I Can't Say It Feels Wrong to Close My Eyes When All I See Is You

Rian smacked an envelope down on the lunch table.

“Where’ve you been?” Jack asked before returning his attention to rolling spitballs to shoot across the caf.

“Buying those,” Rian answered with a nod to the envelope as he slipped his backpack off and threw a leg over the bench next to Jack.

“And those are…” Zack asked with a shake of his head.

“Prom tickets,” Rian answered. “You better get yours soon if you’re planning to, the line was around the corner.”

Zack shrugged as he stuck his spoon in his mouth. “‘M not goin,’” he mumbled around his yogurt.

“Me neitherrrrr!” Jack yelled at the cafeteria ceiling, adding to the already-echoing din.

Alex spun on them immediately. “What!?”

“Don’ see th’ point,” Zack continued.

“Come on, the point is that it’s a huge party & one of the last chances to make some memories here. I mean, I know this is a hellhole, but at least we’ll have something fun to look back on.”

“Ah, but you nerds have dates,” Jack said, punctuating the last word by tossing a crumpled napkin into Alex’s face.

“We can go as a group!”

“What, and we’ll be the fifth and sixth wheels?” Zack laughed.

“Hey, that makes for a very stable vehicle,” Alex replied, pointing a finger into Zack’s face.

Zack rolled his eyes and Jack said, “You know the only reason Rian’s going is because he and Kara just became ‘official.’” He punctuated the word with lazy air quotes. “And you know the only reason she brought that up was to lock him down for prom. He hates dances.”

Rian groaned. “Don’t remind me. Kara’s even made me promise at least one slow dance.”

“You know what, Zack? Maybe we should go, just to see that trainwreck.” Jack reached across the table to smack Zack on the arm companionably but caused Zack to drop half his spoonful on the table. In retaliation, Zack flung what was left in Jack’s direction.

“I know I’m gonna step on her or somethin,” Rian continued. “I’ll look dumb and I’ll make her look dumb and she’ll hate me.”

“Hey,” Alex said, gently kicking Rian under the table and trying to prevent his friend’s full-on freak-out while Jack and Zack continued to bicker next to them, Zack now trying to retrieve food that Jack had stolen. “I can help you out if you want, give you some pointers.”

“Wait, what?” Rian asked, as if doing a mental double-take.

“Just an idea,” Alex said with a shrug, assuming Rian would turn him down since he knew how much Rian hated dancing.

“Dude! That’d be great!” Alex felt his eyes widen at Rian’s shift in both tone and volume.

“Uh… Really?”

“Yeah, you’d totally save my ass, thanks!”

Alex took a drink, startled by Rian’s enthusiasm, and thought that Rian must be really into this girl if he was willing to dance. “No prob, just come by tonight and we can get started?” Rian nodded.

Now it was Alex’s task to talk the other two into joining them in the age-old high school ritual. He turned toward them just as they simultaneously spit water at each other.

•••

That night Alex sat in bed picking absentmindedly at his guitar. It was just after ten and his parents had just gone into bed. Now all he was waiting for was –

A tap on his second-story window brought an immediate smile to his face. This was not the first time Rian had scaled the trellis onto the porch overhang and climbed through Alex’s window; it was actually rather routine. Alex set his guitar aside and rose to open his window. Rian scrambled through in all his usual grace.

They greeted each other with a fist-bump as Alex asked, “Any trouble getting out?”

“Nah. Your parents asleep?”

“Not yet, so we’ll have to keep it down.”

“Which means you can’t scream if I step on you,” Rian teased.

“Which means you better not step on me,” Alex retaliated.

Rian only nodded in response and Alex could feel the other boys’ nerves. He knew Rian hated dancing and he knew he needed to ease him into it as much as possible. “Uh, right,” he said, breaking the silence that had grown a tad awkward. He stepped around Rian to pull the blinds down over the closed window, then circled back to the door and locked it. “No gawkers, no one walking in, just us.” He turned to Rian and let out a sigh, hoping to hint that Rian should do the same, relieve the tension Alex knew was building in his chest.

