Shadows From the Abyss

“Do we need to go over the packing list again?” Art asked, clipping his ALICE pack closed.

“I think we’ve got it,” Shawn replied, scanning over the list one more time. “Did you get your phone charger?”

“Yup. You packed your medication, yeah?”

“Yup. Got the month refill yesterday so I’m good,” Shawn sighed, zipping his duffel bag shut. “Still not sure how long I’ll stay with them.” The night before, Papa Dave had gotten both his Dad and Step Dad on a Facetime call and reprimanded both of them for how they behaved last time he had seen them and made them swear they’d be sober and not screw it up this time.

“I wouldn’t say the whole month but at least spend a week.” Art shrugged. “Shit, what time is it?”

Shawn glanced at Art’s phone sitting on the bed. “Uh…remind me what 1000 means?”

“Means it’s time to go,” He smirked, picking his phone up. “Ready to roll?”

As they drove down I-40 towards Raleigh-Durham Airport, Shawn couldn’t help but feel nervous as all hell. The dark sky overhead threatened a downpour on the early September morning and he was terrified being on the road with his Dad would lead to something awful; or worse, something wonderful. Art was riding down with them to West Palm Beach on the bus and then would fly back home the following day. If Shawn decided to stay on the tour for the whole duration, he’d get to see Ramona when it wrapped up in New York on the 23rd, but the thought of riding a bus all over the country for almost a month made his head spin. He hadn’t done that since 2011 when his Mom was still alive and there to keep him safe. Dr. Jayce had given him his phone number and Skype contact so they could do a video session while he was gone and if anything popped up between now and then he could call him. It was weird how accommodating and supportive everyone was sometimes.
“Alright, Robin Young, tell me about this storm,” Art mumbled, turning up the radio a bit as the weather report came on.

“Downgraded from a hurricane to a tropical storm, Hurricane Harvey is set to hit the Carolinas this late afternoon into early evening. Residents are being warned by the national weather center to be cautious of flash flooding, possible tornados, and strong wind gusts.”

“I really hope they don’t cancel,” Shawn breathed.

“Babe, gonna be blunt here, I’m more worried about your Dad liking me.”

“He’s gonna love you. You’re charming, handsome-“

“Actively and seriously dating and having sex with his son-“

“It’s gonna be fine,” Shawn laughed.

“I haven’t been this scared of meeting someone since my staff sergeant.” Art shuttered. “That man was fuckin terrifying and his breath was awful as he was screaming at you and calling you a bitch.”

“How the hell did you end up in the army anyway?”

Art rolled his eyes. “I was a shit at seventeen so Dad suggested the navy to straighten me out but Mom went behind his back and signed me up for the army. She sent me off the day I turned eighteen and I didn’t see her again until I graduated from training. When I got sent to Kuwait she couldn’t even look me in the fuckin eye because she was convinced she had signed me up to get killed.”

“Have you seen her since?”

Art scoffed. “When I was in the VA hospital after I nearly got blown up by that IED, she came to see me but didn’t stay long enough to stop crying. I think she blames herself for it.”

“So if you don’t mind my asking, what happened with that? If you don’t want to tell that’s fine too but I’m kinda curious.”

Art thought about it for a few seconds before deciding they were at the point in their relationship where he could be more personal. “Eh screw it, you might as well know at this point. I was a combat medical specialist, aka the idiot they sent to get you when you got shot or nearly killed. Anyway, there was a squad of four guys that got sent out in the morning to do a sweep, one of them fell and broke his ankle and it’s too far to carry him and with all their gear and the heat they could have collapsed from exhaustion if they tried. So my partner Leon and I go out in the truck to take them back and when we park and are walking over to them, we found the IED they were looking for. I got blown about twenty feet before I hit the ground and slid another five, Leon smashed into the side of our truck, and of course the idiots we got sent to help are perfectly fine. It was like a middle finger from God himself because I was mocking Mitchell for breaking his ankle by just walking on flat ground. And when I finally came to, he mocked me while applying pressure to my leg and calling for help. ‘At least I only broke my ankle; you almost lost your leg just walking on flat ground, jackass.’ “

“Jesus, babe.”

“Yeah, after that they gave me and Leon medical discharges. They tried to convince me to stay on, so I bullshitted my way through surgery and pretended I was deaf and could barely move my left leg until they let me go and then I spent the next five months doing daily therapies.”

