Status: This is the new shit, stand up and admit
Shadows From the Abyss
Moving
Shawn sat in the window of his apartment, feeling the sun heating his back as he scrolled through his phone. Today he was turning the keys over and loading the last of his things into his grandfather's car and moving into his mother's old bedroom at her childhood home. He knew he needed the extra support his grandparents could provide but was bummed the freedom to drink and fuck all he wanted was being pulled away from him. "God damn, not a single match," He muttered, checking his inbox again. Nothing. It's difficult to find a partner when all anyone on a dating app seems to want is an easy lay.
A car door closed outside and Shawn heard a light tap on his door downstairs. "It's open," He called out.
"Hey buddy!" His grandfather's voice floated up the stairs as he entered the loft apartment.
"Hey Papa Dave," Shawn pocketed his phone stood up, watching his grandfather's afro bound up the stairs. Their soft blue eyes met and they embraced. "Thanks for helping me out today."
"Anything for you, kiddo," Papa Dave smiled warmly. He suddenly looked past his grandson and gasped. "Hey Bayley!"
Shawn rolled his eyes as his grandfather became more absorbed in his granddog than he did his grandson. The dog was adorable, yes, but damn! Whatever, it would be easier to load the truck if they were both distracted. Papa Dave didn't show any signs of slowing down anytime soon but why risk him hurting his back, anyway? "Keep the dog occupied, I'll get this knocked out."
"Can do," Papa Dave said as he and the dog began a game of tug of war.
Shawn made several trips up and down the stairs, loading what few boxes were left and his mattress into the U-Haul truck outside. After pulling the roll door down and locking it, he turned and sat on the bumper, staring up at his apartment one final time. This truly was the end of a chapter. This was the only place he had lived in this state since his mother passed away down the street, the safe haven he had built for himself his senior year of high school and the hiding hole he ran back to when college had proven to be too much. The smell of coffee from the coffee shop below him woke him up every morning, or assured him he would be okay after he had paced the floors all night amid a mental meltdown. He sighed, fighting back tears. Instead he would be in a drafty condo, in a small back bedroom that used to be his mother's. There's no escaping your grief when you're at the center of it all.
The apartment door opened and Papa Dave strolled out with Bayley on her leash. "Penny for your thoughts?"
"Just...not looking forward to this change. I'm tired of moving." Shawn sighed as his grandfather and dog sat beside him.
"I know, bud. But hey, better parking and a pool you can use."
And thin walls so you can hear every move I make and every breath I take. Shawn thought and then winced, knowing that stupid song would be playing in his head on loop for the rest of the day. "Yeah I know. And it beats going back to California."
"Have you talked to your dad today?" Papa Dave asked after a few moments of silence.
"Yeah. I had an episode this morning..."
"What did he say?"
"That this is for the best but he wishes I would come home," Shawn rubbed his eyes and ran his hands through his shaggy dark hair. "I know he just wants to help but I wish he'd stop asking me to come back."
Papa Dave laughed and shook his head. "Oh kiddo. You have no idea how much like your mom you are."
"What do you mean?"
"Yall did the same exact thing; she left straight out of high school and ran across the country with Billie. And any time she would call home I would drag as much information out of her as I could to make sure she was safe and taken care of. And any time I asked her to come home when she would be upset it was like talking to a brick wall. She didn't want to hear any of that, even if she was bawling her eyes out about how much she hated everything out there."
"Why didn't you go get her?"
"So she could turn around and go running back? That's a waste of money. If she didn't want to come back, I wasn't going to force her, and if you don't want to go back, Frank shouldn't try to force you to."
Shawn smiled softly. It was nice knowing he wasn't such a surprise to his family.
"My biggest fear was I was going to get a phone call that she was dead."
Shawn turned and looked at his grandfather. He saw his blue eyes glassy with tears. He knew things weren't always great, but he always thought it was so well hidden and disguised no one knew the hell unfolding behind closed doors. No one every talked about things unless it was in a screaming match. And you never called anyone outside of the well crafted phone tree. And God forbid the police got involved. His parents were divorced long before he could remember but he had always heard stories of intense fights that would end in someone walking out and staying gone for the night.
Papa Dave breathed a heavy sigh. "If she had ever asked for help, I would have been on the first plane out to get her, no questions asked. And I know Frank would do the same for you."
