Shadows From the Abyss

Shawn sat on the stairs with his step brother and half sister, all three finally back to earth from their high. Joey swore it hadn't been laced with anything but Shawn wasn't so sure. Now that he was back down he just felt bummed out and uncomfortable. He refused to go to his father's house for an extended period of time and the thought of staying in this house another night made his skin crawl. All he had given Billie was snark since they had gotten here and even he was getting tired of it.

But tonight, now that he was down all he could think about was the last time his mother had really been in this house. She was six months pregnant with his sister and really didn't want to travel across the country but he had wanted to be in California for his birthday. So for her son's happiness, she sucked it up and rode across the country in the Mustang and spent two weeks in a place she hated just so he could have the day he wanted.

He remembered his birthday being exactly what he wanted: a day at the beach with just his parents. How many nine year olds could say they cruised down Highway 1 to Santa Cruz in a classic muscle car with the top down? He could still smell the leather seats and feel the heat from the June sun as salt air filled his nose. He remembered playing in the surf at the beach with his Dad while his Mom laid out and drank seven Capri Sun's. She kept saying her blood sugar was probably bottoming out and she was exhausted but she refused to leave before Shawn wanted to.

"Mom?" Shawn asked, worried by the pained look on his mother's face.

"I'm okay," She whimpered, holding her stomach and leaning forward. "Shit."

"What's wrong?" His Father asked, becoming visibly nervous.

"She's riding super low and won't stop moving," Iva groaned, pushing on the underside of her swollen stomach. "She kicked my fucking spine this morning."

"Want me to rub your back?" Tre offered.

"Please," Iva whimpered through gritted teeth. She looked up at her son and forced a weak smile. "Really glad you didn't get active until the last month. You were just big. Ahh fuck, right there!"

"We can go home if you want," Shawn offered.

"Do you want to go home?"

"No..."

"Then we won't go home. It's your day, babe." She groaned and curled her toes with a loud crack as her ex husband worked on a knot in her lower back. "Fuuuuck."

The rest of the day had gone perfectly. Seeing his parents walking hand in hand down the boardwalk with him was exactly what he wanted, even if it was only so his mother wouldn't get left behind. When they finally got home that night he remembered Billie rubbing his mom's shoulders while she soaked her feet and Shawn went on and on about how much fun he had. Everything was perfect. Then the next morning happened.

"Hey man, you okay?" Joey asked, seeing Shawn zoned out with a look of despair on his face.

"I gotta get outta here, man," Shawn mumbled, trying to think of where he could go.

He could hear his mother's screams of pain ringing in his ear, her pleading with her husband to make it stop as he assured her in a shaking voice that help was on the way. He remembered a siren approaching the house and hearing Mike’s motorcycle roar up to the house. And in an instant the chaos and panic was suddenly over and it was just him and Mike sitting on the stairs waiting for his Dad to come get him.

He could see Joey in front of him in real time but was still stuck in his traumatic flashback, seeing his Dad walking in with a panicked look on his face, unsure of what to do or what to say. He felt Ramona rubbing his back but he couldn’t break out of his own head.

“Shawn,” Joey’s voice was only an echo in his ears.

Shawn dug his hands into his hair, trying not to start crying as a feeling of dread settled in the pit of his stomach. "No, I can't do this again," He whimpered.

"I'm gonna go get help," Joey said to Ramona before disappearing. Where in the hell were all the parents when you needed them? He pushed the back door open and stepped out on the the patio and found Sara, Mike and Brittney. "Sara, where's your husband?"

Sara looked up. "What's wrong?"

"Shawn's freaking out and we need help. Where the hell is he?"

"Basement."

Joey turned and ran back inside and to the basement door, which of coarse was locked. He took in a deep breath and started hitting the door as hard and fast as he could until he finally heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs.

"The fuck is wrong with you?" His father yelled when he swung the door open, anger and annoyance burning in his eyes.

"We need help," Joey tried his best not to yell back. "Shawn's freaking the fuck out."

"Shit," Billie sighed. He turned and went back downstairs and returned with Tre and Dave behind him.

"Come on," Joey led the group back to the front stairs where Shawn was now a crying heap in Ramona's arms.

"It's okay, you're safe," She said softly, stoking his hair.

"I want Mom!" He managed between sobs.

"Shawn," Tre said softly, taking a step closer, "buddy, what happened?"

"She's so fucking loud," He wailed before finally lifting his head. His cheeks were bright red and streaked from tears, his eyes ice burg blue but vacant. He looked from his father to his step father to his grandfather before getting up and running to Papa Dave, who pulled him tight into a hug and held his there. "I wanna go home," He cried.