“Did you and that Mitchell guy hate each other or something?”

“Nah, he’s a cool dude. We were bunk mates so we gave each other shit constantly. He visited me after my surgery and his Mom came and visited me when I was laid up in the VA hospital and thanked me for helping him.” Art was silent for a few seconds before smirking. “If nothing else, I got a wicked cool scar and I could be an EMT with my training if I wanted to.”

“Why don’t you?”

“I’ve seen enough death and suffering for one lifetime. It’s bad enough when you’re in the middle of nowhere covered in someone else’s blood let alone surrounded by witnesses in a crowded city. I think I’m good on not experiencing that.”

Shawn sat there in stunned silence. He really hoped he didn’t just set off any PTSD Art had deep inside of him.

“You good over there?” Art finally asked after a few minutes of silence. “I’m fine, by the way. It took some counseling and long phone calls with Leon but we both made it through. I was ready to get out of their anyway and I got what I wanted, so it was a win win…kinda.”

“Sorry. I didn’t want to make you bring anything bad up-“

“Babe it’s fine, I promise. Kinda feels good to talk about it, ya know? I’d be more upset if it were all for nothing.”

Shawn suddenly had a realization. “Wait, is that why you’re wearing fucking shorts today?”

Art threw his head back as he cackled with laughter. “Scars are ice breakers, babe! I gotta show them I’m a badass somehow.”

Shawn smiled and shook his head. “What am I gonna do with you, babe?”

“Love me forever,”

“Here’s to hoping,”
*************************************************************************
“It will be fine,” Shawn said again as he and Art stood in the parking lot of the Walnut Creek Amphitheater waiting for his Dad to meet them. Art was sweating bullets and slightly shaking, absolutely terrified. “Babe, calm down.”

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“He’s gonna love you. Don’t think of him as my Dad, just pretend he’s anyone else.”

“Babe…You look exactly alike!”

“Minus the nose, thank you very much,” Shawn corrected with a smile. “Just breathe. Besides, aren’t you some big military badass or something like that?”Shawn turned, hearing a golf cart come around the corner. “Oh look, here he comes.”

“I think I’m gonna fucking throw up,”

“Hey Dad!”

“My baby!” Tre yelped with delight, stopping the cart and hopping out. He pulled his son into a tight hug, holding on to him for as long as he could. “God I’ve missed you! You look great!”

Shawn smiled and took a breath. “Dad, this is my boyfriend-“

“Arthur Miller. Great to finally meet you, sir,” Art said confidently, holding his hand out.

Tre raised an eyebrow, looking Art up and down several times behind his dark sunglasses. “Shawn, how much do you like this boy?”

“I love him, Dad. A lot.”

“Well then, if we’re to the point of love we skip handshakes and go straight to hugs.” Tre grinned, “Come here, man. Good to meet ya.”Shawn watched as his Dad and boyfriend hugged it out, and couldn’t help but laugh at the look of melting relief Art had. “So we’ve got you til the 4th, yeah?”

“Yes, sir,” Art replied.

“Good deal, man, good deal.”

Shawn felt a rain drop and looked up. “And so it begins,”

“Alright, let’s get the hell out of here. Put your bags on the back. Art, you’re sitting up front with me, man.”

“I told you he’d like you,” Shawn smirked as they tossed their bags on the rear seat of the cart.

“You’re a fuckin tree, man. You gonna fit on this thing?” Tre asked as Art ducked his head down under the roof of the cart.

“I think I can manage this.”

“How tall are you anyway?”

“Six even, aint no ‘thang.”

Shawn held on to the bags beside him as they rode across the gravel parking lot. The rain was starting to drizzle down, the first outer band of the storm finally hitting.

“So what do you do for a living? Shawn told me you used to be in the army.”

“I work security and bar tend.”

Tre grinned. “Oh I’m gonna keep you busy while you’re here. I’ll teach you how to make a Cheech so you can wow your friends at work.”

“So Dad, is anyone extra here?”

“Nah, just the core group this time. Sara is gonna be at the New York show with your sister though, so there’s some extra incentive to stick around with us if you want.” They rounded the corner and Art gasped at the army of trucks and buses crammed into the loading area. “Pretty neat, huh?”

Shawn turned and scanned the backstage area as the gate was pulled open by security. He was thrilled when he didn’t see Billie waiting around to greet them.

“Mike!” His Dad called out as they drove forward. “Look what I found on the side of the road!”

