Fragile

(Jade's POV)

Days have come and gone, minutes have passed, hours have flown by, it's now September and I'm still not any better. It seems as though things have just kept getting more and more harder. Thankfully Chester has been nothing but supportive and has been there for me through it all because I don't know what I would have done without him. There's been times when I feel at my worse and he's still there, holding my hand and telling me that it's going to be okay, that he loves me and won't ever leave me. Shae and Mike had came almost every day that they could to see me, her belly was growing every day. She was due in November an they still hadn't thought of any names yet so I had taken the liberty of putting a few together. Although some were too out of the ordinary, she did really seem to like the name Jay-Lynn mostly because it was super girly and it included a part of me in it. The doctors have said multiple things to me and I'm not sure if I can even handle hearing another sob story about how they were doing their absolute best to make me better but that things just take time. I had officially lost all of my hair, too. If I didn't mention that I've never had my haircut since I was nine, you could only imagine how devastating it was to watch it all disintegrate and fall out in clumps. I almost fainted the moment I saw just a few strands come out when Shae was brushing it one afternoon.

So above everything, I was still dramatically losing weight and now I was completely bald. Melody had completely shaved her head bare so no hair was present to support me and I was moved to ugly sobbing when she had showed up. Chester had given me tons of his beanies to wear so I wasn't so upset but it only helped to ease the pain temporarily. I've even gotten a chance to talk to my dad a couple of weeks ago and he was completely destroyed that he couldn't be there to help take care of me. But I told him that I understood, things were difficult over there and it was completely out of his control. We cried on the phone for hours that day, I wasn't able to even eat anything because I just wanted to keep hearing his voice. He had told me stories of my childhood that had never known before, that I was always a fighter and always overcoming any obstacle that came my way. He said he knew that I was going to get better, because I was from strong blood and because I was a warrior. But in reality, in case this was one of the last times that I was going to get to talk to him, we had said our peace with each other. "Jade, I want you to know that if for some reason God has other plans for you, I love you so much. Somos los duenos de nuestros destinos, somos los capitanes de nuestra alma. (We are masters of our destinies, we are the captains of our soul). Go with God, Jade."

I haven't been right since that day, to be honest. But I was just glad that we were able to basically say goodbye to each other in our own way. "Jade baby, the doctors are ready to start the next round of chemo." Chester says softly as he takes a hold of my hand. I blinked back the tears that had started to form as I thought of my dad, trying not to let Chester see that I was on the verge of a breakdown. "Whatever." I say flatly as they begin to hook up another horrible bag of chemicals to my IV. Chester just keeps a tight grip as I start to feel an overwhelming sense of nausea start to take over, hunching over in pain instantly. You would think that after being on this shit for the last three months I would have gotten used to it and all the nasty side effects but of course not, it only seemed to get worse every time. "Don't get too worked up, babe. Just try to relax and not think about the feeling too much. I've got you baby." Chester rubbed the side of my face gently as I finally was stable enough to lay back down, feeling a couple of tears slip past and roll down my cheeks. I just wanted to go home already, I wanted this to be done and over with. I just wanted my life back.

(Chester's POV)

I kept rubbing her face and singing softly to help keep her as calm and comfortable as possible while the chemo worked through her body. Some days were easier than others, some days were the worst. Two months had passed and she was improving but only a tad, not enough to let her go home or at least be off of bed rest. Thankfully all the guys, Melody and Shae had come to visit her throughout this entire time like they had promised. It seemed to help keep her spirits high whenever they were around because it helped her to forget that she was sick and stuck in a hospital. Shae and Mike had told me a few days ago that regardless of what happened in this situation, they wanted to somehow incorporate Jay's name into the baby's whether it be the first or the middle. I about broke down into tears when they had told me. It made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have the love of my life be honored by my best friends. I couldn't wait to meet the little bundle of joy any longer, I wanted to be the first to hold her and tell her all about the life she was going to have ahead of her.

