Doing Better
needed me
“After a brief altercation with security, Jack Barakat was arrested late Friday night for public intoxication. Sources say his band mate and long time best friend Alex Gaskarth arrived at the station later that morning. He had no comment.”
I grabbed my phone and called Alex. The phone rang twice, before he picked up. “Hello?”
“Is Jack okay?” I knew it was stupid of me to call, but I did anyway. I was at work, scrolling through various Facebook articles for inspiration when I came across the Alternative Press page. It was a magazine I often checked in hopes of hearing more about All Time Low and their successes. I was proud of them. In the few years that I'd known them they'd done nothing, but build their career. Everything written about them was so positive. It felt like nothing could go wrong.
Well, almost nothing.
Alex let out a long, heavy sigh. “Uh, not really.” I could tell he was frustrated. I would be too if I were in his position. “He's destroying himself, Frankie. I can't get through to him. He won't listen to me. He won't listen to anybody.” It sounded like he was going to cry. I wanted to hold his hand or give him a hug or just be there in any way I could for him. For both of them.
I swallowed hard. “Do you think he would listen to me?”
Alex was silent for a couple of moments. I could tell he was weighing out the pros and cons. Neither of us were sure if it was a good idea. It could honestly go both ways, Jack was pretty unpredictable when it came to normal things, so an outcome like this was really hard to determine. “I'll talk to him.”
“Okay.”
I tried to focus on work after that, but it just wasn't happening. I read a couple more articles explaining the incident, but none had enough detail. All I knew was that he'd gotten too drunk to be let into one of the bars downtown, but instead of just leaving like a normal person he freaked out. He started swearing and threatening security until the cops showed up. At this point he was far too out of control and began thrashing around. He punched a bouncer, some random guy in the line who tried to calm him down, and police officer.
I asked my boss if I could leave early. I made some fake excuse that I wasn't feeling well, which she bought instantly. In the years that I'd been here I'd never taken a sick day unless absolutely necessary. Even on my worst hangovers I'd show up. After saying a quick thank-you I walked home tiredly. My brain had been on high alert all day. I'd mentally run myself into the ground. I lazily dragged my legs along the pavement as I yawned. It was only half past one and I was already ready to curl up into bed. I made a stop at the coffee place by my house and purchased the largest, darkest coffee possible. When I got home I poured it into a mug and brought it to bed with me. I took a sip before setting it on my nightstand. As I snuggled into my bed the phone rang. I pulled it out of my back pocket, glancing at the name.
Jack. I nearly passed out. I blinked a couple of times, making sure I wasn't dreaming. The name still flashed clearly on the screen. I swallowed hard and answered it. I couldn't find the words to speak though. It was like my vocal chords had knotted themselves in my throat, forcing me to remain silent.
“Frankie?”
“Mhm.” Was all I could muster up.
“I'm sorry.” I could hear him sobbing. “I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry.”
My stomach dropped.
“Can we talk? I just need to talk to you, please.” He sniffed loudly. “I just, Alex said you'd be willing to talk and I just... I know I fucked up. I'm truly sorry. I just need to see you. Please Frankie. I pro-”
I couldn't stand to listen to him. It broke my heart hearing him so vulnerable and desperate. I could tell there was something wrong with him. He sounded so depressed. He sounded like me around this time last year. At Martin's engagement party. I'd felt so awful and confused and anxious and by the sound of Jack's voice I knew that was how he must have been feeling. I couldn't just ignore him. I needed to help him.
“Okay.”
“I can meet you somewhere.” He sniffed again, followed by a long string of coughs.
“Just come over to my house.” I knew he'd be much comfortable talking here. If he was this emotional over the phone, who knew how riled up he'd get when he saw me in person. I didn't want to go public, especially after what had happened this morning. The paparazzi would be swarming him, which would probably make for an uncomfortable situation.
“Come around seven. I'll order pizza or something.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks Frankie.”
I shrugged to myself. “No problem. See you.” I hung up the phone and took a couple of sips of coffee. I couldn't believe I was going to see him again. It'd been so long since we'd talked I almost forgot he was a person sometimes. If it wasn't for the constant interactions with Lisa and Alex I'd probably had forgotten all about him by now, especially with Landon in the picture.
I froze, the thought of Landon knowing that Jack was coming over put a bad taste in my mouth. My heart sped up a bit, causing my anxiety to stir up again. I'd be a while since I felt any sort of panic. The constant distraction of work and Landon's tender personality made it kind of die down a lot. Even at it's worst it was always bearable with him around. I appreciated it so much.
So why was I letting Jack come back? He did nothing, but disrespect me in ways I could never imagine. He used me for years to his own benefit and for what? Nothing. I meant nothing to him. So why did I feel like him coming over was a good idea? What did I expect from all this? I had everything I ever wanted, a good job, a good place, a good boyfriend. What did I need him for? What could he do to make things better for me that Landon couldn't? Why was I comparing the two of them? How did Jack always managed to get in my head?
I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them, resting my forehead against my thighs. I thought long and hard about everything. How I was going to handle tonight. How I was going to be honest with Landon about the whole thing. How I was just going make sure everything went smoothly. How I was not -under any circumstances- going to let Jack take advantage of me.
