Shadows From the Abyss

"So I'm going back to California with Papa Dave," Shawn said, avoiding Dr. Jace's gaze by staring at the floor and playing with a thread hanging from the hole in the knee of his jeans. "I'm excited to see everyone but I'm really terrified something's going to happen or I'm going to freak out in front of everyone and be judged."

"Why would they judge you?"

"Dad hasn't always been the best at processing how I feel or knowing how to help me cope. He's doing better now but I know people will only change so much. It's also easier to stay calm when you're on the phone and your child is freaking out versus in person. I really don't want to be around Billie but he and Dave get along so well and I'll have to see him if I want anything to do with Gloria."

"Does Dave like your Dad?"

"In very small doses. He tolerates him more than anything."

"Is it because how he treated your Mom?"

"Oh yeah. And how he handled the whole thing with Frankito. Because he didn't have my back at all when it happened. He doubted that it ever happened. He acted like I was just making everything up." Shawn rubbed his face, his fingers tracing the spot where he had been punched that night.

"So you've told me about what happened. And you've told me about the fallout. But you always jump over what immediately happened after."

Shawn sighed. He really didn't want to get in to this today but fuck it, he was already here. "He took a swing at Billie and hit me instead. Full force."

"Ouch."

"Billie got me the hell out of there. Finally got me to calm down and was smart enough to document every bruise, bite or mark on my body."

"Did he call the police?"

Shawn hesitated, preparing for the judgment that was about to be cast. "No. None of them ever called the cops for anything. Even when Mike kicked the shit out of him, he would just vanish for a few days, they'd hash it out on their own and then they were fine. Cops lead to reports which lead to media attention."

"That's..."

"Stupid and impractical? We know."

"How did you Mom fit in with that mind set?"

"Well, I know she stuck it out with Dad for a few years even though he treated her like shit. I know she and Mike became best friends and were practically attached at the hip at times because he always tried to protect her if she would let him. Anytime it would get really rough after they were divorced, Mike would take her camping or something just to get her away from everything so she could clear her head."

"So Mike's the bassist, right?"

"Yeah. He and Billie have been best friends since they were ten."

"He strikes me as the kind one of the group."

"Oh Mike's the fuckin best, man. He's always there when you need him." The smile on Shawn's face faded. "He dated Mom for a little bit but it didn't last. But they were always best friends and he was always around. Shit, he bought her the townhouse we lived in for two years."

"So he was almost a second father to you?"

"More of an uncle than father. Billie was the one who stepped up with the step father role. Although I know Mom kept me away from him as much as she could when I was a kid. Dad was the one who had me around Billie and Mom fucking hated it."

"You Mom didn't want you around Billie?"

"Hell no. If they weren't dating they hated each other. She actively tried to avoid him as much as she could but he was just turn up and be as much of an asshole as he could. But when they were together everything was fantastic."

"So how was your parents relationship after the divorce?"

"Bitter. Their custody battle was awful. Mom lucked out with her lawyer though and they worked something out that was pretty decent. After everything was finalized and we moved back here though it got a lot better."

"Oh yeah? How often would your Dad come out and visit?"

"He'd come every few months and stay for a week or so. Most of the time he would stay at the hotel next door but one time all three of them surprised us."

"How'd that go?"

Shawn smirked. "Dad got Mom pregnant."

Jace furrowed his brow and looked up at Shawn, stopping any note taking. "He what?"

"Yup. And after she found out, he flew in and stayed for almost a month. Everything was awesome. We got a dog, he bought the fuckin pent house suite at the top of our apartment building and everything was like they loved each other again."

"What ended all that?"

Shawn bit his lip and sighed. "Mom miscarried and I guess they remembered they only dealt with each other for my sake. Mom was really resistant to him being around at first but he somehow won her over all over again and then once that was gone he just left."

"What do you think causes such a change in him?"

"From what I gathered over the years, he was really possessive of Mom and kinda wanted her as more of a trophy than anything. I always heard when they were dating they were really in love and sweet to each other, but as soon as he proposed he wanted her to just stay put and be obedient and submissive. Mom was anything but that. Apparently she drank a lot back then. I'm guessing more to cope than anything."

"What happened when they split?"

"Mom dipped the hell out. Like on one hand I don't understand how you can just leave your child and run but at the same time if you're trying to get away from someone, first chance you get you run as fast as you can and don't look back."

"Where did she go?"

"She met fuckin Marilyn Manson of all people and ran to Los Angeles with him. That was a weird time."

"What happened?"