Mike was leaned against the side of a truck chatting with someone. When he turned and saw Shawn, his face lit up. “Oh shit, it’s the kid!”

“What’s up, Mike?”

As soon as Art stood up from the small cart, Mike groaned and made a face. “Nope, you can’t date this guy.”

“What? Why?”

“He’s taller than me. I’m gonna quit the band, get a complex, try to take over Europe, get exiled to a small island. He’s gotta fuckin go.”

Art stayed silent before both he and Mike started laughing. “Glad you know your foreign dictator history.”

“I’m glad someone got it,” Mike laughed, “good to meet ya, man.”

The group stood and chatted for a few minutes until the rain started coming down harder. Tre finally told Art and Shawn which bus they’d be on for the night and instructed them to go put their stuff up and settle in. There was still almost three hours before sound check so they had time to kill.

“So,” Art mumbled as they walked towards the bus, “there’s still one left to meet. Dark hair, dreamy eyes, glorious voice.”

Shawn groaned and rolled his eyes, pulling the bus door open and heading up the stairs. “He’s a bit of an asshole depending on the day.”

“Who’s a bit of an asshole?” A voice said.

Shawn shrieked and jumped, seeing Billie suddenly in front of him in the narrow bus. “Jesus Christ!”

“No, Jesus was a pretty cool dude,” Billie smirked before looking back at the MacBook sitting in front of him on the table. “Hi, Shawn.”

"Holy shit you’re real!” Art exclaimed, hopping from foot to foot with excitement.

“Yes, I am in fact real,” Billie said flatly, scrolling down whatever web page he was reading. “So who the hell is this?”

Shawn licked his lips, his mouth suddenly dry. “This is, uh, my boyfriend,”

“Boyfriend?” Billie suddenly jerked his head up, his eyes glittering with interest, “You’re the boyfriend?”

“Yeah that’s me,” Art was trying and failing to contain his excitement. “It’s amazing to meet you, sir.”

Billie smirked again. “Please don’t call me Sir. Art, right?”

Shawn stepped aside, pushing his boyfriend forward, not wanting to get caught between the two. He understood why Art was star struck but it was slightly sickening after personally knowing Billie all his life. Their conversation immediately became background noise, a soundtrack to his mind wondering. He looked around the small, dimly lit bus, which reeked of his father’s personal taste. The small knick knacks lining the window were a tradition; at every truck stop, you bought a bunch of small stupid things that made you happy and put them in the window or wherever you can find. How long did he want to stay on the road with them? California is a hell hole, so if he could hop off before then, that’d be best. Maybe stay the week, fly home from Texas, go to the last show in New York? That wasn’t a bad plan. But what if road life was better this time? What if he actually enjoyed it? That was a dangerous idea. Shit, maybe this was a bad idea.

“Oh sweet, finally charged!” Billie cheered before unplugging his laptop and closing the lid. “Alright, I’m outta here, you two have fun. Oh and Art,” Billie stood up and couldn’t help but grin, “if you hurt that kid over there, we’ll hurt you. Play nice, boys,”

Art and Shawn waited for the front man to exit the bus and close the door before they both started laughing.

“He’s cool but he doesn’t scare me in the slightest,” Art shook his head, putting his bag down on the bed at the back of the bus.

"So we have two and a half hours before sound check, which I usually sit and watch. You get some cool moments and hear a lot of good covers.”

“Sounds like a plan, babe.”
**************************************************************************
Art and Shawn stood under the cover of the amphitheater, watching the rain dump down as sound check went on behind them.

“There’s still time to cancel,” Shawn said over the guitar riffing over the speakers.

“Nah, it’s only rain. As long as their equipment doesn’t get wet they’ll be fine,” Art replied. He suddenly jerked before ripping his vibrating phone from his back pocket. “Uh oh.”

“What’s up?”

“Flood watch and tornado warning,”

Sound check wrapped and then someone had the brilliant idea of setting up a slip-n-slide in the downpour. Shawn refused, but didn’t stop Art from joining everyone else running around shirtless and sliding down the lawn on a giant tarp. He just kicked back by the sound booth, drinking a beer, watching the weather reports pour in and taking photos of everyone else getting soaked and having an absolute blast until venue security shut them down, saying a funnel had been seen a few miles away and everyone needed to get inside.