I grabbed my phone and called Alex. The phone rang twice, before he picked up. “Hello?”
“Is Jack okay?” I knew it was stupid of me to call, but I did anyway. I was at work, scrolling through various Facebook articles for inspiration when I came across the Alternative Press page. It was a magazine I often checked in hopes of hearing more about All Time Low and their successes. I was proud of them. In the few years that I'd known them they'd done nothing, but build their career. Everything written about them was so positive. It felt like nothing could go wrong.
Well, almost nothing.
Alex let out a long, heavy sigh. “Uh, not really.” I could tell he was frustrated. I would be too if I were in his position. “He's destroying himself, Frankie. I can't get through to him. He won't listen to me. He won't listen to anybody.” It sounded like he was going to cry. I wanted to hold his hand or give him a hug or just be there in any way I could for him. For both of them.
I swallowed hard. “Do you think he would listen to me?”
Alex was silent for a couple of moments. I could tell he was weighing out the pros and cons. Neither of us were sure if it was a good idea. It could honestly go both ways, Jack was pretty unpredictable when it came to normal things, so an outcome like this was really hard to determine. “I'll talk to him.”
“Okay.”
I tried to focus on work after that, but it just wasn't happening. I read a couple more articles explaining the incident, but none had enough detail. All I knew was that he'd gotten too drunk to be let into one of the bars downtown, but instead of just leaving like a normal person he freaked out. He started swearing and threatening security until the cops showed up. At this point he was far too out of control and began thrashing around. He punched a bouncer, some random guy in the line who tried to calm him down, and police officer.
I asked my boss if I could leave early. I made some fake excuse that I wasn't feeling well, which she bought instantly. In the years that I'd been here I'd never taken a sick day unless absolutely necessary. Even on my worst hangovers I'd show up. After saying a quick thank-you I walked home tiredly. My brain had been on high alert all day. I'd mentally run myself into the ground. I lazily dragged my legs along the pavement as I yawned. It was only half past one and I was already ready to curl up into bed. I made a stop at the coffee place by my house and purchased the largest, darkest coffee possible. When I got home I poured it into a mug and brought it to bed with me. I took a sip before setting it on my nightstand. As I snuggled into my bed the phone rang. I pulled it out of my back pocket, glancing at the name.
Jack. I nearly passed out. I blinked a couple of times, making sure I wasn't dreaming. The name still flashed clearly on the screen. I swallowed hard and answered it. I couldn't find the words to speak though. It was like my vocal chords had knotted themselves in my throat, forcing me to remain silent.
“Frankie?”
“Mhm.” Was all I could muster up.
“I'm sorry.” I could hear him sobbing. “I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry.”
My stomach dropped.
“Can we talk? I just need to talk to you, please.” He sniffed loudly. “I just, Alex said you'd be willing to talk and I just... I know I fucked up. I'm truly sorry. I just need to see you. Please Frankie. I pro-”
I couldn't stand to listen to him. It broke my heart hearing him so vulnerable and desperate. I could tell there was something wrong with him. He sounded so depressed. He sounded like me around this time last year. At Martin's engagement party. I'd felt so awful and confused and anxious and by the sound of Jack's voice I knew that was how he must have been feeling. I couldn't just ignore him. I needed to help him.
“Okay.”
“I can meet you somewhere.” He sniffed again, followed by a long string of coughs.
“Just come over to my house.” I knew he'd be much comfortable talking here. If he was this emotional over the phone, who knew how riled up he'd get when he saw me in person. I didn't want to go public, especially after what had happened this morning. The paparazzi would be swarming him, which would probably make for an uncomfortable situation.
“Come around seven. I'll order pizza or something.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks Frankie.”
I shrugged to myself. “No problem. See you.” I hung up the phone and took a couple of sips of coffee. I couldn't believe I was going to see him again. It'd been so long since we'd talked I almost forgot he was a person sometimes. If it wasn't for the constant interactions with Lisa and Alex I'd probably had forgotten all about him by now, especially with Landon in the picture.
I froze, the thought of Landon knowing that Jack was coming over put a bad taste in my mouth. My heart sped up a bit, causing my anxiety to stir up again. I'd be a while since I felt any sort of panic. The constant distraction of work and Landon's tender personality made it kind of die down a lot. Even at it's worst it was always bearable with him around. I appreciated it so much.
So why was I letting Jack come back? He did nothing, but disrespect me in ways I could never imagine. He used me for years to his own benefit and for what? Nothing. I meant nothing to him. So why did I feel like him coming over was a good idea? What did I expect from all this? I had everything I ever wanted, a good job, a good place, a good boyfriend. What did I need him for? What could he do to make things better for me that Landon couldn't? Why was I comparing the two of them? How did Jack always managed to get in my head?
I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them, resting my forehead against my thighs. I thought long and hard about everything. How I was going to handle tonight. How I was going to be honest with Landon about the whole thing. How I was just going make sure everything went smoothly. How I was not -under any circumstances- going to let Jack take advantage of me.