Doing Better

I could feel myself drifting off to sleep. My whole body felt weak and tired and despite it being only ten o'clock I was already ready to go to bed. Martin nudged me with his elbow and raised his brow angrily. Ever since I'd started my new job I'd become the worst person to go out with. I was constantly exhausted. I'd barely get any sleep during the week due to the high volumes of stress my boss put on me, so during the weekend all I wanted to do was just veg out at home. Since my friend's were so social though, that wasn't allowed, so every Friday I'd get dragged out to various events, especially since the release of the band's album.

“You need a Jager Bomb or something.” Alex smirked. He knew very well how much I hated Jager. The smell of it made me want to throw up.

I leaned my head against the table and flipped him off. I just wanted to sleep.

“Where's everybody? They said they'd be here by now.” Lisa pulled out her phone and scanned the bar. She was always impatient when it came to Alex's friends. They were always late no matter the occasion.

Alex shrugged. “Who knows.”

Lisa rolled her eyes and then tapped me on the forehead. “Bathroom?”

I nodded my head and slid out of the booth. The two of us proceeded to the bathroom. For the longest time I never understood why girls went to the bathroom together, but then Jack happened and everything just sort of clicked. The two of us walked side by side, looking around the room at all the other bar patrons. Like usual, the place was jam packed full of people.

Once we got to the bathroom Lisa leaped onto the counter and kicked her legs back and forth. She raised her brow and let out a sigh. “What's up? You seem down.”

I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms over my chest. I shrugged. “I mean, I wouldn't say I'm down for any particular reason.” I tried to rack through my brain what was really going on, which wasn't a whole lot. So why did I feel this way? Why did I feel so empty and alone and just bored with my life? I had a good job, great friends, a person who liked me. Everything seemed fine, but was it?

“What's the deal with Jack?”

“I don't know.” I wasn't lying either. I really didn't know. The two of us were pretty casual. Whenever we hung out the night always ended in us hanging out alone. Most of the time we just talked, but the occasional night ended with us making out. Nothing more. “I think I just want more out of it.”

“Okay.”

I sighed. “Like, okay,” I turned to face her. “On one hand, what's happening between us is nice. It's nothing serious, it's casual, it's honestly just, like, really nice knowing someone out there is interested in me. Even if it's just to talk or make out, but that's all it is.” I took a deep breath. It felt weird talking about him so much.

Lisa nodded.

“On the other hand I like him a lot. Like so fucking much. He's been on my radar for like a year and a half. Ever since the night we met I haven't thought about anyone else.” I really hadn't. A couple of guys had tried to get with me, but I never reciprocated those feelings. They were all just guys who were whatever. Jack was something completely different. “I just want to know if he feels the same way about me, because if he doesn't, whatever, I can move on. It's not a big deal, but if he does then...”

“You want to pursue something.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, I think you should definitely just be honest with him.” I really appreciated Lisa. She was a really good listener and an even better friend. Over the last year we'd gotten closer thanks to the group always hanging out. “I know that's easier said than done, but maybe some liquid courage will get you going.” She smirked. She was also an awful influence when it came to alcohol.

“Yeah.” I mumbled. I wasn't sure if I wanted to have such a serious conversation, while drunk. Deep inside though, I knew I didn't have the balls to do it sober. I was just too scared. The idea of opening up like that and getting rejected scared the shit out me. I mean, sure it would suck and I would get over it, but I was praying that wasn't the case. I really liked him and I wanted him to like me too.

Lisa jumped off the counter and went into the stall, which meant girl time was over. I left the bathroom by myself and walked back to the booth, which was occupied by not only Alex and Martin, but also Zack as well. Zack was a nice guy. Quiet, but still really awesome. He and I had talked a couple of times, but he much preferred talking to Martin out of everyone. The two of them were thick as thieves.

“Hey.” I sat down next to Martin and smiled at Zack. He reciprocated with a smile of his own, but said nothing.

“Where's Lisa?” Alex asked.

“Bathroom still.”

“Probably taking a shit.” Martin chuckled.

I rolled my eyes. As much as I loved Martin he was also severely immature. Once we all graduated the two of us kind of separated a bit. Not in a bad way, but we just didn't need each other as much anymore. We both had our own lives, but always came together for events like this. Plus, he owned a bar now, which took up a lot of his time.

“I'm going to get a drink.” I stood up from my seat and walked over to the bar where a well-built bald guy covered in traditional tattoos stood behind the counter. I pulled a five out of my wallet and asked him for a Pabst. He grabbed one from the fridge underneath the bar and I handed him my cash.

“Can I have one?” I turned around quickly. Jack towered above me like usual, his coy smile sent shivers down my spine. His hair was styled to what he described as perfection and he wore all black.

“Pabst?”

