Doing Better

Lisa came over late the next night. She collapsed tiredly on my couch with two coffee cups in hand. She handed me one, smiling as she took a sip of her own. She let out a long, much needed sigh as she closed her eyes. “I'm so fucking tired, man.”

I laughed, adjusting myself comfortably on the couch. It had been so long since I'd seen her in person I forgot what she looked like. I couldn't help, but stare.

“So, how are you?” She sat upright, flashing me the biggest smile I'd seen in a while. She tore off her coat and purse, throwing them on the floor next to her. She sat intently, staring happily in my direction as she sipped her coffee.

“I'm okay.” I shrugged. I was doing a lot better already knowing that she was around again. I'd been alone for so long I forgot what it was like to have an actual person that I liked to talk to. For the longest time I'd relied on men to be my shoulder to cry on. I'd get drunk and tell them my life story and then hop into bed with them. Obviously, that wasn't the ideal situation, but it was the best I could come up with.

“Yeah?” Lisa raised her brow, like always she could sense that something was wrong.

I sighed deeply, leaning back on my couch. I glanced at the ceiling as I tried to collect my thoughts. I wanted to tell her everything. All the stuff that happened between Jack and I, the Landon incident, the shit with Jamie. I wanted her to know that I wasn't happy. That I needed help. I didn't want to stress her out though. I knew as much as I needed her right now she needed me more. She was getting married, which was amazing, but I knew it'd be stressful. Alex was going to be an awesome husband, but Lisa needed more than that. She needed a support system.

“What's up?” She asked again.

I shook my head, letting out an awkward laugh. “Just tired from work. That's all.”

She rolled her eyes. “I'm not stupid, Frankie.”

I bit my bottom lip. “Okay, fair enough.” I swallowed hard. “I'm a bit lonely.”

“Okay.”

“I fucked up. A lot. At least I think so. I don't know. All the stuff with Jack is really fucking annoying, like no matter how hard my brain tries to get rid of him, it can't. I hate it. It made me fuck everything up that I had. Landon didn't deserve that. I wish I could've gotten a second chance, but I knew it wouldn't work, even after I tr-”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“You tried to get back together with him?”

“I, uh, kind of.” I cleared my throat. “A couple of weeks after finding out about Jack I messaged him.”

“And?”

I shrugged. “We, uh, we went for drinks and we kissed and I thought for a second maybe we could forget about the whole thing, but he left.” I felt the pain in my chest grow the more I talked about it. “He accepted my apology and we kissed and he told me it wasn't a good idea for us to get together, because he knew he'd be second to Jack and I just can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it.” Tears ran down my face as I breathed heavily. I stared at the ceiling, hoping that Lisa would ignore my emotions and just change the subject to something about her wedding or Alex or even work. She didn't though. She put her coffee on the counter and curled up beside me, pulling me into her chest. She held me tight as I cried. Everything poured out of me like a fountain. I told her everything. About how Jack had fucked me over so many times and how I was left alone and how I missed Landon and hated Jamie and how my body didn't feel like mine anymore.

I wanted to rip off my skin and throw it the trash. I couldn't look at body without feeling guilty about how badly I had treated it. My standards had become so low I couldn't respect myself anymore. The idea of sex disgusted me, but I needed it. For a short period of time it made me feel good and wanted, but when all was said and done I'd feel awful again. I needed people to fill my loneliness so I just let them. No questions asked. It got to a point where guys could just grab me and I wouldn't say anything about it. I'd just let it happen, because I thought I deserved it. I was no longer a person to them, but an object.

So, when Jamie came around and acted like this proper gentleman I fell for him. It was only for a few weeks, but it had been the best few weeks of my life up until that point. He treated me so well I almost felt like it was a joke. He'd message me every day, kiss me in public, fuck me good. He treated me like a person and I loved it. After a while though, my anxieties got the better of me and I knew it was too good to be true. I snuck a peek at his phone one time when he was in the shower and noticed he was messaging another girl. Just a quick scroll through their conversations were enough for me realize I wasn't the only one. I never bothered contacting him after that night. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just stopped talking to him. Acted like he never existed.

After I explained everything to Lisa I felt like I could finally breathe again. My breath was heavy, but stable and the tears were no longer there. I cleared my throat and pulled away from her slowly, watching her saddened expression as she reached over and took a couple of sips of coffee. She shook her head, grabbing my hand tightly. “I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.”

“Don't be sorry. I wouldn't let you be.”

“You don't deserve to feel this way. You're a wonderful person.”

I wasn't sure what to say.

“Do you want to do something? Get your mind off all this?”

She knew me well. I nodded my head and she stood up, stretched her arms to the ceiling as she let out a small yawn. “Okay, we're going to get ready and go out for a couple of beers and have some fun. Just the two of us. No boys.”

I nodded my head and followed her into the bedroom. We did the classic girly movie montage. We picked out each others outfits and did our hair and makeup and about an hour later we were ready. We raided my fridge for alcohol, which was scarce at the moment. All that was there was a sick pack of beer and maybe three shots worth of tequila. We drank it as quickly as we could. After that, we headed outside and hailed a cab.