"It's so weird hearing him called Frank," Shawn mumbled.
"Yeah well after all the shit I've heard, I'm not exactly his biggest fan and I'm not gracing him with much benevolence. When your mom told me they were getting married I thought I was going to drop dead right then and there."
"Damn, Papa Dave."
"But, when I found out about you, it was the best day ever," Dave smiled and patted his grandson on the shoulder. "so there's that if nothing else."
Shawn felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out. "Oh shit! I finally got a new message on this stupid app!"
"Anything good?"
Shawn opened the dating app that had alerted him. Some guy named Art had messaged him, saying he really liked his photos and was wondering if he was free for dinner some night this coming week. "Hey, I got asked out to dinner so that's cool!"
"See? Already today is looking up," Papa Dave stood up and looked up at the now empty apartment, sniffling and clearing his throat. "Why don't we get this placed locked up and get this ball rolling? You can get unpacked, I'll fire up the grill and we'll have a nice night hanging out."
Shawn thumbed through Art's profile, trying not to get lost in his charming chocolate brown eyes and cool short blonde hair. "Sounds like a plan," He mumbled, trying to contain his smile while trying to mentally craft a reply to his proposition for dinner.
Hey Art! I'd absolutely love to get dinner with you this week! How's tomorrow night sound? I can pick you up around 7 or we could meet somewhere public, whichever you would prefer. Let me know!
"Bud?"
"Shit, sorry," Shawn shook his head and hit send before sliding his phone back into his back pocket. He reached in his front right pocket and pulled a set of keys out. This was it; the end of an era. He locked the apartment door and twisted the nob and pulled, making sure it was locked tight. He leaned back and checked that the windows were closed. Everything was done. He sighed and slid the keys through the mail slot. They fell to the floor just inside the door with a loud clang that echoed through the empty loft, the sound of independence dying. “Alright....it's done."
"Proud of you, bud,"
"Thanks," Shawn felt free but at the same time trapped. Well, if nothing else he still had his own transportation. "I'll take Bayley and meet you at the house." He took her leash from his grandfather and they hugged before parting ways, Dave getting in the truck and Shawn walking around the corner of the building and to the parking lot where his car was parked.
As he approached the cherry red 1967 Ford Mustang shining bright in the afternoon sun, he couldn't help but smile. It was a cool ass car. And with minimal assistance from the adults in his life, he was able to keep it running and in good condition on his own. If he screwed that up he was sure his mother would come back from the dead and kill him herself and then kick his ass in the afterlife. "Alright let's do this," He said as he unlocked and opened the driver side door, pulling the seat forward and letting Bayley hop in. He adjusted the seat back with a load thud and click before sliding in, the hot black leather causing his arms to itch slightly. As the engine roared to life loudly and the metal frame vibrated, he smiled, allowing the convertible top to slowly slide back. It was nice not having to do that by hand anymore. The bright sun and humid May afternoon enveloped him.
"You can do this." He put his left hand on the steering wheel and winced. "Fuck that's fucking hot!" The emergency brake and gear shift weren't any better. But once the pair were rolling down Friendly Avenue with the top down, barely making it through yellow lights, the heat disappeared and nothing mattered anymore. It was just a boy and his dog in their awesome old car on the way to their new home.
“The Jag was never you,” he mumbled up to the sky, hoping his mother was listening. The mustang was always a point of discontent between his parents. Billie had given Iva the mustang as a Christmas present when they were first dating, but always held it over her head as a condition. If they weren’t together, she didn’t get the car. His father, however, was more than happy to buy his young wife a 1996 black Jaguar XJ6. Even during the divorce, he insisted she kept it. Shawn felt his head going cloudy, telling him either a memory or hallucination was coming on. He pulled into a church parking lot and parked, shaking his head trying to fight it off. His memories weren’t always the happiest, but something would always trigger one. Usually it was related in some way, shape or form to what was going on.
”Shawn, go upstairs and play, ok? I have to talk to your daddy,” his mother smiled down at him, removing her sunglasses as they stood in the front room of his father’s Oakland home.
“Ok Mama,” 6 year old Shawn smiled, darting up the stairs. But instead of going to his room, he waited and watched as his father and mother embraced before walking into the kitchen hand in hand. He waited a few moments before silently slipping down the stairs and to his trusty hiding spot in the hall closet. He could never see much but he could hear well enough to listen in on the adult’s conversations he wasn’t supposed to hear.
