After the Crash

I walked outside with my gun, as that godforsaken phrase repeated in my mind. I’m glad you’re alive. I exhaled a heavy breath, could I have chosen a more trivial assortment of words to say? I shook my head, ignoring Whit’s presence completely as I took a seat on the porch. But I was glad he was alive. Still, it wasn't necessary to tell him. I shook my head, again. It didn't need to be said, aloud. Then, I stood up, “I’m gonna take a lap around the cabin.” I took my time, contemplating those words and the effect they might have. Every so often I would check a bush or something, but there was nothing. When I got back around, I brushed my hand through her hair, as Whitney looked up at me with an eyebrow raised. “I had to get the girl’s out of Ren’s room,” I said before sitting down, “your sister and Cali are devoted, little nurses.”

She rolled her eyes, “I'm sure.” It was silent for a second, then she gave me a glance through the corner of her eye, before looking forward again, “did you talk to Ren?”

“Briefly,” I nodded.

“About,” she raised an eyebrow.

“Nothing, just what you’d expect,” I sighed, “he thanked me for saving him, and I apologized for not saving him better.”

“That’s it,” she looked at me expectantly.

I shook my head, “there’s nothing else to say.” She raised her eyebrow, and I put my hand to my head, reluctantly giving, “maybe there is.” She looked intrigued. I exhaled, looking at her again, “it’s just hard for me, Whit. I can’t quite articulate what needs to be said or even how I feel. I mean,” I shook my head, “I ran through so many options, and all I could choke out was I’m glad you’re alive.”

She raised her eyebrow, “are you glad he’s alive?”

I looked at her, shaking my head, “of course I am.”

She smiled, “why?” I looked at her, unsure. She let out a deep breath, “why are you glad he’s alive?” I made a face, then turned my head forward. “Ky,” she looked at me, “come on.”

I let out a humored breath, “I’m not a monster, Whit. I wouldn’t wish death on anyone.” She raised her eyebrow, expecting more, but I shook my head, “I don’t know what you expect from me.” She exhaled a heavy breath, shaking her head. Then, we both turned forward. After a long pause, I glanced at her, then let out a deep breath, “I know what you wanna hear.” She looked at me, “and you’re right, there’s a part of me that wants to…” I stopped. I looked at her expectant eyes. I just couldn’t say it. I sighed, turning forward again, “but I know better.”

She looked at me, “Ren’s not like him.”

“He’s not,” I nodded, agreeing, then shrugged, “they’re nothing alike.” I turned to her, “but that’s just it, Whit.” She didn’t understand. I looked away, pausing for a moment as I looked at the black foliage in the distance. I shook my head. I couldn’t look at her. “I’m not gonna stay in Boston,” I finally let it out.

“I know,” she said. I looked at her slightly shocked, but she just shrugged, “I’ve known for a while, figured you’d drop us off, disappear without a goodbye. Head to Connecticut.” I nodded, and she sighed, “you’re more transparent than you think.” There was a long pause, as the two of us just sat there facing forward amid the silent night. It felt too long. Then she let out a deep breath, “I understand.” I looked at her with as much a smile as I could muster up. “If you really feel dead,” she shrugged, “then you’ve gotta find the person who killed you.” I nodded my head. She looked at me, shaking hers, “it’s just, I saw how you cared about Ren,” she sighed, “I thought,” another breath, “I hoped, maybe, just maybe, you were comin’ back to life.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” I shook my head.

“But if you’d just let him in,” she looked at me.

I shook my head, “no good can come from that." She looked disappointed. "Whit," I swallowed hard, "I do care about him and …” I sighed, “I can’t pretend I wasn’t worried or that it didn’t scare me when you said he might not make it, but I don’t know if that means anything. If he came to me and said the same thing about you, would I react any different?” She didn’t say anything. I shrugged, “it’s just instinct like I’m moving through life on autopilot.” She just looked down, letting out a heavy breath. “Whit,” I did the same, “as long as I can, I’m gonna keep moving. It’s all I can do, now. But I’ve told you, I’m past the point of resuscitation. I’m spinning into obscurity and those pulses you think you hear,” I turned my eyes forward, “they’ve long been silenced.”

