‹ Prequel: Handle With Care
Status: Finished! Thank you all!

Fragile

Blackout

(Jade's POV)

I wasn't mad at Chester for agreeing with the doctors, I wasn't mad at him for insisting that I stay longer. I wasn't mad at anyone honestly but my own self. I knew I shouldn't have listened to them when they told me to do this shit in the first place. I knew I was right, I knew it was only going to get worse. What did they really expect, it's an almost incurable disease, of course it was only a temporary fix. If I don't die from it now, I will sooner or later. It's just a sad reality that we all have to face someday anyways so why even try to prolong it. "Jade, I'm really sorry." His voice is hoarse and sad, he's been crying all morning. I feel terrible, worse than just sick, I mean I emotionally just feel completely dead inside. I have never seen him like this and it truly hurt me to witness it, it was my fault, I shouldn't have acted and said the things I did. But I was angry, I'm disappointed. Not at him, but at myself, like I said earlier. I knew something was wrong since last night but I wanted to just keep on the happy face for everyone so they didn't suspect a thing. And when they told me the news this morning, I tried to keep it up still for Chester, I really did, but the frustration and the anger just outweighed over everything and I just about lost it worse than I intended to. I cried and screamed a slew of curse words before making the doctors leave, I really wanted to be alone.

"So you're telling me that I have to be injected with more of this horrible stuff because the cancer is getting worse? Just fucking perfect, I knew this was a stupid idea. How can a team of fucking like, ten doctors be that fucking stupid to not see that it's getting worse and waste my time by putting me on stuff that isn't even working. I think you all need new professions because you're the lousiest doctors I've ever seen in my fucking entire life and if it was up to me I'd fire all of you, you're more than likely the reason more people are dying from this fucking sickness. Do me a favor will you and get the fuck out of my room so I can be alone to discuss this with my husband. I know better for my own self than obviously you idiots do." I than proceed to rant and rave loudly in spanish, immediately making the nurses and doctors leave the room and apologize consistently before they hurriedly made for the exit. I had really let them have it, I was furious. I couldn't believe this shit. "Mrs. Bennington, we just want the best type of care for you. I'm truly sorry we missed this." I put my hand up to silence them instantly. I didn't want to hear any half ass apologies, I wanted them gone. "Can we be alone, please? Before I check myself out." And with that, they left immediately.

Chester instantly tried to make it all better but at the time I just wanted him to go away too. I wasn't in the mood for his clingy and smothering attention, I just wanted to be left alone. But of course he insisted and wouldn't give up, so I relented and let him stay beside me. But whenever he had said anything, I just stayed completely silent. Whenever he asked if I was hungry, if I needed anything, if I felt anything, I wouldn't respond. I knew it weighed on him too because he kept his head hung low and stared off into the distance. So they were going to be tripling the dose of chemo, doubling the meds, and keeping me here for another month or so. Well that's just perfect. Exactly how I pictured spending my first summer as a free eighteen year old. Way to go Jay, you've really done it this time. "Stop saying you're sorry, please. You're giving me a headache." I snapped slightly at him, seeing the same sad look in his eyes when I finally did respond to him. A wave of guilt and shame washed over my in a blink of an eye, making my stomach start to hurt. Why does this have to be this way?

I reached out my hand shakily, hoping to God that he would take it. Thankfully he did and not a moment too soon. I pulled him closer to my side as I watched the tears run down his face. This wasn't the man that I knew, he wasn't sad and broken. He was strong, funny, loving. Chester was being drained so badly by this, it was breaking my heart more and more each day I had to see it. "I love you, I really do. I am so sorry this is effecting you so badly, Chester. I really am so sorry." He looked at me with a confused but sad look. "I love you so much, you don't have anything to be sorry for. None of this is your fault, babe. I just worry about you and want to be there for you. That's all. I could care less about making an album if you're not there to help. I love you, forever." His voice cracked as the tears ran down both of our faces this time. This disease was really taking its toll on our relationship, but despite everything, I knew we would still overcome it. We needed each other.

