Doing Better
alone
I yawned as I turned on the lights of my office. It was nearly seven in the morning and I was already late running things. I sat at my desk and booted up my computer as I checked the emails on my phone. I had nearly ten already and I checked before I went to bad last night. Most of them were just replies from clients I was looking to interview. I looked at my calender and responded to each one of the them before I transferred my attention back to the computer. I rubbed my eyes and yawned again as the screen basically blinded me. I'd been awake for nearly an hour, yet I was still exhausted thanks to some guy at the bar.
Since becoming the department head I had little time to myself. I was constantly at work. Not that I was complaining. I loved to work. Everything about my job, especially now that I was higher up everything felt much more rewarding. I felt like I was finally making a difference. I had a voice and I was using it. It was amazing. However, this proved to be difficult when juggling the rest of my life. Other than work I didn't have much else. I'd basically abandoned all contact with my friends, which meant I was bored and alone. I started going to bars by myself, which at first was kind of embarrassing, but after a while became the norm. I often picked up guys and had them take me home. It was definitely weird, but I quite enjoyed it. I was free of all morals. I could hook up with a guy and feel nothing, but pleasure and excitement. Then in the morning I could leave. It was nice.
My phone vibrated vigorously in my hand. I glanced at the screen, raising my brow at the number that appeared. I didn't recognize it, but I answered it anyway in case it was important. “Hello?”
“Oh, my god, hi!”
“Lisa?”
“Yes! Sorry to call you so early. I'm in London and it's nearly noon and I just. Oh, my god. I needed to tell someone and I know we don't talk anymore, but I miss you and I need to tell you something, because it's really, really, really important.” She spoke so quickly I could barely understand her. In the background I could hear various voices followed by music and yelling.
“What's going on?”
“Alex and I are engaged!” She screamed. I heard Alex on the other end laughing.
“Holy shit.” I wasn't surprised at all, but I was happy. I missed them a lot, but after not talking to them for so long I figured they wanted nothing to do with me.
It had a year and half since I had spoken to anyone. Not because I didn't want to, but because I felt like I wasn't wanted anymore. Nobody tried to contact me after I told Lisa I wanted to be alone. I thought they were mad at me or something. I knew it was a shitty thing for me to do, but at the time it was what I needed.
“Yeah, I'm so drunk right now.” She laughed.
“I can tell.” I replied. “What time is it there?”
“Almost noon.”
“Wow. You're starting early.”
“I haven't stopped drinking since the proposal last night.” She said something to Alex who mumbled a reply. I heard the phone muffle on the other end until I could clearly hear Alex. “Frankie, what's up my dude?”
“Hey Alex. Congrats.” I smiled to myself. It was nice to hear his voice.
“Thanks. We're stoked.”
“I can tell by Lisa's screaming.”
“Yeah. Uh, anyway, she just went to the bathroom, but I wanted to chat about the wedding. We want you there, okay?”
I bit my bottom lip. It was weird hearing him say that. I honestly hadn't felt wanted in so long that it didn't feel normal. It was nice though. I could feel my heartbeat quicken as I thought about seeing them again. I guess I never realized how much I missed them until now. They were always such great friends to me and I just abandoned them.
“Really?” I felt stupid for asking, but I honestly couldn't believe it.
“Yes. I'm sure Lisa wants you to be in the wedding party, but we'll wait until she's sober enough so she can ask you herself.” He laughed.
“Thanks guys. I'm so happy for you.”
“We're happy too. It's probably long overdue, but it's happening now so that's all that matters.” He cleared his throat. “How have you been? Anything interesting?”
“Sort of, I guess. I'm the head of my department now.”
“No fucking way.”
“Yes way.” I smiled. I was proud of myself.
“That's awesome.”
“Yeah. I worked really hard.”
“Any guys in your life?”
The mention of guys made me want hang up the phone. The last thing I wanted in my life was a boyfriend. The whole commitment thing I realized wasn't for me. After my brief encounter with Landon I tried to date some guy named Jamie. He was a guy I met at a bar one night. We hit it off pretty well and for a couple of weeks we'd go out every so often. Things seemed pretty nice until I figured out he was seeing another girl as well. After that I sort of gave up on the male species when it came to relationships.
“Not really.” I replied. “I mean, I'm not really looking anyways.”
“Fair enough.” The phone shuffled on the other end again. “Oh, here's Lisa.”
“Will you be my maid of honor?” She squealed. “Sorry if that's weird.”
I laughed. “No, no it's okay. I'll totally be your maid of honor if you want me to.” It was weird how normal it felt to talk to them again. It was like the last few years of silence had never happened. I figured it was because they were drunk, but I didn't care. It was nice to just talk to them, even for a couple of minutes.
“Alex, did you hear her?”
“Listen, I would love to keep talking, but I'm at work and I have to buckle down. Call me later tonight, okay?”
