Dear God

Silence.

That’s what I was met with. Shocked silence. And in that silence, I realized that I may have just fucked everything up before it even truly started with four words. Four selfish words. I wasn’t really thinking when I said those words and I know the surprised showed, but as soon as they were out of my mouth I was one hundred percent sure about them. I knew it was what I wanted, to have Caroline as close to me as possible. I wanted to be able to see her as much as I wanted to without having to plan long trips around several different schedules. I also knew that it was the most logical step to take for our relationship because I don’t know how long the long-distance thing would hold up. Plus having Caroline and Lilly near me, meant that the kids could spend so much time together as they grew up and in the little time that I’ve seen Caroline with the kids, I’ve fallen even more in love with her.

As the silence grew I began to second guess myself. Maybe I really did just mess everything up and ruined a great day. Spending the day with Caroline and the kids at the amusement showed me what our lives together would be like. Not once did she treat Jesse and Carly any different than she treats Lilly. It was obvious how my kids respected Caroline so quickly.

Then our night really got good after we dropped the kids off at Corey’s house. At first all I could think about was the talk that we needed to have, but once we actually sat down and hashed things out I realized how necessary it was.We aired our grievances and we made up…oh boy did we make up! Having sex with Caroline was always something special, it always had been. But after not being with her for so long, it was a whole ‘nother experience. It was familiar yet different, in the best way. The sounds she made and the way she felt under me was still replaying in my head as we stood in her tiny kitchen with dinner laying all over the floor and her just standing there staring at me with a dazed and far away look in her eyes.

The silence was killing me.

“Care?”

Finally her eyes focused and she looked at me. The dazed look that had been there since she heard what I said, was replaced by building panic. Shit!

“Before you started freaking out, hear me out Caroline.” I took a deep breath and waited until I knew I had her attention. I put my hands on her upper arms. “I’m not asking you to move in with me. I’m just saying that the best way to make this work is if you move back to Cali. If you don’t want to, then I won’t push you and we will make this work. But for totally selfish reasons, I would love to have you on the same coast as me again.” I smiled at her.

“But my life is here Matt.” She whispered, looking down at the mess on the floor.
I nodded. “I know, sweetheart and I respect that. I’m not going to force this on you. I just want you to at least think about it. Look at it from all sides but also do what’s best for you and Lilly.”

“Do you really want me to move back?” She looked so unsure and that killed me. That’s when I finally realized how much emotional trauma Caroline has been through in the last five or six years and the effect it has had on her confidence. I needed to change her look on herself and on people being there for her.

“Of course I do, Care” I said, taking a few steps towards her. “I’ve wanted you back with me since you left. It only feels right to have you there with me. I know the guys would love to have you home too.”

Caroline squeezed her eyes shut and wrapped her arms around herself. “I will think about it, Matt. I can’t make any promises though.” She whispered.

“I’m not asking for promises. I’m just asking that you think about it.” I leaned down and kissed her. “Let’s clean this up and order something, then we will go get the kids.” I loved the sound of that I thought to myself as I started picking up the pieces of glass scattered around the kitchen.

**

The rest of our trip was relaxing and fun filled. Caroline made sure to come up with activities that the kids would enjoy as well as the two of us. We had dinner with Corey and Alison once or twice and it was great getting to catch up with Corey and hearing about what Stone Sour had up their sleeves. As much as leaving sucked, it was nice to know that Caroline had someone here with her to help her out and watch over her.

When it was time for us to head back to California, Carly and Lilly were hard to separate. They cried the entire day before we left and had to be physically separated when it was time for the three of us to head to the airport. My heart broke for the two little girls, but I knew they would see each other again but they were too upset to understand that. Jesse didn’t want to say goodbye to Caroline and that broke my heart even more than Carly and Lilly did. It was clear that he and Caroline developed a relationship that meant something to my son and that made me fall a little more in love with her. It was no secret that he didn’t have the best relationship with Melony and he clearly lacked maternal contact.

