I Wanna Know

Is she the one? The one you've been waiting for?
Is she the one?

I have been thinking things over and over in my head for the past three months. Three months have passed and I cannot stop thinking of him and her. The way he touches her, the way he looks at her and smiles. Did he ever look at me that way? I knew from the beginning I was never good enough for him. I was the South Side Bitch. I had a list of criminal convictions longer than the years I had been alive. Our relationship was extremely toxic, with both of us having extreme tempers and equal stubbornness. Our arguments were spectacular, neither of us backing down from what we believed was right. Our friends knew better than to try and stop us, it would only make things worse for everybody. We lasted 2 years. My insane jealously being the factor that would break us down. And then she showed up to pick up the pieces that I had left behind. The differences between me and her were striking. I wore black everything, shorts, fishnet tights, black doc martins and leather Serpent jacket, whilst she was all preppy, pastel colours that screamed ‘Daddy’s girl’, the perfect example of a good girl. I was covered in tattoos, piercings and my permanent resting bitch face made me not the friendliest of people, whilst her features enhanced the ‘good girl’ image she was going for.

The night Sweet Pea met her was the night the last pieces of my stone cold glass heart shattered.

We were at Pop’s for some food trying to make things better after another major row. Betty (a north sider) had decided to do the Serpent Dance for Jughead, my best friend. I was disgusted; she barely knew anything about the Serpents. I turned round to display my revolt to Sweet Pea when I caught him staring at her with that smirk on his face as she stripped and swung her body round that sweat-ridden pole. I lost my shit at that. I stormed out of the Wyrm, knocking chairs, tables and other people out of my way. I lit up a cigarette and tried to calm myself down. I knew I was a jealous person. Everyone knew. And I know Sweet Pea. He wasn’t the kind to care if I was jealous or not. He came outside, voices were raised. I ended up punching the wall of the Wyrm in anger. After feeling like my knuckles were on fire, I felt a lot better. I apologised, he accepted it with a sigh, as usual, and asked if I was hungry. That’s how we ended up in Pop’s.

Is she the one? The one you've been dreaming of?
Is she the one?

I knew we had our troubles, hell everyone does. I thought it was our thing. Get angry, release the tension by screaming at each other, one of us ends up punching an inanimate object, we apologise and that’s that. If only I knew that would lead to the end of us.

*Flashback*

As we sat in Pop’s, his arm was around my shoulders but we were still barely speaking. We shared cheesy fries and a vanilla milkshake. I was just away to apologise for the millionth time when the little bell to signal someone walked in the door went off. In walks this blonde dressed in blue jeans, nude heels and fur coat. I glared as I looked at her up and down, judging her before she even opened her mouth. I saw out the corner of my eye Pea glancing at her, an interested expression showing on his face. I rolled my eyes and shrugged away from his arm. “I’m just going to the toilet” I mumbled to him. I pushed the door open to the woman’s toilet and held on to the sink as I stared at myself in the mirror. I tried to give myself a stern talking to, telling myself that if I was to carry on acting like this, he will leave me. I knew deep down he didn’t love me half as much as I loved him. I was more hassle than I was worth, but the horrors of my past affected me much deeper than the surface and that was something I could not come back from. Sweet Pea had this dream girl he fantasized over, and I was kidding myself if I thought I was her.

I walked out of the toilet to see her standing at the table Sweet Pea was at and slip him a piece of paper. She glanced at me, smiled and walked away. He looked at me as I sat back down, this time across the table from him.

“We need to talk”. I looked at him with a pained expression. I could see his lips moving. “I can’t do this anymore”. This was the moment I dreaded. The moment he realised he could have so much more than me. All noise had been reduced to murmuring, I had to leave. He didn’t even try to chase me. That was the last time I spoke to him.

I'm tired of staying up all night with you on my mind
Still I'm laying here, yeah, I'm laying in the shirt you used to like
No, I shouldn't mind

So here I am, lying on my bed in my trailer, staring at the ceiling. This is how I spend my nights. Not even sure how much I’ve slept in the past 3 months. Or even if I have at all. Toni and Fangs tried for the first month to get me out and about but their efforts were futile. They’ve given up now. I only ever leave my trailer to go do Serpent jobs for Penny. Not an ideal situation but I feel nothing so it doesn’t faze me anymore. I do what I have to do to keep my trailer. I’m wearing the shirt Pea always said was his favourite, anything to keep him close to me. He was my entire world, and I would give anything to be his again. Jughead checks on me every day just to make sure I’m still alive. Nothing will cheer me up. I pick up my phone and scroll through Instagram, seeing a new post by Sweet Pea. It’s of him and her sitting on his motorbike. He is looking at someone past the camera and laughing whilst she is looking straight at the lens. My heart aches and a tear rolls down my cheek. As I stare at the picture, something catches my eye. I zoom in on the picture. On his wrist is the bracelet I gave him for his birthday. I can’t believe my eyes. Why would he still wear it? Does she know who he got it from? I’m in utter shock. I’m not sure what to do with this information. I call Toni and she answers on the second ring.

“I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me when my phone started to ring.” She laughs down the phone.

“Oh haha, very funny”, I say. “Just a quick one for you, you at the Wyrm?”

“It’s Friday night, of course I’m at the Wyrm. And thanks for making it a quick one, it’s not as if I haven’t spoken to you properly in weeks or anything.”
I roll my eyes at her reply. “Yeah ok, listen is Pea there? With her?”