Instead, Rian echoed, “Just us,” a shake in his voice that did nothing to put either of them at ease.

Alex mentally shook himself. This was not how things were supposed to go. Slightly annoyed that Rian’s nerves were so contagious – because that had to be what it was – Alex set to starting the music, opening a CD case that he’d pulled out earlier and sliding the disc into his player. He hit buttons until his speakers emitted soft acoustic chords.

“Seriously?” Rian deadpanned when Howie Day’s vocals began to warble through the room.

“Look, man, I will bet you money that they’ll play this at prom,” Alex answered, trying not to chuckle.

“But why do you own it?” Rian taunted.

“That’s ...not important,” Alex brushed off, refocusing. “We’re trying to teach you how to dance here.”

Which was apparently the entirely wrong thing to say because Rian, who’d finally been relaxing and acting like Rian, stiffened again and answered with a terse “Right.”

Desperately trying to lighten the mood again, Alex flipped imaginary hair over his shoulder and batted his eyelids. “Just pretend I’m a really pretty girrrrrl,” he told Rian, his voice about three octaves higher than usual.

“That’s not hard,” Rian said, a small smile on his face as he huffed out a laugh, but the stiffness in his spine remained. Alex shook himself out as if it would help. Figuring they’d better just get it over with, Alex stepped forward.

“Alright, so –” Alex began, placing his hands rather stiffly on Rian’s shoulders. When Rian didn’t step into the hold, Alex interrupted himself and slid his hands down Rian’s arms to grasp Rian by the wrists and place his hands on Alex’s waist, mumbling, “Your hands go on my waist, Ri.” He returned his own hands to Rian’s shoulders. Where I follow, you’ll go, the speakers sang. They were now barely a foot apart.

Just as Rian was avoiding considering how small and fragile Alex felt in his arms, Alex was doing his best to ignore how steady and safe Rian’s hold felt as he began again. “Okay, so. You’re a drummer. You know rhythm –”
“This song has no rhythm, Alex,” Rian whined. “There’s no kick drum or bassline. I can’t hear shit!” Alex hit his shoulder to get him to shut up.

“Every song has rhythm, you know that,” Alex chided. “If you can’t find it, I’ll start and you’ll catch on.” Alex waited for some sound of agreement, but all Rian did was roll his eyes, so Alex continued. “We just step back and forth to the rhythm, like…”

He trailed off, favoring showing over telling. Rian mirrored his steps a second late, but Alex didn’t push him, letting Rian adapt naturally. I’ve found I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind, the song crooned just as Rian finally found his footing.

Alex watched Rian’s face; he held half his bottom lip between his teeth and there was a small crease between his brows. Alex felt himself smile a little, endeared by Rian’s concentration.

Lost in the movement and feeling natural once again, Alex took half a step closer to comfortably rest his head on Rian’s shoulder. The step brought Alex’s fingertips to Rian’s shoulder blades and Rian’s hands from Alex’s waist to the small of his back.

In the more comfortable hold, Alex felt Rian relax into him. Both clearly more at ease, the lingering vestiges of tension seeped from the room. They just danced, swaying gently in time to the music.

After a of couple choruses, Alex lifted his head to look at Rian, to see if his brow was still furrowed in concentration or if he’d relaxed into the natural movements. But Rian’s own face was closer than he expected, and Alex met his eyes immediately. Just as the lyrics sang you and I collide, their noses brushed.

The touch shocked Alex back to reality and he took a step backward, suddenly remembering where they were and what they were doing.

“Good job, man. I think you’ve got it down,” Alex said over the last few chords, now in the hold that they had begun with.

The song ended and the next one was slightly faster, so Alex stepped away under guise of pausing the CD. He tried his best not to shiver, suddenly cold where Rian’s hands had been.

