After the Crash

I was distracted. I don’t know what was bothering me. If I had expected a thanks, it would have been the lack of any such sentiment. But I hadn’t expected that from her. It wasn’t even that she pulled that kind of stunt, but that I couldn’t stop her from doing it. No, it was because I hadn’t talked to her. I hadn’t had the opportunity to tell her what she did was stupid, or to make sure she was okay. She made sure to put herself as far from me as possible. Once we arrived at a clearing, I set up my tent for the night, then helped Dale with the fire. After finishing up, I sat down and watched her as she pitched her tent. She immediately went inside. Lola and Jen soon found themselves by my side. They started talking to me. “It was so brave of you to jump in that river for Ky,” she started, and I nodded before looking back at the tent. She probably wasn’t going to come back out, not until her watch shift. “Are you even listening,” I turned to find Jen with her eyebrow raised.

I shook my head, “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just a little distracted.” She let out an angry huff and then walked away. I then looked at Lola, with my eyebrow raised. She just shook her head, got up without a word, and followed Jen.

Whitney took her seat, holding a plate toward me, “here.” I looked at her, taking the plate, and she smiled, “least I can do, you putting up with my sister and being so nice about it.”

I shrugged, “I don’t think she’s too fond of me at the moment.” I looked over toward Ky’s tent, before continuing, “I kind of got distracted while she was talking to me.”

“She appreciates it,” she said. I turned back and gave her an unsure look. “Ky,” she raised her eyebrow at me. I shook my head, and she continued, “she won’t say it, cuz she’s not used to people helpin’ her.” I let out a slight scoff, and she just smiled, “if nothing else, I appreciate it.”

“She’s gonna get herself killed,” I looked at Whitney. She looked at me skeptically, and I just shook my head, “she keeps pullin' stunts like that, and …” I stopped when I looked at Whitney’s smirk. I let out a deep breath, “I’m surprised she’s made it this far.”

She nodded, “it’s nice to have someone here to look out for her.” I shook my head. She let out a slight laugh, “it’s not a bad thing.” I raised my eyebrow, and she continued, “I mean, she might say it is, but that’s because … well, you know.” I didn’t know, that was the problem. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand how someone could be so cold and closed off, but willing to throw their life away for others. The two didn’t match. I looked at Whitney, who was just smiling at me. I gave her a slight shrug; then it was quiet between us as we ate. “You know,” she started after a long silence, “I have third watch with her, but we can switch.” She shrugged, and I raised my eyebrow, “but only if you’d like.”

I let out a deep breath before agreeing, “yeah, that sounds good.” She smiled again before we both finished our food in silence. I resigned to my tent until it was time to relieve Eric. Mac was already asleep when I got in, and I wasn’t about to wake him. He had the last shift, so he’d get a couple hours of shut-eye. He needed it. When the time came, I got up, walked over, tapped Eric on the shoulder, and then took his spot. Ky had a double shift, so she was already at her post. She looked over and raised an eyebrow. I shrugged, “Maddie has a stomach ache. Whitney asked if I’d take her shift.”

She nodded, the answer was sufficient. I sat down, and for a long while, things were quiet. Her eyes were forward, scanning the black abyss that stood before us. Every so often she glanced at me through the corner of her eyes, and every so often I thought she was on the brink of saying something. But she remained silent. Finally, she let out a sigh and spoke, “I was a teacher.” I looked over to find that her eyes were still forward, but she continued, “I taught Gen Ed Lit to college freshmen while working on a PhD that I’m never gonna get now.” She shook her head, letting out a humored breath, “an English PhD, can you think of a more useless person to have around post-crash.” I looked at her. She was not useless. Then, she shook her head again, this time with a heavier sigh, “years of my life rendered completely obsolete.” She finally looked at me. I raised my eyebrow, curious as to why she was telling me all this. “Since we’re allies now,” she shrugged, “I thought you should know.” I smiled, that was as good as an apology from her. She turned forward again, putting her eyes on the landscape. “You gonna tell me your story,” she asked after a few minutes of silence.

“I was a lawyer, on base,” I looked at her face, “I wasn’t a bad guy, I was like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.” She looked at me with her eyebrow raised, but there was humor encroaching on her expression. I smiled, and for a second, I’d swear she did the same. I continued telling her my story. After that, things were quiet for a while, when I finally managed to ask the question I’d been waiting to ask. “I gotta know,” I looked at her, “where did you …”

“Learn to shoot,” she raised her eyebrow.

“Shoot, fight, all of it,” I shrugged, “I can’t imagine that’s part of the English PhD curriculum.”

She smiled, then shrugged, “my dad was a cop in a little redneck town, taught me everything he knew about huntin’, shootin’, and survival.”

I nodded, “came in handy.”

“Never thought I’d need it,” she shook her head, “if you knew me before the crash, you would have never expected this. I was,” she sighed, then shook her head, “anyway, Sam almost threw up the first time he saw me shoot a man. It’s like he’d never seen blood before,” she shook her head, “if he weren’t so good with stitches, I’d have dumped him years ago.” I didn’t say anything, didn’t quite know what to say. So, we sat there quiet for a bit. “I’m not great at this,” she let out a deep breath. I raised my eyebrow, as she turned to me. She gave a slight shrug, “talkin’ to people and all, but I know I owe you some kind of thanks.”

“You know, these people need you,” I looked at her.

“They’re strong,” she turned forward, with a slight shrug, “stronger than they let on.”

“Be that as it may,” I kept my eyes on her, “I think they’d fare much better with you alive and pullin’ reckless stunts like that…” She raised her eyebrow, and I shook my head, “what were you thinkin’?”