She goes quiet and sighs after a minute. “Yes he is but she isn’t. She is away for the weekend with her North Side buddies. Why? I hope you aren’t planning anything stupid. He loves her.”

I roll my eyes. “Listen Toni, I have been friends with Pea forever. Ok I haven’t spoken to him in a few months but I’m done moping around. I just want to speak to him. I’ll be there in half an hour.” I hang up the phone before she has a chance to respond to the lies I’ve just told. I look at the time, 2030. Still early enough to arrive at 9 and catch him before he drinks too much. I decide I need to dress to impress, so I pick out my favourite lace sleeved crop top, my skin tight black jeans and my heeled black boots. I swipe on some make up, making my green eyes pop with black eyeliner and my go-to red lipstick. I look in the mirror and nod my head in approval. I look good. On my way out I grab my serpent jacket and the keys to my bike.

Soon enough I’m outside the Whyte Wyrm. I take a big deep breath and open the doors. Familiar scents swarm my nostrils, stale smoke and liquor. I had not been here in too long. I look over to the bar where Toni is serving. She catches my eye, her eyes go wide and she shakes her head in disbelief. I see her look over at the pool tables where Sweet Pea is in the middle of a game with Tall Boy. A few serpents pat me on the back to say hello as I make my way further into the bar. I hear a wolf whistle and see Fangs throw a wink in my direction. I smirk and he comes over to me. He lowers his head down to my ear and whispers “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? I knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away as soon as you saw that picture he uploaded. I’m not stupid, I seen the bracelet he was wearing. I’m not going to stop you from doing this, I totally ship it and you were amazing together regardless of how much you fought.” He smiles down at me and walks towards the bar, most likely to stop Toni from coming over and talking me down.

I can feel Pea staring at me. I can feel his eyes raking up and down my body. I slowly lift my head to meet his gaze. The pool table is between us, but I don’t want to move any closer. I take in his tired appearance and a look of concern crosses my face. “God he is so handsome I almost forgot how much better he looks in real life” I think to myself. He looks at me in confusion. I give him a small smile, turn around and walk back towards the exit. I know that if he wants to talk, he will follow me.

I walk round the side of the bar and light up a cigarette. My heart is pounding in my chest as I take a long drag. I’m starting to regret coming here, now I’m in the situation, what will I say to him? What if he doesn’t follow? I’ll wait 10 minutes and if he doesn’t come out I will go home again, I think to myself. Just as these thoughts go through my mind, I hear the door opening and closing again and then the sound of heavy boots against the stony ground. I feel Pea brush against me as he leans against the wall.

“So, you saw the picture then, huh?” He says in a rough voice. God, how much I’ve missed that voice.

“Yeah I did. Does she know who gave you that bracelet?”

“No.”

“Then why are you wearing it? Is it on purpose, just to drag me out of my trailer?”

“Maybe.”

I sigh and push myself off the wall. I turn round and look him in the eyes. “I’m not gonna lie. I miss you so fucking much. It killed me when I seen you two together. I know I was the cause of us failing, but I can’t stand this. I can’t stand knowing she gets to do whatever she wants to you and she treats you so much better than I ever would. But I need to know. Does she move your body like I moved your body? I want to know. Does she make you feel wanted? Is she all you wanted? I wanna know. I need to know, Pea. Are we worth fighting for? Is she the one that I couldn’t be for you? I hate that you’re the one that I never get over, that I wanna get closer to. I’m tired of staying up all night with you on my mind. I’ve not slept since we broke up. You kept me alive. I know we were toxic for each other but I can’t live without you. If she is all you want, let me know right now and I’ll accept it. But that picture proves you still think about me. So tell me. I want to know”.

I take a deep breath after my speech and look at the ground. He doesn’t say anything. I feel all hope leave my body. I feel tears roll down my cheek. I look at my hands and nod, accepting this fate. As I go to turn round and walk back towards my bike defeated, I feel his hand on my wrist. Pea spins me around to look at him. He cups his hand round my face. I lower my eyes again.

“Princess look at me.”

I look up at him, surprised that he’s using his old nickname for me.

“You are an enigma I didn’t know I needed in my life until you were gone. She doesn’t have the fire that you have. I thought she was what I wanted, but she’s not. I need someone unpredictable, to keep me on my toes. She’s good, but she doesn’t have the same passion as you and I do. I need the passion in everything, not just the sex. I need the heated arguments, I need the insane jealousy. I thought by cutting that out it would make life easier, little did I know that I didn’t want easier. Easy is boring. I need uncertainty, I need someone that matches my hunger and desire. I need you, Princess. I need the fire you bring to everything that you do. I need sexy and rough not pretty and sweet. I’m sorry for leaving you like that. Not to sound cheesy, but I did not know what I had until I didn’t have it anymore. I know we fight, but think of how good the make up sex is.” I laugh as he winks at me. “Seriously though, I’m in love with you. So in love with you. Will you take me back?”

I feel him wiping the tears away that I did not know were rolling down my cheek and bite my lip.

“Don’t do that, you know how that turns me on” he groans. I smirk at him and lean in. He closes the distance. The sparks are immediate. He deepens the kiss and I pull away.

“I’ll meet you at my trailer right after you break up with that preppy slut. I’ll make sure you forget the last three months even happened.”

I send him a wink and walk away, making sure to swing my hips more than usual.

I turn to give him a smirk as I hear him groan and go to grab his phone.

“Yeah we need to talk”. I hear him say as I get on my bike.