Turning back to his friend – still stood where Alex left him and looking a little bit dazed – Alex ran a hand through his hair. “I mean. I’m not sure what other tips I can give you? You seem – it seems – I guess you’re all set?” Alex stumbled over his words as he tried not to let his voice shake. “I mean if that’s all you needed –”

Rian seemed to finally snap out of his own haze. “Yeah! Right! Yeah, thanks man. You’re – uh, you’re a great teacher.” Rian picked at the seam of his jeans absently for a moment. “It, uh, I think it helps that we can, you know, talk music. You know, ‘cause, uh, ‘cause we’re in the band...”

Alex only nodded in response. It seemed as though all the tension had flooded the room again as soon as Alex had stepped out of Rian’s arms.

“Right, yeah, so I’ll –” Rian pointed helplessly at the window and all Alex could manage in response was another nod and a strained “Yeah.”

“Thanks again, man,” Rian said before climbing out the window and crossing the porch roof to descend the same way he’d arrived.

Alex didn’t move for a long moment, leaning against the wall where he’d stopped after pausing the music, and staring at the closed window through which Rian had disappeared. He only realized he’d been frozen when his phone buzzed; he knew it was Rian saying he’d gotten home safely. Making no move to answer his phone, Alex slowly reached over and hit the play button on his stereo. Soft, if faster, acoustic chords filled the room. He let the music seep through his skin and calm the blood roaring in his ears, but more importantly, the thoughts racing through his head.

After another short moment, he crossed his room to check his phone.

Home. Thx 4 the tips dude!

Rian’s message didn’t have his customary x at the end and Alex couldn’t decide if that were good or bad, if a tiny little letter x would’ve made things more or less complicated.

With a blank expression, he typed back a simple np and set his phone down, resigning himself to bed. He’d have to sort this out tomorrow.

He tried to avoid thinking about the events of the night, hoping that sleeping on it would help, but sleep didn’t come easily, and when it did it was restless, full of images of a corsage that matched the tie he’d already picked out and a hazy game of follow the leader.

•••

The next morning, Alex splashed ice water on his face, attempting to wash away his complicated thoughts along with the bags under his eyes.

He didn’t have class with Rian until after lunch and Alex thought it best to put any awkwardness behind them sooner rather than later. After a restless night, he’d woken with a mostly clear head; this was his best friend. They could deal with a little tension now if it meant they would get back to normal.

Still, he was relieved and a little surprised to find Rian in their usual morning hangout. The drummer was straddling the bench sideways, using two pencils to tap out a rhythm while watching Zack and Jack mess around.

Alex nodded his customary greeting to the group, and when the others didn’t ask more of him, he approached Rian. “Hey man, can I talk to you?” Alex gestured aside with a subtle nod and Rian took the hint.

“Sure,” he said, standing and pocketing his pencils. His expression was somber as he followed Alex the few steps away.

Ignoring the part of his mind focused on decoding Rian’s expression, Alex began his hastily-rehearsed speech. “Okay, so I know last night was a little strange – I mean it’s not really something we... do? I’d totally understand if you want to forget about it completely. And I mean your dancing’s totally fine, but I’ll even help you figure out a way around prom if you want, I just –”

“A way around prom? Dude, I already bought the tickets, I’m in,” Rian interrupted with a smile. A normal smile. Rian’s face, which had relaxed into a casual, familiar disposition, told Alex all he needed to know. “And thanks for last night, you helped me out a bunch.”

“Ah – what are friends for?” Alex answered, feeling his face grow warmer.

With a nod, Rian began to head back to the bench, but paused. “Uh, hey, Alex?” Rian’s soft tone piqued Alex’s interest. “I know we both have dates and everything but... I mean, since this is one of our last hurrahs or whatever... you... you wanna save a dance for me?”

Alex felt his eyes widen but did his best to hide his surprise. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

“Alright, cool,” Rian said, smiling as he turned away.

Alex watched Rian pull out his pencils and resume his seat next to their bickering buds, thinking that he might actually have serious feelings for one of his best friends.