She shook her head, “I don’t know, Ky.”

I nodded, “I do.” She mustered up a near smile, but it was weak. So, we just sat there for a while, keeping watch in silence. I pulled a double shift. My second shift was with Eric. Shifts with Eric were quiet, he was still afraid of me, and we hadn’t learned how to adequately communicate with each other. Finally, Mac and Dale came to relieve us. We both walked in, heading down the hall toward our separate rooms. Right as I was about to reach mine, I heard a noise. It sounded like it came from the kitchen, near the back door. I looked over at Eric. He’d heard it too. I nodded, “get some sleep, I’ll go check it out.” I moved slowly to the kitchen, holding my rifle, ready to engage the impending threat. As I got to the kitchen, I saw a figure, shutting the door. He turned, jumping because I had startled him. I put my gun down, and raised my eyebrow, “Alex?” He nodded, regaining his composure. “What are you doing, sneaking around the back of the house,” I sustained my look of suspicion, “you should be in bed.”

“I needed some air,” he said, putting his hands up defensively. I didn’t quite believe him. He let out a deep breath, “there are several people crammed into one room, some of them snore.” He approached, looking down at me, “it’s hard to get any rest, so I thought I’d step outside for a bit.” He raised his eyebrow, “is there a problem?”

“No,” I crossed my arms, “but you’ve gotta work on being quieter. How do you expect to sneak up on anyone, when you move so loudly?”

“Why would I be sneaking about,” he raised an eyebrow.

I shrugged, “you never know what a situation might call for.”

He looked at me, “I figure I’m safe, so long as I’m with you.”

I shook my head, “I can’t guarantee anyone their life.”

“But you’ll do anything you can to protect them,” he held my gaze. “Taking on several gunmen by yourself,” he said as he moved closer. “You got shot,” he put his hand on my shoulder, “didn’t you?” I resisted the natural urge to push his arm away but kept my arms crossed and my expression hard. “Does it hurt?” I shook my head, taking a step back, then turning to walk away. “How bad is it,” he stopped me. I turned back, raising my eyebrow. “I mean, Ren,” he looked at me.

I shrugged, “two shots, localized in the abdominal region, one through the back and one that hit the side. Lost a good amount of blood but,” I let out a deep breath, “he’s strong, and we’ve gotta keep moving.” I shrugged, “obviously, until he’s made a full recovery, I can’t let him do anything more strenuous than walking. The less stress we put on him, the better.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets, “he’s pretty lucky to have you.”

I let out a slight huff as I looked down, shaking my head, “I should have never put him in that position, his injuries are on me.”

“Are you always like this,” he raised an eyebrow. I did the same in response. “You know,” he looked at me, “carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?” He took a step closer, and I crossed my arms. “I meant what I said,” he took another step, looking down at me, “Ren, everyone here, they’re all lucky to have you.” I looked up at him, maintaining my humorless expression and defensive position. He put a hand on my shoulder again, “you can't hold yourself responsible for everything that goes wrong, it'll just eat at you." He smiled, squeezing my arm, "you need to relax this tension.” I swatted his arm away. “I don’t mean to overstep,” he put his hands up, but didn’t step back, “I just wanna help out,” he dropped his hands slowly, “take away some of that burden in any way I can.” I let out a doubtful breath, then he raised his eyebrow, “you still need supplies, right?”

“I can handle keeping us supplied,” I looked at him, “I managed that well before Ren and his men joined us.”

“But isn’t it better to bring back up,” he looked at me, “safety in numbers.” I held his glance but said nothing. He raised an eyebrow, “couldn’t hurt to have an extra pair of eyes, someone you trust to help you carry the goods.”

I let out a slight scoff, “you’ve yet to earn my trust, Alex.”

He raised an eyebrow, “but you trust Ren?”

“With my life,” I looked at him seriously.

