Doing Better

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Martin and Emma embraced passionately as they stood at the front of the alter. Their arms tangled around each other and they smiled wide as their lips crashed into each others. I glanced over at Lisa who sat next to me. She wiped her eyes with the back of her and then clapped her hands together excitedly. She loved weddings.

The ceremony was long and uneventful so I was glad it was finally over. The two of us ushered out of the room quickly and made a b-line for the bar. It was open, which was probably the one only reason I showed up.

Over the years Martin and I hadn't talked much. Lisa and him were still close, but since our schedules were so opposite we never had the time to see each other. Plus, with him being married and all most of us his free time was spent with Emma. We were both pretty fine with it though. We'd shoot a text to each other every so often and meet up for lunch if I had time, but other than that we'd become two completely different people.

I grabbed a beer from the bar, while Lisa had wine and the two of us went to the dining hall where about a dozen tables were set up. We scanned the names on the table in search of our seats. We were near the front next to the dance floor.

“Do you know if Jack's coming?”

I shrugged my shoulders. Jack and I hadn't really talked much at this point either. When he was in town we'd occasionally meet up and have sex, but the talking portion of our friendship had pretty much gone out the window since the engagement party. I knew it was my fault, but at this point it'd been almost a year and I was pretty much over it. We just weren't meant to be. The sex was great, but all the feelings that were once there had died down.

“Do you guys still hang out?”

I shook my head. I pretended like we weren't in contact at all. It was easier that way. I knew if Lisa knew about us having sex she would tell me how much of an idiot I was being and she was just mother me. I didn't really want that.

She pulled her phone out of her purse and glanced at the screen. After a couple of seconds she began composing a message and then put her phone face down on the table. She leaned back in her chair and let out a small yawn. “You like the ceremony?”

I rolled my eyes. “How do you like that stuff?” I asked. “It's so boring.”

“I love it. It's so nice to hear that other people's love stories.” She smiled wide. She was such a hopeless romantic.

“Gross.” I downed my beer and walked to the bar to get another one. The lineup was getting pretty long. I stood behind a young couple I didn't recognize. The two of them giggled to one another and held hands. They seemed happy. I sighed deeply and pulled out my phone. I had a couple of messages from people at work as well as a missed call from what I'm pretty sure was one of the work phones in the office.

We were working on one of our biggest projects to date and I was already over it. Even though I'd only been at the office for a little over a year I was already higher up the the employee scale. I worked hard when I was there and people always came to me for advice. I kind of liked it, being on top, but right now I was so stressed with deadlines that it had become more of a burden than anything. The last few days I'd been bombarded with messages. People asking if I could proof read their stuff or advice on pictures or colour schemes. It got to a point where I just had to shut it all down and ignore everything, which wasn't like me at all.

I got to the front of the line and ordered myself a beer and a wine for Lisa. The bartender smiled as I threw a couple dollars in his tip jar before wandering back to the table. A couple more people had joined us. Zack and Rian and their dates were there as well as Alex who was already cuddling up to Lisa. I sat down and handed her her wine. She smiled wide as we both took sips in unison.

“Hey Frankie, how are you?” I hadn't seen Alex in forever. I missed him. He stood from his chair and leaned down to give me a big hug. I tightened my grip on him and breathed him in. He smelt like fancy cologne and vanilla.

“I'm good. How are you?”

“Great. Just got home about a week ago so we've been enjoying some chill time.”

“What chill time you've gone out drinking like every night this week?” Rian laughed.

“That is my chill time.” He replied. “What have you been up to?”

“Work mostly. We have a bunch of deadlines to make so the office is kind of going insane right now.” I groaned just thinking about it. I knew when I got back I was going to be attacked by everyone. “Other than that not a whole lot.”

We talked for a little longer after that. The guys caught us up to date with all the band news. They were working on another album and planning yet another tour. A couple of companies had sought them out for endorsements and the record label was really proud of them. Everything seemed to be going great. I zoned out after a while though. They continued talking, while I pulled out my phone and checked a couple of messages. Despite sometimes hating my job I could never get away from it. Not knowing what was going on was eating me alive. I replied to a couple of easy problems and made note of things to say to the ones that were a bit more detailed. After a while though, I got bored of that too and made my way back to the bar line to grab another drink.

I waited for about five minutes until I got another beer and headed back to the table. When I got back Lisa was staring at me wide eyed. I sat down next to her and she grabbed my arm. “Bathroom.” She mouthed silently.

I sighed deeply and the two of us wandered around the building until we found the quietest bathroom. It was upstairs and had just two stalls and a lock on the entrance. Lisa locked it and started pacing back and forth.

“What's wrong?”

“Okay, so, uh Jack is coming and he's bringing someone.”

I swallowed hard. He was bringing someone? Like an actual date? Honestly I was both surprised and not. On one hand, he never dated anyone. According to both Lisa and Alex he'd only ever had one girlfriend and that was for two weeks during high school. Apparently the closest thing he'd had to a girlfriend since then was me. On the other hand, he could do whatever he wanted. Just because he didn't like me it didn't mean he couldn't like someone else. I wasn't his only option and he wasn't mine. We were two separate people.

“You good?”