“So what’s up, babe?” He heard his father ask, sliding a chair back from the kitchen island.
“The tea still has a few minutes to boil. Then we’ll talk, ok?”
Shawn sat quietly in the dark closet, the light coming through the crack in the slightly ajar door all he had. His parents were quiet for a few minutes, but he did hear them kiss and laugh a few times. Adult Shawn knew his mother’s tactic: butter his father up with physical affection and cloud his mind with sex and then drop an atom bomb on him and get what she wanted. It was just to weaken him so he was easier to manipulate. Kid Shawn just thought they liked to be sweet on each other every once in awhile. He heard the tea kettle whistle and got ready to listen again.
“Fuck,” his father muttered.
“Behave,” his mother laughed, taking a seat beside her ex husband. “Alright, so I wanted to talk to you about custody.”
“What about it? What’s wrong?” Tre’s voice was suddenly cold and serious.
Iva was silent for a few seconds, picking her words carefully. “I can’t stay here.”
“What the hell does that mean, Iva?”
“Frank, you know-“
Tre sighed loudly. “Don’t tell me-“
“I don’t want to keep Shawn from you.”
“So what, you want to run across the country with him but I can see him on weekends?” Tre suddenly snapped.
“Lower your voice!” Iva snapped back.
“What the hell is suddenly wrong? You have a beautiful home, a network of people who love and support you without question, we have a good agreement worked out, I buy you whatever you need-“
“I’m not happy here.”
“What more do you want?” Tre suddenly yelled, causing Shawn to tense up. He hated when his father got angry.
Iva slammed her tea mug down on the counter. “Raise your voice at me one more God damn time and I’m taking him and we’ll settle this in court, fucker!”
There was a long silence and Shawn imagined they were both just staring each other down, seeing who would fold first.
“What changed?” Tre finally spoke, his voice much softer and warmer. “What can I do?”
“I haven’t been happy here in years. You know that,” His mother sounded defeated. “I need help and support you can’t give me. Support you can’t buy.”
“Iva-“
“Frank, I love you to death, but I need my family. I can’t keep raising him here. When y’all are gone for months on end, I have no help. Nothing.”
Tre sighed, his voice wavering with emotion. “You know I hate leaving you here alone with him. I’ve offered to-“
“I don’t want a nanny. I don’t want him on a tour bus for months on end. He needs stability.”
Another long silence was finally broken by a heavy sigh. “Where do you want to go?”
“Back to North Carolina,” Iva’s voice was soft and weak. “He’s about to start first grade. My parents can help me. But I want him here with you every chance he can.”
“Yeah right.”
“Frank, please. I’d never try to keep him from you, you know that.”
“Sure,” Tre’s voice was freezing over again, his doubt apparent and clear.
“When I was locked up in that damn hospital I had a lot of time to think things through. You can provide for him better, but when you aren’t around I’m in that house alone. And it’s terrible. If something happens and you’re in another country, I can’t just go to my parents around the corner for help.”
“And if you move across the country and something happens to you, what the hell am I supposed to do?”
Shawn sat through another painfully long silence. His legs were asleep and tingly but he couldn’t move. They would hear him shift and know he was listening. He didn’t want to move across the country. He wanted to stay here with his parents together. Tears stung his eyes but he had to be strong and quiet. It was awful when his parents fought, worse when they sounded like they hated each other.
“I did something stupid,” Iva broke the silence this time. Shawn heard her drop something metal on the counter and there was a long silence that followed.
“Again?” Tre’s voice was like ice, freezing over the entire house. “A-fucking-gain? Are you fucking stupid?”
“Frank-“
“You are insane. You are fucking insane, Iva. This shit with him always ends up the same and you keep doing it.”
“I can’t help myself-“
“Oh for fuck sake! So the one time I fucked up I was weak and pathetic but when you keep hopping in bed with him, it’s because he has some power over you and it’s beyond your control?”
“Stop-“
“And what, now you’re in too deep and want to run away with our kid?”
“It’s not like that!”
“Apparently it is if you keep fucking him!”
“Are you jealous or some shit? Don’t sit there and judge me for who I sleep with-“
“With our kid around!”
