Shadows From the Abyss

Mike walked down the hallway, yawning as he went. He stopped and surveyed his living room and smiled, even though Jake and Stella were still cuddled up on the now deflated air mattress. He was just glad everyone was safe after the chaos from the night before. Then he noticed one was missing.

He strolled into the kitchen and turned the coffee pot on, letting it groan to life as it filled the house with it's lovely rich scent. He turned and looked out the patio door and saw a very familiar head of brown hair watching the sun rise outside. Mike poured two mugs of coffee and headed out to join him. "I was wondering where you went."

Shawn turned and smiled as Mike put a mug down on the table beside him. "Already got a drink but thanks," He picked up his bottle of wine and took a swig before taking another drag off his cigarette.

"No good morning starts with wine and a cigarette, kid," Mike smirked, sitting beside him and taking a cigarette out of the pack on the table. "Smoking with coffee, however,"

"Hair of the dog, Mike. Thought you quit again?"

"Very few a far between. When did you start again?"

"Last night. Can't smoke back home with grandma's allergies. I've missed it."

"It'll fuckin kill ya, please be careful." Mike took a long drag and put his head back. "Where'd you guys go last night?"

"MacArthur Freeway underpass. Had a long therapy session and got a lot of anger out."

"Good. The three of us had one too. Your Dad knocked Billie out."

"Good," Shawn almost snarled before sipping his coffee and taking another drag. "Wanna know what's the biggest bummer of it all? When Mom was alive, he was a fantastic step dad. Like, he was everything I could have wanted. Even for four years after, he was there with exactly what I needed when I needed it. Then shit the fan and ever since I can hardly stand the fucking sight of him."

Mike shifted, Shawn's anger palpable and understandable. "None of us did you any favors."

Shawn scoffed. "Sometimes I wonder if Mom had married you instead if things would have been normal."

Mike sighed and smirked. "I loved your Mom like crazy but that wasn't meant to work." He sipped his coffee, feeling more awake. "You gonna head back early or try and stick it out a few more days?"

"I think I'll at least make it to tomorrow. Joey wanted to go get matching tattoos today with me and Ramona. After last night we've earned it."

Mike finished his cigarette and smiled. "Your Mom was always worried you three wouldn't get along. I'm glad you and Joey clicked so well."

"He really helped me through last night." A sly grin crept across his face. "So Jake and Stella, huh?"

"Oh shut up,"

"I know you're the one who deflated their mattress," Shawn beamed. "Was it a scare tactic?"

"Don't question my motives," Mike laughed softly. "Alright, finish up and come help me with breakfast." He stood up and stretched and ruffled Shawn's hair before getting his coffee and heading back inside.

Shawn laughed and sat for another minute in the silent morning atmosphere, embracing the early May chill that still hung in the air as the sun rose slowly. He sighed happily as he finished his cigarette and took another sip of coffee before heading inside to help Mike cook for everyone.
*********************************************************

Shawn laid back and closed his eyes, the loud buzz of the tattoo gun filling his ears, it's needle stabbing into his skin over and over again, but it was a good feeling. His older sister squeezed his hand and he smiled. This was nice, a hell of a lot better than the night before.

"So why a pale green star?" Joey asked.

"Well, you and Ramona called the sun and the moon so I needed something cool. Plus it's an Everclear reference. My Mom loved them."

"Are they still a thing?"

"Yeah, still touring and putting out albums. I got to go see them last October. Great fuckin show even after all these years,"

The conversation died off and Shawn closed his eyes again, remembering when they had moved into the townhouse Mike bought on 39th Avenue. One of the first things his Mom did was put up fairy lights and glow in the dark moons and stars in his room.

“Kid, your Dad and I can’t give you a normal life,” She cut the light off and Shawn gasped as the ceiling above him came to life, “but I can give you the moon and the stars.”

“That’s so cool!”

His Mom sat beside him on the bed and held him tight against her. “I know it’s probably weird right now being in a new place.”

“Kinda.”

“Well, it’s a new start. You take a space, you make it your own super cool vision and then you make awesome memories and carry them with you wherever you go.” She smiled and kissed the top of her son’s head.

“Are we gonna move again?”

“Hopefully not anytime soon, bud. And til then, you’ll have the cosmos above you to keep you safe at night.”

He sucked in a breath as the shading process started, trying not to move his leg as the needle pierced his skin over and over again. He breathed out slowly, his hand starting to shake. "Ow."

"You're almost done," His sister said sweetly, rubbing her thumb across the back of his hand. "This isn't your first, is it?"

"Nah, the sunflower on my chest was,"

"For your Mom I'm assuming?"

"They were her favorite," He groaned. "That shit hurt way less than this."

"You know what would be really cool?" His artist said over the loud buzz, "adding some UV ink to this so when you go somewhere with a black light it glows."

"That'd be badass," Joey smirked.

