Nothing Without You
Entry #3
Being a failure seems to be in my blood. All I’ve ever done is try to protect myself, my family, my daughter.. And yet I am perceived as the monster. I’m unable to wrap my head around the severity of this situation. Everywhere I turn, someone is hunting my daughter. It’s exhausting for not only me, but for Hope. She doesn’t yet understand why I can’t be as involved in her life as others, I hope one day she understands and learns to appreciate the sacrifices I have to make. I know it hurts her, but it hurts me too. I long for the close bond she is trying to create with me, she’s my entire world. I would die for her if I had to.m, and maybe that is my fate. I’ve always said that love is weakness.
I stand by that, still. Love has this far been my greatest weakness. Had I not ever undaggared my siblings, they may be in far less of a bind. None of them would be dead, not really. And Camille.. She’s dead simply because I cared for her. She was used as a pawn to get to me. And poor Hope, she’s being hunted every day of her life because she is mine. Love will always mean weakness, but some weaknesses cannot ever be overcome.
My mind is running wild tonight. My thoughts, very much like my writing, are scattered, one thought comes and the next interrupts the first. It’s choppy and so opposite of fluid that it’s driving me mad. But some part of me just doesn’t have the energy to waste my time on such things like thoughts and feelings and perfect writing.
Molly tried talk with me tonight. I so desperately wanted to pour it all out to her, like I’m doing now on this page. I wanted to tell her everything that is currently making circles in my brain, I wanted to listen to what she had to say, maybe look at it from some other perspective. But I did it again. Instead of listening and talking with her, I yelled at her. I told her to leave, I ordered her to get away from me. Yes, I feel guilt over it, but I don’t think I’ve apologized to anyone in the last century, I wouldn’t know where to begin. Besides, apologies are weak, right? That’s what I’ve always thought, but I suppose Molly deserves one. She’s a frail, sweet thing. She was trying to help and I yelled at her.
Until next time...
Ps. I just went to see Molly. She’s missing. I’m going to find her, I hope she hasn’t gotten herself into any trouble.
I stand by that, still. Love has this far been my greatest weakness. Had I not ever undaggared my siblings, they may be in far less of a bind. None of them would be dead, not really. And Camille.. She’s dead simply because I cared for her. She was used as a pawn to get to me. And poor Hope, she’s being hunted every day of her life because she is mine. Love will always mean weakness, but some weaknesses cannot ever be overcome.
My mind is running wild tonight. My thoughts, very much like my writing, are scattered, one thought comes and the next interrupts the first. It’s choppy and so opposite of fluid that it’s driving me mad. But some part of me just doesn’t have the energy to waste my time on such things like thoughts and feelings and perfect writing.
Molly tried talk with me tonight. I so desperately wanted to pour it all out to her, like I’m doing now on this page. I wanted to tell her everything that is currently making circles in my brain, I wanted to listen to what she had to say, maybe look at it from some other perspective. But I did it again. Instead of listening and talking with her, I yelled at her. I told her to leave, I ordered her to get away from me. Yes, I feel guilt over it, but I don’t think I’ve apologized to anyone in the last century, I wouldn’t know where to begin. Besides, apologies are weak, right? That’s what I’ve always thought, but I suppose Molly deserves one. She’s a frail, sweet thing. She was trying to help and I yelled at her.
Until next time...
Ps. I just went to see Molly. She’s missing. I’m going to find her, I hope she hasn’t gotten herself into any trouble.