“When I was in LA he was with you and you had an affair! Don’t judge me when you did the same shit!”
All Shawn wanted to do was run into the kitchen and beg his parents to stop fighting. He wanted to plead to stay in California with his parents together and happy. He didn’t want to leave his friends and to far far away. This could be fixed, right? Just say you love each other and make up. You love each other, right? They had to love each other.
“Why in the hell do you keep letting him in?”
“I don’t know.”
Tre muttered something harsh that Shawn couldn’t quite understand but based on his mother’s reaction it was nasty.
“Oh go fuck yourself, asshole!” She snatched the keys off the counter and her chair slid back across the floor.
“So you want to break the family up again because you can’t get your shit together?” Shawn heard his father get up as well and quickly reached for the door handle, quietly pulling it closed. They couldn’t know he was in here and had heard everything. It was either about to get physical or someone was going to walk out again. But what if they tried looking for him and couldn’t find him? He was stuck there in the dark until someone tried to walk away. “You keep letting Billie in to destroy you, so Shawn and I get seperated because you can’t handle it anymore! You do this to yourself!”
“Think what you want, we’re done here,” Iva seethed as she left the kitchen. Her footsteps got closer and suddenly stopped. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
“No you don’t get to just fucking walk away from me like that!”
Shawn put his hand over his mouth as tears silently fell from his eyes. Why were they either in love with each other or hating each other? Why couldn’t they just be a normal family?
“I said don-“ There was a soft but firm thump and his mother fell silent.
All Shawn wanted to do was open the door and see what had just happened. He lowered himself slowly and silently to the floor and tried to peak out under the door. He couldn’t see a thing but he could hear them both breathing hard. Adult Shawn knew from hearing a less graphic version of this story that his father had grabbed his mother and held her against the wall so she couldn’t leave. He also determined that in this moment they were probably trying to read each other’s eyes to figure out who was going to give up first and if they were going to have a fist fight to settle this or if they would hate fuck each other again. Because that’s a healthy loving relationship, right?
“You know I will do anything for you,” His father spoke first. His voice still had a sharp edge to it but was much lower. “Why the hell cant you just ask for help when you need it? You know good and well if you had called me and said you needed me there I would have come running.”
This was met with silence and probably a look of anguish.
“I just wish I could be the person you needed,” Tre said softly. “I wish we could all be in one house again.”
“I know,” Iva said softly before chocking back a sob.
“Babe-“
“I’m sorry,” her strength broke as she began to cry softly.
“Come here,” Shawn assumed he has pulled Iva into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry. I just want what’s best for Shawn.”
“I don’t want to k-keep him from you.”
“I know. And I know you won’t try to. But we need to get this worked out before you go any where, sweetie.”
“I know.”
“It’s gonna be ok. I’ll make sure wherever you are, you’re taken care of, okay?” His voice was sweet and reassuring.
“Okay.” Iva whimpered. She sniffles and wiped her eyes. “I can’t get better here. I need to remove myself.”
“I know-“
“I can’t be alone. And he fucking knows that-“
“Babe, I know. You don’t have to explain it. And I’m going to have your back no matter what, ok? Because I love you.”
“Even though I drive you insane.”
“Even when you do,” Tre laughed softly and kissed her forehead. “Look. Let’s go upstairs and you can cry it out and we can figure this shit out together, ok? I don’t want Shawn hearing any more of this.”
“He’s probably heard everything already.” Iva sighed.
Oh please Lord Jesus don’t open the door right behind you. Please don’t already know your kid has heard everything. Shawn was trying not to panick but thought he was going to throw up if that door suddenly swung open.
“Nah, if he went upstairs I doubt that. It’s sound proofed pretty well.”
There was another long silence. “I don’t know if I can trust myself.”
“What do you mean, babe?”
“With you up there alone,” Iva’s voice was soft and warm, all defenses down.
“Let’s just see what happens, ok? We can talk this out and if something happens, so be it. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Fuck, you’re the damn best,” his mother suddenly gasped before another loud thump occurrd, this time right beside the closed door. Then Shawn reslized....ew! They’re kissing again! Adults were gross and weird.