“I mean, I guess.” I wasn't sure if I was actually okay. I think I was more annoyed than anything for not bringing a date of my own. For some odd reason I just assumed he wouldn't bring one. I don't know. I guess I just had this vision of us fucking in a closet somewhere by the end of the night and just having fun.

“No you're not.” Lisa pointed a finger at me. “You haven't been fine in a year. You never talk to me about anything anymore. You're constantly working. You don't give a shit about anything anymore. What's wrong?”

She wasn't wrong. I did care too much about work. I knew that if I was constantly distracted I didn't have to think about anything. I could just mindlessly do my thing and then come home and sleep and repeat the whole process. It was easier this way.

“Frankie.” She grabbed me by the shoulders.

“Things between Jack and I never stopped.” I knew I was going to regret telling her, but right now I just needed to talk. “We don't talk anymore, but he have sex a lot. We talked that night at the engagement party and I told him I was afraid to like him, because he wouldn't date me and things got weird between us.”

Lisa stood in silence for a couple of moments before speaking. “I don't think that's a good idea.”

“I know it's not.” I retorted angrily. “I don't want to lose him though. Even if we're just physical he's still there. I still have him in my life.”

“But do you want it to be that way?”

“I don't know.” I threw my head in my hands and breathed heavily. My panic attacks were definitely much more under control since then, but every so often they'd come back with a vengeance. “I just need him sometimes and having sex with him is the only way he'll stay around and even though I know that isn't enough for me I keep doing it, because I'm a fucking idiot.”

Lisa pulled me into a hug. I knew she knew this whole thing was an awful idea, but she was smart enough just to listen. “Do you want me to take you home? Are you going to be okay?”

I honestly wasn't sure. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to show him that I was okay with just being his friend, because the truth was I missed him so much. I missed hearing his stories and talking and just being around him with jumping into bed with him. I missed his smile and how we used to just stand next to each other and enjoy each others company. I missed him so fucking much.

“I want to go home, I think.” I didn't want to risk it. The fear of breaking down into tears was too much for me. I knew that in combination with the anxiety I felt would ruin everyone's night. I didn't want to be that person, especially for Martin and Emma. It was their night to enjoy themselves.

Lisa nodded her head and pulled out her phone. She put it to her ear and glanced at me. “Hey babe, Frankie isn't feeling too well so I'm going to take her home and then come back, okay?” I heard Alex mumble something on the other end, followed by some laughed. Lisa smiled and said bye and then gripped my hand tightly. The two of us made our way out of the building and into the parking lot. She pulled her eyes out of her purse and unlocked the door. We crawled inside.

“You okay to drive?”

“Yeah. All I had was too glasses of wine.” She threw on her seat belt and threw her car in reverse before adjusting herself forward again and pulling out onto the highway. We drove in silence the whole way there. When get got to my building I thanked her and left without saying another word. I lazily walked up the stairs to the second floor and opened the door of my apartment once I got there. The second I was inside the tears began and I walked into the bathroom to clean the makeup off my face and change into my sweats.

I cried for hours. I cooked a frozen pizza and cracked open a couple of beers, while watching a couple of true crime documentaries on Netflix. By the end of the night my head was pounding and I was significantly drunk. I laid on the couch heavily and scrolled through Instagram on my phone. A couple of people had posted pictures of the wedding, which caused me to start crying again. Jack was in a couple of pictures, but was always alone. The girl he was with was nowhere to be seen. I was kind of thankful for that. I didn't know what I would do if I saw her. What if she was prettier than me? What if she was funnier or smarter? I threw my phone on the counter and continued to cry. I felt so stupid. I was comparing myself to some girl who was on a completely different level than me. She was with him and I wasn't. She won. Not that we were competing. She probably didn't even know I existed.

An eruption of knocks sounded from the other side of the door. I sat up quickly as my heart pounded. Reluctantly I wiped my face and made my way to the door. I took a deep breath before throwing it open and seeing Jack standing on the other side.

“Why didn't you stay?” Was all he asked.

I sniffed. “I can't see you with someone else.”

He stared blankly. I had no clue how he was feeling.

“I can't see you with someone else, because I know how you make them feel. You make me feel that way every day. I can't stop thinking about you and I feel so stupid, because I don't even flash across your mind anymore. We don't talk. We just have sex and you leave and it hurts.” I was crying again. “I can't do it.”

He kissed me hard and I didn't protest. I couldn't. No matter what my head was telling me my heart would argue. I think I loved him. It was weird admitting that, especially under the circumstances. He brought me to the bedroom where we laid on our sides and kissed for what felt like hours. We cuddled under the covers and soaked up each others warmth. I slipped my hand under his shirt as we kissed. His skin was soft.

We had sex. It felt like it usually did. I could tell despite what I said nothing was going to change. This was just how things went between us. I'd talk, he'd listen, we'd fuck, and then he'd leave. Everything would repeat itself. We were stuck.

He left a little bit after midnight. Told me he had to go, but that we'd properly talk. I didn't expect us to. He was good at making empty promises. When he left I felt like crumbling again. I sat on the floor of my bathroom and curled up into my ball, resting my forehead against my knees as I hug my body tight.