Doing Better

I nervously played with the hem of my dress as I stared at the wall across from me. A picture of Martin and his girlfriend Emma hung on the wall. The two of them looking happy as ever. It was autumn and they were dressed in black pants and plaid shirts and the two of them were kissing. Emma was holding out her hand, on it a giant diamond ring. I smiled to myself. They seemed so in love.

“Hey.” Lisa placed her hand on my shoulder. A glass of wine was in her other hand. She pulled me in for a quick side hug. “You good?”

I shrugged. The last few months had been really difficult. After that night with Jack my attraction to him only grew more. We had sex a couple more times before he and the rest of the band left to go on tour. We'd talk every so often over text, but something felt off. I wasn't sure what it was or if it was even anything to begin with, but it made me feel uncomfortable.

“Listen, we need to talk, I think.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. Her and Alex were in constant communication and sometimes she'd give me updates on what Jack was up to if I hadn't heard from him in a while. Nothing out of the ordinary really happened, so it wasn't weird when she told me stuff, but I could sense something was off.

“Okay.”

“They're coming here in a bit to surprise Martin.”

I wasn't sure how to react. I was surprised honestly. They weren't expected home for another three weeks. I was excited, but obviously nervous. Ever since I said goodbye I'd been trying to figure out how to say hello again when they got back. It felt weird. Sort of rushed in a way.

“Are you going to be okay?”

I breathed heavily. It felt like I was about to have a panic attack, which was something that had been starting to happen recently. It happened once when I was at work. I just stopped breathing and my whole body to sweat and tingle and I felt like I was dying. I went to the hospital, because I genuinely thought something was wrong with my heart or lungs or something. When I got there the doctor's prescribed me some medication to calm me down and ever since then they've been happening once or twice a week.

“I don't know,” I replied. Lisa was really helpful this time around. With her Alex used to the distance she was getting a lot better at handling. I however, was not. Having Jack so far away made me feel things I didn't want to feel. “I'm nervous.”

“You're allowed to be.” She gave me a tight hug. “C'mon let's go see everyone.”

We made our way into the living room where everyone was gathered in groups. A lot of Emma's friends and family were here. She was an extremely social butterfly with lots of connections. Martin was pretty social too, but kept his circle a lot smaller, so there wasn't a lot of us here. Maybe about a dozen. Martin rested his hand on the small of Emma's back, pulling her close to him as they talked to an elderly couple of glasses of wine. Something about Emma made him look so sophisticated.

For the next hour Lisa and I darted between different groups, talking about various things like work and movies and other things that adults tended to talk about when they didn't really know each other. A lot of the time I kind of stood next to her in silence, while she chatted. Every so often she'd give my hand a squeeze, reassuring me everything was going to be alright. I honestly wasn't sure.

I made my way into the kitchen alone at some point to grab some water. I watched the various crowds of people as they talked and talked. All I wanted to do at this point was go home. I wasn't up to being around everyone, especially not Jack. At least not yet. I pulled out my phone and checked the time. It was nearly eight.

All of a sudden I heard Martin scream excitedly. My chest clenched up and I could feel the attack coming. My eyes darted the room in search of Lisa who scoped me out instantly and ran towards me. I grabbed her hand and pulled her out the side door towards the patio. I closed the door behind me and breathed heavily. I closed my eyes, feeling my head spin. I slid down the door until I was sitting on the ground, holding my head.

“What do you need?”

“Water.”

She lightly pushed me out of the way and opened the door. I heard people yelling excitedly and water running. I breathed heavily, forming my lips into an O shape. I counted my breaths for a couple of moments while I waited for Lisa.

“It's okay, here.” she handed me the glass of water and took sips in between my breathing until I felt a little better. I opened my eyes and gave her a small smile. “They're getting worse, aren't they?”

I nodded my head, sipping the water again, but slower. “I don't know what to do.” I said quietly.

“He's really fucked you up.” She sat down next to me, grabbing my hand tightly.