"Chester, can you please write all this down? I want to make sure that it gets remembered. I don't want to forget it." I immediately grab my small notebook and pen, ready to write down whatever she needed me to. I had pretty much kept a journal of all the things that she had said and wanted done after and during this time. Some were small things, like remembering to call Melody and things like that. Others were big things, like wanting to be able to be buried in a certain outfit and where she exactly wanted to be buried and the color of her casket and what type of flowers she wanted to be arranged. I had a hard time writing that stuff without hysterically crying but I knew it had to be done despite everything. I tried so hard to keep up the brave face but the more I saw Jay getting worse each day, the harder it was becoming. I tried to make sure she didn't notice that things were growing harder but she was smart, she knew already before I even said anything. "I want you to write down all the things that I want to be forgiven for, but be prepared to write a lot here." I nod slowly with a sniffle before making a quick title at the top of a blank page. This was going to be hard.

"I don't want there to be any bad blood between me and KayT anymore. I want someone to call her and tell her what's going on. Regardless of this entire situation, I still want her here. I want to tell her that she's always been a good friend and that I'm sorry she couldn't let our relationship go but that I hope she can forgive me. I want someone to find my mom and tell her that I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough kid for her, that all I did was make her life harder than it should have been and that I hope she can forgive me for it. I also want them to tell her that if I die, I don't want her at my funeral. I want her to come and see me at the hospital after I'm dead. I want someone to go to AZ and tell my grandma that I'm sorry for causing her all this pain through the years and that I hope she forgives me for it. I want the girl who I beat to know that I am not sorry for what I did to her but that I hope she can forgive me for wishing she was the one who was dying. I want to most importantly apologize to myself for not taking better care of me, for not seeing the signs when they were first there. I want to apologize to myself for being stupid and trying to take my life so many times. Because now, I don't want to die. I don't want to be saying goodbye, I just barely started living. I regret all that I've done but I just want a clean start. And most importantly, I want to be forgiven by you, Chester." I looked up at her briefly like a deer caught in the headlights.

She reached out her hand weakly to me before she put it to my face. "No, this needs to be said Chester so write it down. I want you to forgive me for all the things that I have ever said and done to you. All the times I told you that I just want to die and all that shit, I never meant it. Being with you has opened my eyes and has changed so much, I don't want it to end. I want to be able to wake up next to you every morning and see these beautiful dark eyes that I've grown to know and love. I love seeing that smile on your face, the semi devious one that always shows your true side. You are a true lifesaver, Chester. You have helped me overcome so many things in the short time that we've been together and have known each other, it's truly a miracle. You never gave up on me when things got out of hand and you always made sure that I knew that you were going to be there for me no matter what happened. I'm so sorry for ever thinking that we shouldn't be together. Those five months you were gone was absolute hell because I thought about you so much but didn't know how to tell you what I was really feeling. Now I regret it because it was just wasted time that I could have spent talking with you and telling you all kinds of things and how much I love you. I don't want this to be the end, but if it comes to that point, I want you to remember all of this. I want you to know that I love you more than this life itself, I want you to know that I would love to marry you for reals, that I love that you call me your wife. I want you to know that I would love to be able to have a family with you some day but if that can't happen, I want you to know that I will always be there in spirit supporting you and your goals. I will always be there to watch and look after you, always. I would love to be able to see Linkin Park make it to the top of the world charts, because you all are so amazing."

I glanced up quickly after she had suddenly went quiet, seeing that she had fallen fast asleep. That was another side effect of the medicine, but I was glad ultimately because I had broke down at the end. I was losing my best friend, my everything, and all she cared about was being forgiven by everyone she had ever hurt and just making things right in her life. I didn't want this to be the end for us, I would love for all the things we've talked about to come true. I would make sure to fulfill all of her wishes and dreams that she had told me about. I was going to propose to her, with a ring and all. I was going to make her my wife if it was the last thing on Earth. She was the one for me, she was my all.