How Did We Get Here?

Chapter Three - Mentorship

Whilst she tried to bring together her family Hannah was also growing closer to her old friends, especially Ollie. They rarely saw each other outside of work but they worked closely together and he helped her to realise her full potential as a doctor, with the help of Jac of course. Small bets were a usual occurrence between them and helped alleviate some of the stresses of the job.
She had been back at Holby for a month when patient named Carmen Spatz was admitted with respiratory problems, the problem wasn’t initially obvious and was stumping both Ollie and Hannah but neither wanted to admit their defeat to Jac who would be quick to point out their flaws.
‘Did Carmen’s bloods come back yet?’ Ollie asked as Hannah read through them.
‘Yeah, they’re normal. Her heart rate is slightly elevated but otherwise I don’t think it’s heart related.’ She said and Ollie looked over her shoulder to check the results himself.
‘It’s got to be, her family has a history of heart problems, she doesn’t smoke and she has no history of asthma. There’s no sign of an infection?’ He asked and she shook her head slowly.
‘None. Look, it’s not heart related so it must be her lungs.’
‘What do you suggest?’ He asked and she thought for a moment before replying, leaning her head back to look up at him upside down, it was endearing.
‘Ultrasound to check for free fluid and then CT scan if that’s inconclusive.’ She said and he smiled down at her.
‘If you’re wrong and it is heart related?’ He asked and she paused for a moment before jumping up and raising an eyebrow as if she was being challenged.
‘Are you suggesting a bet?’ She asked and he feigned consideration.
‘Maybe.’ He grinned and she narrowed her eyes.
‘It’s her lungs, I win and you have to come to Albie’s tonight and buy all my drinks and match me, drink for drink.’ She challenged and he grinned.
‘Alright, I say it’s heart related and if I win then you have to do all my CABG’s this month.’ He said and she grinned and held out a hand. They shook on their deal and Hannah ordered the tests, she conducted them herself and they presented no results so she ordered the CT but that also came back inconclusive. She was stumped.
‘Any luck?’ Ollie asked as she checked the results and she shook her head.
‘Nope, nothing. I don’t get it, it’s not presenting as anything textbook. Heart or lung related. What do we do?’ She asked and he grinned smugly.
‘You prepare for a never-ending stream of CABG’s.’ He threatened and she raised an eyebrow.
‘You know that I don’t actually mind performing surgeries, right? Even if they are routine, they’re good practice.’ She replied drily but he ignored her. He opened his mouth to reply but they were interrupted by a nurse calling for help from Carmen’s bedside. She had arrested and Hannah and Ollie sprang into action, Hannah charged the paddles whilst Ollie prepared Carmen. Once they got her heart beating regularly again Ollie ordered them straight into theatre to find out the root of the problem once and for all.
Ollie took the lead in surgery and Hannah assisted and once they opened her up they knew that had to check the whole area.
‘I’m just saying that since she arrested then it’s got to be a heart problem.’ Ollie said and could see Hannah’s smile from behind her surgical mask.
‘Not necessarily,’ she replied, ‘maybe her heart was affected because of the lung problem.’ She said and spotted the problem.
‘There.’ She said and pointed. A vein leading from the heart to the lung was blocked which proved that both of their theories were correct.
‘What do we need to do?’ Ollie asked her with a hint of bitterness to his tone, technically it was a lung problem.
‘Uh, coronary angioplasty?’ She suggested and he nodded.
‘Correct.’ He said and rolled his eyes at her smug look in her eyes. The procedure didn’t take long and once they had completed it and were scrubbing out Hannah allowed the full measure of her gloat to be felt.
‘So, I was correct all along!’ She grinned and he shrugged.
‘Maybe, but we had to perform a heart surgery so technically that makes me right.’ He countered and she smiled in return, she knew he wasn’t really annoyed at her.
‘Why don’t we chalk it up to a win all around and I’ll do all your CABG’s this month and you can just match me drink for drink tonight but I’ll buy my own.’ She suggested and he looked at her for a moment before agreeing.
‘Fine, but why do I feel like you’ve still won?’ He glowered and she simply winked in response.
