Don't Make This Easy, I Want You to Mean It

I didn’t know what I was doing.
I’d woken up nearly two hours ago, my head blurry with my hangover in an empty apartment. Marissa had left a note on the fridge (knowing I was heading straight to the kitchen for coffee) telling me she was at work and she’d called into my work for me. I couldn’t care less about work. I hadn’t heard from Jack all morning, but I assumed he would be making an appearance either around midday or when bringing Marissa home from work. He’d promised bitching and candy, so I knew he was going to be true to his word.
Alex had been silent. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I could either not care at all, be grateful or be furious. I’d been torn between all three all morning.
I was currently in my living room, the TV playing mindlessly in front of me as I stared at two blank pieces of paper. I had no idea what to say, but I knew I had to write these notes. I needed to put my feelings down onto paper. I’d gotten in last night and stayed awake much longer than anyone knew, staring at my future and making decisions. I knew I didn’t want to be here anymore. My college acceptance confirmation had been labelled and was ready to be mailed, but I couldn’t put down how I was feeling in words for my friends. I wanted to explain to Jack and Marissa, make them understand, but I didn’t know how. Neither of them had been through this before, so I couldn’t compare it to anything to make them understand. They hadn’t really been in love with anyone before each other. They’d had relationships and heartaches, but nothing that felt the way I felt about Alex.
Had felt about Alex.
I didn’t know. I still felt it, but something inside me seemed to be stopping me from fully feeling it anymore. I loved him, that didn’t go away overnight, but I also wasn’t going to forgive him overnight. I was thankful for that. My chest ached when I thought about him, missing him more than I could ever put into words. I knew if he showed up at my door with daisies and another apology, I would probably give in to him, but I couldn’t do it. The girl I had been a year ago wouldn’t allow it. I wasn’t going to be his doormat and go back to playing the ever-patient girlfriend. He wasn’t mine anymore, if he ever had been. I didn’t want to walk into school tomorrow morning and be the laughing stock of the senior class. I was done.
Jack, Marissa,
I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t do this anymore. I love you, both of you, but what he did was too much. I can’t be here anymore. Please let me do this.
I miss you both already.
Love,
Jasey.
I sighed, looking over my letter. It told them enough without giving myself away.
I was leaving.
I was driving and just never stopping. It felt dramatic, but necessary. I was done. Baltimore held nothing for me anymore, just the scorn of everyone I knew and the biggest betrayal I had ever endured. My bags were already packed and in the back of my car, taking only the necessities. Essential clothes, sentimental items and a duvet for the next few nights if I couldn’t find a motel. Throughout my muddling through, I had managed to at least plan for the next few days. After that, and until I fully enrolled in the fall, I had no idea what I was doing. I had a vague idea of finding an apartment and a job, but that was it. I felt like a child, running away from all my problems and just utterly burying my head in the sand. I was hiding, I couldn’t deny it, but it felt better than allowing myself to forgive Alex. I knew I would, it would only be a matter of time, but at least if I didn’t see him, I stood the chance of maintaining my anger.
I folded Marissa and Jack’s letter into an envelope, sealing it and putting it in the middle of the coffee table before grabbing the other letter and the remainder of my belongings and making my way out of the apartment. I left my keys with the neighbour, telling him to give them to Marissa tomorrow for me. It took me mere minutes to make it to Alex’s house. His car wasn’t in the drive or in front of the house, so I assumed it was safe.
“Holly! It’s so good to see you,” Isobel smiled, pulling me into her usual hug before letting me inside. “Alex isn’t here, dear. He went to see Jack early this morning.” She smiled apologetically, but not pityingly and there was no disapproval when she spoke to me or about Alex, so I assumed he had yet to tell his parents what had happened, which I was thankful for.
“It’s okay,” I replied, forcing a convincing smile onto my face. “I just came to grab something from his room, if that’s okay? I left some stuff and I need it for school in the morning.” I was lying through my teeth, but she didn’t seem to notice, telling me it was perfectly fine and did I want a drink while I was there. I refused, making my way up the stairs quickly and into his room.
It smelled like him. Well, of course, it smelled like him, it was his room, but it hit me more than normal. I took it all in, knowing (or, perhaps, more hoping) it would be the last time I smelled this particular smell. The aching in my chest intensified as I leaned against the now closed door, my resolve waning. I half hoped he would come through the front door and stop me in my tracks. It had been risky coming here in the first place, but there were some things I just couldn’t leave.
I stuffed my things into my bag, half-tempted to take my favourite shirt of his, but knowing it would only force me to come back before I was ready. I had to hate him. I was trying so hard to hate him, but being here wasn’t helping. Smelling him, seeing all of his things strewn about and the pictures of us together. They were scattered on his bed, telling me he had been poring over them through the night, yet another thing tempting me to stay. If I saw him now, I knew I would give in.
“Bye Isobel!” I called, leaving the house as quickly as I could, not allowing her to see me and try and convince me to stay for dinner or call Alex and let him know I was here.
Relief washed over me as I sat back down in my car, turning it on and beginning to drive away. I felt hurt, just as I had been feeling since last night, but a weight had been lifted, knowing Alex was no longer going to be a part of my life, mulling over the final letter I had left him.
Alex,
Don’t call, don’t text. I’d tell you not to write but you wouldn’t be able to if you wanted. I’m leaving. I loved you, but I always knew something like this would happen. Don’t look for me. I don’t want to see you again.
- Jasey.