Elements of a Selfish Desire

A scowl encased the much-too tired features of Avenged's rhythm guitarist. He presently stood in his private studio looking over some decade old pages. Coffee stained, eternally creased from being folded too many times, tattered, and smudged they laid nestled between fingers that had desperately wanted to rip them to shreds on several occasions, but hadn't. He couldn't bring himself to, though they angered him quite a bit. It wasn't the contents that upset him. It was the author.

Jimmy.

It was times like these that he missed the drummer and his crazy antics. The man was legendary, born before his time, misunderstood, and gone way too soon. They had seen the best of times and worst of times together. They had so many good memories, and several they would take to their grave. That's the part that angered him. Some things the world needed to know, and others the guitarist would give anything to have been addressed privately with him before he left this life.

There were times that he shed a few tears and drank a beer in the blue eyed man's honor. Other times he grit his teeth and cursed him under his breath for leaving like this. Jimmy knew a great and many things, was so much wiser beyond his years. He could have been the one to help with the constant search for balance, certainly. More than that, though, he could have helped with what was weighing on his mind. This decision he had to make was one he did not want to make at all, let alone by himself.

Many would say the choice was't his to make. An even greater amount would say there was no choice at all, to let the cards fall as they may. That was the dilemma, though. Most people didn't have the ability to change the way the cards fell. He did. To that, the consensus would likely be, "Just turn back time and change the situation to prevent it from ever happening in the first place." If he could do that, he would certainly try. It wasn't that easy. Time manipulation was much more complex than one might think. If all it took was a few words and strong will, Jimmy would be standing here talking about the upcoming tour and how he was going to dominate the stage.

Mumbling a few choice words under his breath, he carefully folded the unused lyrics of his friend and tucked them away safely in the box he kept them in. So many thoughts swirled through his head as he sat down to do what he had purposed to do so many times before. While he had written several letters to him in the past, he had never been able to put into words what he truly wanted to say. This time was different. He felt a confidence and level of clarity he hadn't previously felt in any of his attempts. Armed with a sleek black pen cradled in his hand, and a notebook opened to a fresh page before him, the guitarist blew out a breath to steady himself. Here went the words of broken trust, anger, sorrow, regret, confusion, hatred, love, and bitterness that he had held onto for nearly nine years. He wrote feverishly and unhindered. Each word was tainted with disdain for the man's departure, the unfinished conversations, and all of the unanswered questions that burned inside him.

Sweat beaded on his brow and upper lip despite the cool temperature he kept his at-home work space at. Jade green eyes followed his writings, though he truthfully didn't see them. A movie reel of all of the good times, the fights, concerts, parties, and jam sessions played through his mind the more he wrote. When he was finally finished, more than an hour had gone by. His arm ached from being locked up for so long, and his hand was momentarily stuck in position when he let the pen drop from his fingers.

Standing gingerly, he pulled the pages from the book and gathered them neatly in his hand. A staple was pushed into the top left corner to keep them together before he moved to place them into a copy of one of the many novels he had about magic and supernatural creatures. Just because they were all far fetched tales of a spirited imagination didn't mean they weren't good for a laugh every now and then.

"Oh Jimmy," he sighed. "If I ever see you again, you've got a lot of explaining to."

+

Eight days later the Avengedmen, their leading ladies, friends, and family were all gathered at Matt's house for their usual pre-tour party. Just under sixty people in total. Yes, Zack loved his life. His friends were closer than family, and he relished life in the music industry. However, so much had changed since the night he had been taken and ultimately transformed into a hybrid against his will. While he couldn't say he didn't find some aspects cool, he certainly would have rather experienced them for just a moment or a few days. A lifetime of this curse was far too long. And he was considered just a baby in all of this.

"Hey man." the greeting took his eyes from the unseen and back into the here and now.

"Hey." glancing down at the shot glass his musical other half had extended him, he politely declined.

"What's with you? It's a party and I don't think I've seen you with a drink in your hand all night."

Come on, take it. The silent urge from his dark side caused him to sigh inwardly.

"I had some earlier. I'm good right now," he replied and took a few swallows of his carbonated beverage.

"All right. Suit yourself." the other guitarist shrugged and downed the liquor himself. "What's on your mind tonight?"

"Not much. Just kind of relaxing. I've been rushing all week to get last minute things taken care of."

"How well I know."

"Random question for you." he said abruptly with a glint of amusement tinged curiosity lining his expression. "If you had other worldly power for a week, what would you do with it?"

"Other worldly? You mean like, super hero powers?" the response caused a snorted laugh to wisp out of his friend before he could stop it.

"Sure. We'll go with that." he had never thought of himself as a super hero before.

Super Zack to the rescue! No, no. That was a bit much.

"I'm not sure. What kind of powers?" Brian pondered and jumped up to take a seat on the kitchen island now.