"I know bud, it's not easy being here," Dave said calmly. "But it's only a few more days and then we'll be back home."

"No," Shawn protested.

"Whoa," Billie heard a voice say and looked up to see the three youngest children at the top of the stairs.

"Go back, now," He said sternly. Brixton and Ruby both turned and left but Gloria stayed. "Gloria London, now,"

"Fine," She sighed before turning and following the other two.

Billie turned back to the scene unfolding in front of him. This was his fault, it had to be. He should have left Shawn alone and told Gloria he couldn't come out here. This city was toxic and he didn't need to be out here, just like his mother. "Fuck," He sighed before leaving the room and heading out the front door. Just stay out of the way, let the kid have his meltdown, and if he wants to leave don't try and stop him.

The door opened and closed behind him and he heard Tre huff a loud sigh.

"We've danced around this shit for too long."

"What do you mean?" Billie turned and look at his friend and immediately wished he hadn't when he saw the anger burning in his eyes. "Whoa, what-"

"The fuck did you say to him earlier? He's begging to go home."

"I didn't say anything,"

"Bullshit!"

Billie blinked and backed up, a bit worried Tre was going to take a swing at him. "When he got here he had a bad attitude so I've been avoiding him hoping he'll chill out."

"Oh no, the damage was done fucking years ago!" Tre seethed.

"I thought we were past this,"

"You were past it!" He yelled suddenly, taking a step closer, fists clenched. "Kinda fucking hard to get over someone you trusted taking advantage of your son!"

Billie scowled. "You fucking abandoned him when he needed you most! Don't blame the results of your shit parenting on me!"

"How would you feel, huh? How the fuck would you feel if I stole Jake away from you?"

Billie growled, a fit of rage burning inside of him. This was about to get physical.

"You always had to win! You fucking won with Iva and you fucking won with Shawn!"

"I didn't win jack shit, asshole! You just fucked up what you had and I had to pick up the pieces!"

“You have no idea the shit you put people through! Do you have any idea how shitty it feels to be married to someone and know you aren’t their first choice, that they're fucking settling for you?”

“Oh is that why you cheated and treated her like shit?”

The door flung open and Mike stepped out, closed the door quietly and then swiftly grabbed ahold of both Billie and Tre and drug them down the front steps. “You scared the fucking kids. Let’s take a damn walk and settle this.”

Tre and Billie stayed silent as they were hauled through the gate and down the street to a quiet area where there weren’t a bunch of neighbors who would hear them. Mike finally stopped and shoved them both forward. “Well, go ahead and kill each other.”

The pair stared at each other, sizing one another up. Who would swing first?

“No cheap shots, don’t break jaws or noses, nothing below the belt,” Mike said sternly. “Have at it.”

“You fucking use people,” Tre said through clenched teeth, “you’re the only person you fucking care about. Making Iva give you the keys back to that fucking metal death trap she loved so much was the best feeling because I finally came out on top. I finally had something you wanted but couldn’t have any more.”

“And look how long that lasted before you fucked it up,” Billie sneered with a grin. “But it’s never your fault, right?” He looked at Mike. “What are the verbal rules?”

“You can’t take it back so make sure you mean it and won’t regret it.” Mike folded his arms and waited. If they wanted to act like children he was going to treat them like children. “Remember, the tour isn’t over yet. And I will be damned if we cancel it because you two are fucking idiots. Let’s get this shit over with, I don’t have all night.”

“You ruined your own marriage,” Billie started, “you made the choice that ended it-“

“She fucking ran off with someone else-“

“Because you treated her like property! She was your wife! She fucking loved you!”

“Hardly!”

“She wouldn’t have married you if she hardly loved you.”

Tre stayed silent, a seething rage still burning hot under his skin. “You lead Shawn on.”

“And that was wrong,”

“You fucked him and broke his fucking heart!” Tre yelled, stepping closer to the front man. “And for what? You’ve known him since he was a fucking bump inside of his mother and you had the fucking nerve to lay your filthy fucking hands on him!”

“And I fucking regret that shit every day!” Billie yelled back. “If I could undo that shit I would in a fucking heartbeat! And I get it! If someone did that to my kids I’d fucking kill them myself! I deserve that anger from you, that’s fucking fine, I’ll accept that, but I wasn’t the only one to destroy him emotionally. You’re just as guilty.”

“Oh bul-“

“His brother fucking abused him and you did nothing! You fucking defended Franky and turned your back on Shawn! How the fuck could you do that?”