Bayley made a noise of concern that finally jerked Shawn back into reality. They were sitting in an empty church parking lot off Friendly Avenue with nowhere to go but his grandparents house. “Shit, he mumbled, feeling his arms tingle with potential sun burn. While he was glad these flashbacks and new memories were helping his piece together everything that went wrong and why he was the way he was, the timing and causes were awful. He shook his head to clear the cloud that was lifting and put the car back into drive before taking off to finish the journey to their new home.
A car door closed outside and Shawn heard a light tap on his door downstairs. "It's open," He called out.
"Hey buddy!" His grandfather's voice floated up the stairs as he entered the loft apartment.
"Hey Papa Dave," Shawn pocketed his phone stood up, watching his grandfather's afro bound up the stairs. Their soft blue eyes met and they embraced. "Thanks for helping me out today."
"Anything for you, kiddo," Papa Dave smiled warmly. He suddenly looked past his grandson and gasped. "Hey Bayley!"
Shawn rolled his eyes as his grandfather became more absorbed in his granddog than he did his grandson. The dog was adorable, yes, but damn! Whatever, it would be easier to load the truck if they were both distracted. Papa Dave didn't show any signs of slowing down anytime soon but why risk him hurting his back, anyway? "Keep the dog occupied, I'll get this knocked out."
"Can do," Papa Dave said as he and the dog began a game of tug of war.
Shawn made several trips up and down the stairs, loading what few boxes were left and his mattress into the U-Haul truck outside. After pulling the roll door down and locking it, he turned and sat on the bumper, staring up at his apartment one final time. This truly was the end of a chapter. This was the only place he had lived in this state since his mother passed away down the street, the safe haven he had built for himself his senior year of high school and the hiding hole he ran back to when college had proven to be too much. The smell of coffee from the coffee shop below him woke him up every morning, or assured him he would be okay after he had paced the floors all night amid a mental meltdown. He sighed, fighting back tears. Instead he would be in a drafty condo, in a small back bedroom that used to be his mother's. There's no escaping your grief when you're at the center of it all.
The apartment door opened and Papa Dave strolled out with Bayley on her leash. "Penny for your thoughts?"
"Just...not looking forward to this change. I'm tired of moving." Shawn sighed as his grandfather and dog sat beside him.
"I know, bud. But hey, better parking and a pool you can use."
And thin walls so you can hear every move I make and every breath I take. Shawn thought and then winced, knowing that stupid song would be playing in his head on loop for the rest of the day. "Yeah I know. And it beats going back to California."
"Have you talked to your dad today?" Papa Dave asked after a few moments of silence.
"Yeah. I had an episode this morning..."
"What did he say?"
"That this is for the best but he wishes I would come home," Shawn rubbed his eyes and ran his hands through his shaggy dark hair. "I know he just wants to help but I wish he'd stop asking me to come back."
Papa Dave laughed and shook his head. "Oh kiddo. You have no idea how much like your mom you are."
"What do you mean?"
"Yall did the same exact thing; she left straight out of high school and ran across the country with Billie. And any time she would call home I would drag as much information out of her as I could to make sure she was safe and taken care of. And any time I asked her to come home when she would be upset it was like talking to a brick wall. She didn't want to hear any of that, even if she was bawling her eyes out about how much she hated everything out there."
"Why didn't you go get her?"
"So she could turn around and go running back? That's a waste of money. If she didn't want to come back, I wasn't going to force her, and if you don't want to go back, Frank shouldn't try to force you to."
Shawn smiled softly. It was nice knowing he wasn't such a surprise to his family.
"My biggest fear was I was going to get a phone call that she was dead."
Shawn turned and looked at his grandfather. He saw his blue eyes glassy with tears. He knew things weren't always great, but he always thought it was so well hidden and disguised no one knew the hell unfolding behind closed doors. No one every talked about things unless it was in a screaming match. And you never called anyone outside of the well crafted phone tree. And God forbid the police got involved. His parents were divorced long before he could remember but he had always heard stories of intense fights that would end in someone walking out and staying gone for the night.
Papa Dave breathed a heavy sigh. "If she had ever asked for help, I would have been on the first plane out to get her, no questions asked. And I know Frank would do the same for you."
"It's so weird hearing him called Frank," Shawn mumbled.
"Yeah well after all the shit I've heard, I'm not exactly his biggest fan and I'm not gracing him with much benevolence. When your mom told me they were getting married I thought I was going to drop dead right then and there."