"I don't have the pain threshold for that so I'll pass." He squeezed Ramona's fingers and gritted his teeth. Almost done. Just push through this last bit.

"Well," The loud buzz suddenly stopped, "if you change your mind, I'll be here." Shawn winced as he cleaned his ankle off. "Alright, you're done. Good job, man."

Shawn let out the breath he had been holding. "Thank God."

Joey smirked and shook his head. "Oh bless you my sweet summer child."

"Ow."
*******************************************************************
Shawn stood in the doorway, quietly watching Mike as he moved around the small office searching for something. "Babe it's not in here," He called out as he closed another drawer on the desk.

"I found it!" Brittney called out from the other room.

Mike sighed and straightened up, finally catching a glimpse of Shawn watching him. "What's up, Chamaco?"

"We're catching a red eye flight back tonight," Shawn said softly. "I can't be out here anymore."

Mike's smile was warm and reassuring. "Well, you gave it a shot."

"Yeah..."

"Something tells me that's not the only thing you came to tell me."

Shawn bit his lip, picking his words carefully. "So, we've been trying to get to the bottom of my dependency problems in therapy. And Jace thinks it's a learned behavior." He paused, trying to read Mike's face but got nothing. "And there's a lot I don't remember or don't know what caused it. So..."

"You want me to fill in the blanks." Mike finished with a grimace.

"You're the only one I trust to be honest about everything."

Mike sighed. "Sit down, I'll be back."

Shawn sat down in a small wooden kitchen chair shoved in the corner. He looked around the small, cluttered room. This was obviously just a storage room Mike had shoved a desk in, probably just so he had a door to close to he could put on headphones and escape from small children for a few minutes.

When Mike returned, he had a bottle of Crown Royal and two shot glasses. "I was hoping this conversation wouldn't come so soon," He pushed the door closed behind him and put the bottle on the desk. He pulled the chair behind the desk around and sat across from Shawn and sighed. "You're sure? Because I'm not gonna sugar coat it and once this train gets started, it's not stopping."

Shawn nodded, watching Mike as he poured two shots and slid one over.

Mike looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna fucking lie to him. I've lied enough for you...hate me if you want...I love you." He threw his shot back and sat forward. "Where do you want me to start?"

"The first marriage," Shawn said softly, throwing his shot back and shuttering.

"Your Dad treated your Mom like shit," Mike ran his hand through his hair, trying to find courage in himself to keep going. He had a bad feeling this was all going to backfire but the kid wanted the truth. "The day after they got engaged everything changed. He became possessive and controlling and we barely saw her. And they got married way too fuckin fast. The turn around from his divorce with Claudia was ridiculous. But he didn't want to listen to me when I told him to take his time, he wanted another wife and another kid and tada..." He stopped, poured himself another shot and downed it. "When I did finally see her at their engagement party, she was a shell of herself. She had lost weight, barely spoke, and just kept drinking. And when she did interact with someone it was the fakest sincerity I've ever seen. I thought Billie was gonna lose him damn mind that night."

Shawn shifted in his seat, starting to regret asking Mike to be honest with him. This was a lot more intense than he thought it would be. But it was coming from Mike, so why the hell was he surprised?

Mike looked up and saw the look on Shawn's face. "Sorry. I did warn you though."

"I didn't say stop," Shawn sighed, pouring two more shots. They downed them together and he waited patiently as Mike collected himself before he continued.

"I talked to her alone that night and she just fuckin fell apart. She was afraid she was making a huge mistake, she didn't want to get trapped out here and never see her family again, but she was too terrified of what would happen if she left." He scoffed, more at himself than anyone else. "I could have fuckin done something. But I didn't."

"Why didn't you?"

"She wouldn't have listened to me. She only ever did once because I didn't give her an option."

Shawn raised an eyebrow.

"We'll get there, don't worry." Mike rubbed the back of his neck nervously and leaned back. "On their wedding day, she was completely different. She seemed genuinely happy and excited to marry your Dad and start a family together. It was fuckin weird. For awhile, everything was okay and they seemed to love each other and enjoy being around each other. And then you came along and everything was calm and blissful. Then about four months after you were born, something clicked and it went right back to how it had been when they were engaged. A lot of drinking, screaming matches, your Dad walking out and leaving her with you alone, she was drunk any time she didn't have you because she was barely older than you are now and had no clue how else to cope. So she stuck it out for your sake because she wanted the whole family thing to work out because what other options did she have? If she left there was no way she could keep you, he had all the power and leverage."

Shawn winced. He knew how fiery his father's temper could be and how nasty he was at times. He was grateful he at least had Billie to turn to, a bridge his mother had burned. "Fuck that shit, man. How old was I when they split?"

"I think you were just shy of two. You were already running around and kind of talking because you were trying to keep up with Fr-" Mike immediately stopped and blinked. "Shit, sorry."