"I remember spending a lot of time with Dad and Billie. Dad took me down there for a week once and she'd come up and stay with Mike for a few days. Then after almost a year Mom and Brian broke up and I think she and Mike started seeing each other."

Jace raised an eyebrow. "Your Mom was something else, man."

Shawn smirked. "Yeah, she was a firecracker. But as much as everyone sucks on a personal level, I never went a day where I wasn't taken care of. So that's good at least."

"So she moved from Oakland with your Dad to LA for a year and then back to Oakland?"

"With Mike, yeah. Apparently he played savior a few times."

"How do you mean?" Shawn just gave Jace a look and Jace nodded. "Ahh. From Billie. Gotcha."

"Oh yeah. As soon as that divorced was finalized he was circling like a fuckin hawk. Any time she would come up to Oakland he would find some excuse to show up and try to chat her up."

"And Mike would always get between the two of them?"

"He tried to," Shawn sighed again, his hands starting to shake. "This one time, Mom refused to even be in the same house as Billie so she left and he followed her. I don't know how far things got, but I remember Billie was pretty bruised up for awhile after that."

"Do you think he tried to hurt your Mom?"

"Oh I know he fucking did."

"Okay," Jace leaned forward and put his clipboard on the floor, signalling to Shawn everything from this point forward was off the record. "How in the fuck are they still a band? Because they should all hate each other by now."

Shawn just shrugged. "I don't even know, man. Music may form a strong bond but you can only take a sledgehammer to it so many times before it's gonna crumble."

"Well put," Jace learned forward and started to pick up his clipboard again and then stopped. "I'm gonna be blunt for a second and give you my not so professional opinion. Billie needs some heavy therapy and medication and is probably a sociopath, your father needs anger management, and Mike probably needs a new back bone after letting all this happen for so long." He picked up his clipboard and sat back up. "Now where were we?"

*******************************************************

Shawn sat in the airport next to Art and his grandfather, waiting for the check in line to die down before they walked up. Dave was checking his guitar case, making sure his Cordoba was secure and wouldn't get damaged during the flight and that all the essentials were in the case, just in case his bag got lost.

"Call me as soon as you land. And please just...be careful."

"I will, sweetie. I'm just looking forward to getting on the return flight," Shawn mumbled, lacing his fingers between Art's. He hated leaving him behind.

"And please remember the time difference. You're perfect but not waking up at two in the morning to talk to perfect."

"Alright, this is looking like our moment, kids," Papa Dave said, closing the guitar case and locking it. "Art, thanks for the ride man. Be careful going home."

"Not a problem, man," Art smiled, getting up and hugging his boyfriend's grandfather. "Have a safe flight and enjoy the jam sessions." He turned to Shawn, who was adjusting the duffle bag strap on his shoulder. "Please be careful, love."

"I'll call you as soon as I can," Shawn smiled before embracing Art and kissing his cheek, breathing his scent in deep. They wouldn't be back for a week, so he wanted to remember everything he could.

"Here," Art unzipped his hoodie and took it off before placing it over Shawn's shoulder. "Keep this safe for me."

The couple shared a long, silent look, both wanting to profess their love for one another but knew it wasn't time yet.

"I lo-" Shawn caught himself. "I'll call you,"

"You better," Art smiled gently, grabbing Shawn's hand and squeezing it, "please stay safe."

"I will," Shawn squeezed his hand in return before hugging him again. Finally he pulled away and walked to join his grandfather in the line. They checked in and headed to the security line. Shawn looked over his shoulder as they walked up the steps and saw Art waiting by the door. He waved goodbye before finally get in line and fought off the urge to go sprinting down the stairs and back into his lovers arms.

**********************************************************************

Dave and Shawn unloaded their bags from the trunk of the uber and looked up at the huge house ahead of them.

"God, haven't seen this place in a damn decade. It hasn't changed at all," Dave said quietly as Shawn punched in the gate code and pushed open the pedestrian gate beside the mailbox. He took a breath before stepping through.

The front door opened and Gloria came sprinting down the steps, a look of absolute joy plastered across her face. "Holy shit you're here!"

"Yes, we are here," Shawn smirked, bracing himself. His sister hit him full force and he stumbled but held on to her as tight as he could. "Hey, kid."

"I missed you," Gloria beamed, squeezing her brother tight, burying her face into his chest.

"Oh you have no idea," He finally got free from her grip and picked his bag up. He looked over at their grandfather, who was just staring in stunned silence.

"You look just like her," He whispered before pulling his granddaughter into a vice tight hug, a single tear sliding down his cheek and vanishing into his white beard. He sniffled and cleared his throat. "It's great to finally see you again."