"Damn, Papa Dave."
"But, when I found out about you, it was the best day ever," Dave smiled and patted his grandson on the shoulder. "so there's that if nothing else."
Shawn felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out. "Oh shit! I finally got a new message on this stupid app!"
"Anything good?"
Shawn opened the dating app that had alerted him. Some guy named Art had messaged him, saying he really liked his photos and was wondering if he was free for dinner some night this coming week. "Hey, I got asked out to dinner so that's cool!"
"See? Already today is looking up," Papa Dave stood up and looked up at the now empty apartment, sniffling and clearing his throat. "Why don't we get this placed locked up and get this ball rolling? You can get unpacked, I'll fire up the grill and we'll have a nice night hanging out."
Shawn thumbed through Art's profile, trying not to get lost in his charming chocolate brown eyes and cool short blonde hair. "Sounds like a plan," He mumbled, trying to contain his smile while trying to mentally craft a reply to his proposition for dinner.
Hey Art! I'd absolutely love to get dinner with you this week! How's tomorrow night sound? I can pick you up around 7 or we could meet somewhere public, whichever you would prefer. Let me know!
"Bud?"
"Shit, sorry," Shawn shook his head and hit send before sliding his phone back into his back pocket. He reached in his front right pocket and pulled a set of keys out. This was it; the end of an era. He locked the apartment door and twisted the nob and pulled, making sure it was locked tight. He leaned back and checked that the windows were closed. Everything was done. He sighed and slid the keys through the mail slot. They fell to the floor just inside the door with a loud clang that echoed through the empty loft, the sound of independence dying. “Alright....it's done."
"Proud of you, bud,"
"Thanks," Shawn felt free but at the same time trapped. Well, if nothing else he still had his own transportation. "I'll take Bayley and meet you at the house." He took her leash from his grandfather and they hugged before parting ways, Dave getting in the truck and Shawn walking around the corner of the building and to the parking lot where his car was parked.
As he approached the cherry red 1967 Ford Mustang shining bright in the afternoon sun, he couldn't help but smile. It was a cool ass car. And with minimal assistance from the adults in his life, he was able to keep it running and in good condition on his own. If he screwed that up he was sure his mother would come back from the dead and kill him herself and then kick his ass in the afterlife. "Alright let's do this," He said as he unlocked and opened the driver side door, pulling the seat forward and letting Bayley hop in. He adjusted the seat back with a load thud and click before sliding in, the hot black leather causing his arms to itch slightly. As the engine roared to life loudly and the metal frame vibrated, he smiled, allowing the convertible top to slowly slide back. It was nice not having to do that by hand anymore. The bright sun and humid May afternoon enveloped him.
"You can do this." He put his left hand on the steering wheel and winced. "Fuck that's fucking hot!" The emergency brake and gear shift weren't any better. But once the pair were rolling down Friendly Avenue with the top down, barely making it through yellow lights, the heat disappeared and nothing mattered anymore. It was just a boy and his dog in their awesome old car on the way to their new home.
“The Jag was never you,” he mumbled up to the sky, hoping his mother was listening. The mustang was always a point of discontent between his parents. Billie had given Iva the mustang as a Christmas present when they were first dating, but always held it over her head as a condition. If they weren’t together, she didn’t get the car. His father, however, was more than happy to buy his young wife a 1996 black Jaguar XJ6. Even during the divorce, he insisted she kept it. Shawn felt his head going cloudy, telling him either a memory or hallucination was coming on. He pulled into a church parking lot and parked, shaking his head trying to fight it off. His memories weren’t always the happiest, but something would always trigger one. Usually it was related in some way, shape or form to what was going on.
”Shawn, go upstairs and play, ok? I have to talk to your daddy,” his mother smiled down at him, removing her sunglasses as they stood in the front room of his father’s Oakland home.
“Ok Mama,” 6 year old Shawn smiled, darting up the stairs. But instead of going to his room, he waited and watched as his father and mother embraced before walking into the kitchen hand in hand. He waited a few moments before silently slipping down the stairs and to his trusty hiding spot in the hall closet. He could never see much but he could hear well enough to listen in on the adult’s conversations he wasn’t supposed to hear.
“So what’s up, babe?” He heard his father ask, sliding a chair back from the kitchen island.
“The tea still has a few minutes to boil. Then we’ll talk, ok?”
