How Did We Get Here?

Chapter One - Hannah Hanssen

When she was twelve years old, Hannah Hanssen had decided what she wanted to do with her life; she wanted to be a veterinarian. Her father was a doctor and spent more of his time at work than with her so she decided that people weren’t worth saving in the same way animals were, she wanted to save the lives of animals because they were worthier than the patients Henrik Hanssen was saving. She allowed her resentment towards her father to fester inside of her for a few more years before she allowed it to be shown, of course he didn’t pick up on it; she didn’t know if that frustrated her even more.
She didn’t have a mother to turn to for guidance. She didn’t even know anything about the woman who had given birth to her, apparently, she had left her and her father just as soon as she could after Hannah had been born. She wondered if she looked like Hannah, skinny with blonde hair and brown eyes, she must do, Hannah didn’t look much like her father. As she progressed through her teenage years she’d stopped trying to imagine the kind of woman her mother had been and resigned herself to the fact that she would never know. Every time she tried to connect to her father or even ask about the past lives they had led he shut her down and retired to his study, she learned to rely on her own company from a very young age.
Occasionally her father’s friends joined them for dinner and she was required to be on her best behaviour, John Gaskell, Roxanna MacMillan and David Hopkins gradually became staple guests in her childhood and she learned to like them well enough. John, Roxanna and her father would often divulge into aspects of medicine she didn’t understand but David Hopkins often took pity on her and would sit with her and try and explain cardio trauma surgery to her, apparently, she took to it pretty well because he often praised her for being clever beyond her years and she found herself eager to understand more of this aspect of medicine. She would never forget the first time she added a comment to the conversation at dinner and the shocked faces of her father, John and Roxanna, David burst out laughing and Hannah almost thought she saw a glimmer of pride in her father’s eyes before the conversation resumed without her. After that she began to reconsider her determination to be a vet and thought that maybe being a doctor wouldn’t be so bad after all.
She was eighteen when she first learned about her father’s past life in Sweden and the half-brother she’d never known she’d had. She was only told the full truth when she demanded it from her father and then she felt like she’d discovered a half of herself that she’d never even been aware was missing. To say she was angry at her father was an understatement. She thought that her childhood had been neglectful but to learn that he had completely abandoned a son in Sweden made her feel like she’d been petulant to say the least. Her anger caused her to sever with her father but she tried to get to know the family she’d never known before in Sweden. There was always an element of animosity between her and Frederik but over time she tried to imagine that it wasn’t the case and ignored his apparent resentment towards her. Sara was different and took her younger sister-in-law in well, the two became friends but Hannah knew that she had to return to England.
The following year Hannah began her training as a doctor always with the ambition to specialise in CT surgery like David had inspired in her, this included a placement at Holby City hospital. She hadn’t forgiven her father for keeping such a huge secret from her and she wasn’t sure that she ever would. Working on AAU gave her a chance to see the hospital as she’d never seen it before, she’d known the people who worked there since she was a teenager but now she was placed as an equal with them and was keen to rise in the ranks. She was studious and confident in her work but also enjoyed joining her colleagues at the pub after a shift, she could handle a lot of alcohol for a relatively small girl. Working at Holby, however, brought up more conflict with her father and she continued to reject him, unaware of the negative effect this had on his emotional state. She became good friends with Oliver Valentine and often beat him when taking shots in the pub after work, their fling was brief before Hannah realised that Ollie wasn’t the guy for her and she wanted to focus on her career.
It was around this time that Hannah became aware of her father’s depression. She caught him one night panicked and meticulously organising his desk which was already spotless, she gently sat him down and made him talk to her. That was the first time they ever opened up to one another and she found that she was able to calm him; she realised that she needed him just as much as he needed her and their relationship took a turn. She knew that he was never going to change who he was, but they both needed to try to get to know one another better because family was more important than anything else.
Things were going so well over the next few months, both Hannah and Henrik stuck to their vows to get to know one another better and Hannah became a completely different kind of daughter now she understood her father better. She made him a healthy lunch every morning to take with him and checked up on him regularly throughout the day, he began to refer to her privately as his ‘ray of sunshine’. She was happy enough for the both of them, she grinned at everything and joked ceaselessly to the annoyance of some of her colleagues. Generally though, most people liked her. At the same time she attended lectures at the university and worked hard at her studies, she was determined to make her father proud then more than ever. In class she met a fellow surgeon in training named Liam Cloak.