Lisa agreed and her and Alex yelled goodbye before hanging up. I smiled to myself as I set down my phone and began working. I sent a couple more emails to various people before preparing a couple of pages for our meeting. Friday was meeting day, which meant I had to focus. Our meeting was at nine and I was supposed to be pitching some new ideas to give the magazine a fresh new look. I was excited. For the last few weeks I'd be creating different layouts and stories and ideas. I had a couple in mind that I thought could real develop into something cool, but I knew it was going to be a tough sell. There were at least four other department heads against me, which meant it was going to be a long meeting.
I went in feeling confident as ever. I think the phone call from Lisa and Alex really helped me. I felt better than ever and when it was my turn to pitch my idea I nailed it. Every word that came out of my mouth flowed beautifully and everyone in the room seemed pretty pleased by the end of it. They told us they'd let us know by Monday who's idea would get chosen. I was hopeful. I thanked them for their time and finished the rest of my day in my office.
Once finished I headed home. I stopped at the coffee place to grab an chai. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and replied to a couple more emails. Half way through the third one I got a phone call from Lisa.
“How did the rest of your day go?”
“Good. Have you stopped drinking yet?”
She groaned. “Yeah. My head fucking hurts.”
I laughed. I entered my apartment building and walked up the stairs, sipping my tea. “It's so crazy how you guys are finally getting married.”
“Yeah. We've only been together for eight years.” She laughed.
“Well, at least you know for sure you guys like each other.” I replied. “I wish someone liked me enough to keep me around for eight years.”
“Nobody?”
“Nah. I'm too busy.”
“Please, you're never too busy to have another person to share your life with.” I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn't really working. Up until now I kind of forgot how hopeless my love life was and I was okay with it. Now that I knew my two best friends were getting married it made me feel stupid. How was I supposed to go to their wedding and not be jealous of them?
“I guess so.”
“Are there any contenders at least?” She sounded hopeful.
“Nope.” I sighed. I got to my apartment and opened the door. I made me way to the couch, dropping onto it lazily. “There was one guy named Jamie, but he turned out to be a dick like the rest of them.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I'm just sort of hooking up right now, which is fine. I mean, it's lonely, but it's okay.”
“Are you sure you're okay? Alex and I are heading home tomorrow. We should meet up.”
I nodded my head. “I'd like that. We have a lot of catching up to do, I suppose.”
“I guess so.”
We talked a bit about work and such. It was nice hearing her voice again. I knew she felt the same. She kept telling me how much she missed me, which made me happy. I missed her so much, but I was afraid she didn't feel the same, especially after I just dropped off the face of the earth. She didn't bother asking me why I left, which I appreciated. I knew she had an idea, but it was nice of her not to dig for more information. After a while I started to get tired though. I explained to her about my day, telling her about my meeting and how important it was and she told me she'd let me go. I felt bad about cutting the call so short, but I needed to sleep. I could feel my eyes closing every moment I laid there. I thanked her for calling and for letting me come to her wedding before hanging up the phone.
For the first time in a while I felt okay.
Since becoming the department head I had little time to myself. I was constantly at work. Not that I was complaining. I loved to work. Everything about my job, especially now that I was higher up everything felt much more rewarding. I felt like I was finally making a difference. I had a voice and I was using it. It was amazing. However, this proved to be difficult when juggling the rest of my life. Other than work I didn't have much else. I'd basically abandoned all contact with my friends, which meant I was bored and alone. I started going to bars by myself, which at first was kind of embarrassing, but after a while became the norm. I often picked up guys and had them take me home. It was definitely weird, but I quite enjoyed it. I was free of all morals. I could hook up with a guy and feel nothing, but pleasure and excitement. Then in the morning I could leave. It was nice.
My phone vibrated vigorously in my hand. I glanced at the screen, raising my brow at the number that appeared. I didn't recognize it, but I answered it anyway in case it was important. “Hello?”
“Oh, my god, hi!”
“Lisa?”
“Yes! Sorry to call you so early. I'm in London and it's nearly noon and I just. Oh, my god. I needed to tell someone and I know we don't talk anymore, but I miss you and I need to tell you something, because it's really, really, really important.” She spoke so quickly I could barely understand her. In the background I could hear various voices followed by music and yelling.
“What's going on?”
“Alex and I are engaged!” She screamed. I heard Alex on the other end laughing.
“Holy shit.” I wasn't surprised at all, but I was happy. I missed them a lot, but after not talking to them for so long I figured they wanted nothing to do with me.
It had a year and half since I had spoken to anyone. Not because I didn't want to, but because I felt like I wasn't wanted anymore. Nobody tried to contact me after I told Lisa I wanted to be alone. I thought they were mad at me or something. I knew it was a shitty thing for me to do, but at the time it was what I needed.
“Yeah, I'm so drunk right now.” She laughed.
“I can tell.” I replied. “What time is it there?”
“Almost noon.”
“Wow. You're starting early.”
“I haven't stopped drinking since the proposal last night.” She said something to Alex who mumbled a reply. I heard the phone muffle on the other end until I could clearly hear Alex. “Frankie, what's up my dude?”
“Hey Alex. Congrats.” I smiled to myself. It was nice to hear his voice.
“Thanks. We're stoked.”
“I can tell by Lisa's screaming.”
