La Douleur Exquise

Morn came with the chiming of a bell. Isabella groaned and jabbed her finger gently into Susan's side.

"Isabella." Susan complained, barely moving at Isabella's touch.

Isabella groaned in complaint as she realised none of the other girls would wake at the sound so with much difficulty she climbed to her feet and stepped over the sleeping Susan to hop onto the floor. She quickly rummaged through Alice's intensive walk-in wardrobe of clothing and pulled a loose, dusty blue tea gown over her nightgown, hoping that whoever had rang for them would not be aware of the fact she was dressed in Alice's clothes and spent the night in Alice's room.

Quietly, she closed the bed chamber door behind her and headed down the stairs towards the main hallway, tying her hair upwards into a neat bun to hide the messy hair from slumber. At the bottom of the stairwell, George Capell stood, his body stood straight and patient in wait.

"Ah, Isabella." The Earl nodded towards Isabella as she reached his line of sight. "I presume Alice is still in fowl mood."

Isabella swallowed, realising it perhaps would have been better to wake Alice instead of taking her place. Being the woman of the house in her London brothel had evidently given her a slight bit of misplaced confidence that she had to learn to repress in the present of Alice's family.

"I am afraid so, sir." Isabella said with bowed head, thinking fast on her feet.

George made a displeased noise but nodded his head in acceptance of the information. "Very well. Please communicate with her that I will be travelling to Birmingham today and will not return until the weekend. Bid her my farewell, if you please."

"Of course, sir." Isabella replied, inwardly happy at the news of the Earls departure.

She stayed in place momentarily, waiting for the Earl to leave through the large front doors of the home before raising her skirts and rushing back up the stairs towards Alice's bedchambers. She burst through the door, ensuring it was shut behind her before leaping onto the bed and laying across the three sleeping girls who groaned in complaint.

"Isabella!" Alice grunted as a misplaced elbow accidentally hit her in the stomach. "What-"

"Your father has departed for Birmingham and will not return till the weekend. Come, we must take the train into London!" Isabella interrupted eagerly.

Susan, more awake than the others, grabbed at Isabella's leg and pulled her down onto the bed with them. "Shush dear girl!" She laughed.

"Oh but you must travel to the city and experience the high life. When was the last time you visited?" Isabella complained, rolling to face Susan with a wide smile.

"Many years." Susan agreed, "Though I doubt my Father would be suitably happy with us travelling unaccompanied."

Alice had grudgingly woken and was now sat crossed legged above the blanket stretching her arms. "He does not have to know. Besides, we can pretend my brothers accompanied us if the need to lie arises. I would enjoy the change of scenery regardless."

Isabella squealed happily and wrapped her arms around Alice's waist. "Fantastic!"

She leapt from the bed and headed towards the door. "I will be ready in half an hour!"

"But you are dresse..." Alice drew off and gasped as she noticed the blue garment Isabella was dressed in. "That is mine!"

"I will return it!" Isabella laughed before darting out of the room to avoid the pillow thrown towards her.



The train ride was a mere hour, dashing through the countryside at a rapid rate in a blur of greens. The London grew on the skyline as a formidable beast. Tall buildings, colourful brick, and overwhelming life. They pulled into King's Cross station at midday and quickly looped arms, weaving through the crowds of people and heading towards the cart station.

"Harrods please." Isabella requested to the first available driver as Alice held her hand out flat towards the horses that stood proudly at the front of the cart, smiling as they gently rubbed their faces against her hand.

The driver curiously eyed Alice, but nodded as Isabella handed him the appropriate cash. Noticing the awkwardness of Alice's behaviour, Susan quickly took Alice's elbow and pulled her towards the seating area of the cart.

"Alice," Susan hissed quietly as they set off a trot southward towards Harrods. "You cannot make such fuss over every horse you find."

Alice rolled her eyes, "Though animal they still deserve a moment of affection that I doubt he provides." She nodded towards the driver with his whip in hand and reigns held tight.

Isabella shook her head, "Rather unladylike of you."

Alice scoffed, though her tone was mixed with teasing laughter, "You are one to talk."

"I am." Isabella replied with a laugh, nudging Alice lightly in the ribs.

Harrods was beautiful as ever with its elaborate green and gold signs, intricate brickwork, and seeming never-ending windows. The building stood out amongst the other buildings that spread down Brompton Road with it's domed central roof and almost golden brick that shone in the autumn sunlight.

