Doing Better

He pulled me outside into the alleyway, gripping my hand tightly. He handed me a joint, which I gladly took. He hit it for me and I took the longest drag I could possible take without coughing my lungs out. I sniffed loudly. The cold air hit me like a ton of bricks. I shivered wildly, holding the joint between my lips as I ran my hands up and down my naked arms quickly. Jack handed me his coat and then shoved his hands his pockets, breathing heavily.

“How are you?” He asked. He kicked the ground nervously.

I took another drag before sighing deeply. I never thought I'd have to have this conversation with him. So many times I'd laid awake thinking of what I would say, but nothing compared to the real thing though. The second I hugged him everything vanished. All the things I wanted to say became completely irrelevant. I didn't want to kiss him and tell him I wanted to get back together. I didn't want to scream in his face and tell him how worthless he was. All I wanted to do was have a nice, normal conversation and just let whatever happened happen.

“I mean, okay, I guess.”

“Yeah?”

“I'm not really sure what to say right now.”

“Me either.”

“How are you?”

“Fine.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

We stood in silence for a couple of minutes, but it wasn't the same. It was awkward now. Our once comfortable non-talking moments had finally been ruined. I so desperately wanted to talk, but I couldn't get any words out. I could barely breathe.

“I, uh, I just want to say I'm sorry I didn't tell you.”

“About?” I raised my brow.

“Jess.”

“Who?”

“My fiance.”

I guess Lisa was wrong about them breaking up. Deep down I knew it was too good to be true. You don't just break off an engagement over a single fight. “Oh, uh, yeah.”

“I wanted to have the best of both worlds and that wasn't fair.”

“Did you tell her?”

He nodded. “A couple of weeks ago.”

“How'd she take it?”

“A lot better than you did.” He laughed.

I glared in his direction and he stopped. I wasn't entirely sure I was ready to forgive him, especially if he was going to act like a child.

“Sorry.” He muttered.

“Whatever.”

“No, really. I am. You deserved to know. I told you that night I would tell you if I was seeing other people and I didn't tell you and you found out. I understand why you got mad. I would have been to if I was in your position. I just wished you would have given me the chance to work things out.”

“I gave you so many chances, Jack.” I took another drag of my joint. It calmed me. “You did nothing, but shit on me the entire time we were together. I gave you literally everything and I know it's my fault for being vulnerable, but the least you could've done was be a bit more careful.”

“What do you mean?”

“You out of everyone know exactly what I'm like. You know how easy I give myself to people. How stupid I fucking am sometimes and you just used that against me. You knew I'd go along with your bullshit and you didn't do anything about it. And now here you are apologizing for all the wrong things.”

“Then what do you want me to apologize for?”

“For not loving me.” I screamed. “I loved you. So much. I left the best relationship I ever had for you. I let you walk all over me, because I loved you so much and I thought you felt the same way about me. After I stopped talking to you I realized you never loved me. You loved the physical parts of me. Just like everyone else.”

Jack stood silently as I yelled. I think he finally realized what I was saying was true. After all this time I was still just some toy to him. He never wanted to be with me. Not even for a second. He just said those things to keep me around.

“That's not true. I really did l-”

“I fucking-” I groaned loudly, cutting him off. I threw the remainder of the joint on the ground and stomped on it. “-fuck, I don't get you. Everything you say sounds like a fucking lie and I don't know what do believe anymore.”

“If you just let me ex-”

“No, stop.” I raised my hand in the air, silencing him instantly. “I can't have this conversation right now. I thought I could, but I-I-I can't. I really can't.” I brushed past him and grabbed the handle of the door. I opened it about half way, leaning on it. I turned back towards him. He stared at the ground tiredly. I bit my bottom lip. “I'm sorry, Jack.”

I ran into the bar and found Lisa. I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out of the bar without saying a word. She followed, pulling her phone out of her purse. She called a cab. We stood outside the bar in silence. I stared forward at the busy street in front of me, waiting for the car to show up, praying Jack wouldn't show up.

A couple of minutes later the cab pulled up in front of us. We hopped inside and remained silence until we ended up in my apartment. I walked to the fridge and managed to find a couple more beers near the back. I grabbed two, handing Lisa one. We sat on the couch and I took a deep breath.

“He told Jess about us and they're still together and he said he loved me, but I don't know if he still loves me and frankly I don't fucking care right now. I'm just pissed off.”

“Did he apologize?”

I downed my beer, letting out a sigh of relief. I no longer felt as drunk as I wanted to be. I needed the alcohol to take over my brain and let me think about something else for a while. I grabbed another beer from the fridge and sat down. “Sort of, I guess. He apologized for not telling me, but I don't care about that.”

“What do you want him to apologize for then?”

“For just being an asshole, I guess. I don't know.” I shrugged. “He broke my heart. He did so many shitty things to me in the time we were together and the only thing he said he was sorry for was not telling me about another girl, even though I said it was fine.”

“But it wasn't fine.”

“Doesn't matter. I told him it was, so he believed it. Sure, the time lines of the conversations are weird and I'm not too sure when they got together verses us having the conversation, but honestly, I don't give a shit. He manipulated me and treated me unfairly and that's what I want an apology for.”

“That seems pretty fair.” Lisa agreed.

“I got too mad to let him say anything else though.”

“I can tell.”

“How?”

“You still have his jacket.”

I looked down. “Fucking hell.” I ripped it off my body and threw it on the ground. I didn't want it touching me. Who knew where it had been. I shook my head in disgust and drank my other beer. “I need to go to bed.”

“Yeah. We can talk more in the morning.”

I nodded. “You crashing here?”

Lisa shook her head. “Alex is on his way to come get me.”

I stood up from the couch and kicked Jack's jacket towards the front door. “You can get Alex to give that to him.”

Lisa laughed and stood next to me. We embraced in a long, much needed hug before she left. Once she was gone I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked disgustingly tired. The bags under my eyes were thick and heavy. My eyes themselves were extremely bloodshot from all the crying too. I closed them, feeling my head spin from the amount of alcohol and weed in my system. Breathing heavily I could feel myself grow panicky. I paced out my breaths as I turned off the light and made my way to my bed. I curled up under the covers and pulled my phone out of my pocket. Like I expected there was a message from Jack.

Whenever you're ready I'd like to explain everything. I'm willing to wait.

I typed quickly, blocking out the second guessing thoughts that surrounded my brain. Like usual, my heart had taken over.

Okay. Come over tomorrow.

I turned off my phone and stared at the ceiling until I finally fell asleep.