The Lure of Adventure

"Give me a chance and I'll show you how nothing has changed."

You Must Love Me - Lana Del Rey

We sit on the swings, rocking back and forth in the moon's cool blue glow. I look across the playground at Nathan who has busied himself with aggressively riding the rocking horse, yelling out expletives into the night, enjoying his night away from the strictness of the home. I look at Sam and squeeze his hand, which had become cold in the night chill.

"How have you been? Really?" I ask him, looking down at my hand dangling from his.

He takes a long drag from his cigarette, making the end glow bright orange. He holds it in his lungs and flicks the ash before exhaling slowly and responding.

"It's not easy, that's for damn sure." He raises his eyes to look at Nathan across the playground. "But I've gotta do it. For him."

I nod slowly, looking over at his face. "How's work been?"

"It's alright," he replies with a slight shrug. "It's not ideal work, but, my boss says I'm good at what I do so that's worth something... I might have a pay raise coming my way soon."

"That's good." I murmur, closing my eyes and rocking slowly.

"I know there's more that you won't tell me..." I sigh softly, "And I suppose that secrecy is just part of the deal now. I have to live with that."

I pause for a moment, "I guess I am still struggling with that part."

He hums softly in response, offering nothing to ease my mind. I know he is in danger doing whatever it is he does... I know that is why he won't tell me. But what he doesn't seem to know, is that I will still worry endlessly for him regardless of if he tells me or not.

"I know you don't like it, but it's all part of the plan." He finally replies, not looking at me, his eyes still fixed on Nathan in the distance, his brow pinched in deep thought.

I sigh, shaking my head. "What plan?" I breathe, slightly exasperated. "Sam, what are we doing?"

It's a rhetorical question. We have a plan, sure... But what the Hell are we doing to achieve it? I'd had some time to clear my head being away from them both and it had brought me to a new mindset where suddenly the things we are doing to achieve our dreams feel foolish. I should never have left, and he never should have taken this shady job.

"You know the plan." He reminds with a gruffness to his voice. "I keep working, you stay here until your eighteenth-"

"Sam," I sigh, hanging my head and shaking it slowly. "I don't mean the overarching plan, I mean what the hell are we doing to get to that point? There has to be another way."

"What other way, Missy? There is no other way." He sounds tired, and looks it, too, as he lifts his head slightly to meet my eyes. The softness of the face of the boy I'd met in March long gone. Over the months, his cheeks and jaw had grown more angular as his face took on the look of a man... One already worn down and beaten by the world he found himself in.

"We had another way... Right before it ended in three bullets and blood spilling over Dolfrey's desk. Given the circumstances and the time I have been given to figure out something new quickly, this is the best way I can do for now." He looks away from me when he finishes, taking huffy puffs of his cigarette.

I take a deep breath and hold it for a few moments, carefully picking my words and looking for the ones that won't anger him.

"We need to find another way... One that does not involve you working a shady job that you'll get killed doing."

I hit a nerve, I can see it in his eyes. The exhaustion there was swiftly replaced by anger and upset.

"What, do you think that I want to work this job? That I would not rather be living comfortably with some strangers playing house, waiting for everything to fall in place for me?"

"That's not fair," I snap "I wanted to get a job, I wanted to help out and you wouldn't let me. You made the decision for me to come here. Don't you dare pin this on me. You also made the decision by yourself to get the job, and had you asked me first, we could have figured out something else together."

"Do I have to run every decision I make by you? Fucking hell, Missy, we're dating. We're not married. This isn't all about you, or even me... This is about Nathan. And if I don't start thinking straight and get my shit together for him, no one will. I am all he's got."

He looked me in the eyes, his breathing heavier and unsteady now. There is some glimmer of erratic energy in his eyes that makes me worry. Before I can say anything else to him, he looks away.

He huffs, smoke coming from his nostrils as he exhales, snuffing out his cigarette on the toe of his Converse. He rose from the swing set and walked toward Nathan without another word.

I don't follow. I give him his space and watch from afar as he sits semi-crouched on the other rocking horse beside Nathan, watching his brother throw all his body's weight into flinging it back and forth.

Things have certainly gotten more complicated since he got his job. I know he feels responsible for so much, and try as I might, he refuses to delegate some of that responsibility to me. Not that I can do much from my current situation, anyway...

I want to help him, but I don't know how. He won't let me. He wants to do this all by himself, and above all else, all he has ever wanted is to give his brother the life he deserves. I can't really help him achieve that... Only cheer him on from the sidelines and hope that it's enough.

