Doing Better

“Hey Frankie, I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. You left pretty early last night. Did you make it home safe? Please call me.” I deleted Lisa's voicemail and waited patiently as the next one played.

“Hey, it's Alex. Are you okay?“ Delete.

“Seriously Frankie, answer your phone. I need to know you're not dead. I'm your best friend for god sakes.” Delete.

“Hey, are you okay? I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now, but Lisa t-” Delete.

I laid tiredly in bed, staring at the ceiling as I ignored every single voicemail. I sent Lisa a quick message, telling her I was fine and to stop calling before throwing my phone across the room and groaning angrily. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I couldn't stop thinking about what Jack had said. He still loved me. Deep inside I knew it all along. I tried to ignore it, but now that it was out in the open I knew something had to happen. I needed to make a choice and quickly.

I felt like my head was going to explode. After crying for hours I got drunk by myself at home and passed out on my bathroom floor. I woke up around noon and threw up in my toilet for a good hour before finally grabbing some water and moving into the bed. It was nearly four now and despite the massive headache pounding all over my head I needed to focus.

What in the actual fuck was I going to do?

I sat up slowly and grabbed my phone at the end of my bed. Without hesitation I called Lisa. I really didn't want to tell her, but I knew she'd be honest with me and that was exactly what I needed.

“She lives!” She yelled.

“Ouch, fuck, shh. I have a headache.”

She laughed. “I told you the open bar was a terrible idea.”

“Yeah, whatever, shut up. I need to talk to you.”

“Spill.” She probably already knew this conversation was coming.

“Jack and I talked.”

“Yeah?”

“He explained to me about Jess and all that shit and he, uh, might of told me he still loves me and wants to get back together with me and honestly I'm fucking freaking out right now and I don't know what to do and I'm hungover as f-”

“Okay, calm down.”

“I can't.”

“Well, you need to.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“First off, are him and Jess over?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“I mean, yeah, Alex told me.”

“Okay then it's for sure.” She sighed deeply. “Second, do you still love him?”

“Yes.”

“Did you express this to him?”

“Yeah, but I also didn't give him a definitive answer on the whole getting together part.”

“Why is that?”

“I just don't know if I can go through all that shit again. Like, he said he wants it to just be me and him and I want to believe him, but I don't know if I can. It's so hard to just give him my all when he literally ripped me to pieces so many times.”

Lisa remained silent on the other end for a couple of moments, while I slowly got out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and wandered back to bed. I opened it up and took a long, much needed sip.

“Personally, I think you should talk to him some more. Be friendly with him. You guys haven't properly had a normal conversation in years. He's changed a lot.”

She had a point. I barely knew him. The only times we ever spoke always resulted in us fighting and me running away. Last night was the calmest conversation we'd had in nearly four years, which was crazy to think about. How long had it been since I did anything with him other than fight? How long had it been since I kissed or hugged him or held his hand? I sighed deeply.

“You're right.”

“I know.”

“Fuck.”

“What?”

“I just, I don't know. I feel like I'm going to fuck it up.”

“How?”

“Like I'm going to start something with him and then somethings going to happen and I'm just going to fuck off and everything will get bad again.”

“Well, you won't know unless you try, sweetie.”

I said goodbye to Lisa after that and threw my phone on the bed beside me. I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes. I ran through every possible scenario in my head. Most of them ended with Jack and I screaming at each other, which really stressed me out. No matter how hard I thought things would work out my brain just denied it. It was like it was conditioned to expect the worse.

I laid in bed for a couple more hours. Every so often I would check my phone to see if I had any messages from Lisa or Alex, but mostly Jack. I wanted him to contact me so I wouldn't have to do it myself. The idea of calling or messaging him made my insides hurt. I didn't want to do it. Not because I didn't want to try things out, but because I didn't want to give him the benefit of me coming back so soon. It sounded stupid, but I didn't want to seem to eager.

Hours passed and so did days and weeks. Neither of us broke. Every so often I hover over his number, staring at my phone, hoping it would ring or that I would have the balls to dial the number and just tell him to come over. I couldn't do it though. During the day I would work my ass off and then come home and just cry. Lisa would come over and comfort me sometimes, but after a while I stopped asking. I didn't want her to see me act so stupid, because that was what the whole situation was at that point. Me acting stupid.

I wanted so badly just to forget that everything happened, but it was hard.

