Shadows From the Abyss

Sleeping on a tour bus was always a little weird. You were relaxed but at the same time slightly terrified that you were rocketing down the highway in a 40,000 pound metal box at about seventy miles an hour. The speed and route you took from point A to point B was out of your control, and you trusted someone you had slowly grown to know over the years and hoped would keep control and not kill you. If you had the back room, the sound of the motor rumbling on the other side of the wall hopefully put you to sleep, and if you were in a bunk, you watched something on your phone, read, or hoped you didn’t wake up and think you were trapped in a coffin.

Art and Shawn had the back room, per Tre’s insistence. They had a full sized pull out bed, a TV and a door you could close, which made transitioning to road life slightly easier. That first night was really laid back and relaxed, which put Shawn more at ease that he had made the right choice of coming out on tour. Once everyone was showered and changed into comfy clothes, they all just hung out, watched some TV and chatted before getting ready to head to bed. It was ten and a half hours to West Palm Beach, so it would be a long ride.

“Hey Art,” Tre lifted his head from his phone, a grin on his face, “tomorrow night, you wanna be our bar tender backstage?”

Art shrugged and smiled. “Sure, why not?”

Shawn rolled his eyes and smiled. He was so relieved that his Dad and boyfriend got along so well.

“Tomorrow is gonna be awesome!” Mike cheered, pulling a shirt over his head.

“You ready to head to bed, baby?” Art smiled, taking Shawn’s hand.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a second, okay?”

“Okay, sweets,” He smiled, kissing Shawn’s cheek before saying his good nights to everyone else and heading to the back room.

Shawn looked over at his father. “So what do you think?”

Tre just smiled. “He’s a good kid and I haven’t seen you this happy in years. He can stay.”

“Oh thank God.”

“Were you worried?”

“He was more worried than I was, but yeah.”

The bus door opened, causing everyone to turn and see Billie coming up the stairs, looking stressed out and upset.

“What’s wrong?” Mike asked.

Billie sighed, running a hand through his dark hair. “Mom called. Manson had to be put down.”

A tense silence fell. Manson was the Pomeranian dog Iva had adopted after Gloria was born. He was a nasty little dog who only liked the two women of the house and when Iva passed away, he stuck to Gloria’s side like a shadow. Even though Billie hated that dog, he seemed pretty upset that he was suddenly gone.

“What happened?”

“He just got sick last week and kept getting worse and worse. She took him to the vet and there was nothing they could do so she had to make that call. G is inconsolable and is refusing to talk to anyone.”

“Shit,” Mike sighed.

Billie shrugged. “Nothing any of us can do. If she wants another dog, I’ll get her one eventually. Mom had his paw print cast and had him cremated already.”

“How old was he?” Shawn asked.

“Not sure. The shelter your mom got him from thought he was already five but there’s no telling.” He sighed again. “Alright, I’m going to bed. We still getting breakfast tomorrow?”

“Make it lunch, I wanna sleep in some,”

Billie smirked weakly. “Good plan, kid. Alright, night guys.”

“Night,” Everyone said weakly as he walked to the back and got into his bunk.”

“That fuckin sucks,” Tre said softly.

“Poor kid,” Shawn mumbled. He remembered how awful he felt when Deejah, his childhood dog, had to be put down. He had seen her at Christmas last year and knew she wouldn’t make it another year. She looked fine, but her graying face showed her age and she was a lot slower than the other dogs. Two months later she could barely stand and her liver and kidneys were shutting down. He didn’t get to say goodbye in person but instead over FaceTime, which broke his heart. Humans didn’t deserve the goodness that was dogs. Fuck, now all he wanted to do was hug Bayley. “I’m gonna go lay down and FaceTime your Granddog, my heart hurts.”

The night was filled with strange, vivid dreams. He had a dream about playing with Deejah one final time, him and Art getting lost in a huge abandoned shopping mall and running into Anthony Misiano, and then they all played with slinkies on the escalator until the sprinkler system went off and flooded the entire building. And then there was the long, drawn out, incredibly detailed dream that he knew good and well his mother had planted in his brain to explain how Billie could change so quickly and be so different and pleasant after months or years of being the biggest asshole under the sun. There was no way in hell he would accurately imagine everything that happened. Damn bitch, get out of my head.