Shawn winced and nodded. "You were on a roll, it's okay." He poured and downed another shot, feeling the whiskey warm his stomach, a feeling that slowly filled his body. He moved his fingers and sighed.

There was about a minute of silence before Mike sighed. "Yeah, you were almost two."

"And then she split for LA,"

"I can't blame her. I just wish it had been with someone better." The look that fell over Mike's face was one of pure disappointment and anger. "Fuck Brian."

"I remember him visiting when we moved back home but I don't remember when they were dating."

Mike scoffed, clearly trying not to let his anger get the better of him. "He treated your Mom like shit too. He used her for sex, fuckin cheated on her just like your Dad did, she tried to fucking kill herself and got hospitalized and he got her hooked on fucking cocaine."

Shawn sat there in stunned silence. He didn't know any of that. Holy shit. Mike grabbed the bottle off the desk and skipped the shot glass all together, taking a lot swig straight. He slammed it back down, his hands shaking, his breathing uneven and heavy. He was about to lose his shit. Seeing him this worked up was actually pretty scary, since he was usually the calm and collected one of the trio.

"Hey," Shawn reached out and put a hand on Mike's knee, "it's okay. We can stop if it's too much."

"No," Mike croaked, wiping his eyes, "I've held on to this shit for years and I'm fucking tired of it. I have to tell someone and it might as well be you."

"Okay, okay. Just...take a minute."

About two minutes passed as Mike tried and failed several times to calm himself back down. He had never really gotten to process all this anger so he had pushed it down for years and just let it simmer. Finally feeling it release was terrifying and he was afraid of not being able to control himself or regain control if he had to. But he had to finally talk about all the shit that happened.

"Okay," He finally breathed a heavy sigh, his hands still shaking. Deep breaths, Mike. You can do this. Chill out. "Sorry. Just....it's been boiling for years without any release."

"Shit, I know that far too well," Shawn forced a smile.

"So shit hit the fan with Brian pretty quickly. And...." Mike heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes again, trying to bring himself to continue. "I took advantage of it." A tidal wave of shame washed over him. He had never admitted out loud to anyone the bullshit he had contributed to the shit storm that was his friend's life. "I had to get her out of there or she was going to self destruct, so I wedged myself between her and Brian and broke them up."

"How?"

Mike bit his tongue, soaking in his shame. "We had an affair," He admitted softly.

Shawn sat back and folded his arms, trying to control his breathing and not freak out. The warm feeling from the whiskey had been replaced with a icy feeling of dread and a twinge of hatred. No, let Mike explain before you start making judgments, Shawn.

Their blue eyes finally met, Mike's glassy and full of fear and regret. "The feelings were genuine. I really did love her and I would have done anything to get her out of there. And when I found out he had got her hooked on coke, I gave her the ultimatum: either leave him, move back here with me and get clean and we figure shit out from there, or I call your Dad's lawyer and tell him what's up and she loses all parental rights."

Shawn went cold. Mike had used him as a fuckin pawn to get what he wanted. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Shawn tried not to yell. That was some shit Billie would do, not Mike. He was supposed to be the good one.

Mike leaned forward and put his head in his hands, his teeth chattering, trying to cling on to what few scraps of composure he had left.

Seeing him unraveling softened Shawn's edge a bit. "Holy shit, you really didn't tell anyone, did you?" Mike shook his head. "Fuck....really, no one?"

"Billie guessed," Mike whimpered. "I almost killed him to keep him quiet."

Shawn sat back, taking a deep breath and running a shaking hand through his hair. Things were a lot more intense than he could ever have imagined. How in the hell does living with a secret like that for over a decade affect a person? "Jesus Christ, Mike."

Mike sat up suddenly and took a breath, determined to keep going, even if it ripped his heart apart. "I gave her a week to get her shit, leave him and come back. I wasn't sure I was ever gonna see her again. Part of me thought she'd go down there and kill herself or overdose. But on the last day she showed up. Barely acknowledged me that first week and a half she was back."

"You got her detoxed by yourself?"

"Yeah. That shit was terrifying. But we got through it and finally got her healthy again after months of derailment. She went to therapy once a month, took her medications every day, finally got unsupervised visitations and partial custody of you, everything was fantastic."

"I feel like there's an 'and then' coming," Shawn said softly, hanging on Mike's every word.

"And then Billie happened."

Shawn winced. "She didn't cheat on you, did she?"

"Nah, but they finally got to a cordial point where they could hold a conversation and get along for an extended period of time. And I've known them both long enough I knew what was about to happen, so I stepped back."

He sat there in stunned silence for a few moments, letting that last sentence set in. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"Your Mom was content with me, but she wasn't truly happy. And it sucks admitting you aren't what someone truly wants and having to give them space, but I bought her the townhouse on the condition that she still went to therapy and took her meds and took care of herself and you. She did pretty well, I think."

