Walk Through Hell
[24]
"Lexie, baby, talk to me."
I walked past him.
"Lex, just let me explain"
I kept walking, tears coming to my eyes.
"Lex--"
"Dude, give it a fucking rest," Alex said, stopping him from walking any further.
"B-but. I didn't mean any of those things to hurt her. I was an ass. I just want to apologize."
"Well, at least give her some time."
"But I don't want to be too late!"
I couldn't stand listening to them anymore. I walked into the classroom.
I went over to my desk and put my head down.
"Honey, I heard what happened. I'm so sorry," Sarah told me.
"I want to die."
BR<>
"Come on, it can't be that bad."
"I think I loved him."
"You can't love someone after just a week. You're being dramatic." She told me.
"I'm not being dramatic." I lifted my head to look at her. "I didn't just start loving him. I fell in love with him a long time ago, and never stopped."
She breathed in deeply, then exhaled.
"W-what are you talking about?"
I told her about how me and Jake had been best friends.
I told her stuff that I didn't even realize had fit in until now.
I thought I hated him.
I just hated the thought of him.
I hated that I liked him, so I made us fight.
I hated fighting, so I tried to avoid him.
And I somehow managed to fall in love with him.
I told her everything.
About Ben.
Just everything.
"Lex, I don't know what to say to you. Maybe... maybe you should listen to him. Give him a chance to explain himself."
"But I don't want to get hurt again," I told her, now in tears.
I feel so vulnerable.
It's disgusting.
She gave me more advice.
I just want to crawl into a shell and die.
I sighed, and shakily stood up.
"I'm gonna go home." I mumbled.
"Alright. I'll see you later, then."
I nodded to her.
I didn't have a ride home. Jake was usually my ride to school, but I rode the bus this morning.
And now, now I have to walk home.
Walking took me forever.
And it sucked, because I didn't have my iPod on me or anything, so all I could do was think of stupid Jake and how I was just some stupid fucking joke to him.
And then there was this other voice in my head that told me that he wouldn't be trying to apologize if I was just a joke to him.
But then I remembered what he'd said.
What he'd done.
I don't care how in love with him I am, I'm not going crawling back to him like some pathetic little girl.
When I finally got to my driveway, I noticed my step-mom's car was there.
"I'm sick! I'm going up to my room to sleep!" I called out, my voice echoing through the house.
I went upstairs and changed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt.
I crawled into bed after shutting off all the lights and putting in a Cure CD.
BR>
"Honey?"
"I'll be fine. I just caught a bug or something," I mumbled.
"Honey, is this about Jake?" she asked.
How the hell does everyone know about this.
"I'm fine," I repeated.
"Okay. Just let me say one thing: sometimes, your mind can just portray one part of a situation. Your logical thinking gets shut down. Your heart gets shut down. Sometimes you just have to take a while and really think about your situation, and let your heart decide whether or not you should give someone a second chance."
"Mhm" I mumbled, glumbly.
She came and sat down on the bed, putting the back of her hand to my forehead, she said, "And always remember, it's in them for people to change."
My eyes glazed over as I stared at my chipping blue nail polish.
"Hope you get this bug out of you. Get better, sweetie," she told me.
Why is it that it seams all of the things people say to me are telling me to get back together with Jake?
I reached onto the floor for my phone, which I'd forgotten this morning.
18 Missed Calls... later.
16 New Voicemails.. later.
10 New Text Messages... meh. I can at least read them.
Jake: Lex? Look, I'm really sorry. Let me explain.
Jake: Look, I'll leave you alone until you want me to talk to you.
Haylie: I know we don't really talk anymore, but remember, boys are douche bags. Don't let them get you down.
Sam: Call me when you're ready to talk, okay? I'll be waiting.
Ricky: Jake can be an ass sometimes. I'm really sorry for how stupid we can be sometimes. Talk to me sometime.
Jake: I know I said I'd stop for now, but I just wanted to let you know I love you, and good night.
Patrick: Band practice next Saturday. Call me sometime to talk about it.
K.C. [another girl friend]: Boys are stupid! Heard about what happened! Here for you!
Alex: Hey, this is Sarah! Guys are idiots! Call me if you need to. Alex said he's kicking his pansy ass! I'll put him through a meat grinder! >.<
Austin: Sweetie, I'm so sorry! Take it from a guy, we're really stupid! And I think half of our grade has already started planning their attack on Jake!