"You name it. The known universe is the limit."

"Well, when you put it that way.... " he pause a moment to think. "I guess I would have to vanquish world hunger. Build homes and community out reach centers in remote places of third world countries. And I would probably manifest trust funds filled with enough money that every single parent would have what they need to feed, clothe, and educate their kids they way they always wanted to."

Totally unprepared for that answer, all he found he could do was let out a word of surprise. Leaning his side against the island counter now, he took a moment to digest the words. After a few seconds, he furrowed his brows, "Really?"

"No!" a highly amused laughter erupted from deep inside and he snorted a few times before he could bridle himself. "You should see the look on your face, dude. Of course I would like to see resolutions to all that, but it wouldn't be that simple. There would have to be some sort of government authority set up to oversee those programs, people on hand to continue feeding the hungry, and just because money would be allotted for raising kids doesn't mean people would always spend it wisely. No, man. I was just messing with you."

"You definitely had me there," the green eyed man chuckled now, though the wisecrack still made him feel a bit guilty for only worrying about himself the majority of the time.

"That was funny. But to actually answer the question, I'm not sure. I would probably travel back and forth into different time periods and see different cultures. I'd also probably teleport to all of the venues so I could spent less time on busses and in airports, and be able to sleep in my own bed every night."

"Oh yeah, can't argue with that. That'd be sweet."

"But the first thing I would do is go back in time to the summer of 2009." both men become quiet for a moment at the mention of that year; each for vastly different reasons. "I knew something was going on with Jimmy. I didn't know how to approach him. But if I had those powers, I would go back to that summer, read his mind, figure out how to help him. That way we'd be standing here laughing our asses off with him telling us how he would use his powers to make people's clothes fall off at the most embarrassing times."

"Or turn his bed to chocolate so he didn't have to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack."

"Oh, good one! I would totally do that." the lead snickered. "What would you do if you had powers?"

"Something more dignified than wallowing in self pity, but less extreme than making money grow on trees, and whiskey fall out of the sky instead of rain."

"Hey, Jimmy would do that."

"Probably." he let the humor dissipate between them before he decided to pose a more serious question in the moment. "What would you do if you had the power to change someone's fate for them?"

"It would depend on the situation. If I could have changed Jimmy's fate, I would have made sure he stayed around."

"Well, yes. But I mean more along the lines of taking someone's life to save their soul." the words hung between them like a thick haze. Strange the question, desperate the reason.

"I guess I'm not sure what you're asking." the older man paused to wait for clarification. When he received none, he continued blindly. "People do that in movies and they're seen as a hero. In real life, the answer is no."

"No?"

"Definitely not. That's playing God. Besides, if we're talking about taking someone's life to save them from something, you're saying the decision the person made was wrong." with a slight shrug, he added, "That's assuming they know what's coming and have the opportunity to make the choice, because it would be screwed up not to allow someone the chance to decide for themselves."

"What if the person doesn't know or understand everything it would entail on either side of the decision?"

"You could always try and help give them information needed to make an educated decision, but ultimately it's up to them. Who are we to judge whether it's right or wrong for them? I say no across the board. Taking someone's life to save their soul is an unrealistic idea, and seriously, who says, 'I'm going to kill you, you'll be better off'? What does that even mean? We don't even know what's on the other side. What if it's not heaven and hell? What if it's nothing?"

"It's not nothing."

"I don't believe it's nothing, but regardless. How is it fair to take someone's life on earth, however good or bad it may be, and shove them into the beyond? Shouldn't they have a choice?"

"I absolutely think everyone should have a choice. Unfortunately, not everyone does," Zack said a bit more begrudgingly than he intended to.

"Exactly. I mean, even if someone decides they don't want to live anymore, they should still get to decide when and how they die."

"Agreed. But for argument's sake, wouldn't your decision to go back in time to save Jimmy a violation of that right to make a choice?"

"Jimmy wanted to live."

"That's what he told us, yes. I'm not saying he didn't. All I'm saying is that according to your belief, people should have the right to make that decision themselves and no one has the right to judge. Correct?" his tongue flicked out to wet his suddenly dry lips and he busied himself with finishing off his soda.

"Yes."

"Then you just shot yourself in the foot, because even if he said to us that he wanted to live, it would still not be right for you to go back in time to save him because that would be taking away a series of decisions he chose to make on his own."

Dark brows raised then furrowed at the response. "Well, shit. You're right."

A shrug was his only answer.

"You should have been a lawyer, Zee."

A laugh escaped him now. "So, we're back to square one."

"I'm not sure I know where square one is. How the hell did we end up in this conversation in the first place?"

"I don't know, man." moving to clap his friend's shoulder, he tugged him off the counter. "But I've changed my mind. Let's go get some shots."