“Iva?” Tre called out as he came through the front door of the town house. “Where you at, hun?”

“Upstairs,” She called out. “Did Shawn do okay?”

Tre smiled as he walked up the stairs and into the main bedroom, finding his ex wife in her bathroom putting earrings in. “Yeah, he’s fine.”

“Thank your Dad again for taking him this weekend. I really do appreciate it.” She fluffed her curled brown hair one more time and smiled.

“So you look absolutely fantastic, by the way.”He grinned, taking in her cute black top and skirt paired with a nice flashy necklace and low heels. “Good choices.”

Iva’s face lit up at this little compliment. She was feeling better than she had in years, and was thrilled she and her ex husband had finally found common ground and could get along again.
“Thanks babe, it’s nice feeling balanced again, ya know?”

“So I was thinking we could get dinner before we meet everyone. What do you think?”

Iva raised an eyebrow. “Not like a date, right?”

Her ex shrugged and smiled sheepishly. “Whatever you want, I’m easy.”

“So no, not like a date.”

“Ouch, my heart.”

“You’ll be fine,” She smirked. “Dinner sounds great, though. Where did you have in mind?”
The pair ended up getting Panda Kitchen because cheap Chinese food is the best right before a night of heavy drinking and it was only steps away from The Ruby Room where they were headed. As soon as they made it to the packed bar, Tre bought her a beer…and immediately walked off to chat with one of his friends.

Iva scanned the small bar, searching for some conversation she could hop into so she wasn’t just sitting alone but came up empty handed. Mike and Brittany were locked in some deep conversation in the corner and she didn’t want to be the third wheel and no one else struck her as interesting. Shit, maybe going out had been a bad idea. She should have stayed home and worked on her edits for the online blog she was working for. Fuck. She finished her beer and walked out. Where the hell do you go when you rode with someone else and it’s too far to walk home? Instead of going home, she walked down to Lake Merritt a block over and found a place to sit and watched the sun set. When it was dark and starting to get too chilly to be sitting out alone, she decided she might as well head back to the bar and just find someone to talk to. As she approached the glowing red sign, she heard a familiar voice.

“You finally returned,” Jason White grinned, pulling her into a tight side hug. “I was wondering where you went.”

“Yeah, sitting alone sucks.”

“Don’t feel bad, no one’s talking to me either. Wanna play pool with me?”

The pair went back inside to the bar, which had cleared out a bit but was still obnoxiously red and started playing together. Jason was way better at pool than she was.

“Look who’s fashionably late as always,” Jason suddenly exclaimed.

Iva rolled her eyes, not bothering to look up at the door as she lined her shot up; she already knew good and well who had finally arrived.

“What’s going on, J?” Billie laughed, embracing his friend. He looked down at Iva, who was more than content with ignoring him. “Let me buy you two a round since I’m late as hell. Whatcha drinkin?”

“Whatever’s fine for me,” Jason replied, scanning the table and lining up a shot.

“Iva?”

“I’m good,” She mumbled, not looking up at the front man.

“Oh come on, even if it’s water, let me get you something.”

“Water then, thanks.” She replied flatly.

“So Blue Moon, got it; with an orange.”

“No-“ She turned to look up with him and protest but he had already walked away from her. “Bastard.”

“You know how he operates,” Jason smirked, “and you know as well as I do what his end goal is tonight.”

“I wish it wasn’t,” She groaned, looking at her options on the table. “How am I losing this bad?”She lined up a shot and attempted to hit it but just scratched it. “Fuckin hell.”

“You get a do over,” Jason shrugged, “I’ll take pity on you,” His pity didn’t get her anywhere. Her do-over missed and only gave him an opportunity to sink another ball. “And then there was one!”

She was lining up a desperate shot attempt when Billie came back with drinks in hand. “Can I show you something?” He asked.

“What?” She replied, her annoyance growing and obvious.

He handed Jason his drink and put hers down. “So you have your fingers right, but tighten them up a bit. You’re leaving too much wiggle room for your cue to ruin your shot.”

She rolled her eyes but followed his advice, took her shot, and got a solid hit in the side pocket.

“Told you,” He smirked, “alright, what’s your next move?”