That evening Hannah started them out hard and it wasn’t long before the room was spinning for them both. It was a beautiful irony for Hannah that Ollie was more of a lightweight than she was and he was even more drunk than she was, but he sobered up quicker so it was necessary for them to keep drinking. Hannah knew in the back of her mind that her father was still at work, Sara had agreed to care for Danny for the night so she had no obligation to be home but she was unsure of whether it was good that her father saw her as drunk as she was so she was keen to avoid the area surrounding the hospital at all costs. That being said, it wasn’t long before she was too drunk to care.
At around midnight the pub began to close and Hannah and Ollie were relegated to the street, she was hanging onto his arm for support and laughing hysterically at something that wasn’t even that funny.
‘I forgot why you’re laughing, why are you laughing?’ Ollie laughed along with her and they stopped on the pavement, Hannah still clung to him or else she probably wouldn’t have been able to stand.
‘Because you claim to lack self-confidence!’ She shrieked and he looked confused.
‘Did I say that? I don’t remember saying that.’ He muttered and she laughed harder.
‘You said it less than two minutes ago.’ She replied and he laughed with her leaning forward and finding his forehead pressed against hers as tears of laughter spilled from their eyes.
‘You have no reason to lack any kind of confidence.’ She said seriously, trying her hardest to master her laughter. Henrik Hanssen emerged from the hospital behind them and neither of them saw nor noticed him, he saw them and stopped in the shadows unsure if he should make himself known or not and remove Hannah. Fredrik appeared behind him and they stood together to watch their female relative giggling in the street, nose to nose with her colleague.
‘You can’t control her life.’ Fredrik said softly and Henrik took a deep breath as he realised the truth in his son’s words.
‘You are so smart, like crazy smart.’ Hannah told Ollie quietly and their hands found one another’s and gripped. ‘And you’re sweet, kind, charming… and you… you have these amazing eyes, has anyone ever told you that? You have really, really beautiful eyes.’ She whispered and he grinned at her.
‘Yours sparkle.’ He said and she dissolved into giggles again.
‘You think I shouldn’t say anything?’ Henrik asked his son and Fredrik sighed.
‘It’s up to you, but she might resent you for it if you did.’ He said.
‘She’s a state.’ Hanssen noted as Hannah stumbled whilst standing still and Ollie grabbed her around the waist to catch her, he didn’t let her go.
‘She’s young still, and she missed out on a lot by having her son so young. Let her make mistakes, let her have some fun, let her have some regrets.’ Fredrik said and Hanssen shook his head.
‘She has regrets, you don’t understand.’
‘She told me about Danny’s father. How he abused her. This man is not like that man. Go home, let her wind up where she winds up.’ Fredrik advised and then walked off in the direction of his car. As he left Hanssen watched Hannah and Ollie kiss, slowly and unsurely at first but they gradually gained confidence with one another and the kiss deepened as they remembered the feel of each other’s lips. Henrik knew where the night was headed for his daughter, he knew about the fling that they had gone through seven years previously, and he decided that if he interfered it would only make things awkward for everybody. He turned away and headed towards his own car, trusting her to make her own decisions.


‘You left early this morning.’ Ollie said as he approached Hannah the following day, she was displaying signs of a severe hangover and he imagined she felt just as bad as he did but she was much better at hiding it.
‘I thought it was best if we weren’t seen coming in together.’ She replied with a bashful smile.
‘Yes, that probably was best, do you remember much of what happened last night?’ He asked and she looked at him, suddenly worried he didn’t. ‘I mean I just want to check you remember what we did.’
‘Well I woke up in your bed, Ollie, I don’t think there’s much to work out from there even if I had forgotten. But yes, I remember.’ She told him and she thought she saw him blush.
'Well, where do we go from here?' He asked and she sighed and pinched her nose between her thumb and forefinger, she was much too hungover to be having that conversation at that moment.
'I don't know,' she answered honestly. 'I mean we could just chalk it up to a drunken one night stand and leave it at that?' She suggested and Ollie looked down at his hands.
'Or I could take you out to dinner?' He asked and she was suddenly taken aback, that wasn't something she had expected.
'Really?' She asked after a lengthy pause, a slight smile playing on her lips which she tried to conceal but she couldn't hide it from him, it gave him a little hope.