“But of course.” He replied. Ever since the night we met we always started off the night with it. Neither of us knew why, but we didn't question it either. It just sort of seemed right. The bartender grabbed one and gave me a dollar back. I left it on the counter and thanked him before turning to Jack and handing him the can. He clinked it against mine and the two of us smiled.

“Congrats on the album release.”

He bowed his head and took a long sip. After he finished he sighed in relief. “Thanks I'm happy it's over with, because it means we get to go on the road.”

I couldn't help, but frown. The last time they went on the road was the worst. Lisa and I spent every weekend basically crying together. More so on her end. She had so much anxiety when Alex left that she basically had a mental breakdown. I really didn't want to deal with that again.

“What's up?”

“Hm?”

“What's with the look?”

“Oh, uh.” I wanted to be as honest as possible with him tonight, even while sober. I needed to just do it. “It just really sucks when you're not around, you know?”

Jack grabbed the front of my belt, pushing his finger through the loop. He pulled me close so that our foreheads were touching. “Will you miss me?” His body was warm, especially in a crowded bar like this.

Despite the amount of times he's touched me every time feels like the first. I get all jittery and weird and my body basically craves him for the rest of the night. All I want to do is touch him and kiss him and just breathe him in. I didn't know what it was about him that made him special. He just was. He was like a drug.

He pulled me closer, pressing his lips against my ear. “Will you miss me?” He softly whispered.

“Y-yes.” I stuttered.

He pushed me away lightly and laughed. He finished off his beer and asked the bartender for two shots of tequila. He exchanged his cash for the full glasses and handed one to me. “You're so cute.”

I swallowed hard. It felt like I'd just been hit by a train. I could barely think, let alone speak or move. I finished off my beer and tipped back my head to take the shot. I didn't even bother clinking glasses like we usually did. I had no time for that. It was time for action. The liquor went down as smooth as it could. I sighed deeply and glanced over at the rest of our friends who were too occupied to even look over.

“C-can we talk?” I felt like my heart was going to burst.

“Sure.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the backdoor. Usually people went out here to smoke, but most of the time the alley was empty around this time. He closed the door behind him and pushed me against the wall. His hands found their way up my shirt as he cupped my breast. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close. We remained that way for a few good minutes, until I broke away to breathe. “What'd you want to talk about?” He chuckled.

I sighed and pulled out a pair of joints out of my pocket. I smiled and handed one to him. We both pulled out separate lighters and tried to few times to get them going. He lit his first, taking a couple of drags, until I got mine. We stood in silence for a couple of moments. Both of us learned to be comfortably silent around each other. It was just second nature to us now.

“Do you like me?” I turned to him. I bit the inside of my lip so hard I could feel it bleeding.

“I mean, yeah.” He shrugged. “Do you like me?”

I nodded.

“Is that it?'

“I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I don't know.” I replied. I was kind of frustrated, but in all honesty I had no clue what to say next. Was telling him I liked him not enough? Did I have to keep going? What did I say next without fucking everything up between us? “I guess, I just...” I swallowed hard.

“You're getting bored.”

“Yeah.” That was sort of true. “I really enjoy what we do, but I feel like it isn't enough for me anymore. Does that make sense to you?”

“Sure.” He responded.

“I want to like progress more.”

“Progress?” He laughed.

“What?”

“Some of your word choices are just funny to me.” He inhaled deeply, blowing smoke out of his nose.

“I'm bad at talking. You know that.” This was something else that was true. A lot of the time when we had our private conversations he was doing most of the talking. I felt like I knew so much about him and how he grew up to be who he was today. I mean, sure, he knew quite a bit about me, but the details he would throw into his stories were almost otherworldly compared to mine. I felt pretty dull most of the time in comparison to him.

“What do you want out of this?” He threw his finished joint on the ground and stepped on it. He glanced in my direction, his casual expression turning much more serious.

“I want you.”

He grabbed my face roughly with his hands and pushed his lips onto mine. Our kisses were much more passionate since the first time we'd done it. Everything had a rhythm and at this point we'd perfected it. Often times he could bite my lip, because he knew how much I loved it and I'd return the favor. Our tongues would swirl around and every so often we'd break for air and just stare at each other longingly, waiting for the next kiss to start. As much fun as it was kissing him, I wanted so much more and we both knew it, but neither of us initiated anything.

“I want you too.” He breathed heavily. My head was still cradled in his hands, but our foreheads were touching now. His licked his lips and glanced down at mine. He gave me a quick peck before grabbing my hand and dragging me out of the alleyway and onto the street. “Do you want to go to my place?”

I nodded. I wanted to do that more than anything.

Jack dragged me onto the street where he hailed a cab. He hopped in the back seat and he told him the address. Once the car started moving he pulled me in for another quick kiss and wrapped his arm around me. He kept me close and I rested my head against his chest. For the first time in a while I felt good.