Doing Better

“Well, I guess this is it.” Lisa stared at herself in the mirror, sighing deeply as she adjusted her dress. She looked nervous, but happier than ever. Her eyes beamed with excitement as she twirled around, admiring her outfit.

I smiled wide. Seeing her in her wedding dress made my heart skip a beat. I couldn't believe it was finally time. I sat on the couch of the hotel room, drinking a glass of champagne as she got ready. Lisa's mom had gone to the church to make sure everything was running smoothly with the ceremony, while she and I were here with the hairdresser and makeup artist.

It was nearly noon and things were already picking up. The ceremony was at two and despite being ready appearance wise it felt like we had at least a thousand more things to do. Lisa scrambled around the hotel room, muttering various tasks she needed to complete out loud. Every so often she'd sit down, throwing her head in her hands to take a moment to breathe.

“You good?” I sat next to her on the edge of the bed.

“I'm so nervous. What if I fuck up my vows or fall when I'm walking down the isle.” She looked at me with widened eyes. “What if one of Alex's long lost lovers shows up and says she wants to be with him during the part where everyone is supposed to just hold their peace?”

I chuckled. “That's not going to happen.”

“You don't know that.”

When it was half past one we headed over to the church where the ceremony was being held. We snuck in through the side door and made our way to one of the rooms upstairs. Inside, the rest of Lisa's bridal party sat. Her mom ran over to her the second she entered the room, hugging her tightly, while her two cousins and other friends sat talking. I stood awkwardly near the entrance. Despite being best friend's with Lisa I'd never met any of her friends and family. I could tell they were surprised by her decision to make me the maid of honor, but nobody said anything. The four of them chatted, while I stared at my phone. It was nearly two, which meant it was time to get things going. I swallowed hard and tried to pretend like I wasn't nervous. I knew Jack was going to be here. I hadn't seen him in so long and even though I hadn't thought about him in a while, I couldn't get him out of my head. With him being the best man he and I were bound to bump into each other on more than one occasion tonight.

Once two o'clock hit we headed downstairs and huddled behind the entrance of the other room. We could hear muffled voices on the other side, followed by music. A woman wearing a fancy blue dress, smiled in our direction. She informed us on what was going to happen and the order we were supposed to walk down the isle. First it was Lisa's youngest cousin, followed by her other one, her friend, myself, and then her and her mom would walk down together. “Maid of honor, do you have the ring?” She turned to me.

I grabbed the ring box out of the pocket of my dress, nodding my head.

“Good. Okay. Let's get this show rolling.” The music grew louder and the double doors opened. Lisa's cousin's and friend slowly walked out one by one, smiling wide as everyone stared. I looked over at Lisa who looked down at the floor.

“You good?”

She looked up at me. “I'm freaking out, but in a good way.”

“Okay, good.” I smiled at her before I stepped out from behind the doors. I breathed heavily as I saw the people sitting in the pews. I took a couple of steps forward, feeling my knees shake from the amount of nerves I had building up. I glanced up at the front of the room where Alex and the rest of his friends stood. He looked almost as nervous as Lisa. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his slacks and he was biting his lip. I breathed heavily and looked at Jack. He was staring at me. Our eyes locked, which caused my stomach to drop. I quickly looked away and continued walking until I got to the end and stood next to the other girls.

Lisa followed me. The music changed and everyone in the pews stood up. We all watched as she nervously came out from behind the doors. She gripped her bouquet tightly as she walked forward. Her mom looped her arm around her's and they smiled at each other. I glanced over at Alex who definitely looked like he was on the verge of tears. I smiled slightly, looking back at Lisa, who was doing the same.

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes just watching them look at each other. They were so in love it killed me. To say I was jealous of them was an understatement. They had everything I ever wanted and more. I was so proud of them. After all these years they were finally getting married.

The ceremony was short and sweet. They read a couple of passages before exchanging their vows, during which the two of them started crying. The delivery wasn't perfect, but nobody cared, every moment was still beautiful. When they asked for the rings, Jack and I both offered them up. We made eye contact at that point. He smiled at me and I smiled back to be nice, but honestly I just wanted to curl up in a hole and hide.