“Think I can get green in the corner?”

“Probably. Want me to help you line it up?”

She shrugged, feeling her defenses melting away under his kind, warm gaze, the smile on his lips bringing her some weird fuzzy feeling that was growing from her chest. “Why not.” Damn him! Damn him and his charm to hell!

“Don’t make her too good, I like winning against someone,” Jason smirked, sipping his beer and sitting back to watch the pair. If this was how they flirted with each other, it was a weird way to do it.

“Okay, let’s see what we got here,”

Iva lined up her shot, making small adjustments.

“Tighten your fingers up, there ya go. Alright, now, you have a ways to go across the table so you need a decent amount of power if you want to make it.” He leaned down beside her, sliding his right arm around her back and grabbing the end of the cue firmly, trying and failing to avoid touching her hand. He felt her body relax a bit under his arm and tried not to laugh. “You’re a little too relaxed right now, hun.”

She stifled a giggle and shook her head. “Whose fault is that?”

Billie snorted and grinned. “Anyway, forgive me for this,” He took a breath and pressed his cheek against hers, “gotta see what you see if this is gonna work.”

Jason rolled his eyes and almost walked away. Billie wasn’t even TRYING to be subtle at this point. He knew from the look on Iva’s face it was already done, he had already won. As soon as she closed her eyes and smiled slightly, that was it; the power struggle was over and it was slightly sickening.
Billie’s touch was soft even though his hands were callused and rough from playing guitar for hours on end, year after year. His skin was warm and a welcomed difference after a night sitting alone outside. His scent was sweet and familiar and a lot nicer than the stale beer smell that enveloped the small obnoxiously red bar. And finally being given undivided attention was so much better than being abandoned and left to sit alone in a bar where you hardly know anyone and can’t just go home.

Tre scowled from across the room, putting a hand on Mike’s shoulder, pulling him out of his conversation. “What in the unholy fuck is happening right now?”

Mike followed his gaze and smirked. “It looks like Jason just beat her at pool. What about it?”

“Not that, jackass!”

That’s when he noticed Billie was beside Iva and could tell from the way they were looking at each other how things were going. Dammit, not again. “You left the antelope alone to fend for herself and the vulture is now circling and is about to pick the baby antelope’s bones clean.”

“What do we do?”

“There’s nothing we can do at this point. We are but the lowly camera crew who has to sit back and watch nature take its course even if it breaks our hearts.”

“That son of a bitch,”

Mike tried not to roll his eyes. The hell did anyone expect at this point? It was an unbreakable pattern with them. They get together, have a lot of sex and fun times, get tired of each other, someone gets their heart broken and cries, then they don’t speak and go in different corners and pout about it. Rinse and repeat every few years. “Whatever, dude.”

“I’m gonna do something-“

“No you aren’t-“

“I’ve gotta stop them-“

“Dude you can’t-“

“Why the hell not?”

“Because!” Mike almost yelled, “You already lost, man! Let it go! You aren’t going to be a rebound, you aren’t gonna magically get back together, it’s over!”

“But she came here with me-“

“And you immediately walked away from her,”

When Tre looked back up, they were both gone suddenly, the door swinging closed behind them. “You’re fucking kidding me!”

“So where are we going?” Iva asked as the duo strolled down the sidewalk in the chilly night air.

“Oh I just wanted to spend time with just you,” Billie smiled, “haven’t heard from you in awhile and wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

“Yeah, just been busy with the kid,” Iva smiled weakly as they crossed the street. “How was your birthday?”

“Not too bad, just laid low and hung out with Mike for the night.”

The pair continued walking for a few blocks, making small talk and sharing a cigarette before Iva finally worked up the courage to drop the casual act. “So what’s your end game for tonight?”

Billie rolled his eyes and smiled shyly. “Can I just give a damn about you and want to spend time with you without it being sexual?”

“It’s us, so no,” Iva smirked, finishing the butt of the cigarette before putting it out on the bottom of her heel. Two weeks prior, after months of barely seeing each other, they managed to get stood up for dates at the same place on the same night and ended up going back to her place for a night of raucous, hot sex.

“Can we talk about two weeks ago? You’ve kinda been avoiding me recently,”

“Only semi-purposefully.” She kept walking, trying not to snicker, knowing teasing him was driving him nuts.