We shuffled into the backseat of the car. I felt buzzed. I stumbled into the seat behind the driver, bashing me head onto the window. I laughed loudly and Lisa grabbed my head, rubbing it as she told me I'd be fine. The whole ride there we talked about Alex's proposal. According to Lisa it was absolutely perfect. They had a nice candlelit dinner on the balcony of their hotel room. They ordered room service and drank champagne and afterwards he got down on one knee and popped the question. I couldn't help, but imagine what it'd be to be proposed to. The whole idea seemed surreal to me.

Once we got to the building we walked inside. Thankfully it was early enough so there wasn't a line. We walked to the bar and order drinks. I got a beer and another shot, while Lisa ordered two Jagerbombs. She complained about being tired and decided the Redbull would keep her awake. We drank our drinks in silence before heading over to the almost empty dance floor. We wiggled to the music, laughing loudly at each others embarrassing moves.

This went for about twenty minutes before we grew tired. We wandered back to the bar and sat on the stools near the right side. We ordered a couple more beers and relaxed.

“So, have you talked to Jack since that night?” She was drunk. I could tell, because her filter was gone. Normally, Lisa didn't ask questions like that so abruptly without context. She'd try to relate the conversation to other things. I didn't mind thought. Drunk me was much more understanding about the impulsive workings of the mind.

I shook my head. “I can't do it. Knowing that he lied to me for so long really fucking sucked.” I took a sip of my beer. “And even though I know what he did was wrong, like really wrong, I know I'll forgive him if I talk to him again. I'm fucking stupid.” I laughed.

Lisa laughed too. “Yeah. He does make you pretty dumb.”

“I just. I wish I could just be friends with him, you know?”

She nodded.

“Like,” I adjusted myself on the stool, “I just wish we could put aside our feelings and hang out. Just once. As friends. I feel like he'd be the most amazing friend. I mean, he is to Alex, so why can't he be that way with me? Why did he have to choose to be attracted to me right from the get go? I didn't even get a chance to get to know him before jumping into bed with him.”

“I mean, fair enough, but that's not how shit works Frankie. People don't just shut off their feelings.”

“I know! I just, I, uh-” my eyes darted behind her head. As if by fate, there was Jack, standing at the other end of the bar. He was nursing a beer, standing by himself. He had his eyes glued to his phone, his finger swiping left and right quickly. I grabbed Lisa by the shoulders, awkwardly hiding behind her. “-fucking hell he's here.”

She looked at me confused, her head moving back and forth a couple of times before it stopped. She gripped my wrist tightly. “What do you want me to do?”

“I don't know. I'm drunk. All I want to do is kiss him.” I confessed.

She turned to face me, glaring angrily. “You can't do that.”

“I fucking know, stupid.”

I continued to hide behind her as we stared intently. Every so often he'd take a sip of beer as he looked at his phone. Every so often he'd look up, but never at us, which I was thankful for. He looked pretty much the same, except the blonde streak in his hair had been replaced with red. He wore a black denim jacket on top of a plaid button up and ripped jeans. The stubble on his face had grown since I'd last seen him too. It looked like he'd been neglecting it.

“What do you think I should do?”

“I'm really not sure. I don't have a lot of experience with the whole seeing your ex that you're still in love with at the bar alone looking sad and full of angst.”

“He does look sad, doesn't he?”

Lisa widened her eyes and looked over at me. “Oh fuck I totally forgot. I think him and that girl called the engagement off recently.”

“What?”

“I don't know for sure. I remember him calling Alex one night and freaking out. I heard Alex mention something about her not being right for him or something. I don't know I was drunk then and I'm drunk now and I really want you to be okay, are you okay?”

“I don't know.” I replied honestly. Jack's head turned to face the bar. I ducked behind Lisa who quickly turned around so he hopefully wouldn't notice her. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. We need to find a better hiding spot.”

“I think you should just go talk to him. I'm here, so I'll make sure you don't do anything stupid, okay?”

I shook my head, but before I could think of even the littlest excuse Lisa grabbed my arm and pulled me off the chair. I stood next to her, staring at Jack who was back to looking at this phone. My heart pounded wildly, knowing that at any second he could look up and see me. I grabbed Lisa's hand with one of my own and grabbed my beer with the other. I downed it and ordered another one before closing my eyes and nodding my head to myself. I needed to talk to him, even just to say hi. I needed to be the bigger person and stop avoiding him. Most of all though, I needed answers.

“Okay. I'm going now.” I opened my eyes and turned to face his direction. When I looked up he was staring at me wide eyed. I bit my bottom lip and took a long sip of my drink before placing it on the counter and quickly walking over to him. By now the bar was getting packed. I pushed my way through crowds of people as I darted towards him. He shoved his phone in his pocket and continued to look at me. Our eyes were locked. At this point I'd completely stopped breathing. The sweat from my body was dripping out of me like a broken shower head and quite frankly I felt like I was going to die. When I got to him I hugged him tightly, wrapping my arms around his body. I smashed my face into his chest and smelt him. He smelled like cigarettes and vanilla and stale beer and I loved it. He wrapped his arms around me, running his fingers through my hair. I almost started crying.

It had been two and a half years since I'd felt him last. I couldn't help myself. I pulled him into me so tightly. I didn't want to let go. I knew things between us were wrong, but I didn't care. I needed him around even if it meant I had to suffer. It sounded completely ridiculous, but it was the only thing in life that I was sure of.