When they kissed the whole room lit up in screams of excitement and clapping. The energy in the room was something else. Everyone radiated with such positivity that I started crying. My eyes teared up and instead of trying to hide them I just sort of let it happen. I smiled through it. Awkwardly wiping my eyes in between claps. I couldn't help it.

After the ceremony everyone kind of went on their own. Groups of people wandered into the other room down the hall where dancing and dinner would happen. A couple of people stayed behind and remained seated in the pews, casually talking to one another. Lisa and Alex left outside to go take photos, while the rest of the wedding party did their own thing. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it on. Awkwardly, I wandered to the back of the room and sat in the farthest pew to check my emails. I barely knew anybody here.

“Hey.”

I looked up and saw Jack. He looked down at me, his lips tightly pressed together to form the most uncomfortable smile I think I'd ever seen. He slouched forward, slowly sliding into the pew next to me. He left about a foot of space between us.

“Hi.” I swallowed hard.

“I, uh, you look good.” He nodded his head.

I raised my brow. “I do?”

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat, “I mean, you seem like you're doing really good.”

I shrugged.

“Yeah.” He breathed heavily, leaning his elbows on the back of the pew in front of him. He ran his fingers through his hair, staring forward as he opened his mouth. Almost instantly after he closed it and sighed deeply.

We sat silently. Every so often I'd glance between him and my phone. I wasn't entirely sure what he wanted me to do right now. I didn't really feel like talking to him. At least not today. I didn't want to make a huge scene during the most important day or our best friend's lives. It didn't seem fair.

“Sorry. I'll leave you alone.” He went to stand up, but by impulse I grabbed his arm. He looked at me and I retracted quickly, staring at the floor.

“Uh, I, uh-”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Do whatever you want.” I replied grumpily. I couldn't believe I just did that.

He stood for a couple of seconds, looking directly at me. He took a long, deep breath, slowly glancing at the door and then back at me. After a couple of moments he left without saying another word.

Once he was gone I felt like I could finally breathe again. I shoved my phone into my pocket and slouched down in my seat, throwing my head back. I looked at the roof for a good ten minutes, mentally punching myself in the face for grabbing his arm. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I let my body do that? Did I have no restraints at all?

I needed a drink. Despite knowing Jack was in the other room probably doing the same, I got up anyways. I wandered into the other room where half a dozen tables were set up on one side of the room. On the other, a dance floor, complete with disco lights and a DJ setup. I wandered to the bar and ordered a beer. I went to pull out a ten from purse, but the bartender declined, stating it was open bar. I smiled wide. I loved having rich friends.

I wandered around the room, glancing at the various groups of people that had formed throughout the room. The only people I knew were Jack, Rian, and Zack, but I wasn't about to go over there. I found my seat at the head table and sat down, sipping my beer quickly as I waited for Alex and Lisa to get done with their photo shoot.

An hour passed until they showed up. By then I'd had about three more drinks and had responded to about ten emails. Lisa ran over to me, sitting down in her chair. She smiled wide and pulled me in for a big hug.

“Please tell me you haven't just been sitting here drinking this whole time.” She muttered happily.

I rolled my eyes. “Me? Oh no.” I replied sarcastically. I pulled away from her hug and took another sip.

She laughed. “I knew the open bar was a bad idea.”

“I think it's the best idea you've ever had.” I finished my fourth drink and glanced past Lisa. Alex and Jack had sat down next to us, talking and laughing to themselves. I looked back and Lisa who raised her brow and moved closer to me.

“Have you talked yet?” She whispered.

“He sat down next to me earlier and it was super awkward. I'll tell you later. I'm going to get another drink.” I wandered back to the bar and grabbed a beer and a glass of wine. Once back at the table I handed Lisa the wine glass and sat down.

“I love you. It's so hard walking in these heels.”

“I took mine off like forty minutes ago.” I took a sip.

