Meant to Be

Chick’s face was strained in concentration as she tried to move the hinges of her metal leg. She heard a few clicks of electricity, but still the slides didn’t budge. Her chest heaved as she continued to breathe deeply with the force she attempted to exert.

“Ten more seconds,” the physical therapist, Connor, encouraged. His hands hovered around the limb, gesturing to keep going.

Yesterday, she had been able to walk on her own, but that didn’t mean she had learned to control her new prosthetic, yet. She still had trouble putting herself in the mindset to ‘pretend’ it was her own flesh-and-blood leg, as Connor had instructed. She hadn’t thought about what her leg felt like since her phantom pains, but that was different than imagining that it was there again, completely intact.

“And, rest.” Chick let out another breath, letting her thigh muscles relax back on the bed.

“This is useless,” Chick muttered. “Can’t we just get like a remote control, or something? Like, and upright wheelchair, you know- like next-level Stephen Hawking.” Connor gave her a pandering laugh.

“You’ll get the hang of it, I promise.” He held out his hand for her left hand. He examined the fingers that stuck out from the cast.

“Need me to move them?” Connor shook his head.

“Just checking blood-flow. Temperature’s okay, and they’re not discolored in any way. Tomorrow we’ll get another X-ray. The cast might have done its work at this point.” He switched her hand for the right. He began to unwrap the bandage and undo the splint on her thumb. “Swelling is gone, no discoloration. Let it rest for a couple hours before we wrap it again. We’ll get pictures of this one tomorrow, too.”

“So what’s my leg’s problem?” she asked bitterly. She was disappointed in herself; frustrated. Connor pressed his lips together thoughtfully.

“I’ve got one more idea.”

Honestly, at every corner she and Bucky turned, Chick hoped that she would find Steve there, waiting for her. Even though she was content to get acquainted with this new version of her darkest nightmare, she longed for Steve’s company. Being able to get to know him during her recovery was a glimmer of hope in her otherwise unfortunate life.

Bucky, on the other hand, felt like if he got too close to Chick he would get an electric shock. When he could muster up the courage to glance her way, he could only stare at her lips and study the way she would bite at her lower lip when she was thinking. He seldom spoke as they walked together, listening to Chick’s commentary and observing her actions. He also mentally mapped out the sights of the hospital campus, storing this information away for future reference.

Bucky also took note of Chick’s flushing cheeks when they entered the cinema room, though he wasn’t sure why she felt strongly about this area, in particular. As for himself, even after all these years of being awake, he was still amazed by modern technology- he liked this room a great deal and longed to revisit childhood memories of watching pre-war films with friends. Those were much happier times; Bucky hoped he might relive the same memories in Heaven after he finally passed.

“Stark’s taste in design is a little ostentatious,” Chick noted as they both looked around the room. The large, plush armchairs, the floor-to-ceiling movie screen, the big, booming speakers along the walls- it was a classic representation of Tony.

“I didn’t realize hospitals needed movie theaters.” Chick chuckled at Bucky’s glib statement. He was a few steps in front of her in the room. She leaned against the open door.

“Just wait till you see the chapel. It’d make even the Pope delirious.” Bucky turned back to her. She smiled and bit her lip, and Bucky’s bright eyes unfocused on her face.

Chick chose to ignore the face that Bucky made when he looked at her. It confused her and made her heart swell.

“Come on, we’ve got more to see,” she said, stepping back out into the hall, fighting off a shiver that creeped up her spine.

”Just put your legs in here,” Connor said, placing a large cardboard box down on Chick’s bed. Chick recoiled at first, but slowly leaned to look into it.

The box was split into two halves- the left half was exposed, but the right was covered. Along the wall that separated the two halves was a long mirror that ran the length of the box.

“What-” Chick began.

“Just trust me,” Connor interrupted.

Chick focused on putting her right leg in first. She heaved the limb up with all her strength and forced it in through the hole. Then, she placed her leg into the open side of the box and waited.

“So?” she asked expectantly.

Connor smiled and reached out to tilt her body to the left. At this angle, Chick saw the mirror image of her bare left leg. She stared and felt her mind fall silent as she wiggled her toes and watched the mirror image do the same- as if her right leg was also moving. She opened her mouth, trying to think of something to say, but she was speechless.

She was whole again.

A flood of muscle memories came back to her as she stretched. And in the silence, she heard the scratching of metal against cardboard and buzzing joints.

“What’s the best New Year’s you ever had?” Chick asked, breaking the nervous silence between Bucky and herself. They walked slowly down the hospital halls, heading back towards Bucky’s room after finishing their tour. “You must have some good memories from all those years ago.” Bucky took in a deep breath, pausing to think for a few beats.

“I don’t remember many of them,” he admitted. “But, I do remember one while I was still in the army. Before Steve joined, before I knew what HYDRA was. We were just Americans fighting Germans on either sides of a battlefield. It was freezing near the Swiss Alps. Some kids lost fingers and toes to frostbite. It was night. We were miserable and antsy to fight, huddled around a campfire.