Mike sighed and pinched and bridge of his nose. “Iva would have nothing to do with either of you. You both fucking suck and have treated her kid like shit.”

“Fuck off,” The pair said in unison.

“So what the fuck would you have done?” Tre almost laughed in Billie’s face. “Jake accuses Joey of some awful shit, who do you support and who do you condem?”

Billie stayed silent, not sure how to answer and not wanting to give Tre more fuel.

“Yeah, not so easy, huh?”

“Fuck you,” Billie spat.

"Shawn is my fucking responsibility! I'm his father, not you!"

"I stepped up when you fucking failed him! I did the shit you couldn't and wouldn't do!"

Tre's eyes narrowed and he snarled. "Yeah, you really did some shit I wouldn't do, sick fuck! Was it one last power play for you? One last slight against me? You got his Mom, why not get his affection too. The ultimate little collection.”

“I’m not some fucking monster with a vendetta against you!”

Billie heard Tre laugh before he felt something hard smash against his forehead. He stumbled back, trying and nearly failing to regain his footing before he caught a right hook across the jaw, causing him to bite his tongue hard.

“Watch the jaw!” Mike called out, dropping his arms and getting ready to break up the fight.

“You’re a fucking bastard!” Tre yelled, shoving Billie in the chest and knocking him to the ground.

Billie groaned and tried to sit up. He tasted blood and spat. “Fucking hell,” He mumbled, checking that he didn’t just bite a hole into his tongue.

“Get up!” Tre screamed before delivering a round house kick to Billie’s left shoulder. “Get the fuck up!”

“Back!” Mike barked, walking between the two. “Give him a damn second. You just knocked him on his ass.” He looked down at Billie, who was now laying on his back, the wind knocked out of him. “Get up or give it.”

Billie huffed, trying to catch his breath. “Jesus....fucking....Christ....” His head was pounding and his jaw tingled. There was a lot of anger behind those hits. He wiggled the fingers on his left hand, making sure he could still feel everything before slowly sitting back up.

Tre started to move in again but Mike stepped in and blocked him. “Let him get up.”

Billie slowly pulled himself to his feet, still struggling to catch his breath. He spat again and checked to make sure all his teeth were intact before putting his hands behind his back. “Okay. Take your best shot.”

“You’re fucking crazy,” Mike rolled his eyes before stepping out from between the two. If this was how he wanted it, so be it.

“Whoa whoa wait!” Billie protested and quickly removed his contacts. He wasn’t going to fight back so vision was pointless and if he was gonna get punched in the eye why risk something going wrong?

“You’re an idiot,” Mike sighed, taking the tiny lenses off of his friend's finger. “Alright, let’s finish this bullshit.”

Billie put his hands behind his back again and took a deep breath. This was gonna suck. “I’m sorry, Frank. I fucked you over more times than I can count and I deserve this. I love you, man.”

Tre rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah yeah. Love you too. But fuck you!” He pulled his fist back and unloaded the hardest punch he could, which landed perfectly on the left side of Billie’s face. He watched in slow motion as he fell back and bounced as he hit the concrete below, knocked out cold from the force and impact. “Piece of shit,” He mumbled, shaking his hand, making sure nothing was broken.

“Feel any better?” Mike asked.

“It doesn’t undo anything but...kinda.”

“Well, it wasn’t much of a fight but you won.”

***********************************************************************

Brittney waited for the screaming match on the porch to stop before she approached Shawn, who was even more distraught hearing his father and step father going at it outside. She looked at Dave and nodded. "Hey Shawn, would staying at our house tonight help at all? It'll get you out of here and away from all of this."

Shawn sniffed and nodded, whipping tears from his face and eyes.

"Go upstairs and get your bag and we'll leave in a few minutes, okay bud?"

The pair watched as he went upstairs. "Thank you," Dave said quietly.

"Not a problem," Brittney sighed. "I sent Mike to handle the other bullshit."

"I shouldn't have let him come back here,"

"No, we just put too much trust in those two acting like adults for once," Brittney sighed. "Can you help me herd children?"

By the time she and Sara were getting all the kids in the car, there was three figures walking back up the street.

"Do we yell at them or just give them silence?" Sara asked.

"They know what they did," Brittney replied, checking Gloria's seat belt before closing the door.

"Leaving already?" Tre asked as they approached.

Brittney looked at her husband. "We're gonna have a house full of children so don't be too late please."

"Who all's sleeping over?"