I put my phone down. They really didn't help in my decision making, but I did feel a little better.
I put my head down on the pillow.
She stands twelve feet above the flood
She stares
Alone
Across the water
Jake had a Cure CD.
I walked over to my CD player and changed the CD to the Shins.
I walked back over to my bed and picked up my phone.
Again.
*86
Send
"To listen to your messages, press 1."
1
"Lex, I'm soo sorry, but you have to lis--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lexie, you probably just erased that last message, so I'm gonna tell you aga--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex, just call answer your damn phone! I really need to ta--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Pick up! I know you're there! Just pick up the phone so I can explain this all to you! It's just--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex," he slurred. This one must have been from much later that night. Typical Jake. Getting drunk solves everything, right? "Lex, I love you. You have to listen to me. I have for so long. I can't stand not being wi--"
7
Lies he feeds me.
"Message erased. Next message."
"Baby, I need youuuu. I *hiccup* nee--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Leeexiiieeee. Why are you doing this to me? Why--"
7
Doing this to him? What a jerk.
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lexie, please," at least he was sober at this point. "Please pick up your phone. I don't know what I said last night in my messages, but I'm gonna start over again. This--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex, it's Sam. I let you cool off for a day, and I know that's not enough, so if you need to talk, just call me. Love you babe, bye."
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Leeeeexie! Please! You're everywhere around me, but I can't reach you! Just pick up so we can talk this out--"
7
This was getting harder every time.
"Message erased. Next message."
"Baby, Jake called me." No Sam! Not you, too! "He's a mess. Just give him a shot. Listen to what he has--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lexie. Call me." I didn't even have to cut him off!
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Hey, Lex. I know you probably hate me now, too," Ricky started, "And me!" I heard Ray say in the background, "But Jake is really torn up right now, and I'm sure you are, too, and we've all already kicked our own asses for being jerks, and I'm sure they need further kicking, but give us, especially Jake, a second chance. Or at least a chance to explain--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"I need you to listen. Just listen." My finger hovered above the seven button. "Look, when I made the bet, I was being stupid. Okay? I was pissed because of something you'd said to me at school. I was pissed over something stupid. I was being stupid. I didn't mean anything by it. I was pissed because I was starting to realize how much I liked you, and my brain didn't want me to admit it to myself, and I wanted revenge, or something stupid like that. And about the Ben thing--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Alright, so you probably cut the message off immediately when I said his name, so I'll say it again. I'm really sorry. I'm really really sorry. I can't even say how sorry I am. And I love y--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex, it's 7:00, and I'm outside your house, and I don't think you're going to come out. And the full effect of how much I royally fucked up just hit me. And I don't want to say anything stupid. I probably shouldn't say anything at all. But I'm going to. Lexie, you mean the world to me. I've fallen so hard for you. And it's not just some stupid high school thing where after a week I'm in love. I've been in love with you for a long time. And I think you've been in love with me for a long time, too. And I'm really, truly, very sorry for what an idiot I've been. But that was the past. I'm ready to grow up for you. I'm ready to do whatever I have to for you. Because, now that I've lived with you, and I mean, we really did live together, I don't think I can live without--"
Silence.
"Would you like to replay this message?"
The message was too long.
"Would you like to replay this message?"
I clicked the seven button before shutting my phone.
Now I'm even more confused.
Up until that last message, I was really hating Jake.
At first, the sound of his voice made me want to run back to school so we could make up and forget this ever happened.
But then I remembered what he was talking about.
And I hated him again.
And now? That last message?
I'm so CONFUSED!
"Caroline?" I called, walking down stairs.
"In the kitchen, sweetie!" I heard her call.
I walked over and sat across from her at the breakfast table.
"I-I have a problem, and I was wondering if you could help me?" I asked, timidly.
Her face lit up. This was really the first time I'd come to her and asked for help with something. This is really the first time I'd treated her like we were, in some way, related.
"Anything, dear, sit down!"
"So... I have this friend," I started, knowing she knew I was talking about myself, "and her boyfriend, she just found out, was being a complete jerk, and was kind of the reason her and her last boyfriend broke up, and he also did some really mean things to her before they started dating because it was a bet because they belonged to different cliques at school, and now she really doesn't know what to do, to forgive him, or let him explain himself, or just forget him completely," I spoke, glaring at my fingernails again.
