Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

I was bored. Beyond bored. I had continued gossiping with Marissa for about an hour before she had to leave and had proceeded to half watch some TV for a while until I bored myself into starting my tour laundry and frankly that didn’t go down so well either. And, so, I was bored, half watching TV at some-time-past-nine. The last time I’d looked at my phone, it was 9, I didn’t know how long ago that was.
In the last three weeks, I’d been alone all of about two hours at a time, and now I was stuck in my house with nothing to do. John was out and I didn’t want to pester him with my whining, nor did I want to text Marissa who had briefly mentioned it was date night, and I was still stubbornly not calling Alex, telling myself it was good for him if I kept quiet for a while. Once the two of us starting talking while I was here, I knew we'd struggle to stop. I didn’t want to make a habit of the way we'd been talking on tour, pretty sure it peeved John at least a little, and now I didn’t have the proximity excuse.
I checked my phone again, knowing it hadn’t gone off but checking nonetheless in the vain hope of some sort of communication from someone, before giving up and putting my phone on the table in front of me and leaning back on the sofa once again.
What the hell did I normally do with myself on my nights alone? I had cleaned (sort of), done my laundry (again, sort of. Stop judging me), showered, watched plenty of TV and called my friends. I’m sure I had a usual routine but I just couldn’t settle in. I huffed, toying with the idea of going out and doing something drastic, like, I don’t know, dyeing my hair blue or taking a pair of scissors to the long locks.
Did I mention I was bored?
My phone pinged on the table in front of me and I groaned as I realised I was going to have to move to pick it up and see who wanted me. I wasn’t happy with this turn of events at all, remembering just how close my phone had been to my hand not ten minutes ago. I started on the preview to see if it was worth my while, noting Alex’s name on the screen above it and feeling a smile pull at my lips.
Hey, I know I haven’t spoken to you—
My phone started vibrating in my hand before I could open the text fully, Alex’s name now filling my screen instead of only a small portion of it. I grinned, grateful he was now speaking to me again. It looked like Vegas had just been because it was Vegas and the last few days the same as my own silence, that being that I was tired and breaking out of my tour bubble (and, apparently, into my John bubble).
“Hey, Alex,” I greeted happily. “Sorry for the radio silence.” There was a small silence on the other end and I stayed poised with my phone to my ear, debating if this had been a butt dial because he’d just text me.
“Hey, Hol,” he replied finally. My heart dropped as I recognised the familiar slurring in his voice. “I was really confused for a second, because I’m so used to you not answering,” he laughed. Fuck. I didn’t want to deal with drunk Alex. Especially drunk Alex who was so drunk he forgot we were now on speaking terms. It didn’t feel like a good sign. I longed for my boredom, not sure I could take all that came with responding to drunk Alex while I was sober.
“Have you been drinking?” I sighed, asking though we both knew the answer.
“A little,” he chuckled. “But I always do on November second. And first. And third, really. But mostly the second. Don’t you?” My heart dropped further as I looked at the date, realising he was passing over into the third now and therefore had probably been drinking most of the last 24 hours.
“I used to,” I admitted. And by ‘used to’ I meant that I had for the last two years, before I would drunkenly call John. I honestly felt guilty, realising I’d been so wrapped up in John I’d forgotten for the first time ever.
“Three years, Holly. Three years,” he groaned into the phone. “Three years ago today you told me you were my girlfriend and then you just left. Three years since I started to fall in love with you.”
“Alex, I thought we were—”
“Don’t you dare try and say ‘over this’ to me, Jasey Rae. Don’t you dare. You know this isn’t over, you feel it in your bones the way I do.”
“I have John.”
“And does it feel like when we were together?” I bit my lip, not sure now was the time to tell him I loved John. Even if it had been, I wasn’t sure I would willingly do so. I found myself drawn to Alex most days, the way you might be drawn to your old worst habits, knowing you shouldn’t but needing it nonetheless. I hated it, the way he got under my skin like nobody else. John soothed the itch and he made me happy, and I did genuinely believe I loved him, but Alex destroyed my defences every damn time we spoke. That had been the main reason I knew that if we made a habit of speaking while apart, we wouldn’t stop even when we should. Alex was dangerous for me to be around.
“It’s not supposed to,” I told him simply.
“Why not? What part of us was so wrong?”
“You mean aside from the cheating and lying?” I scoffed before I could stop myself. “How about the way we screamed at each other after Vegas and never actually fucking dealt with what caused the fight? Or the way we didn’t feel comfortable enough to admit we loved each other? We had some major fucking flaws, Alex.”
“How about the way we talked for hours about everything?” He countered. “How about the ways we pushed each other to do better for ourselves every single god damn day? You drive me fucking crazy, Holly, and God dammit I know we had problems, but we kept each other sane, kept each other’s dreams alive and we were happy.”
“I’m happy now.”
“But your dreams are dead.”
His words knocked the wind out of me. For all of Marissa's nagging earlier about school, I had been perfectly content to continue as I was, skating by and losing myself in John, but Alex’s words reminded me that something hadn’t been right with me since that day in May. I know he had done the breaking, but he always knew how to fix me back up again.
“All I wanted to say is that I miss you,” he sighed after I didn’t respond. “I miss the girl I used to know, who didn’t let anybody get her down. You fucking fell apart over one little argument and I don’t know that girl.
“Anyway, happy anniversary. I know I said I wouldn't say it anymore, but I love you.”
He hung up the phone before I had chance to respond, and I felt it all over again. My heart broke for the second time in three years and I didn’t spare a thought for how I was supposed to feel. I didn’t think for a second about my love for John, how he made me feel and the person I became with him, I just cried. I missed that girl too, and I missed who Alex made me, but it didn’t feel like enough of a reason to go crawling back. I knew he’d take me, but what did that mean? I couldn’t be exactly who I’d been before all of this, I never would be again.
“Hello?” Jack’s groggy voice came through the phone. I held back a sniffle, just thankful I was composed enough to call him at all. Nobody needed dragging into this argument, but through my hurt I knew Alex needed a friendly face right now. I mean, I guess I did too, but I’d settle for Alex getting what he needed.
“I think you need to check on Alex,” I told him. “He’s drunk dialling me again.”
“Shit. Really?” He immediately sounded more alert and I could hear the rustling through the phone as he sat up or got himself out of bed. “What’s he saying?”
“It’s our anniversary.” I wiped away the tears that had silently fallen, desperate not to let out a sound.
“Shit,” he hissed again. It went quiet for a moment, and I leaned my head back, still pushing back the feelings threatening to overwhelm me. “Are you okay?” He asked quietly, and I let out a breath.
“Would it be bad if I said no?”
“Not at all,” he told me, pushing out a small, forced laugh. “You’re as strong and stubborn as you’ve ever been, but that doesn’t mean any of us expect you to be okay with everything that’s happened with Alex. John or no John, you’re both going to carry on being in love with each other until the end.
“I’m not trying to start an argument, I’m just saying I understand. The problem is, you’re trying to be friends with Alex too and it’s not going to work. I’m not saying cut ties with Alex, but if you did, I’ve cleaned up that mess before and I’d be able to do it again.”
“I love John,” I insisted, though my voice broke anyway.
“I know you do. I never said otherwise. The question is who you love more. Who brings out the side of you that you enjoy the most?” He sighed a little as I thought over his words. “I gotta go, Jase. I need to see Alex. I’ll talk to you later.”
“See you, Jack,” I muttered.