"Yeah, didn't she call you every morning?"

"Mmhm. And if I didn't come over for dinner she called me before bed."

"So basically you kept tabs on her every day."

"No, she just offered up information every day. I didn't make her do anything she didn't want to because I wanted to show her I trusted her to stand on her own and do what she knew she needed to do."

Shawn sighed, relieved they had finally hit a time period he remembered pretty well. But there was one burning question he still had. "So, if everything was going so good, why did we move to North Carolina before I started first grade?"

Mike sighed. "The doctor changed her medication, and the new one wasn't doing anything for her and she bottomed out. By the time they realized they had sent her in to a spiral and tried to correct it she was too jaded to start over with the meds and she quit going to therapy. You two went back to visit her parents for Christmas that year and when you came back she just kept saying she felt so alive back home and needed to get out. She and Billie had been dating again and it had been going really well so I was really worried with how he'd react. She told me she broke up with him...she didn't. He didn't have a fucking clue."

"I remember overhearing her and Dad fighting about the idea of her taking me that far away in January and us leaving in May the same day school finished." Shawn's eyes lit up, suddenly realizing something. "She waited until yall were recording American Idiot in LA...."

"We couldn't stop her if we were busy six hours away."

"So you and Dad knew we were gone and she left him in the dark....that's awful."

"And I thought he knew so I didn't bring it up for nine months because I didn't want to upset him. Your Dad got the apartment for you guys and I guess he swore he wouldn't say anything about it in case Billie flew off the handle one day."

"Fuckin hell....what happened when he found out?"

Mike grimaced. "We got home from LA late at night and the next day he called me first thing in the morning and was screaming so loud I couldn't understand what he was saying so I went to his house thinking it was something medical. The mustang was in the garage with a fucking break up I'm sorry note under the wiper blade and the keys on the kitchen counter. She had taken what few things she left over there with her and left everything that was his from her place and changed her phone number so he couldn't call her. I was afraid he was going to have a brain aneurysm. He was absolutely heart broken and rightfully enraged. You don't just vanish on someone like that."

"What the fuck, Mom..."

"I know he finally got information out of your Dad and got the first flight he could out. I'm not sure what happened but when he came back the next night he was calm. I guess they broke up face to face because for the entire tour he didn't say a word about her. The next time they saw each other was the night we surprised her and your parents shacked up. I guess he took the hint that he wasn't a priority anymore."

The pair sat in silence for what felt like forever, time slowing, the house around them eerily silent. Joey, Jake, Gloria and Ramona had all left, Stella was out with friends, and Brittney had taken Brixton and Ruby out. The silence was heavy, almost suffocating.

"How the fuck are you still friends?" Shawn finally asked.

"I'm not sure," Mike said softly, slowly sitting up. "We fight it out and two days later it's like nothing ever happened. Shit, last night I was expecting more of a fight."

"Oh there was plenty of it."

"Yeah...you can't ever tell them you know all of this."

Shawn took a breath and stood up slowly. "Yeah, I know."

"Be better than us." Mike looked up at him. "Please don't get into even a fraction of the bullshit we get into. Don't fall down that rabbit hole, it's not a hell you want."

Shawn just nodded. "Can you take me to Dad's? I gotta get the hell out of here."
**************************************************************

Saying goodbye to Ramona, Gloria and his father in the San Jose airport that night was almost surreal. He knew he was still set to see his Dad in September at their Raleigh tour stop but he wasn't sure when he would see his sisters again and that broke his heart a bit. But as soon as he got seated on the plane, relief washed over him. He was so elated to go home the take off didn't even make him flinch. It was a nonstop five hour flight to Charlotte from there, so he could finally lay back and process his thoughts. No arguments, no painful memories, just music from his ipod and the joyous feeling of being back east. Whoever said the west coast was the best coast was full of shit.

Papa Dave was asleep almost instantly when they finally leveled out. Shawn put earbuds in and started listening to Welcome to the Drama Club by Everclear, a surprisingly fitting album after the day he had experienced. Underneath Your Western Stars played in his ears as he looked out on the California night sky outside. He closed his eyes, hoping Art Alexakis' voice would help put him to sleep.

Paint the stars in the sky
On the ceiling above our bed
Roll through the night with your blood
Beating hard like a drum inside my head

Paint the stars in the sky
That were shining on the night we met
If we can do this then we can do anything

"Good choice," A familiar voice rang in his ears. He jerked his head up and looked around, but saw no one. Everyone on the plane was gone.

"What in the unholy fuck?" The cabin hadn't been packed but there was at least twenty other people that had just vanished in the matter of two seconds. Oh no, this had to be a dream.

"I always loved that album." It was his mother.

"Oh Jesus Christ, no. Not now."