I can't just sit around waiting for my birthday. I need to be out earning, too. The more money we can scrape together now, the better off we will be when the time comes.

I admire Sam's energy, I really do. He looked at their own father and knew that he wanted to be nothing like that. Sam is way too young to worry about stepping up into a paternal role, but here he is. And he jad done so without complaint or qualm. Nathan is very lucky to have him... They are very lucky to have each other.

Their bond is too strong to be torn by anything... In Nathan's eyes, Sam can do no wrong. He looks up to his brother a lot, wants to be just like him.

I watch them bond over the simple playground equipment and frown to myself. Nathan would do absolutely anything Sam would ask him to. And as much as I love Sam, he has had a history of being somewhat a wild card at times.

I worry for Nathan getting swept up in his brother's current while trying to be like him. And with the way Sam is sailing now into his strangely vague and illegal territory, I have to wonder what that entails for the Morgan boys. What kind of life are they carving out for themselves now?

A thought crosses my mind for the briefest moment... I banish it immediately but it lingered... This life Sam is planning for himself and Nathan... Does it include me?

A big smile spreads across Sam's lips as he watches Nathan. His lips move as he speaks but his words are lost to me, too low for me to pick up on. He runs his hand through his hair, pushing the longer brown locks back off his forehead. He lifts his eyes to mine and holds my gaze... The corner of his lips falling down slightly into a partial frown.

I can't entirely read his expression but I can pick up on some degree of regret in his eyes... Either for the things we'd said in the heat of the moment just minutes ago or regret for allowing me to hold any place in his heart at all.

I look down at my hands, the bright moonlight bleaches my skin a pale shade of blue. I rub them together slowly, trying to look busy so I don't have to look up again.

I've always been awful about overthinking things. Long before I'd even met Sam, I did it all the time. It made making new friends difficult and was one of the reasons why I did not have any relationships before Sam. My anxieties and fears were the reason I found myself up on the orphanage roof so often.

Perhaps it is a blessing things worked out that way. Though... I never would have noticed nor met Sam had I not gone up there.

I hesitantly peek up at him again. He's putting on a show for Nathan, with a big enthusiastic smile and laughs that could light up a dark room. His energy is infectious, and for a moment, I forget the poor mood I've found myself in.

A life without Sam now would not be much fun at all. I don't think I could ever go back to it just being me and the moon again. I'd done that for too many years and now I have become too comfortable in my new company.

Sam laughs and ruffles Nathan's hair, making him swat at his brother's hand. Nathan is smiling and completely eating it up. It's nice to see him smile after the shit that went down over the last few days.

I take a deep breath to clear my mind, forcing myself to remember that none of this is permanent. We have roles to play and things to do. When things are better and fall into place for us again, Sam's joy will return, he won't have to work his job anymore, and we three can go back to the way things were.

We just have to weather this rift... It's an adjustment phase for all of us and it has not been easy to face, especially not apart. As much as I hate to admit it, I had filled every absent moment since getting to the new house thinking about the brothers, thinking about them and fretting about what kind of trouble they might be getting into while I am gone.

Then again, I left them in the care of Lena, who I know would do anything for them. The thought brings me a bit of peace.

"Missy!"

I lift my head to the sound of my name and see Nathan waving to me from his place on the rocking horse that is too small for him. Sam's oversized jacket sleeves hang awkwardly around his hands as he beckons me with a big grin on his face that squeezes my heart. I look from him to Sam who is looking at me, his lips pursed slightly in a small smile.

I don't know why I got up, I did not consciously make the decision to do so... But before I'd really thought about it too hard, I was already halfway across the space between us, the swing left swinging slightly in my abandonment.

I arrive and stand before them, Nathan beaming up at me. "There is one more, get on!" He points at the one beside him designed to look like a sea horse with fading blue paint and dirty handlebars. I thought about it for a moment before clambering on beside him, sitting idly and watching silently as he leaned way back on his, propelling himself forward with all his weight.

The movement causes his body to whip back and forth on the rigid spring. He lets out a loud laugh that breaks up the stillness of the night. I smile at him, watching him enjoy this simple thing.

I look at Sam who now has his eyes fixed on Nathan. There is a glow of wonder and pride in his eyes when he watches him... The kind of pride a father might have while watching his son do something amazing.

Any anger I still held in my heart at that point seemed to melt away. Leaving in its absence this soft feeling of deep adoration for this man. I mean, he took all of this on, all on his own... He didn't need to worry about me, just his brother... But he chose to make me apart of that and apart of their lives.

