Shadows From the Abyss

Shawn watched out the passenger window of the Astra as it rolled down Market street towards downtown Greensboro. Mama K was driving him to his solo therapy today. A boring hour and a half session with Dr. Jace. He was really cool but someone trying to dig through your brain gets really irritating after awhile. And this happened every two weeks for God knows how much longer.

"Oh my God, the guy behind us needs to get off my ass," Mama K mumbled as she changed lanes. "Stupid big ass trucks."

"So Dad asked if I wanted to go with them for the east coast leg of the tour coming up this fall," Shawn said, just throwing something out there to break the silence.

"Oh? When would that be?"

"Early September. So I have time to think about it."

"Don't you need to stay on a steady schedule with meds and sessions?" Mama K asked as she turned on to Greene Street towards the doctor's office.

"I doubt Dad would let me even be a minute late with any of that,"

"Well, talk to Jace and see what he says. You have time."

Shawn rolled his eyes. Thanks for the support, Kelly.

**************

"So how's the past two weeks been? Anything happen since the last time we spoke?" Dr. Jace asked, sitting across from Shawn in the windowless office, a warm smile on his face as he filled out basic information on his clipboard.

"I moved in with my grandparents," Shawn shrugged, looking down at his sneakers. Should probably clean them sometime soon.

"Oh yeah? How'd all of that go?"

"Eh. It's weird living with people again."

"Yeah I'd imagine. How long did you live alone for?"

"Three years. It was awesome because I could just be left along and do what I wanted.”

Dr. Jace suddenly lowered his clipboard and crossed his legs. He raised an eyebrow and gave Shawn a concerned look. "Alright, you're being really short today. What's up?"

Shawn just sighed.

"You know you can talk here."

"I feel like I'm under a God damn microscope, man. Like I know everyone wants to help and shit's been getting worse but I feel like I'm fucking suffocating," Shawn spat out sharply. "Did I take my meds? Did I eat? How am I feeling? Like fuck, if I want to talk to you, I will."

Dr. Jace just smirked. "I feel like some of that is aimed at me."

"You're not wrong," Shawn mumbled, leaning forward and running a hand through his hair. "But that's part of your job description."

"So basically you just want everyone to get off your ass and leave you alone?"

"Yes. That would be fantastic. Hell, I'm surprised I still have a bedroom door."

"What do you mean?"

"Always asking me why it's closed. Surprised they haven't taken it off the hinges yet."

"Do they let you go out?"

"Yeah. But I have to be home by two. And not a minute later."

"I mean that doesn't sound too bad to me."

"Meh."

"What was it like when you were at your dad's house?" Dr. Jace leaned forward a bit.

"A lawless wasteland."

"So not much in the way of structure?"

"No. Shit, we went a week once without more than a grunt at each other. Billie was usually the one who tried to keep me on a schedule. Dad just took me to school and I usually hung out with friend's after that. I barely saw him."

"So how's that relationship going?"

"Better. He called yesterday and we talked for a bit. He caught me up on the tour. They're about to head down to Australia and New Zealand so I doubt I'll hear much from him the next month. He wants me to go with them on the next US leg up the east coast with them in September."

"That could be pretty cool. Do you want to go with them?"

"Yes and no. Mama K is worried about my schedule being thrown off with sessions and medication. But I know Dad will keep a pretty tight leash on me. He keeps asking me to move back to California so he can help more but that place is way too toxic."

"Understood," Jace said as he scribbled something down. "So you've been going out more. How's that treating you? I remember you mentioning when you were on your own you never really left the house."

"Well I wasn't a shut in by any means but yeah when you live right beside night clubs and bars it kinda kills your desire to leave. Plus who needs to leave to see a show when there's one playing right below you?"

"That can't be good for your hearing," Jace smirked.

"Oh the dog fucking hated it. But you get used to it after awhile. And the people that worked downstairs were good about giving me a heads up before a gig."

"Well that was nice of them,"

"Yeah. I miss it there. But going out has...it's been really nice, actually. I met a guy. His name is Art and he's pretty spectacular," Shawn couldn't help but smile at the thought of just walking around with Art and all the lame jokes he would crack.

"Oh that's awesome! Good for you, Shawn! How'd yall meet?"

"One of those dating apps. He messaged me and asked me to dinner and it was awesome. We ate hibatchi in the park and then just went for a walk and got to know each other. He's a giant dork and it's adorable."

Jace couldn't help but laugh. "I love that dork has become a term of endearment instead of a put down. Gives me hope in a weird way."

"But...I kinda noticed something about him," Shawn's smile weakened a bit and he took a breath. "He really reminds me of Billie,"

"That's your step father, right?"