The porter stepped forwards as the cart came to a stop, holding out his hand to help each of the girls down from the cart which they graciously thanked.

"I have never been inside Harrods." Henrietta whispered to Isabella as they walked towards the doors.

"My dear," Isabella said with a bright smile, "Then you are in for quite the treat."

Harrods was awash with brilliant light the moment they walked inside. The ceilings were tall and adorned with incredible carvings of ribbons and plants that shone out in those brilliant shades of greens and gold that Harrods was so known for. The smells were instantly enticing too, wafting from the grocery hall and restaurants further within the building. Even the floors were a treat to behold. They were a mix of brilliant white marble and polished dark woods that somehow looked freshly laid despite the thousands of people who stepped upon them everyday.

"To Mayer and Morhanger?" Alice inquired after she had spent a moment to admire the beautiful architecture of Harrods. Though her home was rich and expansive there was a joy in seeing beautiful architecture and interior design of the places within London. There was less of the countryside charm that still clung to Cassiobury House. Instead Harrods was elegant in its modern design; a world away from the traditional Gothic design of Cassiobury House.

"Of course!" Isabella responded eagerly, leading them towards the central staircase that climbed upwards to the clothing area.

Mayer and Morhanger's had become renowned designers a few years prior and their elegant clothes stood on display proudly as the girls approached the second floor where the majority of the women's clothing were.

"Try on anything you wish." Alice turned to Henrietta and Susan as Isabella eagerly disappeared into the mass of fabrics. "I have no quarrels with treating my dear friends to a gown."

"Alice, you cannot do that!" Henrietta instantly responded. "That is far more than a treat!"

"See it as a present for my father's wedding." Alice replied glumly, "I cannot allow the bride to out dress my friends."

Susan laughed, "That is far from the appropriate behaviour."

Alice smirked, it was clear that she was not planning to behave appropriately at the wedding, "Then it is settled. You will both receive a brilliant new gown!"

Henrietta went to protest again but Alice raised her hand to silence her. "If you protest more, I will buy you two."

With a sigh Henrietta shook her head and began heading towards the shop floor, only stopping to address Alice once more. "Though I am allowing this to happen, I will persist in declaring my displeasure with the arrangement."

"I did not expect much less, my dear." Alice replied with a smile before wrapping her arm through Susan's and pulling her towards a emerald green dress with elaborate floral lacing on the cuffs and collar.



With many a dress chosen, Alice requested a private dressing room. It was a surprisingly large room with curving cushioned seats in the centre and sections curtained off for undressing, suitable for all the girls to occupy. One wall was filled by a large gilt mirror that almost glittered it was polished so bright.

Alice flopped down onto the seats in the centre of the room, leaning back onto the cushions and sighing dramatically, "Go change, I wait with baited breath!"

Isabella tutted at Alice, but quickly departed into one of the changing rooms, her arms overflowing with the usual dark, rich tones she favoured in her clothing. Henrietta looked nervously down at the two dresses Alice had persuaded her to try. The pink looked sickly bright in her hands and the deep blue seemed much too extravagant for her colouring. They seemed like desperate clothes; dresses that sang out for attention and eyes to be focused on them. It was likely that this was why Alice had chosen such elaborate garments. She aimed to distract from the main event of her father’s wedding and cast eyes onto the eligible women rather than upon the bride. Henrietta could not blame her though, she understood Alice's eagerness to make the wedding unpleasant for her father and soon to be stepmother, though Henrietta wished it was not at her expense.

She pulled the curtain shut behind her and suppressed the groan of annoyance that threatened to escape at the sight of the mirror that stood against the back wall of the isolated dressing room.

She draped the dresses across the back of the chair in the corner of the dressing area, her hands lightly misting over the fabric as she did so. They were beautifully silky to the touch, running like water through her fingers. Dresses far too expensive for her to ever consider buying.

From behind the curtain she could already here the eager murmurs of Alice and Isabella as they admired the beautiful garments Isabella was trying on. Silently Henrietta wished for that sense of enjoyable comfort that her friends shared; that ability to see their bodies and feel at home within themselves. Henrietta was not often prone to jealousy, but when it came to herself she found it easy to become envious of others apparent comfort. She had not always felt this distance from her own body, when young she had no issue with herself, her childish naivety protecting her from any underlying insecurities. However, when curves began to form Henrietta felt a sickness sink to her stomach. Her flesh lost it's familiarity. Her body an uncomfortable vessel.