I take a deep breath, holding it in my lungs, feeling my heart start to pound just looking at him. And for a moment, it's like that first night we met all over again when we were just strangers and I was just a girl with a pathetic crush and no chance... I never anticipated any of this... That in a few months from that night, we three would be here, at this point in our lives on our way to our freedom.

Just a few more weeks, and we will be free.

The thought alone makes me feel giddy with excitement. I've tried to imagine what it might be like when we get to that point. When it is just us against the world, doing anything and everything we can to suck every experience from life while we are here. To go out there and to pursue the lure of adventure calling to each of us.

Sam's eyes drift from Nathan back to mine and he holds them again. Only now his gaze is soft and tired, the way he had looked at me in the early morning hours just before dawn on nights when he'd been up too long but didn't want to say goodbye yet.

Then, this goofy half-smile spreads across his lips and I see in his expression that this is what home feels like. Not the four walls and a roof or access to running water... Home is in those who you love and trust.

I realize now... That these two are the only people I have ever felt like that about. Fran and Lena included. When I am with Nathan and Sam, I don't feel babied or pitied... I feel apart of things, I feel protective of them both instead of just being the protected.

"Sam, come on!" Nathan encourages, continuing to sling himself back and forth. Sam laughs and grins, shifting his weight on the tiny seal, gripping the handlebars and leaning back to replicate Nathan's movements.

"Come on, babe." Sam calls over to me, grinning at me. His smile is genuine and it pulls at my heart. I wish it could be like this all the time, I wish he wasn't always so tired and burnt out. I wish I could do more to make his life easier.

I shake my head and sigh, smiling back. I lean into the seahorse and throw myself forward. We must have looked like quite a sight then, the three of us slinging back and forth like oversized children.

We spent a long time there, laughing until our sides hurt and we could not breathe. When our energy waned, we lapsed into a comfortable silence and settled for swapping tales from our lives in low voices, not that anyone else was around to hear them.

I lost track of time, and for a few hours, we just talked. I kept a close eye on Sam, but after he started to open up and share his own stories, his tired and stressed aura dissipated.

I was just thinking of one more story to tell when Nathan nodded behind me. "Crap... Sun's starting to come up."

I turn in the dew-dampened grass to look at the horizon which had started turning a pale shade of pink.

"Shit... You two had better hustle if you're going to make it back before roll call." I mumble, scrambling to my feet and stumbling because my legs had fallen asleep. Sam caught me, bursting into a fit of laughter. Nathan joined in, both of them enjoying a laugh at my expense.

"Yeah, yeah..." I mumble with a slight, tight-lipped smile as I dust the grass bits off my legs. "I get it."

Nathan broke out in a sprint toward the sidewalk. I turn to follow after him.

"Hey..." Sam grabs my arm, pulling me gently back to his side. I look up at his eyes under his long, dark lashes.

"What's up?"

"I... I wanted to apologize for earlier... I didn't mean to snap at you. I know you meant well... It's just- things haven't been great recently on all fronts. I miss having you around. I know it's only been two days, it's ridiculous... But I miss you."

My heart swelled and a big, proud smile formed on my face. Part of me wanted to poke fun at him but some part of me just felt like it wasn't the time for it.

"It's okay," I breathe, "I know it's hard for you right now. And I know you didn't mean to come off that harsh, even if the message was needed. I know you're working hard and staying as safe as you can... I worry about you regardless of if you tell me what you're up to or not." I shrug, giving him a small smile.

"But I will pray for your safety."

"Thank you." He reaches for me, securing my shoulders under his arm and squeezing me to his chest. I wrap my around his waist, holding him tightly.

He broke free first, settling for just holding my hand on the walk back to the sidewalk.

"Hurry up, Sam!" Nathan huffs, "Or the cops'll pick us up if they see us walking."

"It's fine!" Sam calls back, "I've been out later than this, we'll just cut through some backyards on our way back."

Nathan does not look amused with his response, but he doesn't argue it. He crosses his arms across his chest, waiting impatiently for us to get back to him.

"This has all been a lovely reunion, but I think we'd better jog back if we're hoping to get you two on your way quickly." I nod them forward. Nathan grabs onto my other hand and we take off in an awkward run down the street in the direction of my home.

The sky is lighting up quickly, the stars have already begun to fade and the moon has been reduced to little more than a faded white disc near the opposite horizon.

"We're going to be in so much trouble!" Nathan groans.

"We're going to be fine."