes, thinking about every possible scenario that could happen.

“I don't think we should be doing this.” He said. I knew he wanted to do this just as much as I did, but we both knew it was wrong. We were never going to work out. Not after the shit I put him through. He looked happy without me. His job seemed to be going great and he was having a nice time with his friends and family. I didn't want to fuck that up for him.

“I know.”

We held each other for what felt like hours. Neither of us wanted to let go, because it meant it'd be over. We needed to move on, but were we ready? Were we capable of just forgetting one another completely?

“Why did you cheat on me?” He closed his eyes tightly. I could tell he'd been wondering for a while, despite telling me otherwise. He deserved the right to know.

“I wasn't over Jack when we got together.” I replied. “He and I had history and when he showed up again asking for me I couldn't say no. Up until the end I still loved you. I kept telling myself that I didn't to justify our break up, but I did. I loved you so much and I didn't realize it.” I was almost crying at this point. I closed my eyes tightly. “I shouldn't have done that to you, but I did and I'm sorry and I totally understand if you can never forgive me and you deserve so much better and-”

He pressed his lips against mine and pulled me close. He gripped the back of my head with his hands and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I didn't want to let go. After a few moments we separated and just stared at each other.

“I loved you, too.” He replied.

“I'm so sorry.” Tears fell down my face. I wiped them away instantly, hoping he'd just pretend they weren't there. I didn't want him to see me cry.

“It's okay.” He pulled me in for a hug. “It sucks, but I get it. I'm not mad anymore.”

“Okay.” I rested the side of my face in his shoulder. I glanced around the bar. Everyone was drunk and dancing, having the time of their lives, while I was here. Apologizing to my ex-boyfriend.

“I think we should go. Maybe talk somewhere else.”

I nodded my head. We paid our bills, called a cab, and went back to my place where we sat on the couch and drank water. Every so often we'd look at each other and talk about something stupid like work or music, but most of the time we remained silent. The awkward tension was back and neither of us really knew what to do.

“I don't think it's a good idea that this happens again.” Landon finally said out loud.

“You're right.” To say I was disappointed was an understatement, but it was stupid to think we'd work out again. There was no way it was going to happen and deep down I knew that. We weren't perfect and neither was our relationship. We had flaws and by the end they were starting to show.

“Okay.” He ran his fingers through his hair and leaned back on the couch, staring blankly in front of him. I could tell he was stressed. He took a couple of deep breaths before looking at me. “I think I'm going to go before I do something stupid like kiss you again.”

I laughed. “Fair enough.” I hated knowing I'd never kiss him again after that.

He patted my leg, flashing me a close lipped smile before leaving without another word. After he closed the door behind him I felt myself crumble. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged myself as I cried. My whole body buckled with every breath and at that moment I truly felt alone. I had no one. Landon had moved on and so had Jack and here I was sitting on my couch crying, because I missed both of them.

Once I was done crying I went to the kitchen and drank a couple of glasses of water as I stood next to my sink. After that I popped a couple of ibuprofen and got ready for bed. I replied to a couple of work messages, including one from my boss. She asked if I was going to be good to come to work again in October. I told her yes. As much as I had enjoyed my time off I knew it was time to get distracted again. I didn't want to think about any of this anymore and I knew work would help. I thought about calling Lisa to tell her about tonight, but decided against it. She'd probably get mad at me or something.

After a while I could feel the exhaustion take over my body. I let out a long, loud yawn before plugging in my phone and putting it on the nightstand. I crawled into bed and rolled on my side, pulling the covers over top of me. I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost instantly.