'Of course, I can't promise anything, but dinner. Tonight?' He asked and she nodded.
'Alright, but it better be good because I am a state today.' She muttered playfully and headed in the direction of her first patient. Ollie looked after her with a grin before composing himself and getting on with his own work.
Hannah wasn't sure if she really harboured any feelings for Ollie, she knew that they were close and were likely to always be close. She'd met him so soon after the death of his sister so it was only natural that they were going to have relied on each other more than was healthy, but they had wound up becoming such close friends. She didn't want to jeopardise that friendship but she had a feeling that seeing each other casually wouldn't affect them that much. In the few weeks that followed things between them remained casual, they went out a couple of times for dinner and things seemed natural, just like they were two friends who had dinner and sometimes had sex. They made out at work a few times in the supply closet but their relationship was made up more of light hand touches and knowing smiles over a patient. Nobody suspected a thing, except Hanssen and Frederik, but they kept quiet about it, not wanting to embarrass themselves or Hannah.
Everything was going smoothly, Hannah was happier than she'd ever been. In her eyes, she was slowly bringing her family together, blind to the animosity her father and brother showed towards one another and occasionally her, she only focused on the good she was doing and she felt whole. As well as this, Roxanna MacMillan returned to the hospital, Hannah was delighted to reconnect with someone who had been such an important staple of her childhood, David was there sometimes too and seemed proud to see where she'd ended up, of course they both knew that really, she owed it all to him. News that John Gaskell would be coming to the hospital too brought her excitement, she liked the idea that her father would have more people around him to support him so it wouldn't all be down to her. She didn't know if this was selfish, but she genuinely had his best interests at heart. But, naturally, things began to turn sour quickly and something went wrong.
It was the taste of her tea which made her first suspect something. Like all normal, British people, she was an avid tea drinker and firmly believed that everything could be solved with a cup of tea; so she was shocked when the taste of her morning brew tasted terrible in her mouth. She checked the milk but it was fine, she tried another with a little more sugar but it tasted vulgar again and she had to abandon her usual morning comfort. She sat down at the kitchen table, confused, there had only been one time before when she'd noticed that she couldn't stand the taste of tea, but it couldn't be the same circumstances.
She brushed it off to having a bad day, she was sure there must have been something wrong with the tea rather than her and she continued to get ready for work. She dropped Danny at school on her way to work but when she walked onto the ward the smell of coffee was overpowering.
'Oh, my God.' She gasped, putting her hand to her nose. Jac looked up from the computer she was working at and gave her a confused look.
'What's wrong with you?' She asked and Hannah spotted the cup of coffee sitting next to her.
'You made your coffee stronger than usual?' She asked and Jac looked down at it and then back up at Hannah, her confusion growing to concern as she stood and walked around to the other side of the desk next to Hannah.
'No, it's the same as usual. Why?' She asked, peering into her face.
'I don't know, I must be developing spidey-senses or something.' Hannah said with a shrug and wrinkled her nose but the coffee smell was still overpowering.
'Maybe you're pregnant.' Jac said quietly but lightly, Hannah could tell she was joking but she was glad Ollie wasn't around all the same, she knew how he would react, poorly.
'Haha, fat chance.' she smiled, only half joking in return as she remembered her morning tea and how the only other time in her life she'd gone off tea was when she'd been pregnant with Danny.
'Just saying, heightened sense of smell is usually one of the first indicators.' Jac grinned wickedly with a wink before sidling off. Hannah smiled back at her but she was suddenly very concerned. She thought back, she was sure that she and Ollie had used protection every single time, even when they'd been drunk she remembered a condom. Well, she remembered seeing one. Panic suddenly set in and she had to stop herself from running off the ward. Nausea hit her stomach and she was unsure whether it was another sign or if it was because she was working herself into a panic.
'Morning, nice of you to finally show up.' Ollie said as he appeared at the desk behind her but he could have been talking to a brick wall. He noticed when she didn't respond and looked up at her, studying her face. 'Planning on doing any work today?' He asked jokingly but she began to hurry away.