“Iva-“

“How are the boys?” She interrupted.

“They’re fine-“

“Good-“

“You left my proposal unanswered, y’know,”

“Oh I’m well aware.”

“Why?”

Iva stopped walking and shoved her hands in her jacket pockets. “Honestly? I’m just not ready to date again. It’s really nice not having to worry about making someone else happy and just being selfish.”

“So you used me,”

She turned and looked at him and pursed her lips. “No, not intentionally.”

“But you did,”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t expecting you to get all sentimental the next morning. I assumed you’d just leave after I fell asleep.”

“I’m not that callous,”

She sighed and started walking again, wanting to leave the conversation behind.

“What’s so wrong with us dating again?” He started walking after her, trying to catch up.

She shrugged. “Just not feeling it right now,”

“Babe-“

“Nope-“

“Iva,” He reached out and gently grabbed her arm, causing her to stop, “please just hear me out.”

She signed again, knowing she wouldn’t be able to keep walking away and telling him no. “Billie, hun, please-“

“I just want to talk, please.”

She closed her eyes and bit her lip; trying to control the fit she felt building. Throwing a tantrum wouldn’t get her anywhere, and pissing him off wouldn’t help. “Fine.”

They found a bench under a street light and sat down, Iva relived she could finally get off her feet. Heels sucked and she could feel a blister forming.

“Look,” Billie started, putting his arm on the back of the bench, trying to be casual but forward at the same time, “I miss having you around. I miss sitting up all night talking about stupid, meaningless shit with you and laughing at the dumbest things and….I miss that connection we had and how close we were. Like yeah, the sex is fucking spectacular and I’m all for doing that often, but I just feel like there’s something special between us.”

Iva sighed, kicking her heels off and pulling her legs underneath her. She didn’t disagree; there was something special between them that kept drawing them together; something bigger than phenomenal sex. She did miss stupid late night talks about anything under the sun, going on random dates where they just walked around for hours talking about nothing, or everything. “I just…I’m not the same person I was back then, hun. I’ve been married and divorced and I have a kid I have to raise now. And last time, everything just got so fucking complicated-“

“That was entirely my fault,” Billie interjected. “I had some stupid scheme and instead of cherishing you as you were, I tried to mold you into what I needed.”

Iva winced, flashbacks of wonderful nights and horrible fights colliding in her head. The night a storm had knocked the power out and they sat on the kitchen floor eating leftover Chinese food and playing Never Have I Ever for hours before making a blanket fort in the living room and falling asleep snuggled up in front of the fireplace versus the night she had tried to walk away from him and he strangled her while calling her a whore and a stupid bitch. The nights she woke up from a bad dream to find him awake and able to comfort her and assure her everything was okay and that he would keep her safe versus the night he had followed her from Mike’s and forced himself on her. How the hell was that the same person? “Your temper is fucking terrifying,” She whispered, wrapping her arms around herself and sliding away from him.

“I know,” He replied softly, pulling his arm back and looking down. “I’m sorry; I wish I could go back and do right by you and not be an awful person.”

“Awful is an understatement,” She said bluntly and coldly. “All I wanted was a normal relationship and instead I got a shit show I can never tell anyone about. All I did was what you asked of me and you fucking punished me for it. Why the fuck should I give you another chance just so you can do it again or kill me?”

He grimaced at her tone. He deserved this but it still hurt to hear the truth. “All I can do is promise you I’ve changed and won’t hurt you again,”

“I don’t believe that,”

Maybe this was a bad idea. He should have just left her alone, but he had to get this out of his head somehow. “When things are good we’re on the same page and it feels right,”

“And when we aren’t everything is awful and we hate each other,” She wasn’t looking at him but he could see the pain in her expression. “I’m not setting a bad example of love for my son; I want him to grow up being better than me and knowing his worth.”

“That’s all any of us want for our kids,”

“And you aren’t around,” She continued, “There’s no point to dating again if you won’t be here,”

“The masters were stolen,” He sighed, “we have to start all over from scratch so I’m around for a few more months,”

She turned and looked at him. “Are you fucking serious?” He nodded. “Do you know who took them?”