She sighed, “didn’t think much past getting Lola across that river.” I opened my mouth, but she stopped me, “I know very well that my plan lacked foresight, and I appreciate your help, but I will not be berated by you.” She looked over with a humorless expression, “in fact; you are the last person here who could criticize me unless you don’t mind being a hypocrite.” I raised my eyebrow. She glanced at me through the corner of her eyes but did not turn. “I didn’t ask you to jump in that river,” she looked at me, “and I could very well ask you what the hell you were thinking.”

I shook my head, shocked, “I was thinkin' that you didn’t stand a chance against that current. You would have …”

“You’d have us both drown,” she raised an eyebrow, “leave these people down two guns in less than a minute.” She shook her head, “there’s no place for heroics in this world, not that kind. You’ve gotta learn to put their safety first, sometimes that means making hard decisions,” she shrugged, “sometimes that means losing people.”

I raised my eyebrow, “you’re sayin’ you wouldn’t have jumped in that river for me?”

She sighed, shaking her head, “I’m saying you shouldn’t have done it for me.”

I examined her. She was facing forward again, eyes tracking our surroundings. She had a large scar on her neck and a smaller one above her left eye. I knew she had stitches on her shoulder and I assumed there was more hidden under those clothes. She was small, couldn’t be taller than 5’2,’’ and I couldn’t tell if her boots gave her lift. Even with all that and the hard expression that she constantly wore, I could still imagine mistaking her for delicate in a different world, when she’d smile, before the crash. But not now. There was always something heavy in her eyes, in the contours of her face, even when she choked out that half smile. She couldn’t be mistaken for delicate. She couldn’t even be mistaken for breakable. She was already broken. It was written all over her, in the scars, but also in every movement and breath. I swallowed, feeling bad for her. “When was the last time you let someone worry about you,” I raised my eyebrow.

“Worry about me,” she gave me a humored expression, “I wasn’t under the impression that I had to consent to that kind of thing.” I looked at her. She just shrugged, shaking her head, “I can’t ask these people to worry about me. They’ve got families, small children, real concerns. I’m trying to take some of that burden off their shoulder,” she shrugged, “not add to it.”

“I could probably stand to worry a bit more,” I said.

She raised her eyebrow, then shook her head, “I can’t tell you who to worry about or who not to worry about. Worry about yourself, or your men, or the children.” She shrugged, “you can worry about the girls too, so long as you don’t get them pregnant.” She then let out a deep breath, “concern yourself with those who need it.”

I nodded, “I’ll do that.” She didn’t say anything, just faced forward. We were settling into silence again. After surveying the scene, I looked at her once more. Our time was coming to an end, and she might never be this willing to talk. I turned, opened my mouth, but stopped. I hesitated, before finally starting, “so,” she looked at me with her eyebrow raise, “when the crash happened …”

She shook her head, cutting me off “I don’t wanna talk about when the crash happened or anything from that first year and a half.” I opened my mouth. I was going to push. “Please don’t ask me again,” she looked at me. I met her eyes, just nodding. I was going to try to recover with a different question, but Mac and Whitney came to relieve us. The two were laughing. Ky stood up, looking at them, “Maddie had a stomach ache?” She nodded, “sure.” Whitney gave a guilty smile, Ky shook her head, then started toward their tent.

“Was she okay,” Whitney asked with a hopeful expression.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “we’re good.” She smiled, and I continued back to my tent, where I found Val straddling Eric. The two were furiously making out. “What the hell is this,” I pulled Val up by the arm, “get back to your tent, now.” I let go, and she put her hands up defensively. “If I ever catch you in here again,” I gave her a stern look, “I’ll take you straight to Ky.”

“No,” she shook her head, “you can’t tell Ky, I can’t get the talk from her again.”

I mumbled as I pushed the girl out of the tent, “apparently it didn’t stick the first time.” I watched her as she returned to her tent, then I turned my attention to Eric. I crossed my arms, “do you want to get thrown out?” He opened his mouth, but I shook my head, “you need to stop thinking with your dick, and if that proves to be too difficult, I’ll cut it off before anyone else has a chance.”

He put his hands up, “calm down, Ren. We were just kissing, a little.” I opened my mouth, but he went on, “I haven’t seen or touched a woman in months, and then we come here, and Val’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and she likes me.” I sighed, and he continued, “and it’s not like I’ve got options.” I raised my eyebrow, and the boy shrugged, “girls don’t pay much attention to me. I’m not like you, Ren.” I raised my eyebrow. He shook his head, “don’t pretend you don’t notice how all the girls look at you like you’re some kind of hero or god. Jen, Lola, the lot of them, they’re always at your side.” Then he muttered, “not that you care, spending all your time with …” He looked at me, then stopped himself, “never mind.”

“You got something to say,” I crossed my arms, “go ahead and say it.”

“Ky,” he looked at me.

“What about Ky,” I raised my eyebrow

He shrugged, “ya want her. Hard to see why,” he lowered his volume to a mumble, “she don’t want nothin’ to do with you.” I shook my head, and he let out a humored breath, “even if you wanna pretend you’re not interested, Mac is openly pursuing Whitney and I don’t see you getting’ on his case.”

I looked at him unamused, “Mac shows discretion, I wouldn’t find Whitney and Mac in the position I just found you and Val. That’s the difference.” I dropped my arms and let out a deep breath. I couldn’t be too mad at the kid. “Go to sleep,” I ordered, “and don’t let me catch you fucking around, again.” He grunted but laid down, and I did the same. For a while, we laid quietly. Then I looked over, “E,” he turned his head, “don’t mention your little theory to anyone.” He only grunted in response before shaking his head and laying down for a couple hours. I closed my eyes, and when I got up, Sarah was making breakfast for us.