“Good call.” She kicked her shoes off under the table and sighed happily, sipping her wine. “This is the best day ever.”

Dinner started around five o'clock, followed by desert at six. Everyone spoke to one another as they ate. Every so often I'd pipe up and say something. Thanks to the large amount of alcohol in my system I care a lot less about what everyone thought. After dinner, the dance floor lit up. The DJ running it called Lisa and Alex over and the two of them performed their first dance together as a married couple. I didn't recognize the song, but it was a nice piano ballad. They slowly moved back and forth, smiling at each other as they did so. The song lasted for a couple of minutes, but after it was done and the song changed they two of them remained dancing. The song changed to a faster one and the two of them separated, wiggling next to each other. A couple groups of people joined them, laughing as they busted out their corniest dance moves.

I sat in my seat most of the night, laughing at everyone dancing. Every so often I'd get up and grab a beer, but other than that I kept to myself. At one point Alex came over to take a break. He sat down next to me and pulled me in for a big hug.

“You okay?” He asked.

I never felt completely comfortable talking to Alex about my problems, but I didn't want to bother Lisa. I took a deep breath and looked at him tiredly, shaking my head. I really wasn't okay. Seeing my best friend's getting married and having my sort of ex here as well had really taken a toll on me mentally. Plus, the alcohol definitely wasn't helping.

“What's up?”

“Seeing how happy you guys are, it's just, uh,” I swallowed hard, “it hurts a bit. I don't know.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, no. You don't have to apologize. Don't get me wrong. I'm so happy for you guys, but I can't help but feel like I'm so behind everybody?”

“How?”

“Like, you guys are married, I've been told Zack and Rian both have serious girlfriends, and Jack has uh-”

“Jack doesn't have anyone.”

I narrowed my eyes at Alex who glanced between me and the dance floor. I followed his gaze. He was looking at Jack who was standing next to Lisa, swaying back and forth boringly, looking his phone.

“What?”

“Jess and him broke up like two months ago.” Alex leaned his elbow on the table and rested his cheek in his hand. “He says it's because she wasn't ready to get married and freaked out.”

I nodded my head, listening carefully.

“It's total bullshit.” He laughed. “I know it is. He isn't the guy to just settle down with just anyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, him and Jess were just wrong. You know? Like, the never seemed like they actually liked each other. Whenever they were together they'd just fight and then have sex and be okay for a week and the whole cycle would happen again.” Alex looked over at Jack as he spoke. “I think things ended because he finally figured out she wasn't right for him.”

We sat in silence after that. I could tell Alex knew everything that happened between us. He wouldn't be telling me this if he hadn't. I sipped my beer, staring at Jack and his lack of interest when it came to the world around him. Every so often he'd put his phone down and dance around, but towards the end of every song he'd pull it back out of his pocket and ignore everyone. I couldn't help, but feel sorry for him. The two of us were in the same boat.

“I'm going to go dance. You want to come?” Alex stood up from his chair, loosening his tie.

I shook my head. “I'm okay.”

“Suit yourself.” He shrugged his shoulders and ran towards Lisa and Jack. He grabbed Lisa from behind and squeezed her tightly. He kissed her cheek a couple of times before she turned around. The two of them kissed and danced, while Jack grabbed his phone out of his pocket and walked over to the table. He sat down near me, leaving an empty chair between us. He didn't bother saying anything or looking over at me. I glanced at him quickly, before pulling out my own phone and looking at some more work emails.

My phone buzzed in my hand. It was a text from Jack. I bit my lip and opened it.

Can we talk outside?

I looked over at him. He stared at me tiredly. I nodded my head and the two of us stood up.

“Hold on. I just need to grab something.” He wandered over to the bar and grabbed something before walking back over to me. We silently left the church and wandered out into the courtyard out back. A few feet away sat a Gazebo, which we wondered towards. We sat next to each other. By now it was getting dark so I could barely see anything.

“Here.” He pulled a can out of his pocket. “I thought you'd like a Pabst.”