“Could have been anyone; maybe they weren’t stolen, they were just misplaced. But it doesn’t matter; we’re starting over from the beginning.”

“Jesus, that sucks.”

He shrugged. “I wasn’t crazy about how it was going anyway, so I want to do this one better.”

The pair sat in silence at opposite ends of the bench, not looking at each other. Their minds churned with things they wanted to say, both bitter and loving. They drove each other insane but couldn’t stay away no matter how hard they tried.

“I just want to be your B-Babe again,” He said softly, using the nickname she had lovingly given him years ago when they first fell in love. He gently put his left hand down in the space between, hoping but not expecting her to put hers down as well.

“Things have to be different,” Iva finally whispered. “I need you to fucking swear to me you’ll be better, because if you aren’t, I’m gone and I’m not coming back.”

Billie lifted his head, his eyes wide with disbelief. “They will be, I promise you.”

“I’m not moving in with you. I’m not giving up my life to be your puppet play thing. My child will always come before you. And I will be damned if you control me or even try to.”

“Whatever you want.”

Iva sighed softly before finally nodding and placing her right hand softly on his left. He almost couldn’t believe she had actually agreed to date him again after everything; holy shit.

He took a breath and smiled softly. “I lov-“

“Shut up,” She said, a small smile creeping across her red lips, “B-Babe.”

Shawn opened his eyes and sat up in bed, the rumble of the engine reminding him he was on the tour bus. He looked beside him in the darkness and could barely make out Art’s bare back turned to him. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. Anytime he had a dream like that, he always woke up feeling like he was being watched, but not in a horror movie way. But like always, he didn’t see anyone standing over him.

He slowly pulled himself out of bed, struggling to find his footing at first but slowly getting balanced and making his way out of the small back room. When he entered the main area of the bus, everything was quiet, save for soft snores coming from the bunks on either side of him. As he slowly walked to the fridge to get a bottle of water, however, he became aware he wasn’t alone.

Billie was sitting alone on the couch wearing nothing but sweat pants and his glasses while watching something on his Mac Book.

“What are you doing up?” Shawn asked.

The older man looked up and sighed. “I already suck at sleeping, but my kid’s heart is broken and there’s nothing I can do about it so I’m over thinking.”

He sat across from his step father and cracked open the bottle. “I mean, like you said earlier, there’s nothing you could have done.”

“I just feel shitty not being there for her, y’know?”

Shawn nodded and sipped his water. “Watcha watchin?”

“Game of Thrones.”

“You all caught up?”

“Yeah, just rewatching the last season.”

“Who do you want to take the thone?”

Billie thought about it for a second and shrugged. “Probably Arya, what about you?”

“I want it to come down to her and Tyrion and for him to just walk away and give it to her. He has no use for it anyway.”

Billie just nodded and rubbed his nose before yawning. The pair sat in silence, Billie suddenly looking exhausted. “How long do you think you’ll stay with us?”

Shawn shrugged, sipping his water again. “I’m not going back to California, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah, your mother always told me the same thing,” Billie smirked.

Shawn looked out the giant window and watched the road flying by under them. He could tell from how black the sky was it was the early hours of the morning, but he wasn’t quite sure what time it was. It didn’t matter anyway, on off days there wasn’t much of a schedule unless the band had interviews or press stuff scheduled. If there wasn’t, you did what you wanted and enjoyed a day off. Every once in awhile a car would pass them going the opposite direction on the highway. He always wondered if it was a fan that suddenly got excited seeing the convoy of trucks and clearly labeled bus, realizing how close they were to a band they loved so much. But he doubted that ever really happened, he just hoped someone was that lucky occasionally.

Billie closed the lid of his laptop and rubbed his eyes. “So does Art treat you right?”

Shawn couldn’t help but smile. “He treats me like gold, man.”

“Damn right he does. Do you love him?”

He nodded. “He’s made my life so much better. I can’t imagine a future without him in it.”

Billie smiled a crooked smile. “I’m glad you’ve finally found someone who loves you, kid. You deserve a great life.” He stood up and stretched before scratching the back of his head. “Alright, I’m gonna try to get some sleep. Don’t stay up too long, okay?”

“Night B-Babe,” Shawn grinned and laughed as Billie lightly thumped him on the head before heading to bed.