“Yeah. Uh, anyway, she just went to the bathroom, but I wanted to chat about the wedding. We want you there, okay?”
I bit my bottom lip. It was weird hearing him say that. I honestly hadn't felt wanted in so long that it didn't feel normal. It was nice though. I could feel my heartbeat quicken as I thought about seeing them again. I guess I never realized how much I missed them until now. They were always such great friends to me and I just abandoned them.
“Really?” I felt stupid for asking, but I honestly couldn't believe it.
“Yes. I'm sure Lisa wants you to be in the wedding party, but we'll wait until she's sober enough so she can ask you herself.” He laughed.
“Thanks guys. I'm so happy for you.”
“We're happy too. It's probably long overdue, but it's happening now so that's all that matters.” He cleared his throat. “How have you been? Anything interesting?”
“Sort of, I guess. I'm the head of my department now.”
“No fucking way.”
“Yes way.” I smiled. I was proud of myself.
“That's awesome.”
“Yeah. I worked really hard.”
“Any guys in your life?”
The mention of guys made me want hang up the phone. The last thing I wanted in my life was a boyfriend. The whole commitment thing I realized wasn't for me. After my brief encounter with Landon I tried to date some guy named Jamie. He was a guy I met at a bar one night. We hit it off pretty well and for a couple of weeks we'd go out every so often. Things seemed pretty nice until I figured out he was seeing another girl as well. After that I sort of gave up on the male species when it came to relationships.
“Not really.” I replied. “I mean, I'm not really looking anyways.”
“Fair enough.” The phone shuffled on the other end again. “Oh, here's Lisa.”
“Will you be my maid of honor?” She squealed. “Sorry if that's weird.”
I laughed. “No, no it's okay. I'll totally be your maid of honor if you want me to.” It was weird how normal it felt to talk to them again. It was like the last few years of silence had never happened. I figured it was because they were drunk, but I didn't care. It was nice to just talk to them, even for a couple of minutes.
“Alex, did you hear her?”
“Listen, I would love to keep talking, but I'm at work and I have to buckle down. Call me later tonight, okay?”
Lisa agreed and her and Alex yelled goodbye before hanging up. I smiled to myself as I set down my phone and began working. I sent a couple more emails to various people before preparing a couple of pages for our meeting. Friday was meeting day, which meant I had to focus. Our meeting was at nine and I was supposed to be pitching some new ideas to give the magazine a fresh new look. I was excited. For the last few weeks I'd be creating different layouts and stories and ideas. I had a couple in mind that I thought could real develop into something cool, but I knew it was going to be a tough sell. There were at least four other department heads against me, which meant it was going to be a long meeting.
I went in feeling confident as ever. I think the phone call from Lisa and Alex really helped me. I felt better than ever and when it was my turn to pitch my idea I nailed it. Every word that came out of my mouth flowed beautifully and everyone in the room seemed pretty pleased by the end of it. They told us they'd let us know by Monday who's idea would get chosen. I was hopeful. I thanked them for their time and finished the rest of my day in my office.
Once finished I headed home. I stopped at the coffee place to grab an chai. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and replied to a couple more emails. Half way through the third one I got a phone call from Lisa.
“How did the rest of your day go?”
“Good. Have you stopped drinking yet?”
She groaned. “Yeah. My head fucking hurts.”
I laughed. I entered my apartment building and walked up the stairs, sipping my tea. “It's so crazy how you guys are finally getting married.”
“Yeah. We've only been together for eight years.” She laughed.
“Well, at least you know for sure you guys like each other.” I replied. “I wish someone liked me enough to keep me around for eight years.”
“Nobody?”
“Nah. I'm too busy.”
“Please, you're never too busy to have another person to share your life with.” I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn't really working. Up until now I kind of forgot how hopeless my love life was and I was okay with it. Now that I knew my two best friends were getting married it made me feel stupid. How was I supposed to go to their wedding and not be jealous of them?
“I guess so.”
“Are there any contenders at least?” She sounded hopeful.
“Nope.” I sighed. I got to my apartment and opened the door. I made me way to the couch, dropping onto it lazily. “There was one guy named Jamie, but he turned out to be a dick like the rest of them.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I'm just sort of hooking up right now, which is fine. I mean, it's lonely, but it's okay.”
“Are you sure you're okay? Alex and I are heading home tomorrow. We should meet up.”
I nodded my head. “I'd like that. We have a lot of catching up to do, I suppose.”
“I guess so.”
We talked a bit about work and such. It was nice hearing her voice again. I knew she felt the same. She kept telling me how much she missed me, which made me happy. I missed her so much, but I was afraid she didn't feel the same, especially after I just dropped off the face of the earth. She didn't bother asking me why I left, which I appreciated. I knew she had an idea, but it was nice of her not to dig for more information. After a while I started to get tired though. I explained to her about my day, telling her about my meeting and how important it was and she told me she'd let me go. I felt bad about cutting the call so short, but I needed to sleep. I could feel my eyes closing every moment I laid there. I thanked her for calling and for letting me come to her wedding before hanging up the phone.
For the first time in a while I felt okay.