The front door to the house opened again and Billie stepped out. "Perfect timing, we were just about to head out."

Shawn took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Hey,"

Billie walked over, his smile sincere and warm but it still made Shawn uneasy. "How you been, man?"

Shawn let his step father pull him into a tight hug. He felt his heart skip a beat as the sweet but smokey smell filled his nose for the first time in months. Deep down he had missed him terribly and wanted to melt into his embrace the way he used to, but he had to stay rigid and put up a wall.

"Been making it so far," Shawn replied, shifting his weight before looking back up at the house looming over them. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good. The tour's gone pretty smooth so far." He spied the guitar case Dave was holding and shifting his attention. "Ooh! What'd you bring?"

"Cordoba. It's my favorite to play." Dave beamed as his son-in-law hugged him. "This little punk isn't giving you too much trouble, is she?"

"I don't know, are you?" Billie looked at his daughter, who just smiled sheepishly. "So we gonna jam before you go?"

"Just don't blow me out of the water too badly," Dave smirked.

"Alright, I gotta go get the boys but let yourselves in and settle in. Mind if I leave G with you?" Billie said, pushing some hair out of his daughter's eyes. "Can you not be a snot for an hour?"

"Wait, Joey and Jake are here too?" Shawn asked.

Billie looked back at Gloria. "Don't tell me you didn't tell him."

"Tell me what?"

"The whole crew's gonna be here," Billie sighed, "I thought she told you."

"Wait, like Ramona and Estelle too?"

"Yeah. Everyone." He saw the sudden flash of panic run across Shawn's face. "I mean, minus one obviously."

Shawn took a breath and tried to slow his heart rate. His eyes met Billie's and wasn't sure if he was supposed to glare or melt.

"I should have worded that better. I'm sorry."

Shawn finally broke away from his apologetic gaze and just shrugged. "Shit happens."

Billie sighed and looked over at Dave. "Oh, there's a gift for you in the guest room. Top drawer."

Dave grinned and started heading for the front door. "Come on, kid."

"Hey," Billie looked at his step son, who was trying not to look at him as Dave and Gloria went inside, leaving them alone in the driveway. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to freak you out."

"Just....leave it alone, okay? I'm trying to heal from all that shit and I'd rather it not be brought up."

"That's fine, I understand. Can I just tell you I'm really proud of you for doing what you need to do to get better? It takes a lot to admit when you need help-"

"You would know-" Shawn tried to hide the bitterness in his voice. He didn't want a fucking mushy bonding moment or to be complimented on his strength, he wanted to get the hell away from Billie.

Billie sighed, realizing that this conversation was dead and not going any further. Neither of them liked having their short comings thrown in their faces. "Okay, that's fine too I guess. Call your Dad. Let him know you made it."

Shawn just nodded, still avoiding eye contact as Billie turned and walked towards the garage.

"Whatever," Shawn whispered before walking into the house. He was immediately swarmed with dogs demanding love and attention. "So many babies!" After petting every dog, his smile faded as one super fluffy dog was missing. His childhood dog Deejah had to be put down a few months ago after suffering from sudden kidney and liver failure. A shrill bark from the top of the stairs distracted him from his heartbreak. He looked up and there stood the meanest little black Pomeranian dog. "You're still alive?"

Manson growled at Shawn before backing away and disappearing again.

"Oh Shawn," Dave grinned as he descended the stairs, "I got the best gift ever!"

"Weed I'm assuming?" Shawn sighed, standing up and picking his duffle bag back up. Dave nodded. Shawn just sighed and rolled his eyes before looking to his left. His mouth was suddenly dry as his eyes locked on the urn sitting on the mantel over the fireplace. "Shit."

"I've been trying to avoid that," Dave said quietly. He heaved a heavy sigh and shook his head. "Alright, let's face this."

The pair walked into the living room slowly and stopped in front of the mantel. Iva's urn sat in the middle, a lavender cylinder with sunflowers engraved into the metal rim around the lid. The words etched into the side were simple.
Iva Kathleen
Forever loved .

"He did a really nice job of this," Dave said softly, looking at the photos sitting beside the urn. One from when Billie and Iva had first dated, a photo of her and Shawn walking hand in hand in New Orleans, Gloria resting on her chest a few days after she had been born, and her and Billie's wedding photo.

"Great choices," Shawn said softly before wiping a tear from his eye.

"I'm sorry it ended up this way, kid," Dave whispered, reaching up and slowly pulling the urn off the mantel and cradling it against his chest. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from this." He tried and failed to choke back a sob, tears streaming down his face. "I love you and I miss you so God damn much."