Liam wouldn’t leave her alone until she went out with him for a drink and she eventually gave in to him. They embarked on a relationship but she didn’t let her attention to her father waver for a moment. It only took a couple of months for Hannah to learn about Liam’s temper and she became unsure of whether she really wanted to be with him but ultimately decided to give it a little longer before she made any drastic decisions. They arranged to go on holiday together for a long weekend and when they were there Hannah awoke one morning to find that he was gone. He turned up later that day and when she confronted him she found out he had gone to meet another woman he’d met at the bar the night before. When Hannah made it her intention to leave and return home he hit her for the first time and refused to let her go. They returned home together and Hannah tried to leave him but every time she tried he forced her to stay, he begged and pleaded and threatened and she gave in every time. She knew that this wasn’t healthy and her sunshine began to fade a little, Henrik noticed but didn’t want to ask her because he understood that her private life was private. This was until Hannah came into work one day with a black eye and a split lip.
….
‘Good morning,’ she sang as she sailed onto the ward, Ollie was the first to notice her injuries.
‘What the hell happened to you?’ He asked and she looked at him for a moment, lost, before realising to what he was alluding.
‘Oh! It’s actually super embarrassing.’ She giggled and blushed a little. ‘Liam and I went out for dinner last night, right? I had a couple of drinks and was a tad tipsy and… well… I tripped over on the high street. Fell flat on my face in front of tons of people I have never been so mortified in my life.’ She laughed and Ollie laughed nervously with her but wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he believed her.
‘Dr Hanssen, I wasn’t aware that AAU was the place for a chat.’ an authorial voice boomed from the corridor and Hannah and Ollie looked around to see the CEO himself standing there, he looked stern but his face fell in shock when he saw the damage done to her face. ‘A word.’ He ordered, quieter and Hannah obediently followed him into the break room, sharing a look with Ollie as she went.
‘Wish me luck.’ She whispered to Ollie as he passed and he raised his eyebrows.
‘You’re going to need it.’ He replied but she was already in the break room and pushing the door to.
‘What happened to your face?’ Hanssen asked before she even really had a chance to shut the door.
‘I was just telling Ollie, I tripped over my own shoelaces and face planted the floor, it was really embarrassing.’ She smiled in a way which she hoped was reassuring but he was far from comforted.
‘How do you get a black eye from tripping? Did you not break your fall?’ He demanded from her and she shrugged, trying to hide the panic that was beginning to bubble inside of her chest; she couldn’t let her father know about the hardships she was going through, he wouldn’t be able to cope.
‘I guess so, I’d had a couple of drinks… I don’t really know I just managed to end up like this. I’m fine though, dad, really.’ She smiled and made to leave but Hanssen held out a hand and took her arm gently, finger-shaped bruises circled her arm just above the sleeve of her scrubs, but Hanssen had noticed them and pointed them out now, he didn’t need to say a word.
Hannah looked down at them and then met her father’s eye and knew that it would be difficult to lie her way out of that one.
‘I guess Liam tried to catch me as I fell.’ She tried to explain but she knew that he wouldn’t take the bait.
‘I think we both know that’s not the case.’ He said quietly, his voice shaking as he struggled to contain his emotion, and Hannah suddenly found tears in her eyes.
‘I can’t leave him, dad. It’s too complicated.’ She whispered and for the first time since she’d comforted him in his office his composure broke. Fear and pain flashed through his eyes but the only way he knew how to respond was to give in to his anger.
‘There is nothing complicated about this.’ He said angrily and Hannah knew he was struggling not to shout. ‘I’m calling the police.’ He said and pulled out his phone but she grabbed his phone before he could do anything.
‘No! Please, don’t! You don’t understand.’ She exclaimed quietly, doing her best to contain her tears, she didn’t want her colleagues to see her like this.
‘What is there to understand?’ He asked, exasperated and shocked that his usually smart daughter couldn’t see the danger she was in.
‘There’s something else.’ She told him in a quiet voice, tears rolling down her cheeks despite her struggle to retain them.
‘What is it?’ He asked quickly, fearing the worst.
