Meant to Be

Tony looked into Chick’s room through the hall window. She had dark circles around her eyes and her skin looked worn out. The expression on her face was lifeless. Her eyes were open, staring blankly out the window. It was a cloudy day. It had been raining on and off since Tony had landed.

He had just talked to one of her doctors about the panic attack she’d had. Something about seeing the Winter Soldier, feeling shooting “pains” in her whole body. He had asked Barnes if he had went anywhere near her, but he denied it.

Tony didn’t believe him.

He unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt, feeling stifled and uncharacteristically bummed. He took off his sports coat and tossed it onto one of the hallway chairs. He undid the buttons around his wrists and rolled up his sleeves. He slid his phone into his pants pocket and took in a deep breath before slowly walking into Chick’s room.

The silence was thick, even with the steady beeping from the machines. But, Tony didn’t break the silence. His shoes padded across the tiling to the chair next to her bed. He sat and scratched the back of his neck, unsure of what to say.

“I thought I was just meant to feel pain for the rest of my life,” Chick said quietly. She sounded small, but her voice rang through the silence. “I had come to accept it, I guess. Now… I don’t feel anything. No pain, no excitement, no happiness, no fear, nothing. Not until my brain goes into panic mode. Then… I feel everything. Too much. All I can feel is anger.” Tony didn’t comment.

“I was a guinea pig, right?” she asked after a long period of silence, turning to him.

“I never said that,” Tony said with a sigh.

“But that’s what I was to you, right?”

“Charlotte, you were an opportunity to be better.”

“A damaged opportunity, it seems,” she responded glibly.

Tony said nothing else.

“Is he here?” she asked cautiously, staring at Tony intently. “The Winter Soldier- is he here?”

Still, Tony did not comment.

“I’ve had quite some time to myself, Mr. Stark. A lot of time to think. Things seem a little clearer now.”

“I think you can call me Tony by now,” he interjected. She blinked slowly at him.

“Part of me wants to thank you, Mr. Stark. Trust me, I still see the good you’ve done for me- for all of us. But, there’s also another part of me that wants to hurt you.” Chick’s face was stoic, calm. “Part of me wants you to know what it feels like to be me.” Tony pursed his lips and nodded his head.

“You are welcome,” he said definitively, holding his hands up and open. Chick remained unflinching.

“Is he here- yes, or no?” she asked again. Tony took in a sharp breath and let it out quickly.

“I’m not letting you anywhere near him,” he replied. “You’ll scare him off. He’s very gentle. Like a bunny rabbit- jumpy son of a bitch.”

“I’ll scare him,” she repeated. “This technology- when is he getting it?”

“We’re doing some more research. Gonna tweak the procedure. Try and find a way to avoid the same outcome you experienced. It’ll be at least a couple of days before he goes under the knife.”

“Does the UN know he’s back in the country?”

“Irrelevant.”

“I bet it won’t seem as irrelevant when I tell my boss and he tries to have him arrested.” Tony stared at her with a dramatically bewildered expression.

“Charlotte, is that an attempt to threaten me?”

“I’m just asking for the chance to talk to him, Mr. Stark,” she bargained. Tony put his elbows on his knees, leaning in. “I know he’s different now. I just… I want the nightmares to stop,” she said, pleading with her eyes. They were more brown today than green. Before the surgery, Tony had noticed they were a greenish hazel color.

“Such a downer.”

“Tony-” Chick urged more aggressively. “Please.” He propped his chin in his open palm, looking at her with a comical frown. “I need to see him.” It seemed like Tony’s eyes filled with pity. But, he shook his head.

“No. You’ve got physical therapy to worry about now. And I’ll send in the house therapist for you. Anything else you need, just let the nurses know.” He stood, adjusting his shirt sleeves a little higher around his elbows. He held out his hand for her to shake. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Abbott. I hope you and I can work together in the future.”

Chick looked into his eyes, glaring. They burned with anger. She said nothing, but moved her head to the side to look out the window. It was raining again, and the sky was dark grey, casting black shadows over the ground. Tony took his hand back and laid a business card on the table next to her bed. He walked out as apprehensively as he had entered.

Chick watched raindrops trail down the glass. Without looking, she clicked off the lights using the remote by her hand. She was left alone in the dark with her thoughts. She felt nothing apart from contempt, but was still able to acknowledge her loss. The loss of the only person she had been able to grow close to in years; the loss of opportunity to make peace with her past. These losses fueled the anger she already felt.

She wanted to leave her bed; her room; the building. She wanted to go outside and feel the rain; stretch her muscles; feel anything. She tried to take in deep breaths, suddenly noticing that her teeth were clenched too hard- squeaking as they grinded down. She checked to make sure that she hadn’t bit her tongue or drawn blood.

This was her life now.

She measured her breaths, slow and steady, watching the rain and trying to focus her emotions. In sudden swells of wrath, she would picture bashing Tony’s face in on her metal knee; stomping on the Winter Soldier’s face and cracking his bones. Her fingers twitched at the thought, but she didn’t budge from her position and she didn’t tighten her jaw.

In this state, she remembered the feeling of complete euphoria that came with her Vicodin and morphine high. She wondered what it might feel like now.

Chick turned to the familiar button next to her left hand, turning the machine on and clicking the remote as high as it would go.

Still, she felt nothing. Not the tingle in her bones, not the happiness from the high. All she felt was tired. Her right eye twitched rapidly and it made her smile. Her anger simmered, but did not disappear. Her imagination ran wild with vengeful, wide-awake dreams. Her eyes were open, but they were unfocused, staring at the door ahead of her. She was in a different place- crushing Barnes and Tony’s ribs under a metal foot; slamming their skulls into the ground; snapping fragile toes and fingers. This was a happy place, where she didn’t feel alone, and she didn’t feel numb. The morphine kept her company while she dreamed.

Eventually, Chick fell into a deep sleep, hoping that she might not wake up again. But, unfortunately for her, the morphine wore off after a few hours, bringing her out of her haze. She felt dizzy and the room spun when she opened her eyes. She let out short moans of disgust and annoyance, feeling hungover without any physical pain.

It was still dark outside. She lifted her hands to her face, not caring about the consequences of moving before she was fully healed. She rubbed at her dry eyes and skin, feeling dehydrated and sick.

To her left, she heard glass slide across wood. Chick froze in surprise, not removing her hands, not breathing. She waited in silence. She hoped that Tony would just apologize and stop treating her like garbage.

But, it wasn’t quite like Tony to stay this silent.

She finally dropped her hands and looked slowly to her left.

It wasn’t Tony.