He’s Got His Secrets, I’ve Got Mine Too

Muffled through the walls of the tour bus I could hear a conversation that I definitely did not want to hear “No, I completely agree Lex.” Zack said. “Yeah it’s obvious man.” Rian replied. “We should probably say something.” Zack said. “But what if he isn’t?” Alex questioned. “Come on dude, he’s the gayest person on this fucking planet.” Rian sighed. I hit my head on the wall and could feel the tears coming, why does straight have to be the default? Why am I suffering? What did I do wrong? I wandered into my bunk, to other people Jack Barakat doesn’t cry. But to Jack Barakat, crying is the only thing Jack knows. I’ve been crying a lot lately and no one knows luckily. I lay in my bunk, the tears running down my face, sobs drowned out by Coming Clean and Adam’s Song. “Jacky! Where the fuck are you! Jay!” Alex yelled. “I-I’m i-n my b-bunk.” I sobbed. I could hear Alex speeding up to get to my bunk, he pulled the curtain open. “What’s wrong Jay? You never cry.” Alex patted my back, I hadn’t even turned around yet. He played with my hair before getting in beside me and wrapping his arms around my waist. “Come on Jack please.” He pleaded. “N-no Lex I can’t.” I moved away from him. “Jack, you know I care. What’s up man?” He asked, fuck. Am I seriously gonna fall for him again? I hope the fuck not. “I-Don’t freak out, um, I-I’m confused.” I admitted because I’m a little bitch for Alex Gaskarth. “About what? Because with your luck, I might just be confused about the same thing.” Without looking at him as he said that I could feel him smiling. But no. He cannot be confused about the same thing as me because no one is. I shouldn’t tell him because I’ll be treated differently, I don’t want to be “the gay one from All Time Low” or “the bi one from All Time Low” or whatever the fuck I am. “If you’re not gonna say take a shower because you stink of beer.” Alex said. Great. Next it’ll be my scars. Fuck off life. “Can I have a sign that just says ‘thinks he’s gay and wants to die’!”I thought, well turns out I said it out loud. “Same.” Alex laughed. I may have smiled a tiny bit. “Please listen Jack. I understand, what I’m going through may not be as hard as what you’re going through. But just know I understand and I’m here for you. I will never treat you differently no matter what you are because you’ll always be Jack. My Jack.” He smiled, pulling me into a tight hug. As Alex got up he scribbled something on a piece of paper, it read “don’t loose your fight kid.” Suddenly, I could breath again. Yeah, he doesn’t know one of his closest friends is probably definitely 100% gay. But he’ll find that out soon, very very soon. My mind went back to that line from Missing You, I almost lost my fight. December 27th 2002, a year before All Time Low formed I attempted suicide. I still remember the feeling of attempting to overdose on anti-depressants, it was in my bedroom as Adam’s Song played. I looked down at my left thigh, thinking about the scars that are there. Recently the feeling of relapsing has been massive. I’m just worthless and nothing I do matters, if I died Alex could do everything I do easily.