When June hit, I finally felt like myself again. I knew for a fact that Jack was busy touring, so even if we wanted to talk, we wouldn't have a lot of time. For a while, it felt like I could avoid the problem. I took a couple of weeks off work to relax. I thought about leaving town, maybe even go overseas or something, but that was all it came to; just a thought. I stayed at home most of the time, leaving the house every so often to get coffee or go shopping. Life had become mundane and normal and I really liked it.

One night, I took myself out for dinner at some restaurant down the street. I ate loads of pasta and drank so much beer that when I left to go home I was basically stumbling down the street. When I got to my apartment I passed out on the couch within minutes.

A couple hours later I heard someone knocking on my door frantically. Still drunk, I wandered to my door. I pulled my phone out of my pocket on the way there, blinking a couple of times. It was nearly two in the morning. I unlocked the door and opened it.

Jack pushed his way into the room, closing the space between us. He grabbed my chin tightly and brought it up to his face. Our lips crashed into each other and I could feel my entire body melt. I didn't fight it. I wrapped my arms around his waist and continued kissing him until neither one of us could breathe. He pulled away, pressing his forehead against mine.

“You are such a bitch.”

“I'm sorry.” I mumbled.

“Why didn't you call me? Or text me even? You never said anything. I had to fucking ask Lisa what was going on in that stupid head of yours.”

I grabbed his wrists tightly in my hands and closed my eyes. Being this close to him made all the bad things go away. Everything he ever did to me was gone, leaving only the good things.

“I love you so fucking much. I want this to work, okay?”

I opened my eyes and stared. He was crying. I bit my bottom lip and nodded my head slightly. I knew he wasn't lying. “Okay.”

He pulled me in for another kiss, which only lasted for a couple of seconds. I was overheating from the amount of alcohol and anxiety and I could barely breathe. I pulled away and grabbed both of his hands, pushing them away from my face.

“I'm really drunk and I need to lay down.”

He laughed and led me into the bedroom. I laid down in bed and he tucked me in, leaving the room for a quick second to grab me some water and painkillers. I took them without hesitation before laying back in bed. He laid down next to me, wrapping his arm around me. Our foreheads touching.

“I know you're drunk right now, but I need an answer.”

“Hm?”

“Oh my god.” He rolled his eyes.

I laughed. “Yes, yes. Calm down.”

“You're literally the worst.”

“I know. I'm sorry. I just freaked out and left and I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to say yes, because I thought you would do the same stuff you did last time, but then I talked to Lisa and she made some good points and here we are.” I mumbled drunkenly.

“Okay,” he chuckled, “go to sleep then. We'll talk in the morning.”

“Alright. Goodnight.”

“Night. Love you.”

“I love you too.”

The next morning I woke up to the sound of Jack on the phone in the other room. I rolled onto my stomach and grabbed my phone from the side table. I squinted my eyes as I glanced at the time on the screen. It was nearly noon. I groaned quietly as I threw my phone beside me and sat up on the edge of my bed. My head pounded loudly in my ears and the whole world spun around me. I felt awful. I stumbled to my bedroom door and rested my head against it. I could hear Jack talking loudly.

“No she's still asleep.” He scoffed. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “I know, I know. I'm going to do it, okay. Just shut up. I'll call you back.”

I heard him walk across the room, causing my heart beat to accelerate. I quickly launched myself onto the bed as quietly as I could and grabbed my phone. I pulled up an email and began fake reading. At that moment he opened the door and we smiled at each other.

“Morning.” He walked over to the bed, sitting down next to me.

“Hi.”

“How you feeling?” He ran his fingers through my hair, smiling even more than before.

I shrugged my shoulders as I put my phone back on the side table. To be honest I felt like I was going to die. He laid down next to me and pulled me into him. I rested my head against his chest, feeling his heartbeat against my ear. I closed my eyes and matched my breathing to his, feeling instantly more calm.

“So, uh, about last night.”

“Hm?”

“Do you have an answer?”

I opened my eyes and stared at the wall in front of me. I wanted to be with him. Everything in my life seemed meaningless compared to him. Even though he drove me up the wall and made my life harder, I knew he would be worth it in the end. I knew that from the moment I met him he was different. He had this certain way about him that just drew me to him. I never knew what it was and to be honest I still don't, but it's there and I couldn't ignore it.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

I sat up next to him and grabbed his hand in mine. “Yes.” I repeated.