Henrietta knew these feelings were not normally, the joyous tones of her friends beyond the curtains were a dreadful reminder of that, but she did not know how to resolve them. What was one to do when it felt like their own self is deceiving them?

"Henrietta!" Alice called out from the central area of the dressing room. "Pray tell, what is taking so long?"

"Just a moment." Henrietta replied, staring down at the two dresses. They were taunting almost, reminding her of the internal pain she would endure simply changing into them. With a grudging sigh, Henrietta turned her back to the mirror and pulled one of the gowns over her head.

"Oh Henry, you look simply gorgeous!" Susan clapped happily as Henrietta emerged from her changing room dressed in the midnight blue evening gown.

Henrietta awkwardly shuffled from foot to foot, her hands instinctively going to her bosom to lift up the fabric around the bodice which was distinctively lower than the usual high necked bodices she preferred. The waist was somehow tight despite the lack of corset, and the skirt billowed out to create the impression of full hips and a tiny waist. Henrietta felt utterly uncomfortable.

Isabella took Henrietta's hands in hers, walking her forwards towards the large mirror on the wall of the communal dressing area. With an expert hand, Isabella smoothed out the skirt and pinched at the pleats. Henrietta's uneasy fingers went to grasp at the neckline once more but Isabella quickly tapped her hands away.

"It is beautiful, Henrietta. Leave be!" She playfully jested as she stepped back to admire Henrietta's reflection, a motherly smile stretching across her face.

Henrietta did her best to direct her eyes away from the stranger in front of her, instead turning to face Isabella. "I am not entirely comfortable with a neckline so low."

"The neckline is not low!" Isabella scoffed, reaching out a hand and lightly tracing across the small line of visible skin. "It is only your neck that is uncovered!"

"Maybe so," Henrietta was not comfortable regardless, "though I would prefer a higher neckline regardless."

"The high neckline is falling from fashion and as are the bodices. The more bosom to display, the better!"

"I would rather keep the high neckline, regardless of the fashion."

"Then at least a corseted waist and three quarter sleeves?" Isabella suggested, stepping forward to roll up the fabric.

Henrietta instinctively stepped backwards, "No, no!" She flustered before shaking her head and quickly regaining her posture. "I would rather continue to wear the evening gown I have. There is no need for an update."

"The dreadful brown one with the exaggerated bustle?" Isabella rolled her eyes, "There is many a thing wrong with that dress!"

Henrietta shrugged, "It is not moth bitten and still fits, it will do."

Alice had emerged from a changing room, dressed elegantly in a dress of soft pink and cream. She twirled with a laugh, looking down to watch the skirt spin around her.

"Is something the matter?" Alice asked, noticing the quietness that had fallen over the dressing room. She paused at the sight of Henrietta, "Oh it suits you so well!"

Henrietta shook her head, eyes dropping to the floor. "The flattery is undeserved."

Alice squinted, walking forward to the evidently uncomfortable Henrietta. "What is the matter, Henry? You are amongst friends, you may talk openly."

Again, Henrietta shook her head. She felt the tears burn at the corner of her eyes as they threatened to fall. With a quick gulp to reduce the tightness of her throat, Henrietta quickly dashed past Alice to return to her private dressing room, drawing the curtain and dropping into the chair within. She pushed the palms of her hands into her eyes, willing the tears to stay put and not betray her emotions by falling.

"Henry?" The soft voice of Alice whispered from outside the curtains. "Can I come in?"

Henrietta could barely manage a reply, instead letting out a soft noise that could pass as a 'yes'.

"Talk to me." Alice simply stated. She drew the curtains behind her and crossed her arms lightly. It was not a foreboding pose, more one of defiant compassion. It was clear she would not leave until Henrietta expressed what was causing her unpleasant mood.

Through years of knowing Alice, Henrietta knew that no good would come from refusing to speak. Alice had a stubbornness only Isabella could match. She was unmovable in moments like this; when she knew that she could better her friends and provide help no matter how much they refused it.

"I... am not comfortable." Henrietta finally settled on. It did not convey the entirety of her feelings but it was a start.