‘I’m pregnant.’ She managed to choke out through her sobs and he suddenly went rigid and returned to his cold mode. ‘I’m scared, I don’t know what to do.’ She cried and Hanssen was frozen for a moment in shock. He could tell this was the first time she had admitted it aloud as she began to sob almost uncontrollably and he finally allowed himself to give into his emotions. He pulled her to his chest and held her tightly. She wasn’t sure that she had ever received an embrace like this from him, even as a small child she could only ever remember him being cold and distant and now he was breaking down at seeing her situation. He rocked her gently and whispered words of comfort into her hair, he had never connected with his daughter before and it took her life falling apart for him to do so.
…..
Hannah left Holby hospital and had the baby, a son and she named him Daniel, but he was more commonly known as Danny. Initially she moved back in with her father so that he could help her but after a year she moved out into a place of her own. Once Liam found out about the pregnancy she didn’t need to do anything, he left her all on his own, he didn’t want anything to do with the baby.
Hannah had struggled all through her teenage years trying to reconcile herself to her life, but she’d never thought it was anything as serious as depression. The thought had briefly occurred to her when she’d found out about her father, but she didn’t see the need to address it then as she thought the feelings were behind her. However, after the birth of her son the feelings of emptiness and loneliness returned and she could recognise that it was more serious than she thought. She managed to cope for a couple of years but then Liam got in contact with her, just once, he sent her a threatening message and insulted her so deeply that Hannah found herself at a lower point than she’d ever felt before in her life. She took a razor to her wrist and wound up being treated by her old colleagues at Holby.
…..
It had been a strangely quiet day on AAU and Dominic was unsure whether this was because Hanssen was overseeing the ward that day, or whether it was just a quiet day. The CEO strolled around the ward, checking in on patients and staff alike with his usual air of severity but Dom was past the point of feeling intimidated by him. He did his job right so he nothing to fear. Serena was tied up in more paperwork so she had hardly left the office and Dom had found the day to be going quite smoothly, up until the point where the trolley crashed through the doors and assistance was called for.
‘What have we got?’ Dom asked as he rushed to the patient’s side, not glancing at her face but at the packed arm which was still pumping blood, drenching the attempts to staunch the bleeding.
‘Self-inflicted single laceration to the left forearm,’ explained the paramedic, Ian, ‘ED said she needed to come straight here, the wound is deep and has nearly destroyed the vein, it needs surgery.’ He explained and continued to explain her current observational stats but Dom was distracted, he’d seen her face.
‘Hannah?’ He exclaimed and he noticed Hanssen’s head suddenly snap up from the paperwork he was reviewing at the desk. He was beside Dom in an instant and looking down at his daughter who was deathly pale, unconscious, and close to bleeding out.
‘Hannah Hanssen, aged twenty-four.’ Ian confirmed with a quick glance at Hanssen who was now leaning over her and checking the wound himself.
‘Oh, Hannah what have you done?’ He asked, his voice shaking. His staff had never seen him waver in his professional capacity but Dom could tell that this was going to compromise him.
‘Call Ms. Campbell.’ He instructed a nearby nurse who rushed off to meet his demand, they continued to wheel Hannah in the direction of the emergency theatre.
‘Mr. Hanssen you need to step back.’ Dom felt strange instructing his boss to do such a thing but he knew that if he didn’t exercise this authority then Hanssen would insist on treating Hannah himself and that couldn’t be allowed.
‘Hannah, Hannah…?’ Hanssen ignored Dom and was now stroking his daughter’s hair back from her face and calling her name desperately in an attempt to find any kind of response in her features. His voice was wobbling and Dom noted as tears dropped down onto Hannah’s cheeks, they were nearing the theatre and Ms. Campbell had appeared.
‘Henrik move back.’ She instructed and took his arm as they pushed her through into theatre and began to prep her. Hanssen was unrecognisable, he looked around like a lost child, unsure of himself.
‘You can observe but I cannot allow you to come into theatre.’ Serena told him and he nodded, speechless. She gave his arm a quick, comforting squeeze before rushing into the theatre, leaving Hanssen to find his own way to the observation room. When he arrived, he was able to properly see Hannah as she lay unconscious on the operating table, her arm stretched out to the side so Serena could access it easier. Moments later Serena appeared with Dom and they took their places either side of Hannah’s arm.
They began their observations and noticed how the damaged vein had almost been sliced in half, the cut was deep.