His Mom stood up from a seat three rows in front of him. She turned and smiled brightly. She wasn't sick, not rail thin as she had been at the end. She looked normal, healthy, happy. Her shoulder length hair was still very much intact, her face full and familiar. She looked so alive. "Hey Shawny Bear."

"You're not here. This isn't fucking real," Shawn scoffed, sliding down in his seat and trying to avoid her. "Nope. Anytime you show up, bad shit happens. Unless I'm dead too I don't wanna see you."

"Kid, just let me talk to you."

"Go away."

"Oh babe," His Mom sighed, walking back and sitting in the empty seat beside him. "Don't be that way. I can get you those answers you want, you know you could have just asked me. Shit, I've been trying to help you out with those dreams I've been sending you."

"I didn't ask for your help."

"No, instead you had Mike pull his heart apart," Her tone dropped, warmth gone. "You kicked Pandora's box wide open, kid."

"I can't believe you did that to Billie."

An angry spark lit in her eyes. "Don't sit there and fuckin judge me for the shit I've done. You didn't do any better yourself."

"Oh fuck off!"

"You know what, no. We're not doing this. We're Christmas Caroling this shit right now and you can see for yourself what happened."

"Bullshit, you can't actually do th-"

His mother put her hand on his forehead and smirked. "And here we go."

Shawn felt cold and fuzzy, like he was made of static. He felt his chest, which was still firm but almost in a Play Doh type of way. The club that was suddenly around him was loud and dark, the stage against the back wall being set up for a band to go on and Foxy Lady by Jimi Hendrix playing over the sound system. He looked around at the people jammed into the small club, but no one noticed him. Was he invisible? He looked to his left and saw his mother, a knowing smirk on her face. He looked to his right and saw her again, this time younger with shorter dark hair, a giant warm smile on her face, her infectious laughter filling his ears. He could tell this was right before their first Christmas back home. He looked at the group of four women she was with but didn’t recognize anyone.

“And enter Romeo,” He heard her say over the music.

He turned and looked to the door and immediately spotted Billie scanning the crowd by the front door.

“Another shot?”

“Oh yes please!”

Shawn’s heart started to speed up as he saw Billie’s eyes narrow and he started making his way across the crowded room. Shit, he had spotted her. He watched him as he slowly followed the edge of the crowd, staying near the wall. He was trying to sneak up on her.

“Fuck,” He mumbled.

“My luck,” his mother sighed as she watched the flashback unfolding in front of her. “Bastard flew out and found me as soon as he realized I was gone.”

Shawn turned, watching her down another shot before turning to face the bar and chat with her friends, unaware her ex was now a few steps away from her, watching.

“You really didn’t have a clue?” He asked.

Billie took a breath and started moving closer.

“Not a damn clue he was directly behind me.”

He watched helplessly as Billie effortlessly stepped up beside Iva and draped his arm across her shoulders. She turned her head and stiffened, realizing what was unfolding. “Shit.”

“Shit,” Shawn breathed.

“Can I talk to you outside, sweetness?”

He watched as his mother grabbed her purse and jacket from the stool behind her and they started heading toward the door. “Fuck.”

“Better follow them if you wanna know what happened. Otherwise this is a waste of our time.”

Shawn pushed through the crowed, trying to keep up with the couple ahead of him without knocking into anyone. Everyone he passed partially phased through him, which was absolutely terrifying but fascinating at the same time. He paused and cautiously stuck his hand out and watched as it effortlessly went through the back of the person in front of him, a tingling sensation engulfing his limb. “Whoa.”

“You’re losing them, kid.”

“Shit, right,” He pulled his hand back and kept moving forward and out the front door into the packed parking lot. He looked around and saw the pair walking up the hill to the upper parking lot, Billie now gripping her arm. “Shit!” He started running to catch up with them, the cold air burning his face and filling his lungs, making it difficult to breath.

“I can’t fucking believe you, this is a new damn low.” Billie said harshly through clenched teeth as they walked. “You couldn’t even fucking call? I had to chase your stupid ass out here?”

“Oh fuck off,” Iva finally snapped, pulling her arm free. “You don't have to drag me away, asshole."

"Why the fuck did you run off?"

"Can we go somewhere that's not freezing cold if we're gonna fight?"

Shawn turned and looked back at his Mom standing behind him, trying to read her expression to figure out what happened next.

She shook her head and snapped her fingers. "The tensest card ride I've ever experienced." The scenery started to change around them, the air warming, and they were transported from the freezing gravel parking lot outside of the club to their fourth floor apartment at Center Pointe in downtown Greensboro. "There's a point to this part I want you to see, otherwise I wouldn't waste your time." She strolled effortless across the hardwood floor to the giant floor to ceiling windows overlooking Elm street below.