"Well, does she really like this boy?"
I sighed, "Yeah. She really likes him," I said, picking at my nail polish.
"And she was a saint to him, right? I mean, before they hooked up?"
I paused, "Well, no. Not exactly. But he started it!" I picked up a spoon and twirled it around my fingers.
"Sounds like they were both pretty mean to each other from the start, then huh?"
"I guess, so, yeah," I said, turning my attention to the backyard.
"So you, your friend, can't really put all of the blame on the one fellow who was mean?"
"Yeah. You'e right!" I lifted my head a little.
"Problem solved?"
"As much as it can be for now. So you think I should let him explain himself?"
"I think it would only be fair."
"Thanks." I told her, looking at her in the eyes, sincerely.
"Anytime, sweetie. So are you feeling any better?"
"A little. I'm gonna go back upstairs and rest for a little while, though. Thanks again."
"Alright. Just call me if you need anything."
I nodded to her and went back upstairs.
I made an internal decision.
I would listen to him, at least.
I guess I could hear him out.
But I'm still not going to forgive him.
We're not getting back together.
I knew this wouldn't work from the start, and nothing has changed.
Pessimist! Results?
I'd love some results.
I'd also love some messages!
So, I to this one place every Saturday night. And there's this guy there, and I like him for, like, two and a half months. He liked me, too. I'm like, ninety nine percent sure.
But he didn't ask me out.
And I started dating this guy who was totally wrong for me.
And I brought him with me one Saturday, and then the next Saturday, the other guy I had liked, but sort of moved on form brought his new girlfriend.
So broke up with my boyfriend like, four weeks ago.
But, for the last three Saturdays, we didn't see each other, and that's the only time we ever see each other.
So I went last Saturday, and he was there. And I was there. And I guess he'd heard about me breaking up with my boyfriend from one of my friends, cos he broke up with his girlfriend like, the week after I dumped my boyfriend.
And we spent like, all of Saturday together.
And he still hasn't asked me out!
I walked past him.
"Lex, just let me explain"
I kept walking, tears coming to my eyes.
"Lex--"
"Dude, give it a fucking rest," Alex said, stopping him from walking any further.
"B-but. I didn't mean any of those things to hurt her. I was an ass. I just want to apologize."
"Well, at least give her some time."
"But I don't want to be too late!"
I couldn't stand listening to them anymore. I walked into the classroom.
I went over to my desk and put my head down.
"Honey, I heard what happened. I'm so sorry," Sarah told me.
"I want to die."
BR<>
"Come on, it can't be that bad."
"I think I loved him."
"You can't love someone after just a week. You're being dramatic." She told me.
"I'm not being dramatic." I lifted my head to look at her. "I didn't just start loving him. I fell in love with him a long time ago, and never stopped."
She breathed in deeply, then exhaled.
"W-what are you talking about?"
I told her about how me and Jake had been best friends.
I told her stuff that I didn't even realize had fit in until now.
I thought I hated him.
I just hated the thought of him.
I hated that I liked him, so I made us fight.
I hated fighting, so I tried to avoid him.
And I somehow managed to fall in love with him.
I told her everything.
About Ben.
Just everything.
"Lex, I don't know what to say to you. Maybe... maybe you should listen to him. Give him a chance to explain himself."
"But I don't want to get hurt again," I told her, now in tears.
I feel so vulnerable.
It's disgusting.
She gave me more advice.
I just want to crawl into a shell and die.
I sighed, and shakily stood up.
"I'm gonna go home." I mumbled.
"Alright. I'll see you later, then."
I nodded to her.
I didn't have a ride home. Jake was usually my ride to school, but I rode the bus this morning.
And now, now I have to walk home.
Walking took me forever.
And it sucked, because I didn't have my iPod on me or anything, so all I could do was think of stupid Jake and how I was just some stupid fucking joke to him.
And then there was this other voice in my head that told me that he wouldn't be trying to apologize if I was just a joke to him.
But then I remembered what he'd said.
What he'd done.
I don't care how in love with him I am, I'm not going crawling back to him like some pathetic little girl.