Shawn sat quietly in the dark closet, the light coming through the crack in the slightly ajar door all he had. His parents were quiet for a few minutes, but he did hear them kiss and laugh a few times. Adult Shawn knew his mother’s tactic: butter his father up with physical affection and cloud his mind with sex and then drop an atom bomb on him and get what she wanted. It was just to weaken him so he was easier to manipulate. Kid Shawn just thought they liked to be sweet on each other every once in awhile. He heard the tea kettle whistle and got ready to listen again.
“Fuck,” his father muttered.
“Behave,” his mother laughed, taking a seat beside her ex husband. “Alright, so I wanted to talk to you about custody.”
“What about it? What’s wrong?” Tre’s voice was suddenly cold and serious.
Iva was silent for a few seconds, picking her words carefully. “I can’t stay here.”
“What the hell does that mean, Iva?”
“Frank, you know-“
Tre sighed loudly. “Don’t tell me-“
“I don’t want to keep Shawn from you.”
“So what, you want to run across the country with him but I can see him on weekends?” Tre suddenly snapped.
“Lower your voice!” Iva snapped back.
“What the hell is suddenly wrong? You have a beautiful home, a network of people who love and support you without question, we have a good agreement worked out, I buy you whatever you need-“
“I’m not happy here.”
“What more do you want?” Tre suddenly yelled, causing Shawn to tense up. He hated when his father got angry.
Iva slammed her tea mug down on the counter. “Raise your voice at me one more God damn time and I’m taking him and we’ll settle this in court, fucker!”
There was a long silence and Shawn imagined they were both just staring each other down, seeing who would fold first.
“What changed?” Tre finally spoke, his voice much softer and warmer. “What can I do?”
“I haven’t been happy here in years. You know that,” His mother sounded defeated. “I need help and support you can’t give me. Support you can’t buy.”
“Iva-“
“Frank, I love you to death, but I need my family. I can’t keep raising him here. When y’all are gone for months on end, I have no help. Nothing.”
Tre sighed, his voice wavering with emotion. “You know I hate leaving you here alone with him. I’ve offered to-“
“I don’t want a nanny. I don’t want him on a tour bus for months on end. He needs stability.”
Another long silence was finally broken by a heavy sigh. “Where do you want to go?”
“Back to North Carolina,” Iva’s voice was soft and weak. “He’s about to start first grade. My parents can help me. But I want him here with you every chance he can.”
“Yeah right.”
“Frank, please. I’d never try to keep him from you, you know that.”
“Sure,” Tre’s voice was freezing over again, his doubt apparent and clear.
“When I was locked up in that damn hospital I had a lot of time to think things through. You can provide for him better, but when you aren’t around I’m in that house alone. And it’s terrible. If something happens and you’re in another country, I can’t just go to my parents around the corner for help.”
“And if you move across the country and something happens to you, what the hell am I supposed to do?”
Shawn sat through another painfully long silence. His legs were asleep and tingly but he couldn’t move. They would hear him shift and know he was listening. He didn’t want to move across the country. He wanted to stay here with his parents together. Tears stung his eyes but he had to be strong and quiet. It was awful when his parents fought, worse when they sounded like they hated each other.
“I did something stupid,” Iva broke the silence this time. Shawn heard her drop something metal on the counter and there was a long silence that followed.
“Again?” Tre’s voice was like ice, freezing over the entire house. “A-fucking-gain? Are you fucking stupid?”
“Frank-“
“You are insane. You are fucking insane, Iva. This shit with him always ends up the same and you keep doing it.”
“I can’t help myself-“
“Oh for fuck sake! So the one time I fucked up I was weak and pathetic but when you keep hopping in bed with him, it’s because he has some power over you and it’s beyond your control?”
“Stop-“
“And what, now you’re in too deep and want to run away with our kid?”
“It’s not like that!”
“Apparently it is if you keep fucking him!”
“Are you jealous or some shit? Don’t sit there and judge me for who I sleep with-“
“With our kid around!”
“When I was in LA he was with you and you had an affair! Don’t judge me when you did the same shit!”
All Shawn wanted to do was run into the kitchen and beg his parents to stop fighting. He wanted to plead to stay in California with his parents together and happy. He didn’t want to leave his friends and to far far away. This could be fixed, right? Just say you love each other and make up. You love each other, right? They had to love each other.