'Just got to... I left... I'll be right back!' She called over her shoulder, leaving a bewildered Ollie. Jac appeared by his elbow and looked after the disappearing doctor.
'Does she seem alright to you?' Ollie asked her and Jac shrugged.
'She said something about spiders?' She suggested and Ollie looked at her in bewilderment for a second before shaking his head slowly and returning to work. Meanwhile, Hannah was rushing towards the gynaecology unit, she had a friend there was determined to use her full influence.
'Hey,' she burst into Dr. Crown's office without waiting to hear a response to her knock, luckily, she was free.
'Dr. Hanssen, it's customary to wait to be invited into an office before entering.' Alesha Crown smiled at her friend and Hannah tried to force a smile back.
'Listen, I'm really sorry to come in here all business but I kind of need a favour?' She asked and Alicia leaned forward, intrigued.
'For a patient?' She asked and Hannah bit her lip, she was dreading this.
'It's more personal. I’m concerned that I might be, uh...' She didn't want to say it, to say it would make it more real.
'Expecting?' Alicia finished for her and she winced but nodded quickly. 'You know there's a very quick test that can be done at home to determine this?'
'I know, I know. I won't be able to concentrate on anything until I know though, please, will you help me?' She asked and Alicia pretended to consider for a moment before smiling at her and rising from her chair.
'Of course.' She smiled reassuringly and retrieved a sample pot and funnel from her cupboard, handing them to Hannah. Hannah could barely stammer her thanks before she rushed from the room and to the nearest bathroom. As she sat and tried to force herself to urinate the quietness of the bathroom got to her and she thought she might cry. She held in her emotions and returned to Alesha with what she needed, she stood by the door whilst the doctor performed the test. In a matter of minutes, she would know, she just had to keep calm for those couple of minutes.
'Well?' She asked impatiently and Alesha beckoned her over. Those few steps felt like the longest walk of Hannah's life. Alesha didn't say anything, she knew she didn't have to, Hannah understood the results.
'Okay, thank you, I'm sorry I had to put you in this position.' She said and before Alesha could say anything else she had rushed from the room and just started walking. If she kept walking then she wouldn't think, she just kept walking and walking until she ended up in the stairwell, she stood on a landing by a window which overlooked the car park and there she finally stopped, leaning against the railing and counting the cars.
'One... Two.... Three...' She whispered to herself and then lost count and had to start again, but she knew she couldn't put it off, she had to think about it. 'Stupid Hannah, stupid stupid.' She whispered, hitting the palm of her hand against her forehead with each word. She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down, she could get through this, she'd gone through harder things.
'Get yourself together, you're strong, you can do this.' She whispered to herself and closed her eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath and drawing herself up to her full height. 'We're good here. We....'
She sighed and returned to the ward and did her best to hide her secret but she struggled to keep it from her mind. She couldn't tell Ollie, she couldn't ruin his life in this way. They weren't even dating, she didn't even have any strong feelings for him. She knew she was a rebound for Zosia, and he was just a way for her to blow off some steam, it was just some fun. She was caught distracted a couple of times but eventually managed to get a grip on herself and became better at hiding her thoughts.
At lunchtime she knew that she needed to tell someone and that someone couldn't be Ollie, nor could it be her father. She thought that now was a good time to open up to her brother. She sought out Frederik and found him in the AAU break room eating his lunch, she closed the door quietly behind her and he looked up in surprise.
'Hannah? Is everything alright?' He asked and Hannah slowly took a seat beside him.
'Hey, yeah, I mean I don't know. I needed someone to talk to and that person couldn't be dad.' She said with a slight laugh and Frederik tried not to feel offended at her comment.
'Is it about a patient?' He asked and she scrunched up her face.
'Not exactly...'
'Is it about your relationship with Mr. Valentine?' He asked and she looked at him in shock.
'How did you...?' She began before rolling her eyes and shrugging. 'Ah never mind, things never stay secret in this place.' She sighed and collected herself, she knew she needed to just be one hundred percent honest with him but this was really the first clear moment she'd had to think about it and she wasn't sure how she wanted to feel. She decided that she would just say it out loud and let that decide how she felt, she knew that once she admitted it out loud she would know how to feel.