When I finally got to my driveway, I noticed my step-mom's car was there.
"I'm sick! I'm going up to my room to sleep!" I called out, my voice echoing through the house.
I went upstairs and changed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt.
I crawled into bed after shutting off all the lights and putting in a Cure CD.
BR>
"Honey?"
"I'll be fine. I just caught a bug or something," I mumbled.
"Honey, is this about Jake?" she asked.
How the hell does everyone know about this.
"I'm fine," I repeated.
"Okay. Just let me say one thing: sometimes, your mind can just portray one part of a situation. Your logical thinking gets shut down. Your heart gets shut down. Sometimes you just have to take a while and really think about your situation, and let your heart decide whether or not you should give someone a second chance."
"Mhm" I mumbled, glumbly.
She came and sat down on the bed, putting the back of her hand to my forehead, she said, "And always remember, it's in them for people to change."
My eyes glazed over as I stared at my chipping blue nail polish.
"Hope you get this bug out of you. Get better, sweetie," she told me.
Why is it that it seams all of the things people say to me are telling me to get back together with Jake?
I reached onto the floor for my phone, which I'd forgotten this morning.
18 Missed Calls... later.
16 New Voicemails.. later.
10 New Text Messages... meh. I can at least read them.
Jake: Lex? Look, I'm really sorry. Let me explain.
Jake: Look, I'll leave you alone until you want me to talk to you.
Haylie: I know we don't really talk anymore, but remember, boys are douche bags. Don't let them get you down.
Sam: Call me when you're ready to talk, okay? I'll be waiting.
Ricky: Jake can be an ass sometimes. I'm really sorry for how stupid we can be sometimes. Talk to me sometime.
Jake: I know I said I'd stop for now, but I just wanted to let you know I love you, and good night.
Patrick: Band practice next Saturday. Call me sometime to talk about it.
K.C. [another girl friend]: Boys are stupid! Heard about what happened! Here for you!
Alex: Hey, this is Sarah! Guys are idiots! Call me if you need to. Alex said he's kicking his pansy ass! I'll put him through a meat grinder! >.<
Austin: Sweetie, I'm so sorry! Take it from a guy, we're really stupid! And I think half of our grade has already started planning their attack on Jake!
I put my phone down. They really didn't help in my decision making, but I did feel a little better.
I put my head down on the pillow.
She stands twelve feet above the flood
She stares
Alone
Across the water
Jake had a Cure CD.
I walked over to my CD player and changed the CD to the Shins.
I walked back over to my bed and picked up my phone.
Again.
*86
Send
"To listen to your messages, press 1."
1
"Lex, I'm soo sorry, but you have to lis--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lexie, you probably just erased that last message, so I'm gonna tell you aga--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex, just call answer your damn phone! I really need to ta--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Pick up! I know you're there! Just pick up the phone so I can explain this all to you! It's just--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex," he slurred. This one must have been from much later that night. Typical Jake. Getting drunk solves everything, right? "Lex, I love you. You have to listen to me. I have for so long. I can't stand not being wi--"
7
Lies he feeds me.
"Message erased. Next message."
"Baby, I need youuuu. I *hiccup* nee--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Leeexiiieeee. Why are you doing this to me? Why--"
7
Doing this to him? What a jerk.
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lexie, please," at least he was sober at this point. "Please pick up your phone. I don't know what I said last night in my messages, but I'm gonna start over again. This--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex, it's Sam. I let you cool off for a day, and I know that's not enough, so if you need to talk, just call me. Love you babe, bye."
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Leeeeexie! Please! You're everywhere around me, but I can't reach you! Just pick up so we can talk this out--"
7
This was getting harder every time.
"Message erased. Next message."
"Baby, Jake called me." No Sam! Not you, too! "He's a mess. Just give him a shot. Listen to what he has--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lexie. Call me." I didn't even have to cut him off!