"All of them," Brittney forced a smile. "Gloria already asked for a sleepover, I will be damned if I leave Shawn here," She shot a look over to Billie, "Joey and Ramona refuse to leave his side because they want to make sure he's okay, and Jake and Stella are attached at the hip so I can't break them up. So they're all coming to our house and we'll make it work somehow."

Billie felt Mike's icy glare boring into the side of his head. "He'll behave himself. Can I say goodnight to G now, please?"

Brittney pursed her lips, tempted to say no. "Wipe your face first. You're gonna scare her if she knows you got smacked around. She's been through enough tonight."

Billie sighed and tried to straighten himself up, which is difficult when you don't have a mirror and everything is out of focus anyway. When Brittney stepped aside, he assumed he was better and opened the car door. "G?"

"What?" Her voice was cold, a sour look on her face.

"I'm sorry your night didn't go the way you wanted. I know that was mostly my fault."

"Whatever."

"Can I make it up to you?"

"No."

Billie took a shaky breath. "I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

"'Kay."

"Can I have a goodnight kiss?" Gloria didn't say anything, but stuck her hand out, still refusing to look at her father. He kissed her hand and tried not to sigh again, feeling defeated. She really was just like her mother. "I love you."

"You too,"

"Bye babe," Billie closed the car door and tried not to cry. He really had pissed her off. "Fuck,"

"Go inside and ice your face. The swelling's gonna start soon." Mike said, crossing his arms and leaning against the trunk of his wife's car as Jake and Stella walked down the stairs arm in arm. "Oi, lover boy. Come here."

Jake looked up and looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Shit."

"Keep your hands to yourself and behave," Billie told his youngest son as they walked past each other. He walked up the stairs and opened the front door and walked in to find Shawn and Dave embraced at the bottom of the stairs.

"We're gonna get through this, okay? If you need me you call me and I'll find a way to come get you. And if you wake up tomorrow and still want to go home we'll get an early flight."

"Okay," Shawn replied softly, still obviously shaken.

Dave looked up and saw Billie and instinctively pulled Shawn closer. "I'm proud of you."

"I lost it," Shawn whimpered.

"But you didn't hide away. You let people help you, you've made a lot of progress."

Billie just walked out without saying anything. He really shouldn't have called Shawn back out here. He rounded the corner of the kitchen and found Joey and Ramona grabbing two wine bottles off the counter that Mike had brought. "What are you doing?"

"We're gonna help him get through the night," Ramona replied, sticking one of the bottles in her purse.

"Wine is an awful idea right now,"

"It's to keep him talking, not to fuck him up anymore." Joey replied dryly. "When he's sober he shuts up and we won't get anywhere if he won't talk about things." He looked up at his father and grimaced. "Tre hit you, didn't he?"

"Huh?" Billie felt the side of his face and winced. "Yeah, I deserved it."

"Yeah, yeah ya did," Ramona scoffed, catching Billie and Joey off guard. "Shawn was already freaking out, you two screaming at each other just made it worse. So thanks for that." She looked at Joey and took a deep breath. "I'm gonna go give Dad an earful too and then I'll get Shawn in the car,"

Billie raised and eyebrow and waited for her to leave the kitchen before he spoke again. "Well, tonight was something."

"She's right you know. You don't start a fight when someone's already panicking. You didn't see him losing his shit after you left. He blames himself for everything."

Billie sighed and opened the freezer and pulled out a frozen bag of peas and pressed it against the left side of his face with a groan. "Yeah, I ruined everything. Your sister made that abundantly clear."

"You made her cry."

"Fuck."

"I'm gonna try and go fix your mess now," Joey sighed, spinning his car keys on his finger. "Here's to hoping I can talk him down."

"You're a great kid, Joey," Billie smiled weakly.

"Something like that."

********************************************************************
"I thought we were going to my Dad's," Stella groaned as the car came to a stop.

"We will after this," Joey replied, cutting the engine. "Everyone out. We need all the love and support we can get."

The five young adults stayed at the empty underpass for an hour, screaming into the night about things they hated, loved, anything they could think of as an excuse to be loud and get all their pent up rage and energy out as they polished off a bottle of wine.

"Alright," Joey finally cleared his throat, which was raw from screaming his head off, "Shawn, you get to do us the honors," He popped the trunk and pulled out a baseball bat. He walked around the car and put the bottle down and held the bat out. "Let the rage out, brother."

"I really don't want to," Shawn hesitated.

"Don't want to or don't need to?"