"Yup," Shawn sighed and bit his lip, thinking about the similarities. The sense of humor, the general mannerisms, the charming asshole personality that you couldn't quite keep your head wrapped around, their sense of style. "Is it more that I have a type or am I trying to fill a void?"

"That's a damn good question," Jace said as he jotted something down. "You tend to avoid talking about him. I only know what I've seen publicly and I'm well aware with musicians there's the public person and in private they're usually pretty different."

"Depends on the day with him. Some days he would click into rock star mode and you never could get past that wall. Then some days he was just a regular step dad."

"What's he like in rock star mode?"

"Kinda cocky, a real smart ass. Shit, there was a week once when he was trying to write where we didn't even see him. He vanished into a room and locked the door. You'd hear him playing guitar, occasionally he'd come out for water or something, he'd kiss Mom and tell her he loved her and then he was gone again. Then one morning I woke up and he had flown out to California. That's just kinda how it was. Other times he was home for weeks on end if not months and it was like we were just a normal family."

"Was it ever like that with your Mom and Dad?"

"Shit, they were divorced before I was three so I don't have much idea what they were like together. I've always heard it was pretty bad though. Rushed marriage; it didn't last long. But from what I remember of them interacting it was really bi polar. Either they were fighting tooth and nail or they tolerated each other and got along for my sake."

"I'm assuming they didn't hide the hostility?"

"Not very well, no. I recently recalled the day Mom told Dad she wanted to leave California. She buttered him up by being sweet on him and then it turned into a screaming match and then they disappeared upstairs and probably hate fucked or something like that. I was hiding in the closet and heard everything and they had no clue."

"Sounds like they were better off divorced."

"Oh yeah. When I was younger I wanted them to just love each other but then I learned how bad it all was and God no I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm surprised they lasted as long as they did."

"And what about you Mom and Billie? How was that relationship?"

Shawn couldn't help but laugh. "Oh that was an even bigger dumpster fire."

Jace put his clipboard in his lap. "You have my attention."

"How strict is that confidentiality law before I say anymore," Shawn shifted in his seat and sighed. Billie would ring his neck if anything personal got out.

"Well we don't burn your file by any means but I'm not allowed to say a damn word to anyone about anything. As far as I'm concerned, I've never met you or anyone associated with you outside that door."

"There was..." Shawn picked him words carefully. "Billie once gave me a shortened run down of events. Basically on the night they met they made out first chance they got but as soon as Mom put her defenses back up, he tried to force himself on her. Then she got the hell away from him, he somehow talked her into moving to California with him, they dated low key for awhile, then Billie coerced her into some weird ass half baked revenge plot against my Dad. I don't even fucking know what he was thinking with that one. It back fired in his face and she dumped him for Dad. They got married, I come along, they get a divorce two years later. Some shady shit that I never got the full details on happened. Basically to my understanding Billie was always close by so when something would go wrong he'd try to swoop in and take advantage."

"Did he ever hurt your mom? Like emotionally, mentally or physically?"

Again, Shawn couldn't help but laugh, "Nothing like a side order of Stockholm Syndrome with that kidnapping and rape."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Oh yeah."

"Wait. So after years of torment, she still married him?"

"I'm not sure why. They couldn't even be in a room together without at least an eye roll. I heard about several fist fights. Mike got involved at one point and they nearly killed each other. I think even the night they got engaged their was a huge fight in Mom's hotel room. I never heard details but I remember he had a slight limp for a week after. But he was happy as could be. He finally got what he wanted, and that was all he cared about."

"Sounds like he can be pretty manipulative."

"Again, it depends on the day. And Mom was pretty fucked mentally and emotionally and when all you've known from your love life is someone abusing you and dragging you down, you're gonna cling to those moments of affection and kindness. And after they were engaged they never really fought. I never heard him say anything ugly to her, never heard him yell, nothing. It was completely different."

Jace just sat there in stunned silence. He didn't even attempt to write anything down. "Wow. Art isn't like that, is he?"

"You know I really hope not." Shawn sighed. "Because if he is, I am fucked."

"Wow....well. I think we should call it here. Because that was....wow. How are you feeling right now?"

"Honestly pretty good. Feels good to be able to talk shit out on my own for once. God knows I can't talk to anyone casually about all this. If all this got out...oh that would be a shit storm."

"Well, it's all safe here." Jace smiled. "Let's call it here and at your next appointment, we can talk more about Art and how you're adjusting or whatever you want, okay? Just, do me a favor. Go out with Art more, but take it slow. Feel him out first before you go jumping into anything too serious."

"Yeah, good idea."