‘I’m not sure I can fix this…’ Serena said quietly but Hanssen heard and he had to place his hand on the glass to steady himself. ‘Call someone down from CT and tell them it’s urgent.’ Serena instructed and began to clear the area. ‘Also, cross match two units and give her two milligrams of TXA into her… she’s lost way too much blood.’
‘We could try splicing the vein with a partial removal from somewhere else?’ Dom suggested but Serena shook her head slowly.
‘I’d rather let a CT surgeon decide the best course of action, for now we’re going to focus on how we can keep her alive.’ She muttered and Hanssen had to sit down. Serena continued to sponge at the wound whilst Dom directed a tube which cleared the area so Serena had a better view of the damage done to the vein.
‘How bad is it, really?’ Hanssen asked through the intercom and Serena didn’t lift her eyes from her work.
‘It’s bad. She’s a surgeon, she knew what she was doing.’ She explained cautiously and a moment later Oliver Valentine burst into the theatre and began scrubbing in.
‘What is it?’ He asked and Dom was the one to reply.
‘Ollie, it might be best if it wasn’t you… Is nobody else available?’ He asked but Serena shook her head as the monitoring of Hannah’s heart suddenly altered from a consistent beep to a monotonous tone.
‘No time, get over here now.’ She instructed as they moved away from Hannah and Serena programmed the defibrillator pads. ‘Charging to one hundred, clear?’
‘Clear.’ Dom confirmed and Serena pressed the button. Hanssen could only watch as his daughter’s body convulsed but there was no change.
‘Charging to one-fifty. Clear?’ Serena repeated and Dom repeated the assurance. Hannah convulsed again and this time her heart returned to its normal rhythm.
‘BP is stabilising.’ Dom confirmed as Ollie joined them at the table. He caught a glimpse of Hanssen and then looked down at his patient’s face.
‘Oh God, Hannah…’ He muttered and Serena called his attention to the arm.
‘Oliver, I really need your attention here.’ She instructed and he did as he was told. He examined the arm and stated that he believed it could be saved if they acted quickly. Hanssen almost seemed benumbed as he watched them work quickly on Hannah’s arm, they were quickly covered in her blood but the bleeding gradually lessened. Four units of blood was given to her and they said she was still low but was no longer losing so much blood so would be alright. The surgery took over an hour but eventually Dominic closed and stitched the clean cut more carefully than he’d ever stitched a wound in his life. The cut had been made confidently, Hannah had been fully aware of what she was doing, she had wanted to end her life.
Once she was stitched up and cleaned Dominic also scrubbed out and Hannah was moved out of theatre. Hanssen had forgotten how to move, he couldn’t take his eyes from his daughter’s pale face. Danny was at day-care, he knew that but he couldn’t help the panic, he knew that he was going to have to care for him but would he be able to convince social services to let Hannah have him back? Did Hannah even want him back? These were questions for another time. It was a few moments before he realised that Serena had joined him.
‘She’ll be alright, Henrik.’ She said comfortingly and he jerked back into reality and realised that tears were streaming his face. He wiped them away hastily and nodded to Serena.
‘Yes, thank you, please keep me updated of her recovery. If you’ll excuse me, I need to make some calls.’ He said and left the observation room. Serena was shocked that he wasn’t going to stay until she woke up but she didn’t doubt that he would return.
A half an hour later, Hannah was beginning to stir. She was in a recovery room on AAU and Ollie and Dom were with her. She opened her eyes slowly and grasped where she was, she then saw her friends and fear and sadness filled her eyes.
‘Hey, you’re alright.’ Dom assured her as he leaned over her and squeezed her good hand. ‘You’re lucky you had the best surgeons around to fix you up.’ He smiled but Hannah couldn’t return it.
‘Lucky?’ She repeated and Dom’s smile fell as he remembered the confidence with which the wound had been made.
‘You scared us.’ Ollie said, also moving forward on her other side and tears filled her eyes.
‘I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want anyone to…’ She began but couldn’t finish her sentence. She broke out into sobs and Ollie gave Dom a nod who moved out of the room quickly to page Hanssen that Hannah had woken up. In the meantime, Ollie wiped away Hannah’s tears and did his best to comfort her.