“It's not his fault.” I reassured her. At least I didn't think it was. It wasn't like anything bad happened between us. We just weren't necessarily on the same page right now. A lot of my anxiety I think was always inside me. I was always nervous and quiet and afraid to speak in fear of looking stupid. Maybe this was just the pivotal moment where it all just kind of let itself out.

“Are you going to talk to him?”

“I d-”

“What are you doing on the ground?” Jack's voice erupted and everything went away. All of my insecurities, all of my worries, all of my stresses. It was like a wave of relief. I stood up and hugged him tightly, nuzzling my face in his chest. “Hey, what's wrong?”

Lisa stood up, wiping some dirt off her dress. “I'll leave you to it.” She patted me on the shoulder and made her way into the house, closing the door behind her.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I'm sorry.”

“For what?”

I peeled myself away from him and sighed deeply. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my dress and gathered my thoughts. “The whole time you were away I missed you and I've been a wreck without you and I don't want you to feel like all that's your fault, because it isn't, but what you said that night about us not being made for each other and how we shouldn't rush into things doesn't sit well with me.” I took a deep breath. I felt like I was talking a mile a minute. “And please don't feel bad or pity me or whatever, but I don't know if I can be around you if you don't do this with me. I can't not give my all to someone. I can't put my guard up around you sometimes and no other times I ca-”

“You don't have to do that.” Jack interrupted. He looked sort of annoyed.

“I do though.” I was almost at the point of tears. “I like you so much that I need you, but you don't need me and that isn't fair for either of us? So what's the point?”

“What makes you think I don't need you?”

“Because you don't want to be with me!” I yelled.

“Those are two different things Frankie!” He yelled back. He grabbed me by the shoulders tightly. “The needs and wants of a person are completely different and they're interchangeable. You may need something, but not want it, but later want it and need it or want nothing to do with it.”

“That's what I'm afraid of.” Tears started rolling down my face. I had no idea what was going on. All the words coming out of my mouth felt like vomit. Looking back, I barely remembered them. The only thing I remembered was the look he gave me after I told him I was afraid. His eyes softened. He no longer angry, but hurt.

“You're afraid of me?”

“I'm afraid of what you'll do to me.” I responded.

The silence between us was no longer comfortable like it used to be. There was this thick fog of sadness and anger and I didn't know what to do about it. We stood there for a while. He held me close against his chest, while I forced myself not to cry. I remained still for a while before wrapping my arms around his hips and breathing heavily.

“I'm sorry. I don't know what my brain is doing.”

“It's okay.”

“Okay.” I knew it wasn't okay. Nothing was okay, at least on my end. I was hopelessly attached to him and despite knowing he cared for me I knew he couldn't give me his all. He just wasn't like that. It was like he was two different people. When he was physically there he was nice and caring and perfect, but when he wasn't he was a ghost. Out of sight out of mind was what I was to him and I knew it. I just didn't want to accept it.

After I calmed down we talked about the tour and how it went. Jack excitedly explained everything to me, making sure to not leave any important details out. He talked about the cities, the drives in between, the fans, the shows. It all sounded so amazing and I couldn't help, but feel happy for him as he spoke. All he ever wanted to do was play music with his friends and now he was doing it.

“We should head inside probably.” He reached for the door. I didn't protest. He opened it and the two of us joined everyone else inside. At this point most people were a bit tipsy and the volume of the room had grown a couple of decimals. Emma and Martin stood in the corner with Zack and Rian, while Lisa and Alex would probably upstairs doing god knows what. Everyone else in between talked among themselves.

“I might head home.” I pulled at Jack's sleeve. He turned towards me and frowned. I knew he wasn't happy with how this night had turned out, but I couldn't help it. Something in my brain was fucking up the rest of me and without a proper solution I had become a crazy person. I didn't want to be this way around him. I didn't want him to think I was stupid. “See you around?”

He sighed as he pulled me in for a hug. He kissed my forehead. “Yeah, text me.”

I nodded and left.