Shadows From the Abyss

Shawn bolted upright in bed, his breathing ragged, sweat on his neck, chest and forehead. He frantically looked around the dark loft apartment around him, terrified of where the shadow that had been chasing him disappeared to. But he saw no monsters in the soft glow from the street lights outside. Only moving boxes and what hadn't been packed up yet.

The violent shaking of a dog collar reassured him he was back in reality as his faithful dog Bayley came trotting across the room and licked his shaking hand. The white on the center of her face and chest glowed in the dark room, a beacon to give him hope that everything was okay and his nightly nightmare was just that; a nightmare. She hopped on the full size bed and sat beside him with a heavy sigh.

"My little savior," Shawn smiled, petting her head gently before he laid back and tried to slow his pounding heart. Tonight's nightmare was an incredibly vivid replay of the afternoon his half brother, Frankito, had sexually assaulted him back at their father's home in Oakland. Shawn licked his dry lips, feeling phantom tennis ball fuzz clogging his throat. He rolled over and gently circled his hand off the side of the bed, trying to locate his water bottle on the floor without knocking it over. When he finally grazed the side with his finger, he adjusted his hand and gripped the room temperature bottle.

Take a sip of water and take a breath. It's over. It was just a dream. Shawn thought to himself. He sat up again, the warm light from the street lamp hitting his eyes. He winced and turned his head away, letting his eyes fall on the digital clock on his night stand. 4:15 the red letters glowed. 4:16. Shawn sighed and took a sip of water. It was 1:16 back in California so his father would likely be asleep; he had to try and ride this one out on his own. Deep breath in........and let it out. He's locked up and can't hurt you here. He felt his heart rate start to slow as he scratched Bayley behind her ears.She was the best dog he could have asked her; a border collie pit bull mix. She was intelligent and beautiful, but stubborn and crazy sometimes. When he was upbeat and full of energy, she trotted along beside him anywhere he went and when he was feeling down and out she sat beside him and rode the wave out with him. He was never alone with his companion by his side. Not anymore.

"You're such a good girl, Bayley," He smiled. "Wanna try this sleep thing again?" He looked around the apartment one more time, making sure there was no angry shadow man lurking in the corners.

The apartment was barren, what little furniture he owned already donated aside from his bed and bedside table. The walls that were once covered in photos and posters were now empty and bare, aside from the back accent wall he had hand painted two years ago when he moved in. The curtains on the four windows had been taken down, allowing the light from outside to pour in and flood the room, illuminating the white walls. The fridge and kitchenette had been emptied and packed away. Tomorrow he would move in with his grandparents three miles down the road, taking over his mother's childhood bedroom. All he was taking with him was his pictures, clothes, bed and dog, That was all he needed in this world.

Shawn laid back down and took a deep, cleansing breath, letting his eyes slowly close. Tomorrow was a new day. He would take what little was left, shove it in a U-Haul and leave his apartment behind. He wasn't excited about losing some of his independence but it beat moving all the way back to California where his father would undoubtedly watch and question his every move. It was great he wanted to help Shawn cope and get better, but being locked in the house and asked 'How are you' every hour was not the way to do it. His grandparents had already set a curfew of two AM and to make sure he was taking his meds and eating dinner every day, but other than that he was free to do as he wished and go where he wanted.

Suddenly, the atmosphere of the room shifted from relaxed and warm to tense and freezing cold. Shawn opened his eyes and slowly lifted his head, still seeing nothing. Bayley had fallen back asleep and was snoring softly, causing Shawn to think maybe he was imagining the temperature drop. He closed his eyes and rolled over, trying to relax and drift back off. But the room remained cold, the air thick and heavy. It's nothing. Just go to sleep. Just relax.

Someone was standing over him. Someone angry. Shawn began to shake, his heart racing and his blood pressure rising. No. This wasn't real. It was all in his head. Frankito wasn't here, Billie Joe wasn't here, no one was here. It was just him and the dog. The room was just cold from a storm rolling in, right? That's why the air was so heavy? Had to be, since there was no one looming over him, inches from his face, glaring at him.

An ear piercing screech came roaring into Shawn's ear suddenly, causing him to throw the covers back and fall to the floor in terror. He shoved himself against the cold plaster wall before turning around, his eyes wide with fear. He expected to see a phantom looming over him, it's face red with rage, a scream that sounded like a freight train. But there was nothing. Not a damn thing. No phantom, no enraged half-brother, nothing but the dog looking down at him from the bed. His eyes burned with tears, his stomach churned with fear, his ears rang loudly. The room started to slowly rotate around him. It was all in his head, it had to be. There was no one there. But the room remained cold, the air so thick he thought he might choke on it. A sob escaped his lips as he started to shake, pulling his legs up to his chest and putting his head in his hands. Bayley sat beside him, sniffing around his ear, trying to comfort him. Shawn lifted his head and held on to her as he began crying. He was losing his grip on what was going on in his head. Dreams, nightmares, hallucinations and memories were all vivid and beginning to run together, blurring reality and what his brain made up.

"What is h-h-happening?" Shawn sobbed, as if Bayley could answer him. "I hate this sh-shit." After sobbing into her fur for several minutes, shaking and hyperventilating, he calmed himself enough to reach for his phone and call his dad. His teeth chattered as he listened to the phone ring. "Please pick up, please da-"

"Hey, buddy," Tre whispered on the other end, "rough night?"

"Dad," Shawn broke into sobs again, "I can't make it stop!"