"I believe that was already evident." Alice curtly replied.

Henrietta sighed, "I find it hard to provide an explanation when I scarcely understand this thoughts myself."

Alice paused a moment, her mouth closing into a tight, contemplative line as she ran Henrietta's words through her mind.

"Maybe voicing these confusing thoughts could allow me to help you. Sometimes speaking aloud is all you need to understand what you feel." Alice was softer in her reply than before, head slightly tilted in an inquisitive manner as she thought deeply. It had quickly become evident that whatever thoughts were bombarding Henrietta's mind would not be so easily remedied.

With a swallow, Henrietta began to best explain all that she could.

"I feel almost as a foreigner within my own body." Henrietta carefully spoke, her eyes darting to Alice's face in an attempt to try and distinguish any thoughts her friend was having. Alice's face remained neutral, returning Henrietta's intensive gaze in a way that silently urged Henrietta to continue to talk.

"I despise myself." Henrietta paused, "No, I despise the body to which myself is confined within. It is uncomfortable. It does not feel like it is mine and I the person I see in the mirror is not the person I see within my mind."

Alice was unsure of what Henrietta meant but she refused to allow any judgement form. It was not her position to question the thoughts that Henrietta had, instead she should listen and learn. She could not relate but she did not need to provide the comfort and support that Henrietta so obviously craved at this moment in time.

"I remember being children. Those days where the only differentiation between boy and girl was the garments they wore. That was when I last remember comfort. As some genderless form still developing." Henrietta drew off, the tears she had managed to subdue threatening to raise their ugly head again. "Oh Alice, it confuses me so!"

Alice closed the small gap between herself and Henrietta who sat hunched forwards on the chair. Her hands had come to her eyes again, knuckles white as if she wished to pull the thoughts from her mind. Alice knelt on the ground in front of Henrietta, reaching out her hands and taking Henrietta's hands away from her face. That brief moment of compassion was enough to loosen the tap that had held Henrietta's emotions so tightly in place.

With a choked sob she leant forwards into Alice's open arms, resting her head against Alice's shoulder and letting her tears fall. Alice shushed her gently, cooing as a mother would to a crying babe, her hand resting on Henrietta's auburn locks.

"Oh my dear Henry." She whispered, stroking Henrietta's hair gently and letting her friend cry heartily. "I feel you may have kept this secret for far too long."

Henrietta sniffed, leaning back, her eyes leaking fat tears but her sobs quietened. "I have been fearful of what you may think. I could not bare to lose your friendship."

"You would have to do much worse to lose me." Alice tutted with a soft smile.

Henrietta smiled back gently as Alice reached out and wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks.

"I still do not know why my mind says these things to me. I fear I never will." Henrietta quietly murmured; a statement more to herself.

"It does not matter. Whether you understand or not, you will always have my arms to fall into. I love you my dear Henry, as do Susan and Isabella, and we will forever keep you safe." The mothering nature of Alice made Henrietta smile brightly. Her cheeks were still wet from her outburst, but for now her eyes were dry. Alice had been perfect in her support and Henrietta was ever more grateful for her friendship than before.

"We are quite the mess, aren't we." Henrietta managed to giggle out.

Alice let out a quick burst of laughter, "We really are! Poor Susan and Isabella will have us locked away if we persist in these tearful fits!"

Henrietta laughed, reaching out towards Alice again and pulling her into a tight hug. "You are a good friend. The better than I could ever wish for."

"This is rather reminiscent of a conversation we had just this night prior." Alice replied and sent Henrietta into a joyous fit of laughter again.

"I swear-" Henrietta began but was cut off by Alice's lips to her cheek.

"The time for words has passed. Let's get you out of this god awful frock and return home!"

Henrietta smiled, turning so Alice could help her undo the garment. There was something so instinctive about Alice. She always knew how to comfort you, when it was the time for words or the time for silence. Henrietta could not help but smile; her discomfort at the prospect of being in her undergarments replaced instead by the love and compassion she felt towards Alice; her mind was far too busy to even notice she was dressed in her original outfit.

"There." Alice said proudly, fastening the final button on the back of the bodice. "Let us go home. I believe we are well deserving of rest."

Henrietta simply nodded, letting Alice take her hand and walk her to the safety of anywhere but here.