Shawn looked around. He hadn't seen this apartment since his Dad bought them the pent house at the top of the building. He had almost forgotten the small open kitchen with large black cabinets, the large living room and dining room with a wall of windows that his mother had effortlessly made feel like a true home. She made a small blank space feel like a mansion with just a few paintings, family photos, a kick ass sectional couch, a big dining table, and his childhood art plastered all over the fridge. He looked at the kitchen and smiled, seeing his favorite childhood plate propped up on the counter beside the sink. Mr. Froggy, a stupid green plate with a happy frog face his Dad had found him at a truck stop on one of their tours when he was little. It was a ridiculous thing to be sentimentally attached to because it's just a porcelain green circle with a frog face painted on it but it was the only consistent thing he saw every morning at breakfast when his parents split up. "What ever happened to that plate, anyway?"

"You'll see."

"You brought me here to watch Mr. Froggy get murdered?" Shawn yelled in shock. That's sadistic.

"Among other things......just shut up and watch."

The sound of keys hitting the lock and the door opening brought his attention back to the entry hallway. He leaned forward and saw his mother and Billie walk in, not holding hands but their pinkies hooked together.

"Oh shit, this place is awesome," Billie exclaimed, dropping his hand and walking over to the window and looking down on the street below.

The pained look on his mother's face broke Shawn's heart. He watched her ghostly but solid figure look up at him. "I miss seeing him get excited like that." She reached out a hand and winced as it phased through his upper arm. "I come back to this memory a lot. It starts and ends shitty but it has some amazing moments as well." She watched as her younger self walked up behind him slowly and wrapped her arms around his waist. "You have no clue how good you had it...."

Billie turned and looked down at his estranged girlfriend. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too." They pulled each other into a tight embrace which lasted what felt like forever. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just vanished on you. You didn't do anything to deserve that."

Billie kissed the top of her head. "I just wish you would have talked to me. I was afraid I had gotten you pregnant and you ran off."

She managed a weak smile. "I wouldn't do that to you."

"Aaaaand...."

Shawn groaned as he watched the pair latch on to each other, hands in each other's hair, exchanging feverish deep kisses. "God dammit, Mom."

"He's hot! And you know this, man!"

Shawn rolled his eyes before walking off, going down the entry hall to his bedroom. He pushed the door open and turned the light on in the small windowless room. The walls were white, despite his mother trying to persuade the building managers to let her paint the walls whatever color he wanted. So instead she had bought him a bunch of posters of anything he could think of and put up more fairy lights and glow in the dark stars above his bed, 'to light your way during your darkest hour'. He smiled, impressed that she had taken a hallow blank shell and once again made it feel cozy and inviting. She was always so good at that. And then he heard a loud crash and his heart sank.

"Oh shit, no!" His mother cried out.

Shawn ran around the corner in time to witness his mother and future step father pull apart and his Mom drop down off the counter, trying not to step on the green shards on the floor.

"Oh shit," Billie groaned. "I'm so sorry. I'll replace it."

"No, it's....it was an accident." She picked up one of the bigger pieces and sighed. "Fuck. He loved this plate."

"I'll get him another one."

She shook her head. "No, you don't have to do that." She looked around and sighed. "Get the broom out of the pantry please."

Billie bit his lip and let his head drop in defeat before sliding off the counter and helping her clean up the broken plate.

"Mr. Forggy, you were a great companion to a little boy who loved you a lot. Thanks for getting him through the tough times with your stupid smiling face that I had to fuckin hand wash every night." She dumped the broken remains in the trash can under the kitchen sink and closed the cabinet door. "Poor dear."

Shawn glared at his mother. "So you murdered my favorite plate while fooling around on the kitchen counter? You told me he broke in the dishwasher!"

"It was an accident, kid. Shit happens, I'm sorry. I would have told you the truth but 'I was trying to get some dick for the first time in almost a year and knocked him off the counter in the heat of passion' didn't feel like it would translate so well to a five year old."

Shawn rolled his eyes and sighed before turning his attention back to the couple in the kitchen. Billie was seated on a stool at the kitchen island looking guilty and ashamed. Iva was digging through the fridge and finally turned back around with several Chinese takeout containers stacked in her arms.

"Stop, babe. It was an accident."

"He's gonna be so upset."

Iva sighed and put the containers down and took Billie's hand. "Remember when I lost Joey's soccer ball down the storm drain at the park last year and made him cry?"

"I don't think that's really the same."

"It's not, but the level of guilt I felt was insane. Shit, I tried going down after it. But it was an accident and he got over it. Shawn will get over Mr. Froggy in due time, I promise. Now quit feeling sorry for yourself, eat something, and tell me about LA."

"When I wasn't drunk I was hungover," Billie sighed with a slight smile, grabbing one of the containers and opening it. "We partied our asses off."

"Yeah, LA will do that to you,"

"I had to schedule my stuff around hangovers."

"Well fuck."