“I remember our captain- Captain McCoy- he looked at his pocket watch- it was gold and shiny still, his prized possession- and told us ‘Happy New Year, troops, it’s midnight.’ One of the privates had a harmonica, and the other had a trumpet. They started playing 'Auld Lang Syne.' It was… uplifting. And then, we heard another trumpet join in, real quiet. But, it wasn’t on our side. It was from the German camp.

“It was this perfect, harmonious moment. It wasn’t the Americans versus the Nazis. It was this understanding that we were all just… human. Humans fighting for our countries, wanting to go home and celebrate with our families. I think that was the best New Year I had.”

Chick stopped walking and turned to Bucky. They stared at each other, dissecting the meaning behind the story. Chick put a cautious hand on Bucky’s right arm in an attempt to comfort him, though he showed no sign of grief. He looked down at her hand, standing still and quiet. They held eye contact, trying to hold onto this connection they felt.

Chick was the first to break away, taking her hand back and taking a step away from him. She couldn’t think of anything appropriate to say, and they walked in silence, once again, until they reached his room.

”Seriously, Steve, don’t baby me. I’m not a child.”

“I’m not trying to treat you like a child, Chick.”

“Well you are being remarkably patronizing for someone who sees me as an equal.”

“I’m just trying to be positive.”

“Jesus, Rogers, cut the shit. By now, either I can walk, or I’m a lost cause.”

“You’re not a lost cause, you’ve come so far.”

“Not far enough.”

Yesterday, Chick had been so thankful for Steve’s help. This morning, Chick had been so excited to move her prosthetic leg just barely. Now, Chick felt like she had hit another barrier in her recovery.

“It’s been almost a week since I detoxed. I’ve been in this hospital for almost a month. I’m just not strong enough or focused enough to walk like I used to.”

“Chick- after a day of bedrest, you chased me down through the hallways and put me through a wall. You can walk from your bed to the door.”

Chick narrowed her eyes at Steve, pressing her lips together and furrowing her eyebrows thoughtfully.

“I barely remember that day. I don’t know how I did it.”

“Well, you were pretty angry, as far as I remember.”

“You don’t fucking say. Well if that’s all that does it, I should be running circles around you right now.”

Steve rubbed his eyes with both hands and let out a breathy sigh.

“Maybe I should go.”

Chick felt her heart pang with guilt, but didn’t let it show. She looked down at her hands and noticed her fingers were a pale white from gripping her bed sheets so tightly. She tried to relax her muscles, still adjusting to life without feeling.

“Maybe.”

Steve’s eyes looked disappointed, but really he understood Chick’s reactions. She was frustrated and upset with herself. She expected better from herself. Steve had been there before, and if she needed some space, he would give it to her without judgement or defensiveness.

As Steve stood and headed for the door, Chick felt herself wanting to call him back. He opened the door with one last glance in her direction and left without another word. She was met with a wall of silence. Her face was twisted with despair and confliction. She felt unbearable loss, as though a part of her was missing.

She let out a shivering sigh as her emotions ran wild.

Chick slid off the edge of her bed, landing shakily on both feet. She wore socks with grips along the bottoms so that she would have a better chance of not slipping. She let go of the sheets and stood up straight. She had her hands out at her sides, trying to balance, but lowered them slowly in an attempt to walk more naturally.

She dragged her right leg ahead of the left, but it caught on her pant leg. She was caught off guard and couldn’t find her balance. She tripped and fell to the ground, knocking the wind out of her. She gasped and checked herself for any serious injuries- no broken bones, no deep cuts. She pushed herself partly up and pulled herself up the rest of the way with the side of the bed. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, setting herself up for a second attempt.

She took a step forward with her left foot and quickly pulled the right leg after. It moved stiffly and unnaturally. She closed her eyes, remembering the mirror box that Connor had given her that morning. It now sat underneath her bed. She remembered how incredible it felt to hear her right leg move independently of her left- as if she wasn’t handicapped at all.

She focused on the muscles in her right thigh. Even though she couldn’t feel the muscles contract, she imagined how it would feel to bend her leg. She took in a breath and held it.

She heard the electronic shift as the bent her knee and took a step forward. She opened her eyes and let out a short, forceful breath. She looked down and watched the joints move as she continued to walk with her left leg. She alternated legs slowly, learning how to walk for the second time in her life. She couldn’t stop the smile that creeped onto her lips and widened as she moved closer to the door.

She began to move quicker, opening the door with minimal difficulty, and headed out into the hallway. She found herself moving down the familiar halls towards Steve’s room. He had to have been moving slowly because she managed to catch up to him in a few minutes. He walked with his hands in his pockets.

“Steve,” Chick called, ceasing her steps. Steve stopped walking and turned around quickly. He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth in surprise. Chick pulled at her left cuff, biting her lip and trying to think of what to say to him. “I’m sorry,” she said finally.

Steve took several long strides to reach Chick. He placed his hands on her shoulders, staring at her intensely. Neither spoke for a few moments. Steve moved one hand up to her cheek and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. He moved his hands to her upper arms.

“You did it, Chick,” he said gently. He smiled at her, and she had to look away, unable to filter the thoughts that ran through her mind. She leaned into his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. He settled his arms around her shoulders and put his cheek on the top of her head.

“Thank you, Steve,” she muttered into his button-up shirt. He held her snugly, and they swayed in silence together.