Tre sighed and Shawn could hear him sit up in bed. "Take a deep breath, Shawn. What happened?"

Shawn took a breath, trying to slow the spinning of the room, the pounding of his head and heart. "I had the nightmare again-"

"The nightmare or the flashback?"

"Both. It started as the flashback, and then it turned into the nightmare," It began as the assault, vivid and painful, and then instead of Billie Joe bursting through the door to rescue the teenager, it was nothing but a shadow. And it was angry. Instead of saving Shawn and pulling him away from his attacker, it ran at him, red eyes glowing from its own eternal darkness, rage emitting from it, filling the air. "I couldn't fight it off, I couldn't stop it."

"It's not your fault, Shawn,"

"I could have done better,"

"Shawn-"

"Dad-"

Tre sighed and Shawn heard his lighter ignite. He rarely smoked, but late night phone calls with Shawn were so regular now, he needed to to remain calm. Shawn heard him take a long drag and exhale before he spoke again. "Babe, we've been over this night after night. Nothing that happened to you was your fault."

"But-"

"How was today?" Tre interjected, not wanting to hear his son blame himself for things beyond his control. That wouldn't get them anywhere but trying to find the trigger might.

"It was ok. I packed up the last of everything, talked to Mama K about tomorrow, nothing special," He knew what his father was doing. Distract him from blaming himself and try to get to the root of the problem. Shawn could feel the room slow down and his heart wasn't pounding against his chest quite as violently. "I went and got my tarot cards read."

"How did that go?"

"Good. I feel better about moving in with Mama K and Papa Dave. She told me I was on the right path to healing but I had a long way to go with lots of challenges to come." There was a few seconds of silence and Shawn could practically hear his father rolling his eyes as he took another drag. "It helps, dad."

"I'm not saying anything, kid," Tre coughed, "if talking to a stranger about aspects of your life and future helps, go for it." There was another long silence. "Shawn....you know you can always come home, right?"

Shawn sighed and put his head back against the wall. "Dad-"

"Please just listen to me, ok? I know I can be overbearing sometimes, but it's because I'm worried about you, buddy. I don't want to just lock you up or send you off somewhere. I know Papa Dave and Mama K will take great care of you, but it's never the same as taking care of your own child."

"I like my freedom."

"And you can have that here! I know there's a lot of shit that happened to us all out here-"

"To me." Shawn corrected.

Tre sighed again. "You're right. We're talking about you. I'm sorry. But I know you were put through hell. And I feel awful every day I couldn't see what you were going through and protect you from it. If I had known, Shawn, I would have gotten you out of that bullshit immediately."

"But I hid things from you."

"I wasn't going to say that."

"But you thought it.'

"Shawn-"

It was Shawn's turn to sigh. "I know you want to help. I know that's all you want. But I don't want to be out there. It's too toxic and painful."

"I know. I understand." There was the sound of papers rustling. "So the next leg of the tour is about to kick off and we're coming to North Carolina for a stop this fall."

"Oh?"

"Uh let me see here....Raleigh. On September first. Will you please come hang out with us for the day? It's been way too long since we've all seen you."

Shawn mustered a small smile, his heart finally at a normal pace, the room still. "Okay, Dad. I'll come see you guys."

"Awesome! Hell, if you want, you can ride down the east coast with us to Tampa. Whatever you want. I just really want to see you."

"I know. I'm sorry I've been away for so long. It just hurts being out there, ya know?"

"Yeah I know. And I'm sorry I've been so busy with the tour I can't come out there more often. You know if I could I would." The only chance they had had to see each other since their Christmas visit was the previous month when the tour left Duluth, Georgia and headed to Norfolk, Virginia. But Shawn hadn't been in a well enough head space to leave the apartment and didn't want anyone leaving their predetermined path to just be disappointed.

'I know, Dad."

"Feeling any better?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do. Thanks Dad." Shawn smiled, petting Bayley, rubbing her ears.

"Are you gonna try to go back to sleep?"

"I think I'm gonna go for a walk. Take Bayley out with me and get some air."

"Ok bud. I'm gonna head back to sleep, ok? If you need anything else, don't hesitate to call me."

"Thanks for waking up. I just really needed to talk to someone."

"Anytime, sweetie. I love you."

"I love you too, Dad. Good night." Shawn hung up his phone and sighed, looking down at his dog. "Wanna go out?"

Shawn put Bayley's collar and leash on her and they walked down the stairs and out the door together. It was almost 5 am now. There were a few cars on the road now, mostly bakers and baristas going to work to prepare for the morning rush. As they walked, Shawn looked around Elm Street, knowing walking down this street wouldn't be the same after the move. They walked past the Civil Rights Museum, the window display cases lit up and shining extra light on the sidewalk in front of them. Shawn stopped and picked up the penny shining in the light. Heads up, it was going to be a good day. He smiled and stuck it in his pocket and they continued down to the park.

Once the gate was pushed open to the dog play area, Bayley was unclipped from her leash and able to run around as Shawn took a seat on the bench. He pulled his phone out and checked social media, but nothing of much interest popped up. Just ads, Amber Alerts, one friend got a new job, someone else was moving to a different state, He signed and put his phone up, sitting back against the back of the bench. There was a long day ahead of him, but it would be ok. Just keep moving, avoid any angry demons, don't do anything to intentionally harm yourself, love your dog. It'll be fine. He smiled as the sun started to rise, the sky slowly starting to lighten up from a deep almost black to a rich navy. Soon it would be lighter blue, purple, pink, then blue again. It was the start of a new day.