“There’s still time to cancel,” He mumbled as everyone made their way back to the buses to dry off.
The show went on, albeit a little later than originally expected due to the storm. Shawn and Art watched Catfish and the Bottlemen from side stage before heading out into the crowd to watch the main set. The storm had thinned the crowd out a bit, but the venue was still packed, full of excited fans hanging on every lyric, every melody, just beyond thrilled to be there. Even though he had grown up in this world and seeing these people every day and witnessing every aspect of putting on something like this, it still blew Shawn’s mind and thrilled him to experience it in person. The people who raised him transformed from family who loved him into rock stars and it was amazing. The way his step father could command several thousand people and still make it feel like you were the only one there was breath taking, the way Mike’s bass hit you in the chest, lyrics hit you in your soul, drum hits rattled your ears, it was all just astounding.

As Billie played 21 Guns on a black acoustic guitar alone on stage, the way the lyrics smacked Shawn in the heart was profound to say the least. That was his mother’s favorite song and he knew if she had been there she’d be singing along as loud as she could, probably crying while she did. He had missed the feeling of just being a fan of something and getting to live it through that lens, not looking at things through the relationships he had formed. He tried singing along and ultimately failed, tears streaming down his cheeks as he shook with raw emotion. Art put his arms around him and held him close.

“I love you,” Shawn sobbed, turning around and burying his face in his lover’s chest.

“Not nearly as much as I love you,” Art said back, kissing Shawn’s head.

Suddenly the show was over, they were covered in confetti, and everyone around them was filing out. Shawn was grateful no one recognized or even noticed him. Tonight he was just one of the crowd and it felt fantastic.

"That was fucking amazing!” Art gushed as they walked backstage. “Like, holy shit! Thank you! Thank you for bringing me!” As soon as he could see the band ahead, however, he was running full speed towards them, yelling about how amazing the show was.

Shawn hung back, letting him have his moment on cloud nine, a feeling he himself had felt when he met Everclear. It was a moment you hung on to and cherished for years.

“Hey, Shawn,” A voice called out. It was Billie. He stopped, watching his step father walk towards him, somewhat cautiously. “How’d we do? Was it a good show?”

For the first time in years, it was like a film was pulled from his eyes and he saw Billie in a light he hadn’t seen him in in years. His failures, triumphs, shitty moments of poor judgment didn’t matter anymore. He was just someone who gave a shit and enjoyed what he did. All that anger and animosity he had been holding on to for years was suddenly gone, replaced with a feeling of appreciation and, dare he admit it, love.

“It was….it was fucking perfect,” Shawn said softly, feeling his lower lip start to quiver. The hell was this feeling suddenly enveloping him?

Billie smiled and nodded. “I’m glad you enjoyed it, Shawny Bear.”

“You….you haven’t called me that in years….”

Billie shrugged. “Feels right.”

The wall suddenly broke, emotion pouring out of the young man. “I’m sorry,” He whimpered, trying and failing to hold it together.

“Don’t ever be sorry, kid,” Billie said softly, pulling Shawn into a tight hug, holding him close. “It wasn’t your fault. I treated you like shit and pushed you around. You didn’t deserve any of that, do you understand me?”

Shawn nodded, chocking back a sob. He hadn’t felt this close to Billie in years and it felt amazing to finally feel that connection again. He had missed him dearly, missed the love they had for each other. He had always been there for him, since he was a little kid, the only consistent thing in his life from the ages of nine to fifteen.

“I’m sorry I failed you and broke my promise to your mom to protect you and take care of you. Can you forgive me?”

Shawn nodded again.

“I love you, kid. You know that.”

“I love you too.”

“Alright,” Billie finally loosened his grip and let Shawn go. “I’m disgusting and have got to take a damn shower. You go, enjoy the rest of your night with Art and your dad, okay? If you want, we can stop and get breakfast together in the morning, sound good?”

“Sounds fantastic,” Shawn sniffled, “thanks, Billie.”

“Alright, go have fun,” The older man hugged his step son one more time before heading to his bus to take a long shower and unwind after an exhausting show.

Shawn stood there in the darkness alone for a few minutes, just processing what had just happened as crew members hustled around him, the takedown pack up process was well underway. He and Billie were good again…how? After years of bitterness and animosity, it was all suddenly gone in the span of a minute. Was this what it had been like for his Mom as well?

“Babe,” Art called out as he walked towards his boyfriend, “ you okay?”

Shawn took a breath and nodded, a smile on his lips. “Better than I’ve been in years.”