When it was our turn to say goodbye, I had to wipe away tears from Caroline’s cheeks, something I didn’t expect.
“Remember what we talked about. Just think about it and we will talk more about it.” I smiled. “In the mean time, take care of yourselves and keep Corey in his place.”

Caroline sniffed. “This sucks and it’s only been a week. I don’t want you guys to leave.”

I kissed her lightly. “We will see each other again soon, Carrie. I promise. I love you, baby.”

“I love you, Matt. Have a safe flight and be sure to text me when you get home and settled.”

I nodded and kissed her again with a whispered promise to check in when we got home. I gathered my upset children and got them into the car as Carrie picked up her sobbing toddler with tears of her own streaming down her cheeks. Carly was still crying in the back seat and Jesse had tears running down his cheeks as well as well pulled away from Caroline’s apartment. It was clear that leaving wasn’t hard on just me and Caroline and I hope she took this into consideration when she thought about moving back to California.

CAROLINE’S POV

Watching Matt drive away with Lilly crying in my arms was one of the hardest things to do. I hated to see him leave, but it was clearly killing my little sister to see her new best friend leave. I know how you feel sister.

It was hard getting Lilly to settled down when I myself was feeling down about our guests leaving. Her tears only fueled my own heartache and I wanted nothing more than to follow after the SUV as it drove out of sight.

Move back to California

Those words have been at the forefront of my mind since they came out of Matt’s mouth earlier in the week. At first I had felt nothing but panic at the suggestion, but the more Matt talked about it and the more I thought it about the better it sounded. I missed California as well as my friends. I missed sitting on the beach, drinking with everyone. I missed playing guitar with Brian and Papa. I missed getting into stupid shit with Jimmy and getting drunk with Johnny. I missed talking and playing baseball with Zacky and the girls’ days I’d have with April, Michelle and her sister, Val, Lacey, and Leana. But out of everyone and everything, I really missed spending my days with Matt doing nothing in particular. Whether it was sitting around his game room as he played video games or spending countless hours at the beach goofing off. I just missed being around him and I didn’t realize how much until I spent seven straight days with him. And now it wasn’t just him I missed. I was going to miss his two wonderful children as well.

Later that evening, once Lilly was in bed. I pulled my laptop out and found myself searching for places to live in the Huntington Beach area. Seeing the pictures of the places where the guys and I would hang out had me feeling so homesick. I could picture the group of us sitting around a bonfire on the beach after a long day of surfing and fun. I could see Matt and I attending some of Amy’s basketball games before swinging by the baseball field to catch one of Zacky’s games.

Then everything morphed and I pictured myself attending softball games for Calrly and Lilly. Baseball games for Jesse. Still spending time with the guys, but with families there. It struck me then that California was where I wanted to be. I really had nothing holding me here anymore and Lilly was young enough that moving wouldn’t totally flip her world. She would have Carly and Jesse there to help her adjust.

After several hours of serious searching, I found something that made me instantly feel like I was home. It was close to where Brian and Michelle lived. Had really good schools and was on the beach. There was a park near by that I could see Matt and I taking the kids to after he spent the day in the studio. Quickly deciding that this was something I could do, I sent the leasing office an email detailing what I was looking for then closed my laptop. Suddenly my phone vibrated on the table and I lunged for it. I smiled sadly when I saw what the message from Matt said.

Home safe and sound. Carly cried herself to sleep on the plane. Jesse is still moping around but will soon be asleep. I miss you already.

Those sweet little ones. Give them hugs for me. Lilly is out, she passed out not too long after dinner. She hasn’t let go of the stuffed animal you got her at the park. I miss you too, my living room is too cold without you.

I held off on telling him about the house until I knew things were going to work out. I didn’t want to get his hopes up…or mine. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to realize that moving back out there was a bad idea.

Matt and I texted back and forth for a little while longer before we both passed out from exhaustion. I hoped that this would be one of the last times that we fell asleep apart from each other.
.