“Because you have feelings for him,” he kept his eyebrow raised. I said nothing, but he sustained his expression, “that’s why you don’t want me getting close?”

“I don’t have feelings,” I looked at him, “I’m surprised that after all your inquiry …”

“I’ve got eyes, Ky,” he stopped me.

I shook my head, “then they’ve betrayed you, because the only thing I feel for Ren, I feel for everyone here.” I paused, “concern.” I looked at him, “I trust him because he’s earned that.” He raised an eyebrow, and I continued, “he’s risked his life for the safety of my people. I don’t ask that of anyone, but he didn't need to be asked." I shrugged, "he just did it, without question. I respect that.”

He sighed, “then let me prove myself, let me help you and your people.” I raised my eyebrow, and he insisted, “take me on your next supply run, I can be useful.”

I rolled my eyes, “fine, I’ll think about it.” He smirked, and I took two steps closer, “that’s not a yes and believe me, if this is some ill-conceived excuse to …”

He stopped me, “I promise, I’m just trying to help.”

I looked at him, “get some rest, and I’ll keep your proposition in mind.” He just nodded, and I found my way to an equally cramped room. We had everyone from our tent, plus Val, her kids and Cheyanne. I sighed as I looked in the room and then found a corner and a book. I began reading, passing the time until morning came. When it did, I made my way to the kitchen to help Sarah get the food ready for breakfast.

“You gonna eat,” she raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe,” I shrugged, “we’ll let everyone else have their share first and make sure Ren gets a good portion, he needs to build up his strength.” She looked at me as I moved some food around in a pan, some type of oatmeal-like dish. “And when Sam comes in, tell him to check on Ren when he gets the chance, the sooner he can walk the better.”

“What are you doing,” she raised an eyebrow.

“Taking inventory,” I looked at her, “tell me if there’s anything you need.”

“I need you to eat,” she looked at me sternly.

I sighed, grabbed a small portion of the food, and stuck it in my mouth. “There,” I nodded as I swallowed, “now make sure Sam checks on him and reports to me.” She just nodded, before turning back to the food disappointed. I started making my way around the house, figuring out exactly what we’d need. I could go tomorrow. Our medical supplies weren’t depleted, but we could use more. Our ammo supply was getting low again, especially for my gun, Sarah’s, and Ren’s. If I could swing it, we still needed another tent, especially with the addition of Alex and Luca. I made a list, then consulted my bag along with the remnants of the cabin for anything we could trade. I heard someone walk into the room, and glanced behind me. It was Sam. I stood up, faced him, and raised my eyebrow, “how’s Ren?”

He shrugged, “sooner you get him out of that bed and walking, the sooner he builds back his strength, and we can move.” I nodded, “it’s not gonna be easy, he’s been laying in that bed for a while, and gunshot wounds don’t exactly heal fast.”

“What are you waiting for,” I looked at him, “get him up and walking.”

“Figured you’d want to do that,” he looked at me.

I just shrugged, turning my back to them, “I trust you.”

He let out a slight laugh, “thanks for the bode of confidence, but I still think you should do it.” I turned, raising my eyebrow. He smiled, “gives you an excuse to talk to him.”

I crossed my arms, “I don’t need an excuse to speak with him.” He raised an eyebrow, but I shook my head, “besides, I’ve got more pressing concerns, I’ve gotta get us supplied before we start moving.”

“Exactly,” he looked at me. I raised my eyebrow, and he continued, “not sure how he’s gonna feel about you takin’ Alex to get supplies.” I sustained my look. "The guy hasn't exactly been quiet about it," he looked at me, "and Ren'd best hear it from you, not him."

“I don’t see how it’s any of his business what I do or who I take with me,” I shrugged, and he raised his eyebrow. I sighed, “he already hates the guy, and I haven’t even decided on takin’ him.”

“Ky,” he appealed.

I narrowed my eyes, “fine, you wanna shirk your responsibilities, I’ll do it.” He just smiled. I shook my head, and rolled my eyes, “just get out of here, and try to make yourself useful.” He laughed as he exited the room, and I let out a deep breath.