'I'm... pregnant.' She said and felt a huge weight lift from her chest. She paused for a moment before letting out a small laugh and holding out her hands to him, he simply looked at her in shock, he hadn't been expecting that. 'I'm pregnant!' she repeated, in a happier and more confident tone. She laughed freely now because she knew how she felt, she already had one beautiful child, she was sure she could manage another.
'It's Mr. Valentine's baby?' Frederik asked, his tone was icy, he was angry with her but she was too distracted to notice.
'Yeah, I mean he doesn't know yet but Ollie's a good guy. We're not even really a couple but he'll do what it takes to make this right I know, we'll make it work. It'll just mean our family gets a little bit bigger!' She laughed and at the mention of the word "family" Frederik lost his composure.
'Family?' He hissed and she jumped as she realised his anger, she didn't know how to respond. 'This isn't a family! This is some stupid mistake you made because you couldn't keep your legs shut.' There was a pause as Frederik silently seethed and Hannah looked at him in complete shock, her mouth hanging open. 'You'll go running to daddy and he'll fix it all I suppose, welcome you and Valentine in with open arms, you and your perfect family. Well it's not the case, how could you be so foolish? So… stupid?'
Hannah's happiness and excitement had evaporated into a painful twinge in her chest as she listened to his hurtful words, unable to bring herself to respond.
'Frederik....' She stammered but he cut in again.
'You can barely take care of yourself!' He hissed, grabbing at her arm and shoving her scar in her face which brought tears to her eyes, she had trusted him and he was throwing that trust back in her face. 'How do you expect to take care of another infant?'
'Stop it.' She tried to sound firm but her voice croaked as her throat filled with tears.
'Spare me your tears, go and cry to daddy if you want someone's sympathy.' He finished coldly, dropping her arm and leaving the room, slamming the door behind him. Tears spilled down her cheeks and she couldn't move. She'd thought that she was getting somewhere with him, but now she realised that he would always hate her, there was nothing she could do.
.....
Hannah put off telling Ollie until things were more definite, after Frederik's outburst she was more scared of his reaction than she had been at first thought. She became more affectionate with Danny and her father though and whilst the latter noticed, he chose not to say anything. When it came to Ollie she avoided his requests at meeting after work and he began to feel that their fling had come to an end and Hannah was no longer interested.
Hannah herself did everything she could to try and draw as little attention to herself as possible and to remain the same person she had been. Frederik’s placement with the hospital ended and he left, Hannah wanted to try and talk to her father about it but knew that he wouldn’t want to so she decided to leave it for the time being.
Gaskell’s arrival was imminent and the hospital was abuzz, Ollie was sufficiently jealous of Hannah’s previous relationship to David Hopkins and she laughed at him when she realised that he hadn’t been aware that her childhood had been consistently speckled with his teaching. The day of John’s arrival was manic and Hannah was keen to see him, she hadn’t seen him since she was fifteen years old but she’d followed his work closely, it felt like she’d grown up knowing a celebrity.
On the day of his arrival Hannah was more nervous around Ollie than usual and was doing everything that she could to avoid him, she knew that she needed to tell him about the baby sooner rather than later but she was terrified. Once she found out that John was officially in the hospital she began to wander the hospital, hoping to bump into him and hoping he would recognise her, if he didn’t it would awkward. That being said, if she got wind that he was in a specific place she actively avoided it, she didn’t know why, she was just in a strange mood. Her pager beeped and she saw a message from Jac suggesting that she observe an operation taking place later that day, Ollie sent a text a few minutes later giving her more details and she was surprised to learn that it was with Roxanna and the patient was David. She meandered down to the basement, hoping to idly pass the time before the operation. She knew about the lab which had been renovated down there for John but she was sure it would be deserted at that time, she was surprised to hear movement coming from inside and she gingerly peered around the doorway to see a man in there.
John Gaskell only had a few more lines to his face than when she’d seen him last, eleven years previously. He looked good for his age, she observed him without him seeing her as he busied himself with some equipment. She smiled a little and he looked up to see her.
‘Oh hello…’ He said brightly, there was an element of recognition in his eyes but she could tell he couldn’t place her.