Shawn paused and took a breath before taking the bat from his step brother. He lined up his shot as everyone backed away. He saw faces flashing across the clear glass. His father, his step father, his mother, his half brother. He heard their voices in his head, yelling at him, telling him he was worthless, lying and saying them loved him before they would leave him. A boiling red hot rage bubbled in his stomach as he remembered the day his mother told him she had cancer, the day his father turned his back on him, the day his half brother abused him, his step father demanding to be left alone when Shawn had no one else. Everyone had hurt him, everyone had lied to him. The roar that he emitted as the anger bubbled up from his stomach and flew out of his mouth was almost inhuman.

"I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!" SMASH

The bat came down on the bottle and obliterated it in one hit, sending millions of glass shards flying everywhere.

"Down!" Jake yelled as glass came flying over the roof of the car towards the group. They ducked down and waited as glass rained down everywhere, Shawn's enraged scream echoing off the concrete walls and tearing at their hearts. "Holy shit," He finally whispered when everything was silent. The sound of Shawn sobbing snapped them all back.

"Shawn!" Joey called out as he stood up and ran around the car. His step brother was on his knees, shaking as he sobbed with anger. "Come here," He pulled him to his feet and embraced him as tight as he could. "It's okay." He let Shawn unravel in his arms, holding him up when he tried to drop back down.

The group collected themselves around their step and half brother and hugged him tight.

"I don't know everything you've been through, and I won't say I know how you feel," Joey said softly, "and I can't even begin to understand how frustrated you are with everything and everyone, but you are more loved than you know. Your our brother and we're always going to have your back and support you no matter what you're dealing with. Our parents might have failed you, but we're always here for you."

"I can't let it go," Shawn sobbed.

"You don't have to. If hate or fear or anger is what pushes you to keep going, let it. Get up every day and fight like hell. You can be angry and still grow, but you have to let yourself heal. And you have. You still have a long road ahead but I am so proud of how far you've come in the past two years."

Shawn clenched his chattering teeth and tried to keep breathing. "I hate him...so fucking much..."

"We all do. But he's gone and we aren't letting him back in, okay? He's never gonna hurt you again." Joey's words were firm but it felt like he meant it, that he'd do anything to protect Shawn. "I can't get him out of your memory but I'll be damned if he ever gets near you. And it wasn't your fault. I never want to hear you blame yourself for that again."

Shawn sniffled and tried to slow his heart rate. "I fuckin miss Mom, man."

"We all miss her," Jake chimed in. "She was an awesome woman."

"Can I tell you something?" Joey said, pulling back and putting his hands on Shawn's shoulders. "Your mom was the best stepmother I could have asked for. Like, when Dad told me they were getting married finally I didn't even flinch because I knew everything would be fine and she'd make sure we were okay."

Shawn finally caught his breath and smiled slightly, wiping tears from his eyes and cheeks.

"I remember there was this one time I was trying to call Dad to get advice on something and he was asleep but she sat up for like an hour and a half and talked me through my bullshit and gave me solid life advice."

"You guys remember in 2009 when she took the three of us on the tour and wrangled all of us like it was nothing?" Shawn smirked.

"Yeah until you pulled that shit when we were in Nashville and you dumped salt all over the floor and our waitress almost fell," Jake laughed.

"Oh she kicked my ass for that," Shawn laughed softly.

"That was my fault..." Joey admitted. "I unscrewed the top hoping you'd dump salt all over your plate."

"Oh you fuck!"

"That would have been funnier," Joey smirked.

"How you feeling, Shawn?" Ramona finally asked.

"Better," Shawn sighed and smiled. "Thanks, guys."

"Heeeey," Joey bent down and grabbed a piece of glass. "Brotherhood blood oath?"

"How about matching tattoos instead?"

"Even better idea," Joey grinned. "Alright kids, let's roll out."

When they finally got to Mike's house, all the windows were dark. It was almost 1 A.M. so they were sure everyone was already asleep. When Stella quietly opened the door, they walked in and found the living room had been set up for a giant sleep over with two queen sized blow up mattresses, bowls of popcorn sitting out and Netflix queued up on the TV.

"Your Dad is the best," Joey proclaimed, laying on his stomach in front of the tv and grabbing the remote and a bowl of popcorn. "Ryan Hamilton it is."

Mike woke up randomly at 3 and walked out to check and see if the kids were home yet. He found Ramona, Shawn and Joey dog piled on one bed, which warmed his heart that they were sticking together and supporting each other. Then he noticed Stella and Jake cuddled up on the other, which stole any warmth from his heart and replaced it with annoyance. So he pulled the stopper from the mattress and let the air out of it and went back to bed while the pair slowly hit the floor.