I smiled slightly. Grabbing it from his hands and cracking it open. He pulled another one out of his other pocket and did the same. We sipped in unison. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“I'm just, uh, going to come out and say it, okay?” He took a deep breath and turned his body to face mine. He set his beer down on the bench next to him.

“Okay.”

“I never stopped loving you.”

I didn't say anything.

“I started seeing Jess a long time ago. Before we started seeing each other.” He took another breath. “She was touring with us as a media consultant for our openers at the time and she and I got drunk and we had sex.”

“Okay.”

“We hooked up for years and after a while she wanted something more and I thought I could give it to her, but then I met you and things got complicated. I thought maybe if Jess broke up with me we could be together. It never happened though, so when you called me out on cheating I just assumed you were going to leave me so I proposed to her, because I thought maybe she was the one for me, despite everything. Like you leaving was a sign she was meant for me.”

“I didn't leave though.”

“I know, so that made things worse.” He took a sip of beer to calm himself down. “When you said you were okay with me hooking up with other people I was honestly so surprised. I never thought you'd give up your own happiness like that f-”

“I didn't give up my happiness.” I cut him off. “You were the only thing that made me happy.”

He looked at me for a long time before speaking again. “Jess and I broke up.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

I sighed. “Alex told me.”

“Fucking hell.” He shook his head. “Big mouthed fucking dick.”

“Did you tell him about us?”

“I mean, yeah.” He shrugged. “Did you tell Lisa?”

I nodded.

“He thinks I'm a fucking idiot.” Jack chuckled.

“You are.” I took a sip of my beer.

“I mean, so are you.”

“Fair enough.”

We sipped our beers, awkwardly glancing at one another. The tension between us was different than the last time we spoke. It wasn't as painful as before. I felt like I could actually talk to him without tripping over my words or bursting out into tears. It felt a bit normal.

“Look, what I'm trying to say is I'm still in love with you, like a lot and I know I've fucked up enough times for you to say no, but I want try this shit again. Like for real.” Jack placed his hand over top of mine, gripping it lightly. “Just me and you. No bullshit.”

I couldn't even look at him. My heart was pounding so quickly in my chest it felt like I was flat lining. I bunched my free hand into a fist next to me and closed my eyes tightly. I had no idea what was going on. Everything felt like it was moving so fast. My head spun in circles and my whole body became clammy. I remained silent. I couldn't say a word. Nothing would come out. I opened my mouth to try to say something, but the only thing that came out was a measly squeak.

Jack laughed. “You good?”

I turned to face him. The stubble on his face was thick and unkempt, just like the last time I'd seen him. The bags under his eyes were thick and the hair of his head stuck out in every direction. It looked like he hadn't taken care of himself properly for a while. I could tell he was stressed.

“I don't know.” Was all I could say.

Jack released his hand from mine and leaned back. “Okay.”

“I'm sorry. I just. I need to think.”

“No, no, it's fine. No rush.” I could tell he was disappointed. I would be too if I just confessed my love to my sort of ex girlfriend.

I was disappointed too. Deep down, despite wanting to leap into his arms and let him have me right there, I knew it wasn't right. I wanted to be with him so badly, but before I could I needed to know he was serious, because honestly I couldn't really trust him anymore. The amount of times he'd fucked me over was definitely enough to justify my decision and I think he knew that.

“I think I'm going to head home.” I nodded to myself. I needed to be alone for a while. “Let them know I'm sorry.”

“Okay.”

I stood up from the bench, adjusting my dress. I grabbed my beer and downed the rest of it before setting it back on the bench. “Thanks for the beer.”

“No problem.” He looked defeated.

I flashed him a closed lipped smile, resting my hand on his shoulder. I took a deep breath and closed me eyes. “I love you too and I promise I'll think about it.” I kissed him on the forehead quickly and walked around the side of the church towards the front parking lot. I never bothered looking back as I called for a cab and waited outside.

Once the cab showed up I got inside. I curled up in the seat behind the driver and silently cried the whole way home.