He rested his head against my chest as I stroked his face gently while we both sobbed quietly to ourselves. The anger had long since left and now I was left with a gnawing pain of guilt and sadness. I was trying so hard to accept my fate but the longer I looked at Chester, the less accepting I was. The more I wanted to stay here to be able to continue on our future together. Sure I was still frustrated because things were growing more complicated instead of better, but as I've said before, I had to keep my brave face on and keep smiling. Because it hurt Chester so much to see me upset and angry, he just wanted to do whatever he could to keep me happy and feeling okay as best as he could because that's just how much he cared and loved me. He would give it all up for me.

(Chester's POV)

As I sat there crying and holding onto her for dear life, I kept having this awful feeling that things were going to get worse somehow. But nothing could be worse than this, honestly. Having to see my love of my life being confined to this hospital bed and being hooked up to all kinds of machines and on so many types of medications just to help with one thing just about killed me inside. I was trying so hard to keep up the strong, unbreakable, type of attitude but it wasn't working anymore. When they told me the news last night I almost broke down instantly at their feet. Everyone's faces were trying desperately to read mine when I had walked back in that room and it was pretty obvious that something was up. Thankfully no one pushed or asked any questions and just kept everything going smoothly for Jay. A few hours later after they all had left though Mike did text me just to make sure that there wasn't anything that he could do for me. "I hate to see you having to go through this, Chester. You're my best friend and it's killing me to see you like this. We all love Jay and want to see her get better but you have to be okay too. For us, for her. She needs you, you can't fall apart on us now. We love you, Chester. If there is anything I can do please don't hesitate to ask. If something is wrong, don't hesitate to tell me. We're prepared to face any sort of reality that comes our way."

I was grateful for all of my friends for being so concerned, I would truly be lost without them just like I would be without Jay. I nestled my face deeper into her chest as she continued to rub her soft hand over my cheeks. "You know, I'm sorry for all the horrible things I've said to you. If I was you, I would have ran for the hills long ago." I chuckled slightly as I listened to what she was saying. Since this last month, we've done a lot of that lately. We always have long conversations that always drift off to so many other topics sometimes we even forget why we started talking in the first place. But it felt good because we opened up so much to each other, we learned so much about each other. We still even talked about our future together and where we say it going. She would sometimes drift over to the negative of things but they always went back to positive after a while. She still tells me not to keep up so much hope that she's going to be around much longer because she feels like she isn't. She tells me that I have to start coping with the idea that one day I might have to wake up and she won't be there beside me to tell me that she loves me and that she hopes I have a good day.

I honestly break down into tears every time I have to hear that kind of talk but I ultimately just agree with her because she does have somewhat of a point. If things did get that bad, I'd have to start thinking about my future alone. "Can you promise me that you won't forget about me? That you'll always think about me wherever you are on the road? When you're big and famous like I know you're going to be that you'll always remember that crazy girl who was there when you were getting bigger? Cause I know I'll always want to be a part of you and your life, Chester. No matter where I am, no matter if I'm alive or not. I always want to be with you. You're my everything, you're my world. I know I change so much, my attitude, my personality, but I'm just trying to be strong for us and I'm just trying to make everything okay. I love you Chester Charles Bennington, I just want to know that you're going to remember me. Remember that I love you. When that time comes, I want you to make sure you bury me with my Linkin Park CD you gave me when we first met, I want you to buy the flowers you bought on our first date. I want you to make sure I'm dressed in my combat boots. Just the little things, they help to remember."

I don't even remember when I had started to cry all over again, but it was bad. I was sobbing uncontrollably like a child and I couldn't seem to get myself to calm down. The nurses even had to come in and give me oxygen because I almost fainted from not being able to breathe. We hadn't had that type of conversation yet and it just about broke me hearing her final requests and the things that she wanted me to do. I was going to honor them, of course I was. But I didn't want to even think about her not making in, because in reality, I think if she really was to pass away, I'd more than likely die with her. She is my whole reason that I keep living, that I keep going in the right direction. Without her, I wouldn't survive.
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First of all I am SO SORRY it's taken me so long to update and that it is incredibly short, but unforeseen circumstances had gotten in the way. But never fear! I'm back! Hope you all are enjoying! xo