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Hey, Lex. I know you probably hate me now, too," Ricky started, "And me!" I heard Ray say in the background, "But Jake is really torn up right now, and I'm sure you are, too, and we've all already kicked our own asses for being jerks, and I'm sure they need further kicking, but give us, especially Jake, a second chance. Or at least a chance to explain--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"I need you to listen. Just listen." My finger hovered above the seven button. "Look, when I made the bet, I was being stupid. Okay? I was pissed because of something you'd said to me at school. I was pissed over something stupid. I was being stupid. I didn't mean anything by it. I was pissed because I was starting to realize how much I liked you, and my brain didn't want me to admit it to myself, and I wanted revenge, or something stupid like that. And about the Ben thing--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Alright, so you probably cut the message off immediately when I said his name, so I'll say it again. I'm really sorry. I'm really really sorry. I can't even say how sorry I am. And I love y--"
7
"Message erased. Next message."
"Lex, it's 7:00, and I'm outside your house, and I don't think you're going to come out. And the full effect of how much I royally fucked up just hit me. And I don't want to say anything stupid. I probably shouldn't say anything at all. But I'm going to. Lexie, you mean the world to me. I've fallen so hard for you. And it's not just some stupid high school thing where after a week I'm in love. I've been in love with you for a long time. And I think you've been in love with me for a long time, too. And I'm really, truly, very sorry for what an idiot I've been. But that was the past. I'm ready to grow up for you. I'm ready to do whatever I have to for you. Because, now that I've lived with you, and I mean, we really did live together, I don't think I can live without--"
Silence.
"Would you like to replay this message?"
The message was too long.
"Would you like to replay this message?"
I clicked the seven button before shutting my phone.
Now I'm even more confused.
Up until that last message, I was really hating Jake.
At first, the sound of his voice made me want to run back to school so we could make up and forget this ever happened.
But then I remembered what he was talking about.
And I hated him again.
And now? That last message?
I'm so CONFUSED!
"Caroline?" I called, walking down stairs.
"In the kitchen, sweetie!" I heard her call.
I walked over and sat across from her at the breakfast table.
"I-I have a problem, and I was wondering if you could help me?" I asked, timidly.
Her face lit up. This was really the first time I'd come to her and asked for help with something. This is really the first time I'd treated her like we were, in some way, related.
"Anything, dear, sit down!"
"So... I have this friend," I started, knowing she knew I was talking about myself, "and her boyfriend, she just found out, was being a complete jerk, and was kind of the reason her and her last boyfriend broke up, and he also did some really mean things to her before they started dating because it was a bet because they belonged to different cliques at school, and now she really doesn't know what to do, to forgive him, or let him explain himself, or just forget him completely," I spoke, glaring at my fingernails again.
"Well, does she really like this boy?"
I sighed, "Yeah. She really likes him," I said, picking at my nail polish.
"And she was a saint to him, right? I mean, before they hooked up?"
I paused, "Well, no. Not exactly. But he started it!" I picked up a spoon and twirled it around my fingers.
"Sounds like they were both pretty mean to each other from the start, then huh?"
"I guess, so, yeah," I said, turning my attention to the backyard.
"So you, your friend, can't really put all of the blame on the one fellow who was mean?"
"Yeah. You'e right!" I lifted my head a little.
"Problem solved?"
"As much as it can be for now. So you think I should let him explain himself?"
"I think it would only be fair."
"Thanks." I told her, looking at her in the eyes, sincerely.
"Anytime, sweetie. So are you feeling any better?"
"A little. I'm gonna go back upstairs and rest for a little while, though. Thanks again."
"Alright. Just call me if you need anything."
I nodded to her and went back upstairs.
I made an internal decision.
I would listen to him, at least.
I guess I could hear him out.
But I'm still not going to forgive him.
We're not getting back together.
I knew this wouldn't work from the start, and nothing has changed.
Pessimist! Results?
I'd love some results.
I'd also love some messages!
So, I to this one place every Saturday night. And there's this guy there, and I like him for, like, two and a half months. He liked me, too. I'm like, ninety nine percent sure.
But he didn't ask me out.
And I started dating this guy who was totally wrong for me.
And I brought him with me one Saturday, and then the next Saturday, the other guy I had liked, but sort of moved on form brought his new girlfriend.
So broke up with my boyfriend like, four weeks ago.
But, for the last three Saturdays, we didn't see each other, and that's the only time we ever see each other.
So I went last Saturday, and he was there. And I was there. And I guess he'd heard about me breaking up with my boyfriend from one of my friends, cos he broke up with his girlfriend like, the week after I dumped my boyfriend.
And we spent like, all of Saturday together.
And he still hasn't asked me out!