‘I don’t mean to interrupt.’ She replied, coming into the room and gesturing towards the equipment and he smiled, laughing slightly like he was embarrassed.
‘No, it’s fine. I’m terribly sorry, but do I know you?’ He said slowly and narrowed his eyes as he scrutinised her face.
‘I suppose eleven years, medical school and having a kid really makes a girl look so different?’ She smiled and the recognition finally clicked in his eyes and he rushed forward with a grin and open arms.
‘Hannah!’ He exclaimed, embracing her in a hug which made her feel safe and enclosed. They both laughed as he detached himself from her and held her at arm’s length. ‘Forgive me for not recognising you.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about it, like I say, it’s been a long time and a lot’s changed.’ She grinned, for the first time in weeks she felt at ease, somehow talking to John was easy.
‘Yes, a child?! That’s insane, you were just a child yourself when I last saw you! How old?’ John asked, letting her go but not moving any further away.
‘Danny’s six and he’s weirdly well-behaved for his age.’ She laughed and he crossed his arms and leaned against the counter.
‘But you’re not married?’ He asked and she was slightly taken aback but he gestured to her hand. ‘No ring.’
‘Ah, yeah, I mean no. Danny’s dad was a… real charmer, he bounced very quickly after finding out I was expecting, much to the delight of all parties.’ She smiled and pretended not to see as John’s eyes lingered on her lengthy scar up her arm.
‘How are things now?’ He asked softly and she shrugged.
‘They’re good, I mean they’re okay.’ She replied, she wasn’t sure why but she felt an overwhelming urge to impart her problems on John with the hope that he might offer her more sage advice than her brother had done.
‘Okay?’ He seemed to clock on that there was something wrong. She sighed and stepped forward to join him in leaning on the counter, staring at the floor as she thought about how best to ask his advice.
‘I mean, I have this… friend who’s going through a sticky spot and it’s been on my mind because I can’t think of what advice to give her.’ She said and John nodded slowly, she knew that he wasn’t buying it for a second but it was all she could do to explain her situation. ‘She had this short fling with a friend, a colleague, and now she’s pregnant. She doesn’t know what to do because she doesn’t necessarily have feelings for this colleague but she knows he has a right to know but she’s scared, she’s scared of rejection, I guess.’
Hannah spoke fast and John paused for a moment in competitive silence, looking at the floor, it was like she could hear his mind working.
‘She’s not told anybody else about her situation?’ He asked and she blushed a little.
‘She tried to tell her brother but, let’s just say, he wasn’t exactly happy with her. In fact, he got quite angry and upset her quite a bit.’
‘Hmm,’ he mused and she waited for the next question, ‘and termination is out of the question?’
‘It’s not ideal.’ Hannah replied, it hadn’t ever been something she’d really considered. She understood that it might be the wisest option in some cases but she wasn’t keen on undergoing the process herself, she was too scared the effect it would have on her in future years, she knew that she would probably regret it.
‘Then I think that the best thing she can do is to tell the father, the colleague, and go from there.’ He replied and she turned to face him.
‘But what if that goes south? What if that ruins their working relationship.’ She queried quickly and he looked at her with his everlastingly calm eyes.
‘I think that if he’s a mature adult he won’t let anything this serious impact either of your careers.’ He replied and then paused as he realised his slip, Hannah looked down but they both knew there was no point continuing with the charade. ‘Have you told your father?’ He asked quietly and she shook her head.
‘I’m too scared.’ She replied honestly and he brushed a stray lock of hair from her face behind her ear.
‘He will support you, as will Roxanna, David and I, now that we’re here. I hope that we can spend some time together, I’ve heard good things about you.’ He smiled at her, his hand lingering just below her ear, and she smiled back at him. The tender moment was broken as Hannah’s pager beeped again, Ollie was trying to find her.
‘Speak of the devil, I have to go.’ She said as she slipped her pager back into her pocket and he nodded, pushing himself from the counter and returning to his equipment. She moved towards the door but turned back before leaving.
‘It’s good to see you, Professor Gaskell.’ She smiled and he faked a shudder.
‘If you call me Professor Gaskell again it won’t be so good.’ He scolded and she grinned as she left. It certainly was good to see him again.