"It's weird though. I have this feeling that we're standing at the edge of something fucking huge, ya know? Like this is gonna be bigger than Dookie was. Or pretty close."

Iva's face lit up. "That's fantastic! I can't wait to hear it."

There was a silence that fell between them. They shared a look before Billie finally broke the silence. "You never told me about what happened when you lived down there."

"Nothing good," Iva scoffed before taking a bite of chicken. "Mike never told you?"

"Told me what?"

She smiled gently and nodded. "Good man. No, I was....strung out pretty much the whole time I was down there. Lot of binge drinking to try and drown my emotions about the divorce. Brian didn't help that at all, he was a vicious bastard sometimes. Other times it was awesome and we really got along. I eventually bottomed out and could barely get out of bed most days so I started doing a line of coke every morning."

Billie's jaw dropped.

"At first one line was enough to get me out of bed, get my shit started and once the ball was rolling I could maintain it on my own without doing any more. That didn't last long and eventually I was just destroying myself with dependency to get anything done." She smirked slightly. "Then your buddy Mr. Pritchard stepped forward and tried to help."

"How could I forget?"

"Yeah that was a bad way for us to go about it. But he gave me something to look forward to so I was able to cut back for a month or two before I derailed again and hit rock bottom."

"As straight laced as you can be, what the hell was your rock bottom?"

"It should have been when I tried to off myself. I don't know why I didn't leave California after that. Instead I stuck around and kept sinking. One night Brian and I went to a party and I got fuckin trashed before we got in some stupid fight and I left. I came to at four in the morning in Chambless in the middle of fuckin nowhere with nothing but a bottle of Jack, a pack of cigarettes and a joint. So I smoked, walked around for a bit in the dark alone, broke my damn heels, drove the four hours back to LA and we had a huge explosive fight before I finally stormed out, got on my flight up to Oakland and Mike saw through my bullshit and gave me the ultimatum of end the relationship and move in with him and get clean or he'd rat me out to Frank's lawyer and I'd lose what little visitation rights I had. As much as I hated him for that, if it weren't for him I'd be dead by now."

Billie sat there, quiet, thinking. "How the hell did you end up in the fuckin desert?"

"I guess I hit 66 and just kept going for awhile. Only six people and a dog live in Chambless. Shit, if I had taken 40 I could have gotten back here in four days. That's what I should have done."

"How long had you been wanting to leave?"

"Honestly since the engagement but practically since the divorce," Iva sighed. "I thought you and I were done so what else did I really have? But I saw how much Frank loved Shawn and I knew he'd fight me to keep him so I didn't leave the state at least. Then after I got back from LA I thought maybe Mike could help me get out but I didn't want to shatter his heart too."

"So I was just easier to run from," He sneered in response.

"That's not what I'm trying to say and you know tha-"

"But it's what you're saying pretty loud and fucking clear."

"Billie, stop."

"Oh fuck off!" Billie suddenly yelled, any calm temperament he was faking gone and replaced with rage and pain. "We were doing fine! And instead of fucking talking to me about what you were dealing with you shut up and ran away! You knew I'd be busy and distracted so you picked your fucking moment and didn't look back!"

"Yeah, I did!" Iva yelled back, "That wasn't the fucking plan but that's what I did!"

"Oh what was your grand fucking scheme, huh?"

There was a long, suffocating pause, his Mother struggling to not hyperventilate, Billie shaking with anger.

"After that fucking date night where we both got stood up, we should have just walked away from each other," She finally said quietly, looking down at the floor. "We shouldn't have had sex, we shouldn't have spent the weekend together, we shouldn't have started dating again."

"Fuck you," Billie whispered.

"It was great but it shouldn't have happened. I've never been good at walking away from you and you fucking know that."

"Well you fucking did this time."

"Yeah, I did. I needed to get the fuck out of there."

"It was going so well...."

Iva sighed, pushing back from the counter and getting up and walking across the room. "I couldn't get better being under you again."

Billie scoffed. "Like you even tried to let me help you. Fuck, I didn't even know you were spiraling again because you pushed through like nothing was wrong!"

"What the hell would you have done differently? Meds didn't work, therapy didn't help, what fucking magic trick could you have pulled to change everything?"

"We could have figured it out together!"

"There is no fucking we!" Iva cried out in frustration. "This is shit I need to work through. You can't fucking help me!"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because you caused most of it!" Iva spat out, her words dripping with venom. "You! You are part of the reason I am so out of my God damn mind! I can love you all I want but that doesn't change the shit you did to me! Just because we get along and care about each other doesn't magically undo the past! And there's some shit you can't fucking look past! And I tried! I tried for so fucking long to forget you choking me, isolating me, fucking following me places, but your fucking temper tantrums are terrifying! It doesn't matter how much you've grown and changed, that fear will always be there that one day you'll snap again and I won't be able to fight you off."