‘It’s alright, nobody judges you…’ He whispered to her and broke protocol by sitting on the bed to hold her to his chest. He didn’t care about the rules, he just cared that his friend was alright. When Dom re-appeared, he wasn’t even fazed, he simply sat on the other side Hannah and brushed her hair with his hand, holding her hand with his other hand. Hanssen appeared five minutes later and the two men left them to it. There was an uncomfortable pause and Hanssen refused to look at his daughter, leaving it up to her to break the silence.
‘I’m sorry, dad.’ Hannah said between her sobs. Hanssen made no move to comfort her, he stood at the end of her bed and stil avoided looking at her.
‘Yes, well, you’ve certainly caused quite a stir here today.’ He replied and Hannah’s sobs intensified as she longed for a scrap of comfort from her father. ‘Now stop that.’ He ordered and she tried to comply but his cold tone only made her weep harder. Eventually he gave in and came to her side, she couldn’t help it, as soon as he was within reach she sat up and threw her arms around him even though it hurt. He awkwardly patted her head and gently disentangled himself from her, breaking the rules as her friends had done and perching on the edge of the bed. He held her up so she looked him in the eye and wiped away her tears with disjointed movements.
‘Why did you do it?’ He asked quietly and she began to subside a little in her sobbing.
‘I couldn’t cope with it anymore, Liam sent me this note and I couldn’t deal with the feelings.’ She explained, she knew it wasn’t a reasonable explanation and it seemed petty to her now but at the time she’d felt the insult so strongly.
‘Why didn’t you come to me? Let me help you?’ He asked and she raised an eyebrow with the hint of a smile.
‘You’re not exactly the easiest person to offload feelings onto.’ She replied and he smiled a little in return.
‘I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you that much. You’ve always seemed so happy, you’ve been my… ray of sunshine.’ He felt foolish admitting his private pet name for her but it seemed appropriate given the circumstances and it did bring a certain light back to her eyes which made him forget any regret he had in admitting it.
‘Sometimes it’s the people who smile the most who are hurting the most.’ She replied quietly and he was quiet for a moment as he took in her words.
‘I want you to be able to tell me things.’ He admitted and she shrugged.
‘I’m not sure we’ll ever be at that stage… I am sorry about this though, I really am.’ She said emphatically and he shook his head. There was a moment’s pause before he finally admitted the worst part of the whole experience.
‘I was so scared, when I saw you there. I thought you were going to die. Don’t you ever scare me like that again, do you hear?’ He said sternly and she nodded.
‘I won’t, I promise.’ She said and he believed her, she wasn’t the kind of person to break a promise.
‘I’ve been in contact with social services…’ He began and a new fear dawned on Hannah’s face. She hadn’t forgotten about Danny but the full weight of her actions pressed down on her now and panic shot through her as she realised she might lose her son.
‘Oh God, they’re taking him away aren’t they?’ She asked in a whisper, she thought she might be sick.
‘I’ve managed to convince them otherwise. However, you must go to a clinic for a minimum of three months. He can stay there with you, you’ll be given the proper support and help you need, for both of you.’ He explained and her face fell.
‘You’re sending me away?’ She asked quietly and he took a deep breath, standing up and regaining his detached personality again.
‘It was the only option. I will pick up Danny from care and bring him here and then you’ll go to the clinic this evening.’ He explained and then walked away before Hannah could say anything else, leaving her completely alone.
…..
She felt betrayed by her father after that but understood the necessity of such an arrangement. Once she was released from the clinic she genuinely felt in a more secure place and understood that she had support should she need it. She moved back into her father’s house and, aside from the prominent scar up her arm, the matter was forgotten, or at least ignored.
Over the following years, she continued her training and quickly regained her bright personality with a mixture of feigning it at first before it subsides into genuine improvement. She still understood that the depression was always underlying but she learned how to cope and how to smile through her bad days for the sake of her son. Hanssen didn’t tell her that Frederik joined the hospital or that he was even in the country, he was too worried about the memories that would resurface, but when she outlined her intention to return to Holby he knew he had no choice. When she decided to take a role that because available on Darwin with the departure of Zosia March, she was beginning to prepare for her Registrar exams which she intended to take in the following year and secretly Hanssen was grateful to get to spend more time with her and his grandson. He was determined to be closer to them now he had been given the opportunity and he was glad to see her return to being his ‘ray of sunshine’.