“Why in the hell do you keep letting him in?”
“I don’t know.”
Tre muttered something harsh that Shawn couldn’t quite understand but based on his mother’s reaction it was nasty.
“Oh go fuck yourself, asshole!” She snatched the keys off the counter and her chair slid back across the floor.
“So you want to break the family up again because you can’t get your shit together?” Shawn heard his father get up as well and quickly reached for the door handle, quietly pulling it closed. They couldn’t know he was in here and had heard everything. It was either about to get physical or someone was going to walk out again. But what if they tried looking for him and couldn’t find him? He was stuck there in the dark until someone tried to walk away. “You keep letting Billie in to destroy you, so Shawn and I get seperated because you can’t handle it anymore! You do this to yourself!”
“Think what you want, we’re done here,” Iva seethed as she left the kitchen. Her footsteps got closer and suddenly stopped. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
“No you don’t get to just fucking walk away from me like that!”
Shawn put his hand over his mouth as tears silently fell from his eyes. Why were they either in love with each other or hating each other? Why couldn’t they just be a normal family?
“I said don-“ There was a soft but firm thump and his mother fell silent.
All Shawn wanted to do was open the door and see what had just happened. He lowered himself slowly and silently to the floor and tried to peak out under the door. He couldn’t see a thing but he could hear them both breathing hard. Adult Shawn knew from hearing a less graphic version of this story that his father had grabbed his mother and held her against the wall so she couldn’t leave. He also determined that in this moment they were probably trying to read each other’s eyes to figure out who was going to give up first and if they were going to have a fist fight to settle this or if they would hate fuck each other again. Because that’s a healthy loving relationship, right?
“You know I will do anything for you,” His father spoke first. His voice still had a sharp edge to it but was much lower. “Why the hell cant you just ask for help when you need it? You know good and well if you had called me and said you needed me there I would have come running.”
This was met with silence and probably a look of anguish.
“I just wish I could be the person you needed,” Tre said softly. “I wish we could all be in one house again.”
“I know,” Iva said softly before chocking back a sob.
“Babe-“
“I’m sorry,” her strength broke as she began to cry softly.
“Come here,” Shawn assumed he has pulled Iva into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry. I just want what’s best for Shawn.”
“I don’t want to k-keep him from you.”
“I know. And I know you won’t try to. But we need to get this worked out before you go any where, sweetie.”
“I know.”
“It’s gonna be ok. I’ll make sure wherever you are, you’re taken care of, okay?” His voice was sweet and reassuring.
“Okay.” Iva whimpered. She sniffles and wiped her eyes. “I can’t get better here. I need to remove myself.”
“I know-“
“I can’t be alone. And he fucking knows that-“
“Babe, I know. You don’t have to explain it. And I’m going to have your back no matter what, ok? Because I love you.”
“Even though I drive you insane.”
“Even when you do,” Tre laughed softly and kissed her forehead. “Look. Let’s go upstairs and you can cry it out and we can figure this shit out together, ok? I don’t want Shawn hearing any more of this.”
“He’s probably heard everything already.” Iva sighed.
Oh please Lord Jesus don’t open the door right behind you. Please don’t already know your kid has heard everything. Shawn was trying not to panick but thought he was going to throw up if that door suddenly swung open.
“Nah, if he went upstairs I doubt that. It’s sound proofed pretty well.”
There was another long silence. “I don’t know if I can trust myself.”
“What do you mean, babe?”
“With you up there alone,” Iva’s voice was soft and warm, all defenses down.
“Let’s just see what happens, ok? We can talk this out and if something happens, so be it. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Fuck, you’re the damn best,” his mother suddenly gasped before another loud thump occurrd, this time right beside the closed door. Then Shawn reslized....ew! They’re kissing again! Adults were gross and weird.
Bayley made a noise of concern that finally jerked Shawn back into reality. They were sitting in an empty church parking lot off Friendly Avenue with nowhere to go but his grandparents house. “Shit, he mumbled, feeling his arms tingle with potential sun burn. While he was glad these flashbacks and new memories were helping his piece together everything that went wrong and why he was the way he was, the timing and causes were awful. He shook his head to clear the cloud that was lifting and put the car back into drive before taking off to finish the journey to their new home.