Billie felt a rage burning that he hadn't felt in years. How the fuck could she be saying all this shit after the past year going so smoothly? "You fuckin bitch...."

"Focus on yourself and your band and music and I'll take care of myself and my son. But we're done. We don't fucking need to be with each other right now. It's fucking over, Billie."

Billie stood up forcefully, the stool he was sitting on clattering to the floor behind him. He turned and glared at Iva, a firey rage burning in his eyes, a demented, twisted look on his face. "How the fuck can you do this?" He seethed.

Iva smirked and scoffed. "After the hell I've walked through you don't scare me anymore."

Billie clenched his fists before turning and dramatically walking out without saying a word. He slammed the door behind him with so much force a picture frame fell off the wall and shattered on the floor.

Iva stood there in silence, soaking it in. She had done it; she didn't roll over and give in to him. She had finally stood up for herself and forced him away.

Shawn turned and looked at his mother, who was sitting in a ball on the couch behind him, a pained look on her face. "Like I said, good and bad moments."

"Damn, Mom."

"You were more important," She said quietly. "You were always more important."

Shawn turned and looked back at the flashback unfolding in front of him. He watched as her younger self tried and failed to keep it together, tears streaming down her face, a small whimper escaping her shaking lips. She walked across the living room and picked the broken frame off the wall. "Bastard," She said softly, putting the frame down on the TV stand and walking down the hall to her son's room. She turned the light on and looked around before picking up the red Cosmic Hippo stuffed animal off his bed. She breathed in it's scent and sighed before holding it against her chest and walking back out into the living room, flopping down on the couch.

Shawn raised an eyebrow, seeing two versions of his mother sitting side by side in the same position, the same worn, pained expression. "You didn't lock the door behind him."

"I'm well aware."

"So what happened next?"

The younger version of his mother slumped over suddenly and a loud, ugly cry escaping her throat, the wall finally breaking and the tidal wave of emotional agony crashing through . She clutched her son's stuffed animal against her, holding on to it for dear life as she fell apart.

"A lot of that. I was sure I'd never see him again, and if I ever did he'd be with someone else and would be jaded and hate me."

"Did he come back?"

She smiled slightly and stood up, snapping her fingers again, the room fading around them, the ugly sobbing becoming muffled and faint until it was muted completely, leaving just the two of them. "It's Billie, he always comes back eventually. Showed up two hours later smelling like cigarettes and tasting like whiskey. He gave me this long speech about how even if it hurt like hell he'd give me the space I needed and would do what I needed him to. Blah blah blah unconditional never ending love yada yada maybe he'll marry me one day so on and so fourth maybe one day we'll have a big blended family...." A grin crept across her face in the dark, followed by a slight giggle.

Shawn rolled his eyes and huffed, knowing good an well what line came next, "And then you two had hot passionate burning make up slash break up sex, right?"

"Oh, so much! It was fantastic!" She gushed with delight. "A mind blowing orgasm really changes your attitude."

"You have the weakest constitution of anyone I've ever met," He replied flatly.

"Never claimed to have a strong one, kiddo." She sighed happily, her smile softening a bit. "So did you get what you wanted?"

Shawn sighed and nodded. "Thanks. Even if this does seem like a reckless way to do it."

"It's easier to show you than tell you. So....can I give you some advice?"

"Please."

She reached out and placed both hands on her son's shoulders, her green eyes meet his blue eyes. "Be better than me. I know I gave you shit examples of how to interact with people and deal with problems, but you have the strength and brains to know and do better. Don't let people who don't appreciate you drag you down, stand on your own two feet and you can power through anything. And if you love someone, tell them every chance you get and show them in any way you can."

Shawn smiled, feeling more at ease with himself. Even if she was always a mess, his mother was always able to tell him what he needed to hear when he needed to hear it.

"I love you. You make your father and me so proud, even if you don't feel like you do." She pulled him into a tight embrace.

He squeezed his mother tight, breathing in her all too familiar scent in for the first time in years, his eyes welling with tears. "I love you so much. I miss you every day."

"I know. But I'm always with you." She gave him one final tight squeeze and kissed his head. "Alright kid, I'll stop dragging you through my memories and leave you alone for awhile. The veil has been punctured enough and I gotta leave you some mystery about the afterlife." She smiled warmly before leaning closer to her son's left ear.

Wake up.

Shawn sat bolt upright in his seat, his heart pounding, his breathing ragged. He looked around the dimly lit plane cabin, relieved to see the other passengers had returned and his mother wasn't there anymore. He sat back and ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep, shaking breath. He was still alive, he had the answers he had been wanting, and he was almost home, back to his grandmother, his boyfriend and his dog. Thank God.

"Shawn, you okay?" Papa Dave asked groggily from the seat beside him.

"I'm fine," Shawn whispered with a smile, watching the dark night sky pass outside the small window. "Just ready to be home."